This past year, like any, was about lessons. Lessons in love, friendship, and most of all personal improvement. I only plan on making one resolution this new year, which is to improve from the last.
Friendship:
I made many new friends this year whom I would not trade for the world. They are the people I can count on if I need help, trust with my life, have deep conversations about nothing, and the people who love you unconditionally. I also had to learn the difference between friends and those who are not friendship material. It is hard lesson or maybe more of an addiction that I still need to improve upon, but it is a work in progress for the new year that I can look forward to.
Work:
Even though I do like my job I need to learn to separate or even take a vacation to re-energize. Every battery needs to recharge and so do I. I also want to do more writing beyond my scholastic efforts. I have found that writing is something more that I need as a release than ever during this end of the year time. For a month I have not written anything, not even for school. My head became too full like a glass overflowing. What happens? My pen hits the paper and the ink spills over multiple pages. This is what I call encouragement to eventually write a book.
Religion:
This is still a topic I struggle with, but it is something I want more myself. During the second part of this year I have learned more and found more friends who examples of the type of people I may need in my life not only as friends, but religious encouragement. These people, without pushing, urge me to find my own way and strengthen my own path. I am very thankful, patient, and excited to see where this road takes me.
Personal:
I am still improving many aspects of this area. What can I say, I'm not perfect yet. ;) Yes, that was sarcastic. I want more mentally, physically, and more freedom to enjoy the small things. Maybe I want to acknowledge the things I am missing around me and stop worrying about things that may hurt me. I learned this year how to jump into the deep end and trust myself more.
I will say that I may not have accomplished all of my 2012 resolutions even though the ultimate goal is for improvement. Goal accomplished, now on for the new year.
Please lift your glasses...Cheers to 2013!
P.S. Don't forget to start writing 2013 instead of 2012. LOL
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Recommended Reading
This week I read a book that really moved me, motivated me, and brought memories back. This book was written by a friend of mine named Mickel Millard. His book is titled "Murder and God's Redeeming Love."
I received my copies of the book in the mail on November 23 and was excited to read it as soon as possible. In fact my roommate also became interested in the book, so we decided to have a little fun and see who could finish the book first. She beat me because I had to take my time. Some of the book reminded me of similar experiences I had.
When I first started reading the book I was expecting more of a story. Yes, there was a story involved, but I would more recommend this book as a devotional or for a church study group. It describes a story of how a young man found God after a terrible experience of seeing his mother die by the hands of his father in a domestically violent situation. Each chapter starts out with a part of the story, then there is a reflection by the author, and then questions for discussion. What I like about these questions is that they apply to anyone's life as if to provide food for thought.
As I went through the book I did highlight some points that stood out to me. The first one being the verse the author left me inside the cover. It was Jeremiah 29:11-14. I did not realize it at first until my mom had pointed out to me that Jeremiah 29:11 is actually our family verse.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
My mom had picked this out years ago a little after she and dad got a divorce. She wanted us kids to know that even through bad situations we are strong and that there is more for us to accomplish in our lives than we realize.
The next part that stood out to me is that sometimes divorce is necessary. When I was younger I was taught that a promise is a promise and divorce was a major sin. It was this thinking that led me to promise myself that if I ever got married I would not get a divorce. Unfortunately, in order to save my life from my ex-husband, I had to break that promise. I felt bad for not keeping my word, but was told by someone I least expected that in this case it was the right thing for me to do. Reading this in Mickel's book helped assure me that I did do the right thing even if I have to read this line as a reminder.
I continued reading associating very closely to the feelings that were expressed in the writing. Mickel acknowledges that we desire to be loved, to be cared for, and accepted. I will admit that through my past I feel these desires quite often. I am sure that these are feelings that many are confused by these days. They are desires that are based on trust which is a hard task for society. I, like many others, have been in situations where you trust someone believing that a person loves you, cares for you, and accepts you. In this type of situation it may feel wise to just trust yourself, not knowing if you can ever trust another.
One discussion question I would like to share is at the end of Chapter two: "Have you ever given any thought about what it would be like to be all alone and totally isolated without having anyone to love or care for you?" This question can be discussed from a couple different angles. I can see this being discussed in a church group if someone is feeling lost and needs to accept Christ in their life. Maybe there is a hole that needs to be filled. For me, it reminds me of my ex who cut me off from any other human except him and his family. I know for most this is a situation that is hard to understand or even fathom. Let me make it simple. I would compare it to jail. With all the restrictions, the isolated feeling was a type of jail for me at the time.
Another question was in Chapter three: "Can you remember a time in your life when you were overcome by guilt?" I have this feeling every so often. I knew at one point my ex was not the one, but I kept my vow as long as I could anyway. The guilt I feel relates to the feeling of stupidity. I am not "stupid," but the years with my ex were not my brightest years.
Like Mickel, my memories drift back to arguments, the mental abuse, the emotional abuse, the psychological abuse, but most commonly the physical abuse. I will admit that I did not withstand as much physical pain as others may have, but that does not mean it did not leave an imprint.
Those are just a few things I wanted to share. I know I did not share much more about the book because I do not want to give too much away. In this piece I just want to express how nice it is to have someone else understand things that I have been through when others will look the other way because they do not want to be involved. I want to express how thankful I am that in the last few months there have been many different types of people who have ministered to me and extended a hand. (Reference poem "Footprints in the Sand") This book has been one example and a new hobby I hope to improve upon: roller derby. Sometimes it is through the unexpected that we find out way.
For those of you interested in a book that will lead you to think about or examine your life I would recommend Mickel Millard's book, "Murder and God's Redeeming Love." You can order this book yourself at http://www.ephraimsgrit.com. Through this site and their site on Facebook you can keep up with the ministry of Mickel and his wife Marcia about Ephraim's Grit Ministries. Enjoy!
I received my copies of the book in the mail on November 23 and was excited to read it as soon as possible. In fact my roommate also became interested in the book, so we decided to have a little fun and see who could finish the book first. She beat me because I had to take my time. Some of the book reminded me of similar experiences I had.
When I first started reading the book I was expecting more of a story. Yes, there was a story involved, but I would more recommend this book as a devotional or for a church study group. It describes a story of how a young man found God after a terrible experience of seeing his mother die by the hands of his father in a domestically violent situation. Each chapter starts out with a part of the story, then there is a reflection by the author, and then questions for discussion. What I like about these questions is that they apply to anyone's life as if to provide food for thought.
As I went through the book I did highlight some points that stood out to me. The first one being the verse the author left me inside the cover. It was Jeremiah 29:11-14. I did not realize it at first until my mom had pointed out to me that Jeremiah 29:11 is actually our family verse.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
My mom had picked this out years ago a little after she and dad got a divorce. She wanted us kids to know that even through bad situations we are strong and that there is more for us to accomplish in our lives than we realize.
The next part that stood out to me is that sometimes divorce is necessary. When I was younger I was taught that a promise is a promise and divorce was a major sin. It was this thinking that led me to promise myself that if I ever got married I would not get a divorce. Unfortunately, in order to save my life from my ex-husband, I had to break that promise. I felt bad for not keeping my word, but was told by someone I least expected that in this case it was the right thing for me to do. Reading this in Mickel's book helped assure me that I did do the right thing even if I have to read this line as a reminder.
I continued reading associating very closely to the feelings that were expressed in the writing. Mickel acknowledges that we desire to be loved, to be cared for, and accepted. I will admit that through my past I feel these desires quite often. I am sure that these are feelings that many are confused by these days. They are desires that are based on trust which is a hard task for society. I, like many others, have been in situations where you trust someone believing that a person loves you, cares for you, and accepts you. In this type of situation it may feel wise to just trust yourself, not knowing if you can ever trust another.
One discussion question I would like to share is at the end of Chapter two: "Have you ever given any thought about what it would be like to be all alone and totally isolated without having anyone to love or care for you?" This question can be discussed from a couple different angles. I can see this being discussed in a church group if someone is feeling lost and needs to accept Christ in their life. Maybe there is a hole that needs to be filled. For me, it reminds me of my ex who cut me off from any other human except him and his family. I know for most this is a situation that is hard to understand or even fathom. Let me make it simple. I would compare it to jail. With all the restrictions, the isolated feeling was a type of jail for me at the time.
Another question was in Chapter three: "Can you remember a time in your life when you were overcome by guilt?" I have this feeling every so often. I knew at one point my ex was not the one, but I kept my vow as long as I could anyway. The guilt I feel relates to the feeling of stupidity. I am not "stupid," but the years with my ex were not my brightest years.
Like Mickel, my memories drift back to arguments, the mental abuse, the emotional abuse, the psychological abuse, but most commonly the physical abuse. I will admit that I did not withstand as much physical pain as others may have, but that does not mean it did not leave an imprint.
Those are just a few things I wanted to share. I know I did not share much more about the book because I do not want to give too much away. In this piece I just want to express how nice it is to have someone else understand things that I have been through when others will look the other way because they do not want to be involved. I want to express how thankful I am that in the last few months there have been many different types of people who have ministered to me and extended a hand. (Reference poem "Footprints in the Sand") This book has been one example and a new hobby I hope to improve upon: roller derby. Sometimes it is through the unexpected that we find out way.
For those of you interested in a book that will lead you to think about or examine your life I would recommend Mickel Millard's book, "Murder and God's Redeeming Love." You can order this book yourself at http://www.ephraimsgrit.com. Through this site and their site on Facebook you can keep up with the ministry of Mickel and his wife Marcia about Ephraim's Grit Ministries. Enjoy!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Letting Go
Tonight as I was relaxing in the tub trying to warm up from the cold outdoors, my mind wandered off to the thought of musicals and other types of performances. I thought of Stomp and the music made with objects such as garbage can lids, I thought of Chicago and Rent how they became movies. Then I began to think about my own performances when I went to college to study Music Performance.
Thoughts of Phantom of the Opera crossed my mind along with multiple songs in different languages such as Italian. I remember one specifically that took me a long time to get right. My vocal teacher had to tell me over and over, "Let go. Just let go." Sometimes we would have to stop a lesson. I would be asked what was wrong or what was on my mind. Once everything was clear, I was able to open up my soul to express the genuine feeling of the piece I was singing.
As I laid in the water to listen to the empty sound, my head seemed to clear a bit for just that moment. Every worry or stress was gone. There was no fear or concern for school, for work, for new venues that I was currently attempting. There was complete and utter release. Want to know the ironic part? I fear the potential of drowning. I had to chuckle there for a moment because something that can bring me such peace also takes it away.
I think back to other things I have let go of in my life. These days I have trusted my gut and jumped into the deep end. If I survived, then I continued to swim. If I do not survive, then I jump out of the pool and try a different approach or a different deep end. This reminds me of a summer vacation to visit my cousins. We went swimming during that visit. I was challenged by my oldest cousin to jump or dive off the high dive. I remember climbing with the fear of the height. I walked to the edge determined to conquer my fear. With every ounce of courage my young years had I jumped with courage. I did not dive, but I jumped heading down, down, down into the water below. Piercing the water I recall a brief moment of tranquility.
The ability to let go is something that I have noticed takes time, not only in myself but others. It happens at different times and sometimes gets lost or replaced. Sometimes letting go, or jumping in the deep end, can lead to treading water for a period of time before the feeling of the water feels right. Sometimes you get tired of treading water and have to get out. This week I made a really hard choice......I stopped treading and got out of the pool.
P.S. Know when to stop treading :) Good night.
Thoughts of Phantom of the Opera crossed my mind along with multiple songs in different languages such as Italian. I remember one specifically that took me a long time to get right. My vocal teacher had to tell me over and over, "Let go. Just let go." Sometimes we would have to stop a lesson. I would be asked what was wrong or what was on my mind. Once everything was clear, I was able to open up my soul to express the genuine feeling of the piece I was singing.
As I laid in the water to listen to the empty sound, my head seemed to clear a bit for just that moment. Every worry or stress was gone. There was no fear or concern for school, for work, for new venues that I was currently attempting. There was complete and utter release. Want to know the ironic part? I fear the potential of drowning. I had to chuckle there for a moment because something that can bring me such peace also takes it away.
I think back to other things I have let go of in my life. These days I have trusted my gut and jumped into the deep end. If I survived, then I continued to swim. If I do not survive, then I jump out of the pool and try a different approach or a different deep end. This reminds me of a summer vacation to visit my cousins. We went swimming during that visit. I was challenged by my oldest cousin to jump or dive off the high dive. I remember climbing with the fear of the height. I walked to the edge determined to conquer my fear. With every ounce of courage my young years had I jumped with courage. I did not dive, but I jumped heading down, down, down into the water below. Piercing the water I recall a brief moment of tranquility.
The ability to let go is something that I have noticed takes time, not only in myself but others. It happens at different times and sometimes gets lost or replaced. Sometimes letting go, or jumping in the deep end, can lead to treading water for a period of time before the feeling of the water feels right. Sometimes you get tired of treading water and have to get out. This week I made a really hard choice......I stopped treading and got out of the pool.
P.S. Know when to stop treading :) Good night.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Realizing "Thanksgiving"
Today is Thanksgiving day. Most people I know out there are with family and while I am here and alone at the moment. Some of you may read that and think, "That is sad. You should be with your family and friends." All hope is not lost. I will be with my family this weekend. Call us a little untraditional where birthdays can last a couple days, Christmas lasts two weeks, and Thanksgiving does not get skipped.
Actually Thanksgiving pops up more than once a year. I am thankful that I still get to talk to my mom whenever I wish. I remember a scare a couple years ago when she was very ill. Since it is one of the first times I had ever seen my mom that weak scared me. I am thankful that she understands me no matter how twisted, confusing, and inside out I am to others. She is also the only one who understands ALL my other personalities. Okay, I'm kidding, but some days you have to wonder.
I am thankful for my sister. She left her life needing change and I need strength. I needed someone to catch me when I fell down and show me how to balance. I would say she is the most stable person I know, but we still have a soft understanding side that may get the best of us.
Then there is my brother. Just when you think he is not looking, he is right there in your face and always has your back. I am thankful for him as well. It was this summer that he told me his wedding "was just a formality" because he felt married to his wife long before.
Even though I cannot list everything I am thankful for I will point out a few more things that are worth mentioning. I am thankful for......
......two friends who show me what it is like to be "a couple." Friends come first.
......a friend who stays true to herself and does not change for anyone.
......my friends from my childhood because no matter how far apart we are things never change from the time we leave each other until the next time we see each other.
......for inner strength. After a year and 7 months I am still trying to figure things out that I knew before and begin to trust myself.
Even though it is Thanksgiving, the most forgotten holiday during this time of year, we should all think about these things everyday from the time we wake up to the time we go to sleep. I wake up each morning appreciating being alive. I guess when you almost loose things it becomes more apparent how important they are to you. I wish you all the happiest Thanksgiving today, tomorrow, and all year 'round. :)
Actually Thanksgiving pops up more than once a year. I am thankful that I still get to talk to my mom whenever I wish. I remember a scare a couple years ago when she was very ill. Since it is one of the first times I had ever seen my mom that weak scared me. I am thankful that she understands me no matter how twisted, confusing, and inside out I am to others. She is also the only one who understands ALL my other personalities. Okay, I'm kidding, but some days you have to wonder.
I am thankful for my sister. She left her life needing change and I need strength. I needed someone to catch me when I fell down and show me how to balance. I would say she is the most stable person I know, but we still have a soft understanding side that may get the best of us.
Then there is my brother. Just when you think he is not looking, he is right there in your face and always has your back. I am thankful for him as well. It was this summer that he told me his wedding "was just a formality" because he felt married to his wife long before.
Even though I cannot list everything I am thankful for I will point out a few more things that are worth mentioning. I am thankful for......
......two friends who show me what it is like to be "a couple." Friends come first.
......a friend who stays true to herself and does not change for anyone.
......my friends from my childhood because no matter how far apart we are things never change from the time we leave each other until the next time we see each other.
......for inner strength. After a year and 7 months I am still trying to figure things out that I knew before and begin to trust myself.
Even though it is Thanksgiving, the most forgotten holiday during this time of year, we should all think about these things everyday from the time we wake up to the time we go to sleep. I wake up each morning appreciating being alive. I guess when you almost loose things it becomes more apparent how important they are to you. I wish you all the happiest Thanksgiving today, tomorrow, and all year 'round. :)
Sunday, November 18, 2012
I think, Therefore I can
Today I spent an afternoon at a roller derby boot camp. I will be honest when I say that I am not light on my feet, I lack balance, but the main thing is I do not trust myself.
I know I have trust issues, but until this practice I never realized that I had trust issues with myself. We were working on stops and the one I was working on at the time was a tomahawk. In this stop you turn around and stop on your toes with one foot in front of the other. A lot of my fear had to do with balance, but my feet would end up close together which would actually make me unstable. To have the "teacher" tell me that I need to trust myself felt weird. I thought I knew all of what my body could or would do.
So training continues and another Vet tells me the same thing, "Trust yourself. Your body will stop. Your body knows what to do." Really? Are you kidding me because my kneed right now says otherwise? I had twisted my kneed a couple weeks earlier and am just waiting for it to go out again and tell me, "Sorry, you can't do thing, but it was fun teasing you about it."
My goal this week is to learn my balance and hopefully develop a trusting relationship with the rest of my body. "Hello Knee. I know you are down there and feeling a bit tender, but I need you to catch the rest of the team {my body} when I fall so I can keep going. I am counting on you because I know how strong you can be." Silly sounding, huh? Reminds me of the Little Engine That Could. I need to remind myself, "I think I can, I think I can."
Trust is not always for or based on other people, although some people do not deserve to be trusted. These types of people can make a relationship toxic, but trusting yourself should not be this way. Hopefully by next practice my body will decide to team up and work together because if it doesn't then we are going to have to take a time out for a pep talk. :P
I know I have trust issues, but until this practice I never realized that I had trust issues with myself. We were working on stops and the one I was working on at the time was a tomahawk. In this stop you turn around and stop on your toes with one foot in front of the other. A lot of my fear had to do with balance, but my feet would end up close together which would actually make me unstable. To have the "teacher" tell me that I need to trust myself felt weird. I thought I knew all of what my body could or would do.
So training continues and another Vet tells me the same thing, "Trust yourself. Your body will stop. Your body knows what to do." Really? Are you kidding me because my kneed right now says otherwise? I had twisted my kneed a couple weeks earlier and am just waiting for it to go out again and tell me, "Sorry, you can't do thing, but it was fun teasing you about it."
My goal this week is to learn my balance and hopefully develop a trusting relationship with the rest of my body. "Hello Knee. I know you are down there and feeling a bit tender, but I need you to catch the rest of the team {my body} when I fall so I can keep going. I am counting on you because I know how strong you can be." Silly sounding, huh? Reminds me of the Little Engine That Could. I need to remind myself, "I think I can, I think I can."
Trust is not always for or based on other people, although some people do not deserve to be trusted. These types of people can make a relationship toxic, but trusting yourself should not be this way. Hopefully by next practice my body will decide to team up and work together because if it doesn't then we are going to have to take a time out for a pep talk. :P
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Power of.....Goodbye?
I have read on many occasions that.....
........Some people come into your life as lessons.
.........If you love something/someone let them go and if they return it was meant to be.
I find it interesting how many words of encouragement surround scenarios like the two above.
"Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no...."
There are many different things in this world that inspire us. Sometimes it is as simple as words of wisdom, while other times it is intoxicating situations that take your breath away.
"You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long...."
When I was younger, growing up was hard, and I had a tough time accepting me. I was not going to be popular, I was not going to be the star, I am a bit weird, but I am also very average. In certain situations a person wants to stand out, while in others it would be best to fade in with the rest of the crowd. Call me the Chameleon since I have learned how to do both.
"Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress......"
There is strength in recognizing when you need to move on from things. Every person has times in his/her life where a person must move on no matter how much that person wants to stay put and hope the outcome changes. I would compare this to the baseball jargon everyone is familiar with: strike one, two, three, you're out.
"There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye..."
You step outside your box and try something new even if it comes to a brief end. (Strike one) If you are lucky enough it comes back and hopefully things have changed enough to remain intact. Other cases may just be an addiction, a false hope, or a false need. (Strike two) So you do not go back. You pull yourself away knowing that certain events that took place only show you that maybe you are just a pawn. So far I only struck out twice, but part of me still cares,.....somehow?
"Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye..."
The lyrics you have read are from Madonna's song, "The Power of Good-bye." I had to say good bye to something this week and even though it is hard I knew I had to do it. When you feel your true self drifting away or you feel misunderstood it is probably time to step back. I am hoping this is one of those time where you "....let it go, if it is meant to be it will come back to you" moments, but I have a feeling it was meant to go back for someone else. So I pick up my stumbling self, wipe off my knees, and decide to use a little help.....a walking stick or in this case people around me who care. After some time passes, what is missed will be recognized and by that time I will be reestablished into some new venture.
Madonna is right. You need to learn to say good bye.
........Some people come into your life as lessons.
.........If you love something/someone let them go and if they return it was meant to be.
I find it interesting how many words of encouragement surround scenarios like the two above.
"Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no...."
There are many different things in this world that inspire us. Sometimes it is as simple as words of wisdom, while other times it is intoxicating situations that take your breath away.
"You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long...."
When I was younger, growing up was hard, and I had a tough time accepting me. I was not going to be popular, I was not going to be the star, I am a bit weird, but I am also very average. In certain situations a person wants to stand out, while in others it would be best to fade in with the rest of the crowd. Call me the Chameleon since I have learned how to do both.
"Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress......"
There is strength in recognizing when you need to move on from things. Every person has times in his/her life where a person must move on no matter how much that person wants to stay put and hope the outcome changes. I would compare this to the baseball jargon everyone is familiar with: strike one, two, three, you're out.
"There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye..."
You step outside your box and try something new even if it comes to a brief end. (Strike one) If you are lucky enough it comes back and hopefully things have changed enough to remain intact. Other cases may just be an addiction, a false hope, or a false need. (Strike two) So you do not go back. You pull yourself away knowing that certain events that took place only show you that maybe you are just a pawn. So far I only struck out twice, but part of me still cares,.....somehow?
"Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye..."
The lyrics you have read are from Madonna's song, "The Power of Good-bye." I had to say good bye to something this week and even though it is hard I knew I had to do it. When you feel your true self drifting away or you feel misunderstood it is probably time to step back. I am hoping this is one of those time where you "....let it go, if it is meant to be it will come back to you" moments, but I have a feeling it was meant to go back for someone else. So I pick up my stumbling self, wipe off my knees, and decide to use a little help.....a walking stick or in this case people around me who care. After some time passes, what is missed will be recognized and by that time I will be reestablished into some new venture.
Madonna is right. You need to learn to say good bye.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
The Scary side of Independence
Independence.....
It is the strong feeling of being able to hold your own or being able to do things on your own.
Independence......
It is intimidating to those who are insecure.
I am a very independent person. I take care of myself, I make sure I have everything I need, and I make sure that I cover my own bum so no one else has to cover it. Recently I bought a car. Actually I bought an SUV. I did the homework on the vehicle to find exactly what I wanted. I contacted two different dealerships to assist in finding the vehicle I wanted. Once my vehicle was found I made sure I received a decent price for the package I was getting. Yes, I haggled my way through it and I am VERY proud of myself for that because I stood up for what I wanted. In the end I got my vehicle that I wanted, plus some, and made an incredible impression on the salesman, who yes I will admit was a sweetheart.
One thing accomplished. My next goal this month was to join the roller derby team. My first practice ended with a minorly twisted knee, but I know my strength in pain. Now, as long as the kneed is braced I am fully ready to rumble. This idea scared me a bit. People know I am a bit "weird," "crazy," and if not "insane." This is a step above that where I could actually physically get hurt. Translation: Be bold, be daring, and do not be scared to jump in the deep end of the pool every once in awhile.
My third accomplishment was to start my own Mary Kay business. I have liked Mary Kay prior, but always thought it was a traditional pyramid career. Well, if you listen to the logic it is, but there is more to it than that. There is opportunity and the concept of working as a team to accomplish goals. I may not be extremely rich in the next year or two off this, but I know I will enjoy bringing smiles on beautiful colorful faces.
I am proud of my independence. I have worked hard to have it, to loose it, and to regain it. Part of this is staying true to yourself. This means that if something needs to be said, you say it and follow through. For me, the hard part is the follow through. I have this tendency of going back to the bad. Let me give you a picture, a bit gross, but dramatic for understanding purposes. My personality would find a sick animal and try to nurse it to life only to be told over and over that the animal is actually dead. So I realize this in my mind, but still hope it will come alive so I go back to the animal with the same disappointment as before. Like I said gross, but you understand. Being able to walk away knowing the truth is independent.
My list above is intimidating to quite a list of people. I do not understand why, but it is. I learned to walk on my own two feet and be proud of it when others do not understand and want to knock me off my knees. Does my independence scare? Yes. Is it meant to? Not really. I'm just surviving like the next guy and hopefully someday there can be someone by my side who can compete and challenge that independence more than I can myself.
It is the strong feeling of being able to hold your own or being able to do things on your own.
Independence......
It is intimidating to those who are insecure.
I am a very independent person. I take care of myself, I make sure I have everything I need, and I make sure that I cover my own bum so no one else has to cover it. Recently I bought a car. Actually I bought an SUV. I did the homework on the vehicle to find exactly what I wanted. I contacted two different dealerships to assist in finding the vehicle I wanted. Once my vehicle was found I made sure I received a decent price for the package I was getting. Yes, I haggled my way through it and I am VERY proud of myself for that because I stood up for what I wanted. In the end I got my vehicle that I wanted, plus some, and made an incredible impression on the salesman, who yes I will admit was a sweetheart.
One thing accomplished. My next goal this month was to join the roller derby team. My first practice ended with a minorly twisted knee, but I know my strength in pain. Now, as long as the kneed is braced I am fully ready to rumble. This idea scared me a bit. People know I am a bit "weird," "crazy," and if not "insane." This is a step above that where I could actually physically get hurt. Translation: Be bold, be daring, and do not be scared to jump in the deep end of the pool every once in awhile.
My third accomplishment was to start my own Mary Kay business. I have liked Mary Kay prior, but always thought it was a traditional pyramid career. Well, if you listen to the logic it is, but there is more to it than that. There is opportunity and the concept of working as a team to accomplish goals. I may not be extremely rich in the next year or two off this, but I know I will enjoy bringing smiles on beautiful colorful faces.
I am proud of my independence. I have worked hard to have it, to loose it, and to regain it. Part of this is staying true to yourself. This means that if something needs to be said, you say it and follow through. For me, the hard part is the follow through. I have this tendency of going back to the bad. Let me give you a picture, a bit gross, but dramatic for understanding purposes. My personality would find a sick animal and try to nurse it to life only to be told over and over that the animal is actually dead. So I realize this in my mind, but still hope it will come alive so I go back to the animal with the same disappointment as before. Like I said gross, but you understand. Being able to walk away knowing the truth is independent.
My list above is intimidating to quite a list of people. I do not understand why, but it is. I learned to walk on my own two feet and be proud of it when others do not understand and want to knock me off my knees. Does my independence scare? Yes. Is it meant to? Not really. I'm just surviving like the next guy and hopefully someday there can be someone by my side who can compete and challenge that independence more than I can myself.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Keep Changing
"The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want. Taking the first step forward is always the hardest, but then each step forward gets easier and easier. And each each step gets you closer and closer until eventually what had once been invisible starts to be visible. And what had once felt impossible starts to feel possible."
I read this today as I contemplated shutting down my blog. I will admit I may not always be the most positive person, but my experiences are not just mine. Sometimes a person needs to talk or needs someone to understand that, "Hey, I am not alone. She felt the same way I do." So to anyone who does not truly know me outside of my words I apologize if your image of me is a pessimistic one. I am actually a hard worker who sometimes would rather have her mind have more control than her heart. Yes, I will ONLY admit here that I sometimes care too much and that "Passion" is my middle name.
So I read this and from time to time it is something I think about. Am I being the person I want to be? Am I portraying the strength and independence that I want others to have? I think lately I let a few people down. To those, I'm sorry. However, a bucket list is a start.
1. I want to travel: Paris, Italy, Ireland,.....ok, those are my top ones. Actually I want to go to Ireland to catch a leprechaun. I think it would be fun.
2. I want to write a book. I am working on a dummy book right now, but the inspiration died along with my Spanish homework. lol Anyone want to do my Spanish for me??? Just kidding.
3. I want to have kids. I know right now this seems impossible, but even if it is just me does not mean that the word "single" should stop me from my dreams.
So that is a start. I have more, but those things are a bit smaller like losing weight and trying not to be a hypocrite. There is always something more to be done for a person to improve. It is one of those, "Never stop learning" moments. :)
........again, are you sure you do not want to do my Spanish homework. lol
I read this today as I contemplated shutting down my blog. I will admit I may not always be the most positive person, but my experiences are not just mine. Sometimes a person needs to talk or needs someone to understand that, "Hey, I am not alone. She felt the same way I do." So to anyone who does not truly know me outside of my words I apologize if your image of me is a pessimistic one. I am actually a hard worker who sometimes would rather have her mind have more control than her heart. Yes, I will ONLY admit here that I sometimes care too much and that "Passion" is my middle name.
So I read this and from time to time it is something I think about. Am I being the person I want to be? Am I portraying the strength and independence that I want others to have? I think lately I let a few people down. To those, I'm sorry. However, a bucket list is a start.
1. I want to travel: Paris, Italy, Ireland,.....ok, those are my top ones. Actually I want to go to Ireland to catch a leprechaun. I think it would be fun.
2. I want to write a book. I am working on a dummy book right now, but the inspiration died along with my Spanish homework. lol Anyone want to do my Spanish for me??? Just kidding.
3. I want to have kids. I know right now this seems impossible, but even if it is just me does not mean that the word "single" should stop me from my dreams.
So that is a start. I have more, but those things are a bit smaller like losing weight and trying not to be a hypocrite. There is always something more to be done for a person to improve. It is one of those, "Never stop learning" moments. :)
........again, are you sure you do not want to do my Spanish homework. lol
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Random Admiration
I came across a situation this week that shook me up, but in a good way. I am active in preventing domestic violence and this week the local shelter was going to have a vigil to remember the victims. Unfortunately the event was cancelled. It actually broke my heart.
To be honest April and October are very hard months for me. I wish I did not have to admit it, but I still have nightmares of getting kicked and all the pain that came with it. I know some will think that after a year you should be over this stuff. All I have to say is that you will never understand until you have been there.
So the vigil gets cancelled twice and part of me thinks this is good because I would have cried. Things have been hard this year with certain expectations not met. I did not ask anyone to go with me because the year before I walked alone. I walked proud because I was able to. I found out later a friend was going to join me this year. I don't know if I could have handled the tears in front of this friend, but sometimes in life you need to be completely honest. It was this small gesture that made me realize how close we are and how much of a best friend this person is to me. I guess what makes me admire this person so much is because there is the honesty and this person knows who he is on the inside. I do not have to question whether something is being hidden from me or if this person is lying to me. There is actually a lot of comfort and security in just being yourself.
This also made me think of another situation. Long time ago in college I used to work for the campus dispatch. One of the guys, I realized too late, had a crush on me. I remember not being able to go home for the holidays so he brought the holidays to me. He stayed with me at the campus and even gave me a gift. I remember feeling a bit awkward, but realizing how much he had liked me. Again, there was nothing hidden, things were just the way they were suppose to be.
I sit here now thinking how lucky I am, but how tough I need to be. Someday maybe someone will appreciate how I am and admire that as much as I admire my friend.
To be honest April and October are very hard months for me. I wish I did not have to admit it, but I still have nightmares of getting kicked and all the pain that came with it. I know some will think that after a year you should be over this stuff. All I have to say is that you will never understand until you have been there.
So the vigil gets cancelled twice and part of me thinks this is good because I would have cried. Things have been hard this year with certain expectations not met. I did not ask anyone to go with me because the year before I walked alone. I walked proud because I was able to. I found out later a friend was going to join me this year. I don't know if I could have handled the tears in front of this friend, but sometimes in life you need to be completely honest. It was this small gesture that made me realize how close we are and how much of a best friend this person is to me. I guess what makes me admire this person so much is because there is the honesty and this person knows who he is on the inside. I do not have to question whether something is being hidden from me or if this person is lying to me. There is actually a lot of comfort and security in just being yourself.
This also made me think of another situation. Long time ago in college I used to work for the campus dispatch. One of the guys, I realized too late, had a crush on me. I remember not being able to go home for the holidays so he brought the holidays to me. He stayed with me at the campus and even gave me a gift. I remember feeling a bit awkward, but realizing how much he had liked me. Again, there was nothing hidden, things were just the way they were suppose to be.
I sit here now thinking how lucky I am, but how tough I need to be. Someday maybe someone will appreciate how I am and admire that as much as I admire my friend.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Wig Tales
Halloween is just around the corner. Translation: LET'S DRESS UP BECAUSE IT IS FUN!! Everyone likes to try or be something different some days. Today was mine.
I had been thinking about coloring my hair black for some time and for my Halloween costume I picked up a cute black wig. I put on the wig and my glasses giving me a big of a Velmish look.
The change in look was not necessarily to get other's reactions, but as an expression for me. We all have different sides of ourselves that we hide or that does not get to be seen much. This could be due to other priorities in life or an occasion has not called for it. I do have a dark side, an artistic, if not creative side that likes to try new things every now and then. The reactions I get from change is actually just a bonus for me.
I walked into work and a lot of people has a hard time recognizing who I was. I will say sometimes it is nice to not be recognized or blend in. Some people were open to the idea, while others were very judgmental. The nice thing is that no matter what anyone said I was still me inside. It seems that sometimes when people see things change, they assume the whole package has changed. In this case, I am still me.....with a little more color exposed.
...........might want to put the color back on, I'm feeling a bit naked right now. :P j/k
Monday, October 8, 2012
A Mirror Image
Today I left work early and went to the gym. Part of it may have been the fact that I took a 5 hour energy shot, but the other may have been that I try so hard at things and somehow I keep failing.
I hurt at least a couple people today without even trying. This is actually nothing new, but that does not make it any easier. I tried to catch up at work only to be boggled down because another department was incompetent, thus leaving lots of left-overs for me tomorrow. I am excited that tomorrow I get to start my Spanish class, but I'll delve into that in more detail in a bit.
Recently I have tried to reduce stress and drama in my life. I ignored a couple people only to have them come back into my life. I do not understand either. The issue with both of these people is that there was a choice that had to be made; me or the other thing. They both chose the "other thing" only to find out "um...nope that wasn't what I wanted." Really? I warned you both, I told you both, and I am not going to be your backup because you f***ed up. Maybe I am to intelligent to understand stupidity.
I seem to attracted stupidity. Call it the luck of the draw. If you notice the saying does not say if it is bad luck or good luck. I have come across some gentlemen, if you want to call them that, who tell me that they would like to date me, but never ask. I cannot for the life of me figure out where you lost your Mc Nuggets on that one? Dear people of the world, actions speak louder than words! lol I had one tell me "Me gusta tu ojos." For those of you who do not know what that means it is, "I like your eyes." It is sweet, but like calling a person beautiful, did you mean it or were you trying to impress someone?
So back to the gym. I went there tonight for an hour and a half, which is the longest I have been there yet. I needed to clear my head, which was not completely accomplished as you can see. I looked in the mirror as I was lifting weights and somehow noticed that I do have pretty eyes. I had not seen them sparkle in awhile, but the moment I looked everything that I had been holding in trying to ignore came rushing out in tears. Now I hate to cry in public, let alone cry period, but I was sweating so much it was completely unnoticeable.
I sat looking in the mirror wondering if my sparkle was going to fade because I have been trying to hold so much inside of me. I do not want to care anymore, I do not want to be confused, nor have any feeling of pain. I just want to live carefree and wild.
So after a punched a few out and wiped my tears, I picked up my mess that I had just emptied from my mind and shoved it all back in. I mean, where else is it going to go?
Sometimes our thoughts govern us more than we would like to admit or even allow. I was once told I have very masculine qualities therefore I must be a lesbian. 1) Do not ever compare me to a man again. I have a damn vagina for pete's sake and I know how to use it. 2) Maybe I am as much man as you are woman for being a man 3) I think you are threatened by my independence to which I ask, since when is being independent only a masculine quality? Did you know every month Cosmo promotes a "Fun, Fearless, Female"? This would be one of those thoughts that has governed me for some time now and it governs the relationship with the person who said it.
Another thought is how I desire to write a book, but I am such an average person that I cannot figure out why anyone would read if I even got a book done in the first place. So guess what happens? I started a book and with doubts I became blocked. I have 2300 words and am not quite sure where I want the story to go. Do I want to give up? A little. Will I? Hopefully not. Am I intimidated because my friend has more written? YES! Am I intimidated because I am writing something that would be marked completely in red pen by two of my friends? YES! Oh boy do I have issues then. Well, I have not quit, but hopefully something will put a spark on my rear leaving me to be a writing machine.
As for a Monday night, the day is over. Tomorrow is another day to bring about new beginnings.
buenos noches
I hurt at least a couple people today without even trying. This is actually nothing new, but that does not make it any easier. I tried to catch up at work only to be boggled down because another department was incompetent, thus leaving lots of left-overs for me tomorrow. I am excited that tomorrow I get to start my Spanish class, but I'll delve into that in more detail in a bit.
Recently I have tried to reduce stress and drama in my life. I ignored a couple people only to have them come back into my life. I do not understand either. The issue with both of these people is that there was a choice that had to be made; me or the other thing. They both chose the "other thing" only to find out "um...nope that wasn't what I wanted." Really? I warned you both, I told you both, and I am not going to be your backup because you f***ed up. Maybe I am to intelligent to understand stupidity.
I seem to attracted stupidity. Call it the luck of the draw. If you notice the saying does not say if it is bad luck or good luck. I have come across some gentlemen, if you want to call them that, who tell me that they would like to date me, but never ask. I cannot for the life of me figure out where you lost your Mc Nuggets on that one? Dear people of the world, actions speak louder than words! lol I had one tell me "Me gusta tu ojos." For those of you who do not know what that means it is, "I like your eyes." It is sweet, but like calling a person beautiful, did you mean it or were you trying to impress someone?
So back to the gym. I went there tonight for an hour and a half, which is the longest I have been there yet. I needed to clear my head, which was not completely accomplished as you can see. I looked in the mirror as I was lifting weights and somehow noticed that I do have pretty eyes. I had not seen them sparkle in awhile, but the moment I looked everything that I had been holding in trying to ignore came rushing out in tears. Now I hate to cry in public, let alone cry period, but I was sweating so much it was completely unnoticeable.
I sat looking in the mirror wondering if my sparkle was going to fade because I have been trying to hold so much inside of me. I do not want to care anymore, I do not want to be confused, nor have any feeling of pain. I just want to live carefree and wild.
So after a punched a few out and wiped my tears, I picked up my mess that I had just emptied from my mind and shoved it all back in. I mean, where else is it going to go?
Sometimes our thoughts govern us more than we would like to admit or even allow. I was once told I have very masculine qualities therefore I must be a lesbian. 1) Do not ever compare me to a man again. I have a damn vagina for pete's sake and I know how to use it. 2) Maybe I am as much man as you are woman for being a man 3) I think you are threatened by my independence to which I ask, since when is being independent only a masculine quality? Did you know every month Cosmo promotes a "Fun, Fearless, Female"? This would be one of those thoughts that has governed me for some time now and it governs the relationship with the person who said it.
Another thought is how I desire to write a book, but I am such an average person that I cannot figure out why anyone would read if I even got a book done in the first place. So guess what happens? I started a book and with doubts I became blocked. I have 2300 words and am not quite sure where I want the story to go. Do I want to give up? A little. Will I? Hopefully not. Am I intimidated because my friend has more written? YES! Am I intimidated because I am writing something that would be marked completely in red pen by two of my friends? YES! Oh boy do I have issues then. Well, I have not quit, but hopefully something will put a spark on my rear leaving me to be a writing machine.
As for a Monday night, the day is over. Tomorrow is another day to bring about new beginnings.
buenos noches
Friday, October 5, 2012
Pulling away.....
There have been times in my life where I have been accused of "pulling away" from people as if it is a bad thing. The ironic part of the term is that yes, I do pull away from people at times, but it is because "our time" is over. Sometimes a term is a few years or other times it is five months. The reason for a person to "pull away" is because of growth.
Maybe "pulling away" is an improper term then. Spending time with someone and connecting with that person can, in many cases, only satisfy so much. When you stop learning from a particular person, you are meant to go on to the next. Unfortunately this can leave gaps with the other person until that person understands where his/her compass leads.
You are probably wonder about mine at the moment. Let's just say that after five months I had to redirect my compass back to the tripod, the original three, the other two legs that where there with me from the beginning and have yet to leave my side. If one leaves, we fall, but together we are strong. I am a leg that tries to branch out a bit, to make the picture clearer, but not everything is meant to be clear (even the metaphor I just gave you).
Where does that leave me? A little hurt, but with the realization I give people too much credit. I want to believe in the exception, I want to believe there is more to everyone and they are good, but I cannot have everything I want. So even though certain events make me a bit mad, frustrated, but more so hurt, I move on since I have no other choice in the matter. Some people are meant to stay in your life to teach you a lesson.....others are meant to shove you along. :)
P.S. Do not be surprised if I "pull away." hehehe.....................
Maybe "pulling away" is an improper term then. Spending time with someone and connecting with that person can, in many cases, only satisfy so much. When you stop learning from a particular person, you are meant to go on to the next. Unfortunately this can leave gaps with the other person until that person understands where his/her compass leads.
You are probably wonder about mine at the moment. Let's just say that after five months I had to redirect my compass back to the tripod, the original three, the other two legs that where there with me from the beginning and have yet to leave my side. If one leaves, we fall, but together we are strong. I am a leg that tries to branch out a bit, to make the picture clearer, but not everything is meant to be clear (even the metaphor I just gave you).
Where does that leave me? A little hurt, but with the realization I give people too much credit. I want to believe in the exception, I want to believe there is more to everyone and they are good, but I cannot have everything I want. So even though certain events make me a bit mad, frustrated, but more so hurt, I move on since I have no other choice in the matter. Some people are meant to stay in your life to teach you a lesson.....others are meant to shove you along. :)
P.S. Do not be surprised if I "pull away." hehehe.....................
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Just keep moving......
Some days, more so lately, I have to remind myself to just keep moving. There really isn't anything that completely sparks my interest or gets me completely passionate. I thought maybe I could find a person who could make me feel passionate. I had a couple of people who inspired me and somehow they left. I guess that happens once in awhile where a person serves a purpose and time tells you that there is something more exciting coming your way. I guess at this point I need to be patient.
I tried online dating to meet people. I also did it out of curiosity only to find out so far a confirmation that sometimes some people DO only want one thing. I am actually okay with this because I am a strong believer in trying everything if you have the opportunity. I am trying my hand at writing a book while I take a couple weeks off from school. My mind has been full of scholarly information that my imagination kept running into a brick wall. So now I can read and do some writing. My goal is to have the book out by my birthday, which establishes a bit of time, plus the help from a friend.
Maybe we just need a little time to step back and hope we do not fall in the ditch again no matter how wild the ride. Maybe we just need to separate from people to get back on our feet. Maybe I should stop saying "maybe" because I sound like a dork in my head. Ok, I laughed and I hope you do too. To everyone, Sweet Dreams.
I tried online dating to meet people. I also did it out of curiosity only to find out so far a confirmation that sometimes some people DO only want one thing. I am actually okay with this because I am a strong believer in trying everything if you have the opportunity. I am trying my hand at writing a book while I take a couple weeks off from school. My mind has been full of scholarly information that my imagination kept running into a brick wall. So now I can read and do some writing. My goal is to have the book out by my birthday, which establishes a bit of time, plus the help from a friend.
Maybe we just need a little time to step back and hope we do not fall in the ditch again no matter how wild the ride. Maybe we just need to separate from people to get back on our feet. Maybe I should stop saying "maybe" because I sound like a dork in my head. Ok, I laughed and I hope you do too. To everyone, Sweet Dreams.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Self-preserving apathy
Apathy:
-Adsence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
-Lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
-Freedom from emotion of any kind.
Self-preservation:
-preservation of oneself from harm or destruction
Recently a friend gave me these two words. I had not really heard too much about them or at least the first one. I recently stopped caring about a lot of things and people. I want to know why a person should waste time on something or someone that would not waste the same amount of time on said person? I can see investing into something that has potential, but if you know something is not going to last then why bother?
This sounds cold, I am fully aware of it, but I guess I am a bit more cautious where I invest time, effort, or even money these days. For instance, if you disappear from a person's life and that person does not notice why would you sit and pray that person notices you are missing or why would you bother that person trying to gain the person's attention? If the person does not want to give you attention do you not think you are worth more than that person's ignorance?
So what if a person, who has ignored you for sometime, comes back to your life deciding you are worth that person's time, why would give the person a chance to let you down again? How do you tell someone, "I'm sorry, I do not care about you, I do not want to know you, and if you disappear it will not make any difference in my life at all"? That is the coldest thing I have ever heard in my life. Actually it is the coldest thing I have thought of and typed.
Sometimes you have to grow up and prioritize what is important in your life. Is it important for me to wallow and wait for this person to miss me or is it important for this person to compete and try to hurt me? On both occasions I would like to say "no." Life should be an enjoyable experience. I know there are tough times, but you can also learn from mistakes enough to not walk the same road twice, right?
In the midst of making a mindful worthwhile choice I delete any emotion and move on. Life is too good to waste on a rotten egg anyway.
-Adsence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
-Lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
-Freedom from emotion of any kind.
Self-preservation:
-preservation of oneself from harm or destruction
Recently a friend gave me these two words. I had not really heard too much about them or at least the first one. I recently stopped caring about a lot of things and people. I want to know why a person should waste time on something or someone that would not waste the same amount of time on said person? I can see investing into something that has potential, but if you know something is not going to last then why bother?
This sounds cold, I am fully aware of it, but I guess I am a bit more cautious where I invest time, effort, or even money these days. For instance, if you disappear from a person's life and that person does not notice why would you sit and pray that person notices you are missing or why would you bother that person trying to gain the person's attention? If the person does not want to give you attention do you not think you are worth more than that person's ignorance?
So what if a person, who has ignored you for sometime, comes back to your life deciding you are worth that person's time, why would give the person a chance to let you down again? How do you tell someone, "I'm sorry, I do not care about you, I do not want to know you, and if you disappear it will not make any difference in my life at all"? That is the coldest thing I have ever heard in my life. Actually it is the coldest thing I have thought of and typed.
Sometimes you have to grow up and prioritize what is important in your life. Is it important for me to wallow and wait for this person to miss me or is it important for this person to compete and try to hurt me? On both occasions I would like to say "no." Life should be an enjoyable experience. I know there are tough times, but you can also learn from mistakes enough to not walk the same road twice, right?
In the midst of making a mindful worthwhile choice I delete any emotion and move on. Life is too good to waste on a rotten egg anyway.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
What you are missing.
I went on a small trip this weekend and during my time away I figured out where I am truly missed. This past summer, specifically more this past week, I have had to let go of people close to me. This does not mean I had to remove them. It just means that after years of living our own lives I got to be with these people and it was physically hard to let them go. These are the people who make me a strong person. They are talented hard working individuals.
The thing that makes these people special is the fact that we have spent years apart and nothing has changed where as some people I see or talk to nearly everyday would never notice if I disappeared. It is times like these you truly see the people who are your friend.
In July I came home crying from going home. I miss these people with all my heart, they are the true essence of who I am. This week I saw two other people of the same essence. It is comforting to share such a bond with someone.
So, while I watch others drift away, I paddle my boat in the direction it is suppose to go knowing that I cannot look back. Growing up is hard, realizing that some people need to be let go is even harder.
I turn my head and keep paddling tonight because as I look up I know who will be there and who will not. It is the people who have such a strong effect on you that will be at the end, the others are just random fruitless fish in the sea.
The thing that makes these people special is the fact that we have spent years apart and nothing has changed where as some people I see or talk to nearly everyday would never notice if I disappeared. It is times like these you truly see the people who are your friend.
In July I came home crying from going home. I miss these people with all my heart, they are the true essence of who I am. This week I saw two other people of the same essence. It is comforting to share such a bond with someone.
So, while I watch others drift away, I paddle my boat in the direction it is suppose to go knowing that I cannot look back. Growing up is hard, realizing that some people need to be let go is even harder.
I turn my head and keep paddling tonight because as I look up I know who will be there and who will not. It is the people who have such a strong effect on you that will be at the end, the others are just random fruitless fish in the sea.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Invisible Magic
I came across something and just wanted to share whether any of you care or not.
You may think I am a little weird, but I like to do things I used to do when I was a kid because these things made me happy. It was during this time that I had the happiest memories, so of course doing these same things brings back the same happy feeling and leaving me inspired.
Let me ask this first, how many of you remember sitcoms like The Wonder Years, Full House, Step by Step, or even just the TGIF series period? One show my mom and I used to watch was Growing Pains. By the time the series hit season six the theme song became a cappella and if you know my family you would know that my mother and I love tight harmony even though I favor a minor cord.
So go ahead and laugh, but I have been watching every season lately. I came across the one titled Carol's Carnival. Please go ahead and laugh again because I have now watched this specific episode three times. (Ok, even I laughed at this one). I like carnivals, fairs, amusement parks, etc. I love the magic within these places. Do me a favor if you do not believe there is magic there, sit on a bench and watch. I want you to watch the parents, the employees, and more specifically watch the children. Look at their eyes as they sparkle. Listen to the laughter that comes barreling out because nothing is holding it back. Observe the childish innocence, that we as adults, may have lost due to obligation and responsibility of the real world. I want you for once to sit back and pretend to be a kid again, but do it without caring what the other adults around you will think.
I watched Carol's Carnival and observing the scene with the magic mirrors. You all know the kind; one mirror makes you look tall like a giant, another as small as a midget with a big butt, fat as pig, and even as skinny as an unlikely model. Not only did I connect with this moment, but I held on to it until the end of the show. Carol and Jake stand in front of a fat mirror where Carol informs him that she used to be that and this is how she sees herself. Then in front of the skinny mirror she wishes she was what she saw even though Jake tried to convince her otherwise.
By the end of the show, the audience realizes that Jake had alternate intentions for Carol that night even though he was able to realize there was more to her. Carol on the other hand was instructed to declare she was beautiful even after a student from Yale turned her down and Jack sent her home. Carol apologized to Jake before leaving basically for being herself. This was when Jake made her realize that she was beautiful by no one else's standards but her own.
I am sure we have all been there in the land of insecurities and to a degree I do not believe we ever leave. If there is one thing this episode has strengthened it is the fact that, for me, I do not care what anyone thinks. I will not be brought down by drama if only to please another person and make that person feel better and I will not be ashamed for doing all the same childish twerks now that I used to do as a kid. I am VERY proud to be young at heart, to hope Santa exists, and pray Peter Pan takes me to Neverland because somewhere in there lies a little bit of magic and who better to spread it......than me. :)
You may think I am a little weird, but I like to do things I used to do when I was a kid because these things made me happy. It was during this time that I had the happiest memories, so of course doing these same things brings back the same happy feeling and leaving me inspired.
Let me ask this first, how many of you remember sitcoms like The Wonder Years, Full House, Step by Step, or even just the TGIF series period? One show my mom and I used to watch was Growing Pains. By the time the series hit season six the theme song became a cappella and if you know my family you would know that my mother and I love tight harmony even though I favor a minor cord.
So go ahead and laugh, but I have been watching every season lately. I came across the one titled Carol's Carnival. Please go ahead and laugh again because I have now watched this specific episode three times. (Ok, even I laughed at this one). I like carnivals, fairs, amusement parks, etc. I love the magic within these places. Do me a favor if you do not believe there is magic there, sit on a bench and watch. I want you to watch the parents, the employees, and more specifically watch the children. Look at their eyes as they sparkle. Listen to the laughter that comes barreling out because nothing is holding it back. Observe the childish innocence, that we as adults, may have lost due to obligation and responsibility of the real world. I want you for once to sit back and pretend to be a kid again, but do it without caring what the other adults around you will think.
I watched Carol's Carnival and observing the scene with the magic mirrors. You all know the kind; one mirror makes you look tall like a giant, another as small as a midget with a big butt, fat as pig, and even as skinny as an unlikely model. Not only did I connect with this moment, but I held on to it until the end of the show. Carol and Jake stand in front of a fat mirror where Carol informs him that she used to be that and this is how she sees herself. Then in front of the skinny mirror she wishes she was what she saw even though Jake tried to convince her otherwise.
By the end of the show, the audience realizes that Jake had alternate intentions for Carol that night even though he was able to realize there was more to her. Carol on the other hand was instructed to declare she was beautiful even after a student from Yale turned her down and Jack sent her home. Carol apologized to Jake before leaving basically for being herself. This was when Jake made her realize that she was beautiful by no one else's standards but her own.
I am sure we have all been there in the land of insecurities and to a degree I do not believe we ever leave. If there is one thing this episode has strengthened it is the fact that, for me, I do not care what anyone thinks. I will not be brought down by drama if only to please another person and make that person feel better and I will not be ashamed for doing all the same childish twerks now that I used to do as a kid. I am VERY proud to be young at heart, to hope Santa exists, and pray Peter Pan takes me to Neverland because somewhere in there lies a little bit of magic and who better to spread it......than me. :)
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Reason We Have Fiction
It is alive! That is right, fiction is alive. Have any of you wondered about why we have fiction books? I think I have figured it out actually. No one wants to live in reality. Reality is hard, reality has obligations, and reality requires us to be responsible. Then there is fiction.
Fiction is that point between reality and dreams; the place we fantasize about in hopes it comes true. It is the obtainable that we are able to brush our finger tips across, but not be able to fully grasp. In fiction we do what our physical bodies will not allow us to do, we take a risk we would normally not try, and we are able to live the truth where the world around us would rather have a lie.
Yes, I am a freak for fiction for all the obvious reasons above, but the truth is something that I wish was more accepted. I try to understand how a person can truly live without truth in that person's life. It makes me curious how many people would rather hear me tell them a fudged up story than a true outcome. I guess I somewhat understand because I would rather live the adventure instead of the obligations of reality.
So where does that leave us? In the books. At least we know why there is a business in fiction. :)
P.S I have my first test dummy idea for a book and teammate to help kick my bum to finish and potentially publish it. I have never been more excited in my life.
Fiction is that point between reality and dreams; the place we fantasize about in hopes it comes true. It is the obtainable that we are able to brush our finger tips across, but not be able to fully grasp. In fiction we do what our physical bodies will not allow us to do, we take a risk we would normally not try, and we are able to live the truth where the world around us would rather have a lie.
Yes, I am a freak for fiction for all the obvious reasons above, but the truth is something that I wish was more accepted. I try to understand how a person can truly live without truth in that person's life. It makes me curious how many people would rather hear me tell them a fudged up story than a true outcome. I guess I somewhat understand because I would rather live the adventure instead of the obligations of reality.
So where does that leave us? In the books. At least we know why there is a business in fiction. :)
P.S I have my first test dummy idea for a book and teammate to help kick my bum to finish and potentially publish it. I have never been more excited in my life.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
I couldn't say it better......"As the World Turns"
Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to thank all of you for reading my blog. I know this started out as something objective, but what is more objective than an actual life itself. I have shared many....MANY things with you. Some I am weak maybe strong, mouthy or opinionated, or maybe just plain too personal all together.
Well folks, that is life. You are going to run into many people in your life. Some stay while others go and some you try to hold onto praying they will not forget you because you still have yet to forget them.
My goal this year was to have 2012 be for me and so far I think this is the only New Year's resolution that I have actually kept. There was a time I knew what was right for me and now I am learning to trust even myself again as well as others. I am trying new things while facing my fears in others and then moving on when I used to sit and wait.
Point is not always what I learn, what I am doing, or that I redecorated (as if ya hadn't notice?), but to plant that little seed in your head and make you think ...at least a little. Hopefully from me you relive a memory or try something new enough to just smile a little and laugh it off. If it is one thing I would like you to take from this is that life is too short to be so damn serious. If you are not laughing and enjoying yourself, you are wasting a life that some would die for. haha...I know morbid, but true.
I hope you have all enjoyed my writing and hopefully swore at me a couple times. :-) I'm sorry if any of you feel offended, but I am not sorry I wrote it or said it.....EVER. So I would like to personally invite you to my new look as well as maybe a few other new things I started in life and continue to enjoy.
Next stop.......short story competition???? Wish me luck.
P.S. Does anyone know what a "bug" exercise is? Just had to put that randomness out there.
;-)
I just wanted to thank all of you for reading my blog. I know this started out as something objective, but what is more objective than an actual life itself. I have shared many....MANY things with you. Some I am weak maybe strong, mouthy or opinionated, or maybe just plain too personal all together.
Well folks, that is life. You are going to run into many people in your life. Some stay while others go and some you try to hold onto praying they will not forget you because you still have yet to forget them.
My goal this year was to have 2012 be for me and so far I think this is the only New Year's resolution that I have actually kept. There was a time I knew what was right for me and now I am learning to trust even myself again as well as others. I am trying new things while facing my fears in others and then moving on when I used to sit and wait.
Point is not always what I learn, what I am doing, or that I redecorated (as if ya hadn't notice?), but to plant that little seed in your head and make you think ...at least a little. Hopefully from me you relive a memory or try something new enough to just smile a little and laugh it off. If it is one thing I would like you to take from this is that life is too short to be so damn serious. If you are not laughing and enjoying yourself, you are wasting a life that some would die for. haha...I know morbid, but true.
I hope you have all enjoyed my writing and hopefully swore at me a couple times. :-) I'm sorry if any of you feel offended, but I am not sorry I wrote it or said it.....EVER. So I would like to personally invite you to my new look as well as maybe a few other new things I started in life and continue to enjoy.
Next stop.......short story competition???? Wish me luck.
P.S. Does anyone know what a "bug" exercise is? Just had to put that randomness out there.
;-)
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
It's all ......FAIR.
It is fair time in town this week and I had to go. I left work early today feeling I needed to get out of a box and be set free. One way of doing this is going somewhere in a big crowd to blend in.
There wasn't too much problem walking around being unnoticed, but it was interesting to watch the rest of the crowd. Parents were either watching their kids or yelling at them to behave while playing games or going on the rides. Teenagers were on the prowl for the opposite sex or with their significant others in stereotypical "honeymoon" stage walking around. Younger kids were screaming and wailing either for a good time on the rides or because they wanted mommy and daddy to get them something.
So, I watched.......
I watched a boy run after his white dog that had just snuck the leach out of the boys hand.
I watched a young boy boldly go up to another, introducing himself again after the two had met at another event.
I listened to two girls gossip about their crushes while eating a Greek pita.
I watched the fairgrounds fill up with people ready for a night out with the people important to them.
It has always been these types of small things that make me love fair time. I remember when I was younger going to the fair, being yelled at that we could only WALK through because we did not have money, watching people cook, take care of animals, etc. Then there is the food. How can you not love fat greasy fair food? I made the exception tonight to eat the unhealthy stuff thinking that this only happens once a year like Christmas or Thanksgiving so I should enjoy it while I can. I did, too!
Today I went to the fair by myself because I wanted to and I did not need anyone there with me to enjoy something that I consider fun. Not that I do not want to share experiences like this with someone, but I proved to myself that I can do this on my own and still share it with other.
:-)
There wasn't too much problem walking around being unnoticed, but it was interesting to watch the rest of the crowd. Parents were either watching their kids or yelling at them to behave while playing games or going on the rides. Teenagers were on the prowl for the opposite sex or with their significant others in stereotypical "honeymoon" stage walking around. Younger kids were screaming and wailing either for a good time on the rides or because they wanted mommy and daddy to get them something.
So, I watched.......
I watched a boy run after his white dog that had just snuck the leach out of the boys hand.
I watched a young boy boldly go up to another, introducing himself again after the two had met at another event.
I listened to two girls gossip about their crushes while eating a Greek pita.
I watched the fairgrounds fill up with people ready for a night out with the people important to them.
It has always been these types of small things that make me love fair time. I remember when I was younger going to the fair, being yelled at that we could only WALK through because we did not have money, watching people cook, take care of animals, etc. Then there is the food. How can you not love fat greasy fair food? I made the exception tonight to eat the unhealthy stuff thinking that this only happens once a year like Christmas or Thanksgiving so I should enjoy it while I can. I did, too!
Today I went to the fair by myself because I wanted to and I did not need anyone there with me to enjoy something that I consider fun. Not that I do not want to share experiences like this with someone, but I proved to myself that I can do this on my own and still share it with other.
:-)
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A Walk With Rain...
Some of you might read this and think A) this girl is weird, B) this girl is insane, or C) why?
It was 2:30 am on a Sunday morning. The rain was calling my name as it fell from the sky. I tried just observing it from the window, but it was all too tempting. What can I say? I HAD to go for a walk. This has always been something special to me and to be honest only a special person would understand.
So I changed into decent clothes and walked out the door not looking back. At first I felt stupid because this is not what a "normal" person would do. Then I went for it. After the initial shock of the cold water I got used it. I began to walk down the street not exactly knowing where I was going to stop. One block down I turned around and the voices in my head told me to keep going. Two blocks down, keep going. Three blocks down, could I get sick from being this soak and wet?
I tuned out everything around me except the sound of the rain falling, flowing down the street, down the sewer, and down the street. The sound of nothing but the rain was so therapeutic it left me thinking back to some vacations of mine.
First dated me back to my sophomore band trip to Niagara Falls. For some reason water just clears my mind as if I were being cleansed in a bath.
I continued to walk with my bare feet soaking in the puddles and the rain now creeping up my pant leg to my knees. I remembered a summer vacation when my sister and I were imagining we were homeless. We were at a rest stop so my father could sleep a little bit before we continued on our way to our desination. My sister and I grabbed some blankets and curled up outside the car on the sidewalk. Next thing we know a cop is stopping by to see if we got left behind. (lol.) As I was walking I had to chuckle a little realizing this was a true moment of our imaginations.
Eventually I end my walk down the middle of the street not worrying about any cars because there are none. I pray sometime, someday, that someone will understand. To me, this walk was heaven because for a brief moment I left reality.
It was 2:30 am on a Sunday morning. The rain was calling my name as it fell from the sky. I tried just observing it from the window, but it was all too tempting. What can I say? I HAD to go for a walk. This has always been something special to me and to be honest only a special person would understand.
So I changed into decent clothes and walked out the door not looking back. At first I felt stupid because this is not what a "normal" person would do. Then I went for it. After the initial shock of the cold water I got used it. I began to walk down the street not exactly knowing where I was going to stop. One block down I turned around and the voices in my head told me to keep going. Two blocks down, keep going. Three blocks down, could I get sick from being this soak and wet?
I tuned out everything around me except the sound of the rain falling, flowing down the street, down the sewer, and down the street. The sound of nothing but the rain was so therapeutic it left me thinking back to some vacations of mine.
First dated me back to my sophomore band trip to Niagara Falls. For some reason water just clears my mind as if I were being cleansed in a bath.
I continued to walk with my bare feet soaking in the puddles and the rain now creeping up my pant leg to my knees. I remembered a summer vacation when my sister and I were imagining we were homeless. We were at a rest stop so my father could sleep a little bit before we continued on our way to our desination. My sister and I grabbed some blankets and curled up outside the car on the sidewalk. Next thing we know a cop is stopping by to see if we got left behind. (lol.) As I was walking I had to chuckle a little realizing this was a true moment of our imaginations.
Eventually I end my walk down the middle of the street not worrying about any cars because there are none. I pray sometime, someday, that someone will understand. To me, this walk was heaven because for a brief moment I left reality.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Old School?? or Just Growing up.
I read an article this week on how young adults in their 20s are not growing up, meaning they are still set in the "life is like high school" mindset. I did not take much thought to the article until I looked at a couple young 20 year olds in my life. Let's review shall we.
When I was younger and living on a farm there was no question of work. Work was required and a necessity to live. Now I see at least two examples where it is accepted that you live off the government or off someone else and use the funds available to drink, smoke, etc. It is almost as if paying bills is a non existent thought. So the simple necessities like food, shelter, transporation are not important. What about kids? Do they come second as well?
I was talking with a friend about the concept of work and she expressed concern to the shocked face from a coworker at the explanation of "overtime." To those who do not know this means you work extra hours (more than the regular 40 per week) and get paid for them, sometimes you get paid extra. Some young adults think this allows for a flexible schedule for the rest of the week. For example, if I work 10 hours one day I can work 6 the next. NOPE!!! Sorry, wrong!! Nice try! Life does not work this way and good luck changing it.
Besides work whatever happened to teaching responsibility, a spanking, or dare I say common sense? I once received an email that common sense is dead. I must say I have to agree with this statement. Below I will post the email. Read it and sit back to think. I do not know the author even though this person had some real insight to people.
Responsibility. Life is made up of "maybe" so no one does any wrong. I guess my view is a person, yes me too, should be mature enough to handle the truth and own up when that person has done wrong. How is a person going to be able to change or improve if a person is considered always right and never wrong or is not told of the wrong? Makes for a boring life if you know all the answers. What is there left to explore then?
As for spanking, this topic was inspired by a discussion with two friends of mine. One lift of the hand and a child cryies wolf. Should a situation have gotten to that point where a child cries wolf? I believe in a good spanking, one that teaches, but is not overdone. A good swap or two was always enough of a lesson to me. This may be an old school thinking, but it taught a lot.
So what happens when the irresponsible young generation grows up to the next decade? I could give a few examples at least financially speaking. I am not saying all early 20 year olds are irresponsible, but there are quite a few and for their sake.....I hope they eventually remove the blinding goggles and grow up.
As promised......
OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was as his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticking plaster to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility and his son Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
When I was younger and living on a farm there was no question of work. Work was required and a necessity to live. Now I see at least two examples where it is accepted that you live off the government or off someone else and use the funds available to drink, smoke, etc. It is almost as if paying bills is a non existent thought. So the simple necessities like food, shelter, transporation are not important. What about kids? Do they come second as well?
I was talking with a friend about the concept of work and she expressed concern to the shocked face from a coworker at the explanation of "overtime." To those who do not know this means you work extra hours (more than the regular 40 per week) and get paid for them, sometimes you get paid extra. Some young adults think this allows for a flexible schedule for the rest of the week. For example, if I work 10 hours one day I can work 6 the next. NOPE!!! Sorry, wrong!! Nice try! Life does not work this way and good luck changing it.
Besides work whatever happened to teaching responsibility, a spanking, or dare I say common sense? I once received an email that common sense is dead. I must say I have to agree with this statement. Below I will post the email. Read it and sit back to think. I do not know the author even though this person had some real insight to people.
Responsibility. Life is made up of "maybe" so no one does any wrong. I guess my view is a person, yes me too, should be mature enough to handle the truth and own up when that person has done wrong. How is a person going to be able to change or improve if a person is considered always right and never wrong or is not told of the wrong? Makes for a boring life if you know all the answers. What is there left to explore then?
As for spanking, this topic was inspired by a discussion with two friends of mine. One lift of the hand and a child cryies wolf. Should a situation have gotten to that point where a child cries wolf? I believe in a good spanking, one that teaches, but is not overdone. A good swap or two was always enough of a lesson to me. This may be an old school thinking, but it taught a lot.
So what happens when the irresponsible young generation grows up to the next decade? I could give a few examples at least financially speaking. I am not saying all early 20 year olds are irresponsible, but there are quite a few and for their sake.....I hope they eventually remove the blinding goggles and grow up.
As promised......
| COMMON SENSE IS DEAD!!!!! |
OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was as his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticking plaster to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility and his son Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
To b*@&%, or to be a b#*@&....that is the question.
I would like to forewarn anyone who reads this for it will contain very explicit and blunt language.
Tonight I went to the gym deciding I needed to add training sessions to my life as if I did not have much time to myself in the first place after work and school. It turns out that I am physically worse off than what I thought I was, according to my standards. So this week not only am I not what I thought I was, but I am also not what someone else thinks I am.
Let me explain.
In an relationship there is a give and take, a want and a necessity. Well, when you have nothing to give and you do not want to lose the nothingness you have you might as well sit on your @zz. I decided to let go of a person who was toxic to my life. If any of you understand pollution, it spreads after a short time of leaving its mark. I wanted this time to be different though. Instead of repeating a past mistake of playing yo-yo with a person (letting them go, taking them back, letting them go, taking them back, letting.....get my drift???) I was going to have the will power to just drop this person cold turkey.
I am disappointed to report that this person wanted to be a part of my life to which I have yet to figure out. You see when a person shoves in your face that this person is always right, cannot not apologize, and blames the REST OF SOCIETY for not understanding said person...then we have a problem. After all that why would you need such an imperfect person like me in your life? Obviously you have stated that I am the one who is wrong, I should apologize for anything that goes wrong, oh and then I should apologize for society not understanding that you are not intelligent enough to clarify what you want everyone else to understand.
Let me make this simple for those of you reading this. THAT......is not a relationship. THAT ....is an abusive relationship where one party uses another party. How do I know this? I HAVE BEEN IN MORE THAN ONE DAMN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!
So what happened? I was curious what this person had to say to me since the whole situation could not be left alone. The conversation ended with me turning down dinner with this person and then being verbally abused. Now not all of you know me personally, but hopefully enough to know that what I tell you next may shock you. This person said I was a cold-hearted bitch. Then I got a lecture on the difference of thinking with your emotions (heart) as opposed to your mind. Let's just said after the verbal garbage I locked up any feelings towards this person. At that point I did not want to be friends or anything more than friends. I did not want to be in the same area as this person. So I will admit that I became the cold-hearted bitch that I was called only to find out this person wanted me, the one with the heart. I have a heart.....that is now locked in a damn box before I feed it to my carnivore pets that thirst wimp blood.
Okay, so I get a bit dramatic, but the meaning is still there. I told my friend at work who is 70 years old that I was said to be a cold-hearted bitch. She stepped back, looked at me funny, and said, "Girl, that person does not know you very well." She is right. A person has feelings. A robot has no emotion. So I started out my week observing this person, praying my will power was strong enough. Nope! (I so fail at my own tasks) :(
I noticed eyes that were a bit blood shot and black from lack of sleep, clothes that were a bit frumpy, and a person who could once stand straight a bit hunched over. I sent an email asking if that person was okay. Would a cold-hearted bitch do this? The person had not been feeling well and maybe the polite thing to say would be, "thanks for asking." I said I cared, but I did not want to have feelings toward this person, why? This person had already hurt me and accused me of thoughts this person ASSUMED I had. The response I got back motivated me to do some changes in my life.
My devotion to school set in, priority to workout at the gym in hopes the couple friends that used to call me "beautiful" would do so again, and I decided that I need to have will power and force myself not to care about this person anymore. That is a lot to handle, but let me tell you why......
.....If you ever tell me I am a mean selfish cold-hearted bitch again I will have to uncontrolably punch you 1) for your stupidity and 2) because that is a horrible thing to say to anyone especially if you want that person to be your friend. It is this energy that I must throw into school, work, and workout because the only time I have ever felt this much anger physically toward anyone was when I was when I was being physically abused in another bad relationship I once had. You see, I told you I had experience....I just know how to be an adult and move on.
Tonight I went to the gym deciding I needed to add training sessions to my life as if I did not have much time to myself in the first place after work and school. It turns out that I am physically worse off than what I thought I was, according to my standards. So this week not only am I not what I thought I was, but I am also not what someone else thinks I am.
Let me explain.
In an relationship there is a give and take, a want and a necessity. Well, when you have nothing to give and you do not want to lose the nothingness you have you might as well sit on your @zz. I decided to let go of a person who was toxic to my life. If any of you understand pollution, it spreads after a short time of leaving its mark. I wanted this time to be different though. Instead of repeating a past mistake of playing yo-yo with a person (letting them go, taking them back, letting them go, taking them back, letting.....get my drift???) I was going to have the will power to just drop this person cold turkey.
I am disappointed to report that this person wanted to be a part of my life to which I have yet to figure out. You see when a person shoves in your face that this person is always right, cannot not apologize, and blames the REST OF SOCIETY for not understanding said person...then we have a problem. After all that why would you need such an imperfect person like me in your life? Obviously you have stated that I am the one who is wrong, I should apologize for anything that goes wrong, oh and then I should apologize for society not understanding that you are not intelligent enough to clarify what you want everyone else to understand.
Let me make this simple for those of you reading this. THAT......is not a relationship. THAT ....is an abusive relationship where one party uses another party. How do I know this? I HAVE BEEN IN MORE THAN ONE DAMN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!
So what happened? I was curious what this person had to say to me since the whole situation could not be left alone. The conversation ended with me turning down dinner with this person and then being verbally abused. Now not all of you know me personally, but hopefully enough to know that what I tell you next may shock you. This person said I was a cold-hearted bitch. Then I got a lecture on the difference of thinking with your emotions (heart) as opposed to your mind. Let's just said after the verbal garbage I locked up any feelings towards this person. At that point I did not want to be friends or anything more than friends. I did not want to be in the same area as this person. So I will admit that I became the cold-hearted bitch that I was called only to find out this person wanted me, the one with the heart. I have a heart.....that is now locked in a damn box before I feed it to my carnivore pets that thirst wimp blood.
Okay, so I get a bit dramatic, but the meaning is still there. I told my friend at work who is 70 years old that I was said to be a cold-hearted bitch. She stepped back, looked at me funny, and said, "Girl, that person does not know you very well." She is right. A person has feelings. A robot has no emotion. So I started out my week observing this person, praying my will power was strong enough. Nope! (I so fail at my own tasks) :(
I noticed eyes that were a bit blood shot and black from lack of sleep, clothes that were a bit frumpy, and a person who could once stand straight a bit hunched over. I sent an email asking if that person was okay. Would a cold-hearted bitch do this? The person had not been feeling well and maybe the polite thing to say would be, "thanks for asking." I said I cared, but I did not want to have feelings toward this person, why? This person had already hurt me and accused me of thoughts this person ASSUMED I had. The response I got back motivated me to do some changes in my life.
My devotion to school set in, priority to workout at the gym in hopes the couple friends that used to call me "beautiful" would do so again, and I decided that I need to have will power and force myself not to care about this person anymore. That is a lot to handle, but let me tell you why......
.....If you ever tell me I am a mean selfish cold-hearted bitch again I will have to uncontrolably punch you 1) for your stupidity and 2) because that is a horrible thing to say to anyone especially if you want that person to be your friend. It is this energy that I must throw into school, work, and workout because the only time I have ever felt this much anger physically toward anyone was when I was when I was being physically abused in another bad relationship I once had. You see, I told you I had experience....I just know how to be an adult and move on.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Ultimatum....Pfffft!!!!
Today I did some thinking about the people in my life. This had all started last night when I had a bit of trouble sleeping and when I did finally fall asleep my dreams led to a particular person. You might ask what was it about this person that let your mind journey so far? One word: ultimatum.
I do not like this word. What gives you the right to sit and force a choice when there is not enough evidence to make a choice? I was given one of these lately and due to the circumstances I know which choice this person wants me to choose. Sadly, since I have to choose and this person is trying to force me to do what that person wants I would rather choose the other. Yes, I will admit I am a bit rebellious.
My ultimatum was chosing to be friends with a person or not. Well, if I am not allowed to choose for myself because you presented the ultimatum then I will choose not to be friends. I already delt with someone choosing my life for me and that is not right. It is wrong for one person to have control over someone else. I thought it was the independent thinking that attracts you to a person not the fact you can control them.
Let me just say that when it comes to a friendship I do not want to be the one that listens all the time, I do not want to be the one that is intelectually challenged, and I want to be acknowledged for my value meaning I want you to know the purpose you need for me in your life. Keep in mind I would expect my friend to want this as well. My best relationships are the ones where both parties are equal. After so long I got sick of trying to impress this person or feeling I had to impress that I have given up until something proves otherwise. I figure if there is some value it will show itself, but things like this cannot be rushed by an ultimatum....childish actually.
If there is one thing that I have learned it is that things of worth come in their own time. If you really want it be patient (that means stomp, kick, scream, or pout to waste time) and it will reveal what you need.
I do not like this word. What gives you the right to sit and force a choice when there is not enough evidence to make a choice? I was given one of these lately and due to the circumstances I know which choice this person wants me to choose. Sadly, since I have to choose and this person is trying to force me to do what that person wants I would rather choose the other. Yes, I will admit I am a bit rebellious.
My ultimatum was chosing to be friends with a person or not. Well, if I am not allowed to choose for myself because you presented the ultimatum then I will choose not to be friends. I already delt with someone choosing my life for me and that is not right. It is wrong for one person to have control over someone else. I thought it was the independent thinking that attracts you to a person not the fact you can control them.
Let me just say that when it comes to a friendship I do not want to be the one that listens all the time, I do not want to be the one that is intelectually challenged, and I want to be acknowledged for my value meaning I want you to know the purpose you need for me in your life. Keep in mind I would expect my friend to want this as well. My best relationships are the ones where both parties are equal. After so long I got sick of trying to impress this person or feeling I had to impress that I have given up until something proves otherwise. I figure if there is some value it will show itself, but things like this cannot be rushed by an ultimatum....childish actually.
If there is one thing that I have learned it is that things of worth come in their own time. If you really want it be patient (that means stomp, kick, scream, or pout to waste time) and it will reveal what you need.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Mind over heart
Today I had an eye opener. I had someone call me a cold hearted bee with an itch. I will not lie, but I was actually flattered. For once I started rationalizing things in my head before following my heart.
I am normally a person who puts others before myself. I think there is good in everyone and when someone proves me wrong I have this bad habit or addiction of taking that person back into my life. Recently I have learned that people do not change when they do not want to nor do they see what is right under their nose.
There was this guy in my life who I used to like at one point in time. I allowed myself to give into my addictions and fantasize who I thought he was only to find out that I was never good enough for him in 'that' way and he like any other male in my life preferred a woman of lesser qualities. So in recent events I find out things have not changed except my outlook. I do not care what others think of me except those who are close to me. I do not care what others are doing except those close to me. I am not going to feel anything for anyone else than for those who have already earned those feelings.
To some this is hard to grasp because my heart is cold. You do not understand. I never want to feel pain in my chest so harsh that I feel I should rip my insides out for relief. Right now I forfeit the option. I will not allow mind games to control me anymore. Many have referred to me as a wild Mustang that cannot be trained and maybe I am, but if that is what prevents any painful feeling then so be it.
I would like to give a yell out to my friends from my past trip. My heart is always with you guys. You know my past, my present, and my future. You know my dark side and the angel that sits on the other shoulder. You know where I come from and where I am going. You understand that life is just a big aventure like a kid in a candy store and we should not waste it. I love you all so much.
So what may you ask is my point? Listen to your mind so you do not pick up the trash and if you happen to find a real gem, hold onto it with your heart before it is too late. To a specific person...take it slow or walk away, what is it worth to you because I am not going to be the scapegoat anymore?
"In a relationship both must have mind or both must have heart, not one of each"
I am normally a person who puts others before myself. I think there is good in everyone and when someone proves me wrong I have this bad habit or addiction of taking that person back into my life. Recently I have learned that people do not change when they do not want to nor do they see what is right under their nose.
There was this guy in my life who I used to like at one point in time. I allowed myself to give into my addictions and fantasize who I thought he was only to find out that I was never good enough for him in 'that' way and he like any other male in my life preferred a woman of lesser qualities. So in recent events I find out things have not changed except my outlook. I do not care what others think of me except those who are close to me. I do not care what others are doing except those close to me. I am not going to feel anything for anyone else than for those who have already earned those feelings.
To some this is hard to grasp because my heart is cold. You do not understand. I never want to feel pain in my chest so harsh that I feel I should rip my insides out for relief. Right now I forfeit the option. I will not allow mind games to control me anymore. Many have referred to me as a wild Mustang that cannot be trained and maybe I am, but if that is what prevents any painful feeling then so be it.
I would like to give a yell out to my friends from my past trip. My heart is always with you guys. You know my past, my present, and my future. You know my dark side and the angel that sits on the other shoulder. You know where I come from and where I am going. You understand that life is just a big aventure like a kid in a candy store and we should not waste it. I love you all so much.
So what may you ask is my point? Listen to your mind so you do not pick up the trash and if you happen to find a real gem, hold onto it with your heart before it is too late. To a specific person...take it slow or walk away, what is it worth to you because I am not going to be the scapegoat anymore?
"In a relationship both must have mind or both must have heart, not one of each"
Sunday, July 22, 2012
The Rough Rub of Truth
"Spend you time on those that love you unconditionally... Don't waste it on those that ONLY love you when the conditions are right for them!!" -->(Understand?)
It has been one week since I attended a wedding for one of my best friends. I went through this whole week remembering that I am worth more than money can buy and worth more than childish games. Being with my friends who have been there for me through thick and thin empowered me to be more. I saw the quote above which inspired more strength, but with regret.
The strength came from a friend who told me she would always love me unconditionally, even my bad habit. The regret? I want to tell another friend that I will always love this person unconditionally, even through this person's ignorance.
I came back last weekend hoping this person would want to see me since this same person had wanted to see me before I left. Nothing yet, although part of me misses this person. I do see, however, values lie within everything that is fake. I want to ask, "Why do you allow these cheap fake people to use you? Why do you not see the quality person that I get to see when I look at you? Why do you advertise how incredible you are and not actually believe it?" Now what do I really want to say tough love style? "Get your filthy hands off the tramps! You wonder why they come to you when it is convenient for them and you wonder why they keep coming and going out of your life. It is because they do not give a rotten rat's @zz about you. Who is going to stand next to you and listen to your problems? Who is going to love you no matter what has happened to you, what is happening to you, and what is going to happen to you? Who is going to stand there, hold your hand, and tell you are worth more than cheap perfume has to offer?" Good cop:Leave them alone because if you do not you know you will end up alone. If you follow them you will leave the REAL friends you have and the FAKE ones will pass you by once they have used you up.
Right now I am tired of seeing the game. I wish you would stop buying something you are smart enough to know will not last. If you want to spend money on people and buy people....try the real friends who did not need your money in the first place.
Love,
Angel (I.V.)
It has been one week since I attended a wedding for one of my best friends. I went through this whole week remembering that I am worth more than money can buy and worth more than childish games. Being with my friends who have been there for me through thick and thin empowered me to be more. I saw the quote above which inspired more strength, but with regret.
The strength came from a friend who told me she would always love me unconditionally, even my bad habit. The regret? I want to tell another friend that I will always love this person unconditionally, even through this person's ignorance.
I came back last weekend hoping this person would want to see me since this same person had wanted to see me before I left. Nothing yet, although part of me misses this person. I do see, however, values lie within everything that is fake. I want to ask, "Why do you allow these cheap fake people to use you? Why do you not see the quality person that I get to see when I look at you? Why do you advertise how incredible you are and not actually believe it?" Now what do I really want to say tough love style? "Get your filthy hands off the tramps! You wonder why they come to you when it is convenient for them and you wonder why they keep coming and going out of your life. It is because they do not give a rotten rat's @zz about you. Who is going to stand next to you and listen to your problems? Who is going to love you no matter what has happened to you, what is happening to you, and what is going to happen to you? Who is going to stand there, hold your hand, and tell you are worth more than cheap perfume has to offer?" Good cop:Leave them alone because if you do not you know you will end up alone. If you follow them you will leave the REAL friends you have and the FAKE ones will pass you by once they have used you up.
Right now I am tired of seeing the game. I wish you would stop buying something you are smart enough to know will not last. If you want to spend money on people and buy people....try the real friends who did not need your money in the first place.
Love,
Angel (I.V.)
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Going to the Chapel and we're.....
http://youtu.be/cMfrLFirGWc
This weekend I experienced something I do not see very often in my life; another wedding. I was priveleged enough to be one of the bridesmaids and watch the ceremony from the front. I had a few flashbacks to my past, but this was not MY time. This was my friend's time and I was extremely happy for her.
The part I want to point out to everyone is based on a moment. I have a guilty pleasure, I love watching old couples walk together hand in hand as though they were two teenagers falling in love for the first time all over again. When I was younger my grandparents made it to their 50th anniversary. I remember thinking that I wanted to have a 50th anniversary when I got older. Now if I get that dream the guy is going to have to live until he is eighty years old. The reason I mention this at all is because my friend has found that 50th anniversary man that she will continue to hold hands with forever. Am I jealous? Yes, but moreso happy for her. I saw in a movie one time a character who watched the groom instead of the bride at any wedding. I have done the same for quite some time.
She started down the isle and his eyes twinkled. He was like a happy puppy eager for his bride, but those eyes said so much. I could not take my eyes off them. He told her he loved her, she was forever, she was the only one, she was his world, and all through his eyes.
Thank you, Sims, for the experience and opening my eyes. May your circuts keep running and your hardware run forever....oh wait, wrong computer program. Love you both!
This weekend I experienced something I do not see very often in my life; another wedding. I was priveleged enough to be one of the bridesmaids and watch the ceremony from the front. I had a few flashbacks to my past, but this was not MY time. This was my friend's time and I was extremely happy for her.
The part I want to point out to everyone is based on a moment. I have a guilty pleasure, I love watching old couples walk together hand in hand as though they were two teenagers falling in love for the first time all over again. When I was younger my grandparents made it to their 50th anniversary. I remember thinking that I wanted to have a 50th anniversary when I got older. Now if I get that dream the guy is going to have to live until he is eighty years old. The reason I mention this at all is because my friend has found that 50th anniversary man that she will continue to hold hands with forever. Am I jealous? Yes, but moreso happy for her. I saw in a movie one time a character who watched the groom instead of the bride at any wedding. I have done the same for quite some time.
She started down the isle and his eyes twinkled. He was like a happy puppy eager for his bride, but those eyes said so much. I could not take my eyes off them. He told her he loved her, she was forever, she was the only one, she was his world, and all through his eyes.
Thank you, Sims, for the experience and opening my eyes. May your circuts keep running and your hardware run forever....oh wait, wrong computer program. Love you both!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Green eyes
Tonight I finished my draft for school tonight and decided to do some reading of my own for personal enjoyment. The funny thing about this book is I wish that some of the events took place while others did take place. Everyone has different personalities at different times.
I will use myself as an example. There is work me who puts in her earbuds listening to classical piano music while drifting off doing her mindless job until her body says her mind is needed to knock down a particular wall. I take walks with a friend of mine and still there is part of me that is reserved because I can be offensive. The things I say can be positively cynical, negative (or as I like to call it realistic), or even sexual and not a lot of people are accepting of that. Some would rather you fit in a little box...like everyone else.
At the end of my day I am home, but not relaxed. It is here I am the student and the writer and not many have the privelege of knowing in a deep manner even though you are able to read my somewhat censored or politically corrected words on a PC screen. There is the girl that falls asleep at night in my room whose dreams fly in color. She dreams big even at the fear that what she sees will not come true.
They are all me and I am jealous of everyone of them. I cannot help that I am wild, a bit sneeky, and driven to stir things up. I cannot help that I refuse to live a life like a robot because I chose to have an adventure. Sure I may be a bit jealous of the girl I was who had the dream of a 50th anniversary like her grandparents, to be able to trust even the closest person, or to have that small girl with pigtails and blue eyes looking at you. I'm slowly accepting the fact that my hazel eyes do not need to be green anymore.
What I am is a person who needs to be tamed like a wild mustang and be saved from the rabbit hole every now and again. (Sad part is, most of you will not understand that last sentence)
Good night everyone and may your rabbit's foot bring you luck.
I will use myself as an example. There is work me who puts in her earbuds listening to classical piano music while drifting off doing her mindless job until her body says her mind is needed to knock down a particular wall. I take walks with a friend of mine and still there is part of me that is reserved because I can be offensive. The things I say can be positively cynical, negative (or as I like to call it realistic), or even sexual and not a lot of people are accepting of that. Some would rather you fit in a little box...like everyone else.
At the end of my day I am home, but not relaxed. It is here I am the student and the writer and not many have the privelege of knowing in a deep manner even though you are able to read my somewhat censored or politically corrected words on a PC screen. There is the girl that falls asleep at night in my room whose dreams fly in color. She dreams big even at the fear that what she sees will not come true.
They are all me and I am jealous of everyone of them. I cannot help that I am wild, a bit sneeky, and driven to stir things up. I cannot help that I refuse to live a life like a robot because I chose to have an adventure. Sure I may be a bit jealous of the girl I was who had the dream of a 50th anniversary like her grandparents, to be able to trust even the closest person, or to have that small girl with pigtails and blue eyes looking at you. I'm slowly accepting the fact that my hazel eyes do not need to be green anymore.
What I am is a person who needs to be tamed like a wild mustang and be saved from the rabbit hole every now and again. (Sad part is, most of you will not understand that last sentence)
Good night everyone and may your rabbit's foot bring you luck.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Welcome to the Movies
Have you ever watched a movie or a show only to look at your watch and wonder where the time went? I actually used to wonder this when I was younger. It was amazing to me how time could fly so quickly and how so much could happen in a show in that time period. Did you know that a day, a week, and years can pass right before your eyes in one hour? I remember telling my mom not to worry during her mystery shows when it came time for the solution to present itself because "a lot can happen in five minutes." It still can and even in real live.
Tonight I spent time with friends, friends I am close to, and friends who I trust. I learned that I still after the trauma in my life have a lot to learn about myself and how I need to listen to myself. Before my ex I was able to see people clearly. I was able to tell if a person was lying, telling the truth, and sometimes it was almost as if I had a psychic moment with that person. I know you are wondering where this is going. Well, I remember a feeling inside questioning what I was doing with my ex when all he wanted to do was hurt me.
I remember he would separate me from other things in his life like work or his friends. I remember he had deleted me as a friend off his social network. I know these may appear small, but they are actually clues like the bread crumbs from Hansel and Gretal that lead to an answer. That answer is lies and deceit. Questions ran through my head. Why would you delete your wife from your friends list unless you had something to hide from her? Why would you keep a person you deem special separate from the rest of your life unless you did not want others to run into her or information to be exchanged?
My socializing brought me to a deja vu moment, on that I am worried I have yet to repeat again. When you are the opposite of a Tin Man you hope for the best in people not knowing that the best could actually be the worst in a human. I had a friend who I wanted to believe held truths like this until this person acted like my ex. Let's just say I learned a lot in a short amount of time about this person.
"You merged my work and personal live together. I wanted to keep my work friends separate from my other friends."
Sounds a bit weird if not awkward.
"I hid everything on {my social network} because I just want to be able to play the games."
What if I told you that was something my ex said........word for word?
"Those are just little things and you are making such a big deal out of them."
To those of you who will read this let me cue you in on a lesson about people that most will never understand. The little things ARE a big deal because they hold the most value and control over the big things. Hiding someone in different ways separate from other things is a way of lying and hiding who you really are.
Let me give you an example of the small things that make a big difference. A man remembers it is Valentine's Day and decides to send roses to his significant other. She is happy and swooning because it is a touch gesture for the man to be romantic. Another man thinks of his significant other randomly and decides to send flowers because it would make her smile for that day. So which do you think had the biggest impact? The obligation or thoughtful gesture?
They are both nice, but I personally am more partial to the second situation. Why? A person should not have to be obligated to show a feeling or an emotion to another person because that person thinks it is required, but more so because that person wants to do the deed. The second gesture puts the other person first.
So beyond my ranting of putting others first what did I learn tonight? I know how to pick out a liar, follow my intuition, be strong enough to refocus, third time is a charm, and ........fat girls do not make much money stripping if they cannot not shake the goods properly. LOL
Peace out everyone. Good night. Pray my insomnia does not take over my whole night. :)
Tonight I spent time with friends, friends I am close to, and friends who I trust. I learned that I still after the trauma in my life have a lot to learn about myself and how I need to listen to myself. Before my ex I was able to see people clearly. I was able to tell if a person was lying, telling the truth, and sometimes it was almost as if I had a psychic moment with that person. I know you are wondering where this is going. Well, I remember a feeling inside questioning what I was doing with my ex when all he wanted to do was hurt me.
I remember he would separate me from other things in his life like work or his friends. I remember he had deleted me as a friend off his social network. I know these may appear small, but they are actually clues like the bread crumbs from Hansel and Gretal that lead to an answer. That answer is lies and deceit. Questions ran through my head. Why would you delete your wife from your friends list unless you had something to hide from her? Why would you keep a person you deem special separate from the rest of your life unless you did not want others to run into her or information to be exchanged?
My socializing brought me to a deja vu moment, on that I am worried I have yet to repeat again. When you are the opposite of a Tin Man you hope for the best in people not knowing that the best could actually be the worst in a human. I had a friend who I wanted to believe held truths like this until this person acted like my ex. Let's just say I learned a lot in a short amount of time about this person.
"You merged my work and personal live together. I wanted to keep my work friends separate from my other friends."
Sounds a bit weird if not awkward.
"I hid everything on {my social network} because I just want to be able to play the games."
What if I told you that was something my ex said........word for word?
"Those are just little things and you are making such a big deal out of them."
To those of you who will read this let me cue you in on a lesson about people that most will never understand. The little things ARE a big deal because they hold the most value and control over the big things. Hiding someone in different ways separate from other things is a way of lying and hiding who you really are.
Let me give you an example of the small things that make a big difference. A man remembers it is Valentine's Day and decides to send roses to his significant other. She is happy and swooning because it is a touch gesture for the man to be romantic. Another man thinks of his significant other randomly and decides to send flowers because it would make her smile for that day. So which do you think had the biggest impact? The obligation or thoughtful gesture?
They are both nice, but I personally am more partial to the second situation. Why? A person should not have to be obligated to show a feeling or an emotion to another person because that person thinks it is required, but more so because that person wants to do the deed. The second gesture puts the other person first.
So beyond my ranting of putting others first what did I learn tonight? I know how to pick out a liar, follow my intuition, be strong enough to refocus, third time is a charm, and ........fat girls do not make much money stripping if they cannot not shake the goods properly. LOL
Peace out everyone. Good night. Pray my insomnia does not take over my whole night. :)
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Right, No Left, Wait No Right....I'm Confused
I wanted to write a little about right and left brain thinking. Not many people think about this topic too often, but it is something that has been a dominate topic in my family. There are certain things in this world that my family sees that stereotypical normal people do not see. It was not until recently that I found a person who was so incorrect in what he was that I had to look up information on his brain.
Let me tell you about him. He is tall, can dress himself, but the way he thinks makes me wonder if his mouse is still turning the wheel in his brain. He likes to learn, likes to read textbooks, does not like to take risks, and I am going to daringly say borders OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Now for the record this is not meant as an entry to degrade this person. I have learned many scholastic things from him, but he does not understand the other side of the brain. Since I am sarcastic I am going to say this....I am surprised the one side of his head does not weigh him down.
What is interesting is how this individual thinks that he is evenly balance in the brain when truly he has proven otherwise. I took a couple tests today on the Internet to see where my brain lands. The sad part is one test said I am dominant in the left and the other said I am dominant in the right. (No wonder I'm confused most days! I'm screwed!)
So for fun in games I have included characteristics of both sides.....of the story. Take a look because it is interesting to the result and compare to others. I must say though, at least I can keep an even head through this all. :P
I have broke this down in the lists and the boxes because....everyone needs a dose of this writer's sarcasm when looking at the lists.
Left Brain Functions:
uses logic
detail oriented-You know every time I look at this I think oriental? is that weird???
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
knowing ????? Knowing what????
acknowledges order/pattern perception 3 letters.....O....C.....D or the word anal fits too. lol
knows object name
reality based A bit doubtful. Could this be an exaggerated form of reality because Mr. Knowitall does not have a sense of reality.
forms strategies
practical/safe OMG, I remembering him saying that he does not like to take risks because he likes to feel safe in his little box. Will a garbage can work too???
Right Brain Functions:
uses feeling I don't like to use anyone so I think this is rather mean. hahahahaha
"Big picture" oriented Grab some binoculars...enough said
imagination rules
present and future
symbols and future
philosophy and religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning) I think a lot of people look at this and say 'Get what?' Yeah, the answer is in the question.
believes
appreciates Tell me when you should not appreciate something or at least something good?
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based Yeah I don't live here either. This is my vacation home.
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking Damn straight! You do not learn anything unless you take a risk. Sure you can read a book, but you took a risk at that specific book....to possibly escape the experience. Good grief!
Now for the ying and yang ya'lls tail feathers.
Let me tell you about him. He is tall, can dress himself, but the way he thinks makes me wonder if his mouse is still turning the wheel in his brain. He likes to learn, likes to read textbooks, does not like to take risks, and I am going to daringly say borders OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Now for the record this is not meant as an entry to degrade this person. I have learned many scholastic things from him, but he does not understand the other side of the brain. Since I am sarcastic I am going to say this....I am surprised the one side of his head does not weigh him down.
What is interesting is how this individual thinks that he is evenly balance in the brain when truly he has proven otherwise. I took a couple tests today on the Internet to see where my brain lands. The sad part is one test said I am dominant in the left and the other said I am dominant in the right. (No wonder I'm confused most days! I'm screwed!)
So for fun in games I have included characteristics of both sides.....of the story. Take a look because it is interesting to the result and compare to others. I must say though, at least I can keep an even head through this all. :P
I have broke this down in the lists and the boxes because....everyone needs a dose of this writer's sarcasm when looking at the lists.
Left Brain Functions:
uses logic
detail oriented-You know every time I look at this I think oriental? is that weird???
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
knowing ????? Knowing what????
acknowledges order/pattern perception 3 letters.....O....C.....D or the word anal fits too. lol
knows object name
reality based A bit doubtful. Could this be an exaggerated form of reality because Mr. Knowitall does not have a sense of reality.
forms strategies
practical/safe OMG, I remembering him saying that he does not like to take risks because he likes to feel safe in his little box. Will a garbage can work too???
Right Brain Functions:
uses feeling I don't like to use anyone so I think this is rather mean. hahahahaha
"Big picture" oriented Grab some binoculars...enough said
imagination rules
present and future
symbols and future
philosophy and religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning) I think a lot of people look at this and say 'Get what?' Yeah, the answer is in the question.
believes
appreciates Tell me when you should not appreciate something or at least something good?
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based Yeah I don't live here either. This is my vacation home.
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking Damn straight! You do not learn anything unless you take a risk. Sure you can read a book, but you took a risk at that specific book....to possibly escape the experience. Good grief!
Now for the ying and yang ya'lls tail feathers.
|
LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses logic detail oriented facts rule words and language present and past math and science can comprehend knowing acknowledges order/pattern perception knows object name reality based forms strategies practical safe |
RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS uses feeling "big picture" oriented imagination rules symbols and images present and future philosophy & religion can "get it" (i.e. meaning) believes appreciates spatial perception knows object function fantasy based presents possibilities impetuous risk taking |
Unresolved Closure
Today I would like to share a lesson I learned; even though you may care for someone does not mean that person has the privelege of being in your life when they have an intention of hurting you.
Let me share something with my fellow readers and friends, if a person minds you checking up on said person, then obviously there is something being hidden. I try to understand how a person can live two different lives: work friend and the ex factor. Life is a cycle and until you realize that my friend you are in for a big surprise. I was warned you like to make people have feelings for you, but I did not listen.
Tonight I answered the phone to a person who wanted to blame me for that person's life not turning the way said person wanted it to turn out. I knew better, but I wanted to hear what this person may have learned in the last ten days that we had not talked. I wanted to know why this person needed me in said person's life. I wanted to know why I was the one learning everything from this person when that person had learned nothing from me. I wanted to hear that I was important enough to be in that person's life and not just to fill a void.
The call ended with yelling. Yes, mostly from me. After being pushed around for many years and being a people pleaser I have been encouraged to be a friend to myself first. This means that you will have to break down my walls and accept that my friends hold a deep place in my heart. I will not allow you to change that, but if you would like to be apart of that you let me know. If I had been 'worth it' you would have stayed or followed through on your word to check on me. Never once did you. Again, I am not your backup plan. I am a person of worth and worth every individual piece that I am.
To everyone out there, I would like to thank you for reading. I do talk to people indirectly through this and as for this person, well I know this person will never see this nor would the person understand. Fighting hurts everyone involved. Unfortunately I have some bad news, some fights do not end in a solution, a comopromise, or even end period. If all a person wants is closure so that person feels better than I wish you luck because it is that specific reason you do not deserve the closure.
I am a person who likes closure as well, but I understand now that not everything has an ending or an ending that we want. In the story of life "the end" and "happily ever after" do not exist the same as they do in the fairytales we read or imagine. This does not mean we do not, however, deserve them.
To this 'said person,' I wish that things were different. I would have left in minutes because I am not going to sit around while you allow another person to cripple you. I do not care how much history you both share, one person should not control another. From here I am letting you chose what you think you deserve and if settling for that type of control is what you need then so be it. I remember you saying that I would not have done anything for you like I would have for my other friends. That is not true. I am, however, not going to allow someone to control my life and my choices through you. You probably do not see it that way either, do you? Didn't think so. Maybe as closure I should just ask you to move on. Nobody's feelings need to be played with anymore. You are happy with the person who has control over you. Why would you need me?
P.S. Interesting how one person can inspire so many words, huh?
Let me share something with my fellow readers and friends, if a person minds you checking up on said person, then obviously there is something being hidden. I try to understand how a person can live two different lives: work friend and the ex factor. Life is a cycle and until you realize that my friend you are in for a big surprise. I was warned you like to make people have feelings for you, but I did not listen.
Tonight I answered the phone to a person who wanted to blame me for that person's life not turning the way said person wanted it to turn out. I knew better, but I wanted to hear what this person may have learned in the last ten days that we had not talked. I wanted to know why this person needed me in said person's life. I wanted to know why I was the one learning everything from this person when that person had learned nothing from me. I wanted to hear that I was important enough to be in that person's life and not just to fill a void.
The call ended with yelling. Yes, mostly from me. After being pushed around for many years and being a people pleaser I have been encouraged to be a friend to myself first. This means that you will have to break down my walls and accept that my friends hold a deep place in my heart. I will not allow you to change that, but if you would like to be apart of that you let me know. If I had been 'worth it' you would have stayed or followed through on your word to check on me. Never once did you. Again, I am not your backup plan. I am a person of worth and worth every individual piece that I am.
To everyone out there, I would like to thank you for reading. I do talk to people indirectly through this and as for this person, well I know this person will never see this nor would the person understand. Fighting hurts everyone involved. Unfortunately I have some bad news, some fights do not end in a solution, a comopromise, or even end period. If all a person wants is closure so that person feels better than I wish you luck because it is that specific reason you do not deserve the closure.
I am a person who likes closure as well, but I understand now that not everything has an ending or an ending that we want. In the story of life "the end" and "happily ever after" do not exist the same as they do in the fairytales we read or imagine. This does not mean we do not, however, deserve them.
To this 'said person,' I wish that things were different. I would have left in minutes because I am not going to sit around while you allow another person to cripple you. I do not care how much history you both share, one person should not control another. From here I am letting you chose what you think you deserve and if settling for that type of control is what you need then so be it. I remember you saying that I would not have done anything for you like I would have for my other friends. That is not true. I am, however, not going to allow someone to control my life and my choices through you. You probably do not see it that way either, do you? Didn't think so. Maybe as closure I should just ask you to move on. Nobody's feelings need to be played with anymore. You are happy with the person who has control over you. Why would you need me?
P.S. Interesting how one person can inspire so many words, huh?
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
One last word.....for friendship
Many of you who read this actually know me. You are either friends of mine or dear family members. Unfortunately, some events happen in our lives where people become, what someone told me, as situational friends. I am not a "situational" type friend. I make friends for keeps and make sure they know that I care about them. I am afraid to say that someone else had a different plan in mind.
I am going to start out by saying I feel bad about this situation. There was so much misunderstanding and I am going to clarify my side. I know 'you' will not read this, why? You stopped reading it a long time ago, when you changed.
When a person loses who that person is as a result of someone else I feel sorry for that person. I have been there...twice now. I was there with my ex. I had to be prettier because I was already smarter, but I had to be dumber so he did not feel emasculated to have me at his side. What does this have to do with the friend? I was the 'dumb' one. If I said something it somehow became wrong and this other person knew more on the topic, thus being right. I remember asking why I was worth being friends with if my intelligence did not compare to this other person's intellect. I was told that everyone knows something that someone else does not know and when the time is right the information is exchanged. Okay, so not in those exact words, but I am sure you understand. So I asked the loaded question, "What have you learned from me?" Can you guess the answer? It is not quite as hard as you think. The person actually said nothing, that is right, completely speechless. I had figured out that we were friends so this person could talk and I could listen. I am a good listener, but I like to talk as well.
I also like to listen music, specifically piano if not hip hop. Did you know I play piano and I like to sing, not only in the shower? Was I able to tell this person that? No. That person did not want to know anything about those interests. You realize that is where part of my heart and soul lie. Those two things are what I grew up with, lived with, cried with, coped with, etc. For someone to come along and criticize them is like taking a part of me away (not to mention the crass remarks of how masculine I am, how I must be a lesbian, or informing me of how I just was not good enough). When was I going to ever be enough just by being me? It is amazing how many people cannot answer simple questions like the ones I have asked here.
There was an issue of a lie that broke us apart, which of course in most cases is followed by a 'I did not lie' rebuttal. Then answer me this....when you said you would run after me and not let me go, where are you? When you said you would check on me later to see if I was alright, where are you? I'm still waiting, but you have yet to talk to me. Is that not a lie also?
No matter what happens, I did learn some lessons here. I also get to rehash the good times that were had by the both of us with only one regret......The Ward.
I am going to start out by saying I feel bad about this situation. There was so much misunderstanding and I am going to clarify my side. I know 'you' will not read this, why? You stopped reading it a long time ago, when you changed.
When a person loses who that person is as a result of someone else I feel sorry for that person. I have been there...twice now. I was there with my ex. I had to be prettier because I was already smarter, but I had to be dumber so he did not feel emasculated to have me at his side. What does this have to do with the friend? I was the 'dumb' one. If I said something it somehow became wrong and this other person knew more on the topic, thus being right. I remember asking why I was worth being friends with if my intelligence did not compare to this other person's intellect. I was told that everyone knows something that someone else does not know and when the time is right the information is exchanged. Okay, so not in those exact words, but I am sure you understand. So I asked the loaded question, "What have you learned from me?" Can you guess the answer? It is not quite as hard as you think. The person actually said nothing, that is right, completely speechless. I had figured out that we were friends so this person could talk and I could listen. I am a good listener, but I like to talk as well.
I also like to listen music, specifically piano if not hip hop. Did you know I play piano and I like to sing, not only in the shower? Was I able to tell this person that? No. That person did not want to know anything about those interests. You realize that is where part of my heart and soul lie. Those two things are what I grew up with, lived with, cried with, coped with, etc. For someone to come along and criticize them is like taking a part of me away (not to mention the crass remarks of how masculine I am, how I must be a lesbian, or informing me of how I just was not good enough). When was I going to ever be enough just by being me? It is amazing how many people cannot answer simple questions like the ones I have asked here.
There was an issue of a lie that broke us apart, which of course in most cases is followed by a 'I did not lie' rebuttal. Then answer me this....when you said you would run after me and not let me go, where are you? When you said you would check on me later to see if I was alright, where are you? I'm still waiting, but you have yet to talk to me. Is that not a lie also?
No matter what happens, I did learn some lessons here. I also get to rehash the good times that were had by the both of us with only one regret......The Ward.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)