A Brush of Danger

Post of choice for today was a topic that I did not select on purpose, but one reflecting OCD in which this topic was chosen by someone else and I must follow in order.

I honestly do not remember my first brush of danger, however that does not mean that I have not had a brush of danger.  I remember when I was younger ....than I am now that is, and like any other teen I had to go through the stage of being completely and utterly careless.  I remember when my mom bought me my first car and for the record..I did not ask for it nor do I believe parents should do that unless it is a junker since the kids at that age have no sense of responsibility yet.  Anyway, the car was not completely new, but new for me for about five grand.  At the time I was in college determined to get a degree until I was told by a professor that I would not amount to anything in the area I was studying.  I am going to be nice and say "Thank you @zzhole."  What can I say?  I am not mean, but I'm not nice either...just a bit blunt in this situation.

So the professor killed my passion and when I say passion I am referring to the feeling of not loving anything else except that one thing or that one person.  Well, let me just tell you that when that feeling is gone it is replaced with a feeling of loss as if you do not recognize the person in the mirror looking back at you.  I decide that I am here in school to get a degree and a degree I shall earn even if it is in an area of study that may not completely appeal to me, but will be beneficial for my future. Sadly, that did not last long and I left college.  You know that feeling of being lost? Yeah, replaced with failure until my mom gave me an article that discussed how not everyone is made for college.

To be a bit more specific it was an article on how not everyone need the complete four year college experience which is why I soon turned to cosmetology.  I think it was the one thing major in my life that I both started and completed.  However, during this time was when I became reckless.  I was not hanging out with what would be considered the right crowd, my driving record had become a mess not to mention how many deer hit my car, but I was actually lost.

Well, I started this entry thinking that my brush of danger was with the deer, which by the way the car took on five deer before it decided it had enough to which I think a deer hunting license would have been cheaper, but I realize now that the danger was walking the fine line of potentially not finding my path in life.  The funny part is that this potential danger dangles itself in front of you every so often as the moment cycles through your life as if to test you and see what your worth has grown to be in comparison to the last test.  Back then I think I survived...just barely, but now I am being tested again.  There has been a lot of growing up since my deer magnet of a car, but maybe since I was stupid then I do not need to be now. Chaos may follow me at times in my life which keeps life interesting.  I cannot say there will not be trouble, but at the moment I will say that I can take on whatever is around the corner.

  

What now?: Time after comfortable things change.

In the past week I have been asking myself this question trying to figure out what I want to do with my life or probably more what do I want to do when I grow up. Lol  I am currently in a transitional stage in my life which I think I brought on myself with unconscious wishful thinking even though the situation did not allow for me to accomplish what I truly wanted which reminds me of the movie 'Under the Tuscan Sun.'  In reference to the movie the main character is divorced from her husband and she is looking to find a way to move on with her life.  She takes a trip to Italy and finds herself purchasing property in Tuscany.  While the main character is trying to reorganize her life she reveals that her dreams are to have a family and a wedding in her home.  By the end of the movie the main character is a bit disappointed because she does not have a family nor has she been married in her home, yet there is a family in her home including her friend and the friend's baby and the neighbor kids are married in her home.  So she actually did get her wish just not in the form she dreamed it to be.

So as my journey starts on this new road ahead I am reminded by true friends that this is a blessing in disguise even though the fates have not revealed to me the reason or purpose, so I continue to ask 'What now?".  Things are changing along with my views on anything in life and on people in my life.  During transitions like this you are able to see who is going to stay and who is going to go.  You understand why some were in your life and others were not, but then there are those that you wonder why the time was invested.  I try to understand or at least make sense of things even though my mind is a bit scattered all over the place these days trying to keep track of things I never thought I would need to consider.

Eventually we need to leave things behind which I understand, but there are things that I do not or am not ready to let go of because of the impact that has been made upon me.  I would like to think that certain situations would remain until that one moment where you are shown how you are dispensable.  Sometimes those moment come when words or phrases disappear like "I love you."  Powerful words, but in every type of relationship I have from my family to friends to significant others I have learned the power of these three words.  They can make you laugh or even cry, but no matter they contain strong feelings or emotions that change two lives: the person saying the words and the person that the words are being said.  One of my pet peeves is when someone says them and does not mean them.  Another enemy is when a person says them and then takes them away.  You start to wonder if that person actually meant what was said because of how much it meant to you.  The hard part is when words like those or phrases of being in love with someone are never even whispered again as if they never existed.  I do not know about others, but over time I eventually pretend that I never heard the words or phrases so it all just becomes a dream anyway not to mention it hurts less and less confusion determining if they ever existed anyway, not to mention I have learned that if a person cares enough that person will vocalize it and not hold back.

You could say that my comfortable little world has now been changed then and it is shaking me up.  I miss certain things in my life that were taken away, I miss dreams that I now have to face may never come true, and at this moment I miss having direction or some sort of plan as I now just have to 'play it by ear.'  Just following the wind leaves uncertainties that I cannot control which is scary.  Sometimes it is nice to just have some sort of normalcy that glues me to my path so I do not get distracted and fall off course or just a reminder that even though things have changed other things have not.  Either way I am focused on what is served to me taking each changing moment and filing it away.  I guess if we have to leave things behind we were never meant to keep them not matter if they were one of the most important things to us.  Now the problem is learning how to deal with that.....

Why ONE answer?

Why are we always trying to find an answer to questions that may not completely exist?  I know the question sounds weird even though it is true.  I started to ask myself this today as I read my text for my class concerning genders in society.  It troubles me in that society feels obligated to have an ultimate reason for why things are the way they exist here and now.  For instance, one person is attracted to another person for one specific reason. I disagree.  Face it people, humanity contains too many variables.  A common denominator may be found, but then you need to consider the loop holes and the exceptions to every rule which would ultimately re-categorize everything that has been place in group or another.  I refer to this as my “everything causes cancer” theory and no that is not meant to insult anyone nor is it meant to completely be taken lightly.

            A few years ago I remember watching the news where the reporter was delivering a message that butter was not healthy for you and would cause cancer.  Not long after that, the same reporter said margarine causes cancer so it was better to use butter.  Is this not confusing?  So which does a person use? Butter or margarine? I guess the best option is to use neither, but if you had to pick one which would it be? Neither is good and then neither is bad, yet both cause cancer.  Guess what? So do a lot of other things in life if used excessively and not responsibly, but why is it we have to label just one thing as a root cause?

           

            Why should my scenario or the things that affect me be the same scenario and things that affect another person? We did not come from the same background.  We did not have the same exact experience (unless that person was in head in which case I feel obligated to say…I’m sorry :P), but nothing is ever the same. Why does society  feel the need to control the ending response on everything?  I understand medical research to finding the same solution for different people with illness, but  why can we not just accept some things are never going to have one resolution no matter how hard we try and no matter how much money we throw at the research for it. Fair warning….do you really want to know every detailed interworking of what makes me who I am today, at this one very moment knowing very well that things will change in the next hour, minute, second, etc.?  Go ahead and study all you want because by the time you have an answer we will have to go through the research again because your answer ultimately just changed from my experience with you.

            As for this entry……

Maybe I tolerate too much of people thinking they know everything and I am jealous or maybe I wish people would just stop over analyzing things to stop and smell the roses.  It could be financially related to the idea that people spend way too much money on research that is nonsense when it could be used towards something more productive.  Maybe, just maybe, I would like to know that someone out there agrees with the idea that maybe there is no one answer to any problem as we all take a different path that may intertwine with others whom we get to travel with on the same path for a while until we branch off again in another direction. 

            With the idea of video games in mind….stay safe along your path.  Make sure to gather what you need and jump over your obstacles to get to the end because keep in mind that you did not get there the same way someone else did.