What you are missing.

I went on a small trip this weekend and during my time away I figured out where I am truly missed.  This past summer, specifically more this past week, I have had to let go of people close to me.  This does not mean I had to remove them.  It just means that after years of living our own lives I got to be with these people and it was physically hard to let them go.  These are the people who make me a strong person.  They are talented hard working individuals.  

The thing that makes these people special is the fact that we have spent years apart and nothing has changed where as some people I see or talk to nearly everyday would never notice if I disappeared.  It is times like these you truly see the people who are your friend.

In July I came home crying from going home.  I miss these people with all my heart, they are the true essence of who I am.  This week I saw two other people of the same essence.  It is comforting to share such a bond with someone.  

So, while I watch others drift away, I paddle my boat in the direction it is suppose to go knowing that I cannot look back.  Growing up is hard, realizing that some people need to be let go is even harder.  

I turn my head and keep paddling tonight because as I look up I know who will be there and who will not.  It is the people who have such a strong effect on you that will be at the end, the others are just random fruitless fish in the sea.

Invisible Magic

I came across something and just wanted to share whether any of you care or not.  

You may think I am a little weird, but I like to do things I used to do when I was a kid because these things made me happy.  It was during this time that I had the happiest memories, so of course doing these same things brings back the same happy feeling and leaving me inspired.  

Let me ask this first, how many of you remember sitcoms like The Wonder Years, Full House, Step by Step, or even just the TGIF series period?  One show my mom and I used to watch was Growing Pains.  By the time the series hit season six the theme song became a cappella and if you know my family you would know that my mother and I love tight harmony even though I favor a minor cord.

So go ahead and laugh, but I have been watching every season lately.  I came across the one titled Carol's Carnival.  Please go ahead and laugh again because I have now watched this specific episode three times. (Ok, even I laughed at this one).  I like carnivals, fairs, amusement parks, etc.  I love the magic within these places.  Do me a favor if you do not believe there is magic there, sit on a bench and watch.  I want you to watch the parents, the employees, and more specifically watch the children.  Look at their eyes as they sparkle.  Listen to the laughter that comes barreling out because nothing is holding it back.  Observe the childish innocence, that we as adults, may have lost due to obligation and responsibility of the real world.  I want you for once to sit back and pretend to be a kid again, but do it without caring what the other adults around you will think.

I watched Carol's Carnival and observing the scene with the magic mirrors.  You all know the kind; one mirror makes you look tall like a giant, another as small as a midget with a big butt, fat as pig, and even as skinny as an unlikely model.  Not only did I connect with this moment, but I held on to it until the end of the show.  Carol and Jake stand in front of a fat mirror where Carol informs him that she used to be that and this is how she sees herself.  Then in front of the skinny mirror she wishes she was what she saw even though Jake tried to convince her otherwise.  

By the end of the show, the audience realizes that Jake had alternate intentions for Carol that night even though he was able to realize there was more to her.  Carol on the other hand was instructed to declare she was beautiful even after a student from Yale turned her down and Jack sent her home. Carol apologized to Jake before leaving basically for being herself.  This was when Jake made her realize that she was beautiful by no one else's standards but her own.

I am sure we have all been there in the land of insecurities and to a degree I do not believe we ever leave.  If there is one thing this episode has strengthened it is the fact that, for me, I do not care what anyone thinks.  I will not be brought down by drama if only to please another person and make that person feel better and I will not be ashamed for doing all the same childish twerks now that I used to do as a kid.  I am VERY proud to be young at heart, to hope Santa exists, and pray Peter Pan takes me to Neverland because somewhere in there lies a little bit of magic and who better to spread it......than me. :)

The Reason We Have Fiction

It is alive! That is right, fiction is alive.  Have any of you wondered about why we have fiction books?  I think I have figured it out actually.  No one wants to live in reality.  Reality is hard, reality has obligations, and reality requires us to be responsible.  Then there is fiction.

Fiction is that point between reality and dreams; the place we fantasize about in hopes it comes true.  It is the obtainable that we are able to brush our finger tips across, but not be able to fully grasp.  In fiction we do what our physical bodies will not allow us to do, we take a risk we would normally not try, and we are able to live the truth where the world around us would rather have a lie.

Yes, I am a freak for fiction for all the obvious reasons above, but the truth is something that I wish was more accepted.  I try to understand how a person can truly live without truth in that person's life.  It makes me curious how many people would rather hear me tell them a fudged up story than a true outcome.  I guess I somewhat understand because I would rather live the adventure instead of the obligations of reality.

So where does that leave us?  In the books.  At least we know why there is a business in fiction.  :)

P.S I have my first test dummy idea for a book and teammate to help kick my bum to finish and potentially publish it.  I have never been more excited in my life.

I couldn't say it better......"As the World Turns"

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to thank all of you for reading my blog.  I know this started out as something objective, but what is more objective than an actual life itself.  I have shared many....MANY things with you.  Some I am weak maybe strong, mouthy or opinionated, or maybe just plain too personal all together.

Well folks, that is life.  You are going to run into many people in your life.  Some stay while others go and some you try to hold onto praying they will not forget you because you still have yet to forget them. 

My goal this year was to have 2012 be for me and so far I think this is the only New Year's resolution that I have actually kept.  There was a time I knew what was right for me and now I am learning to trust even myself again as well as others.  I am trying new things while facing my fears in others and then moving on when I used to sit and wait.

Point is not always what I learn, what I am doing, or that I redecorated (as if ya hadn't notice?), but to plant that little seed in your head and make you think ...at least a little.  Hopefully from me you relive a memory or try something new enough to just smile a little and laugh it off.  If it is one thing I would like you to take from this is that life is too short to be so damn serious.  If you are not laughing and enjoying yourself, you are wasting a life that some would die for. haha...I know morbid, but true.

I hope you have all enjoyed my writing and hopefully swore at me a couple times. :-) I'm sorry if any of you feel offended, but I am not sorry I wrote it or said it.....EVER.  So I would like to personally invite you to my new look as well as maybe a few other new things I started in life and continue to enjoy.

Next stop.......short story competition???? Wish me luck.

P.S.  Does anyone know what a "bug" exercise is?  Just had to put that randomness out there.
 ;-)

It's all ......FAIR.

It is fair time in town this week and I had to go.  I left work early today feeling I needed to get out of a box and be set free.  One way of doing this is going somewhere in a big crowd to blend in. 

There wasn't too much problem walking around being unnoticed, but it was interesting to watch the rest of the crowd.  Parents were either watching their kids or yelling at them to behave while playing games or going on the rides.  Teenagers were on the prowl for the opposite sex or with their significant others in stereotypical "honeymoon" stage walking around.  Younger kids were screaming and wailing either for a good time on the rides or because they wanted mommy and daddy to get them something.

So, I watched.......
I watched a boy run after his white dog that had just snuck the leach out of the boys hand.
I watched a young boy boldly go up to another, introducing himself again after the two had met at another event.
I listened to two girls gossip about their crushes while eating a Greek pita.
I watched the fairgrounds fill up with people ready for a night out with the people important to them.

It has always been these types of small things that make me love fair time.  I remember when I was younger going to the fair, being yelled at that we could only WALK through because we did not have money, watching people cook, take care of animals, etc.  Then there is the food.  How can you not love fat greasy fair food?  I made the exception tonight to eat the unhealthy stuff thinking that this only happens once a year like Christmas or Thanksgiving so I should enjoy it while I can.  I did, too!

Today I went to the fair by myself because I wanted to and I did not need anyone there with me to enjoy something that I consider fun.  Not that I do not want to share experiences like this with someone, but I proved to myself that I can do this on my own and still share it with other.
:-)

A Walk With Rain...

Some of you might read this and think A) this girl is weird, B) this girl is insane, or C) why?

It was 2:30 am on a Sunday morning.  The rain was calling my name as it fell from the sky.  I tried just observing it from the window, but it was all too tempting.  What can I say?  I HAD to go for a walk.  This has always been something special to me and to be honest only a special person would understand. 

So I changed into decent clothes and walked out the door not looking back.  At first I felt stupid because this is not what a "normal" person would do.  Then I went for it.  After the initial shock of the cold water I got used it.  I began to walk down the street not exactly knowing where I was going to stop.  One block down I turned around and the voices in my head told me to keep going.  Two blocks down, keep going.  Three blocks down, could I get sick from being this soak and wet?

I tuned out everything around me except the sound of the rain falling, flowing down the street, down the sewer, and down the street.  The sound of nothing but the rain was so therapeutic it left me thinking back to some vacations of mine.

First dated me back to my sophomore band trip to Niagara Falls.  For some reason water just clears my mind as if I were being cleansed in a bath.

I continued to walk with my bare feet soaking in the puddles and the rain now creeping up my pant leg to my knees. I remembered a summer vacation when my sister and I  were imagining we were homeless.  We were at a rest stop so my father could sleep a little bit before we continued on our way to our desination.  My sister and I grabbed some blankets and curled up outside the car on the sidewalk.  Next thing we know a cop is stopping by to see if we got left behind. (lol.) As I was walking I had to chuckle a little realizing this was a true moment of our imaginations.

Eventually I end my walk down the middle of the street not worrying about any cars because there are none.  I pray sometime, someday, that someone will understand. To me, this walk was heaven because for a brief moment I left reality.

Old School?? or Just Growing up.

I read an article this week on how young adults in their 20s are not growing up, meaning they are still set in the "life is like high school" mindset.  I did not take much thought to the article until I looked at a couple young 20 year olds in my life.  Let's review shall we.

When I was younger and living on a farm there was no question of work. Work was required and a necessity to live.  Now I see at least two examples where it is accepted that you live off the government or off someone else and use the funds available to drink, smoke, etc.  It is almost as if paying bills is a non existent thought.  So the simple necessities like food, shelter, transporation are not important.  What about kids?  Do they come second as well?

I was talking with a friend about the concept of work and she expressed concern to the shocked face from a coworker at the explanation of "overtime."  To those who do not know this means you work extra hours (more than the regular 40 per week) and get paid for them, sometimes you get paid extra.  Some young adults think this allows for a flexible schedule for the rest of the week.  For example, if I work 10 hours one day I can work 6 the next. NOPE!!! Sorry, wrong!! Nice try!  Life does not work this way and good luck changing it.

Besides work whatever happened to teaching responsibility, a spanking, or dare I say common sense?  I once received an email that common sense is dead.  I must say I have to agree with this statement. Below I will post the email.  Read it and sit back to think.  I do not know the author even though this person had some real insight to people. 

Responsibility.  Life is made up of "maybe" so no one does any wrong.  I guess my view is a person, yes me too, should be mature enough to handle the truth and own up when that person has done wrong.  How is a person going to be able to change or improve if a person is considered always right and never wrong or is not told of the wrong?  Makes for a boring life if you know all the answers.  What is there left to explore then?

As for spanking, this topic was inspired by a discussion with two friends of mine.  One lift of the hand and a child cryies wolf.  Should a situation have gotten to that point where a child cries wolf?  I believe in a good spanking, one that teaches, but is not overdone.  A good swap or two was always enough of a lesson to me.  This may be an old school thinking, but it taught a lot.

So what happens when the irresponsible young generation grows up to the next decade?  I could give a few examples at least financially speaking.  I am not saying all early 20 year olds are irresponsible, but there are quite a few and for their sake.....I hope they eventually remove the blinding goggles and grow up.


As promised......

COMMON SENSE IS DEAD!!!!!

OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was as his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticking plaster to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility and his son Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

To b*@&%, or to be a b#*@&....that is the question.

I would like to forewarn anyone who reads this for it will contain very explicit and blunt language.


Tonight I went to the gym deciding I needed to add training sessions to my life as if I did not have much time to myself in the first place after work and school.  It turns out that I am physically worse off than what I thought I was, according to my standards.  So this week not only am I not what I thought I was, but I am also not what someone else thinks I am.

Let me explain.

In an relationship there is a give and take, a want and a necessity.  Well, when you have nothing to give and you do not want to lose the nothingness you have you might as well sit on your @zz.  I decided to let go of a person who was toxic to my life.  If any of you understand pollution, it spreads after a short time of leaving its mark.  I wanted this time to be different though.  Instead of repeating a past mistake of playing yo-yo with a person (letting them go, taking them back, letting them go, taking them back, letting.....get my drift???) I was going to have the will power to just drop this person cold turkey.

I am disappointed to report that this person wanted to be a part of my life to which I have yet to figure out.  You see when a person shoves in your face that this person is always right, cannot not apologize, and blames the REST OF SOCIETY for not understanding said person...then we have a problem.  After all that why would you need such an imperfect person like me in your life?  Obviously you have stated that I am the one who is wrong, I should apologize for anything that goes wrong, oh and then I should apologize for society not understanding that you are not intelligent enough to clarify what you want everyone else to understand.  

Let me make this simple for those of you reading this.  THAT......is not a relationship.  THAT ....is an abusive relationship where one party uses another party.  How do I know this?  I HAVE BEEN IN MORE THAN ONE DAMN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!  

So what happened?  I was curious what this person had to say to me since the whole situation could not be left alone.  The conversation ended with me turning down dinner with this person and then being verbally abused.  Now not all of you know me personally, but hopefully enough to know that what I tell you next may shock you.  This person said I was a cold-hearted bitch.  Then I got a lecture on the difference of thinking with your emotions (heart) as opposed to your mind.   Let's just said after the verbal garbage I locked up any feelings towards this person.  At that point I did not want to be friends or anything more than friends.  I did not want to be in the same area as this person. So I will admit that I became the cold-hearted bitch that I was called only to find out this person wanted me, the one with the heart.  I have a heart.....that is now locked in a damn box  before I feed it to my carnivore pets that thirst wimp blood. 

Okay, so I get a bit dramatic, but the meaning is still there.  I told my friend at work who is 70 years old that I was said to be a cold-hearted bitch.  She stepped back, looked at me funny, and said, "Girl, that person does not know you very well."  She is right.  A person has feelings.  A robot has no emotion.  So I started out my week observing this person, praying my will power was strong enough. Nope!  (I so fail at my own tasks) :(

I noticed eyes that were a bit blood shot and black from lack of sleep, clothes that were a bit frumpy, and a person who could once stand straight a bit hunched over.  I sent an email asking if that person was okay.  Would a cold-hearted bitch do this?  The person had not been feeling well and maybe the polite thing to say would be, "thanks for asking."  I said I cared, but I did not want to have feelings toward this person, why?  This person had already hurt me and accused me of thoughts this person ASSUMED I had.  The response I got back motivated me to do some changes in my  life.

My devotion to school set in, priority to workout at the gym in hopes the couple friends that used to call me "beautiful" would do so again, and I decided that I need to have will power and force myself not to care about this person anymore.  That is a lot to handle, but let me tell you why......

.....If you ever tell me I am a mean selfish cold-hearted bitch again I will have to uncontrolably punch you 1) for your stupidity and 2) because that is a horrible thing to say to anyone especially if you want that person to be your friend.  It is this energy that I must throw into school, work, and workout because the only time I have ever felt this much anger physically toward anyone was when I was when I was being physically abused in another bad relationship I once had.  You see, I told you I had experience....I just know how to be an adult and move on.