Many of you who read this actually know me. You are either friends of mine or dear family members. Unfortunately, some events happen in our lives where people become, what someone told me, as situational friends. I am not a "situational" type friend. I make friends for keeps and make sure they know that I care about them. I am afraid to say that someone else had a different plan in mind.
I am going to start out by saying I feel bad about this situation. There was so much misunderstanding and I am going to clarify my side. I know 'you' will not read this, why? You stopped reading it a long time ago, when you changed.
When a person loses who that person is as a result of someone else I feel sorry for that person. I have been there...twice now. I was there with my ex. I had to be prettier because I was already smarter, but I had to be dumber so he did not feel emasculated to have me at his side. What does this have to do with the friend? I was the 'dumb' one. If I said something it somehow became wrong and this other person knew more on the topic, thus being right. I remember asking why I was worth being friends with if my intelligence did not compare to this other person's intellect. I was told that everyone knows something that someone else does not know and when the time is right the information is exchanged. Okay, so not in those exact words, but I am sure you understand. So I asked the loaded question, "What have you learned from me?" Can you guess the answer? It is not quite as hard as you think. The person actually said nothing, that is right, completely speechless. I had figured out that we were friends so this person could talk and I could listen. I am a good listener, but I like to talk as well.
I also like to listen music, specifically piano if not hip hop. Did you know I play piano and I like to sing, not only in the shower? Was I able to tell this person that? No. That person did not want to know anything about those interests. You realize that is where part of my heart and soul lie. Those two things are what I grew up with, lived with, cried with, coped with, etc. For someone to come along and criticize them is like taking a part of me away (not to mention the crass remarks of how masculine I am, how I must be a lesbian, or informing me of how I just was not good enough). When was I going to ever be enough just by being me? It is amazing how many people cannot answer simple questions like the ones I have asked here.
There was an issue of a lie that broke us apart, which of course in most cases is followed by a 'I did not lie' rebuttal. Then answer me this....when you said you would run after me and not let me go, where are you? When you said you would check on me later to see if I was alright, where are you? I'm still waiting, but you have yet to talk to me. Is that not a lie also?
No matter what happens, I did learn some lessons here. I also get to rehash the good times that were had by the both of us with only one regret......The Ward.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Guess You Do Not Know Me
What did you see in me and did you really look hard enough?
Did you see where my heart stood or if it even existed?
Well, it died last night.
I got sick of breaking through your walls when you did not care about mine.
I got fed up with pleasing you because I was never good enough.
It is your turn now, but I know you enough that you will not try.
Sometimes a person has to accept the end.
Do you know what I love?
Do you know who I love?
In my head the chords hit tight and close together meshing as one.
An unspoken compliment
the perfect relationship.
The notes understand each other making the other one stand out.
With each note a finger flies across the keyboard in control of a destiny that has no significance.
Listen to your heart for once.
Let it guide you away from your mind.
Let the beats translate what you are feeling as the beat flows out of you.
When there is no heart, there is no feeling, there is no music, no explanation, just a dead heartless body.
Ever met one of those people who expected you to be in their lives for just what that person needs. I found a relationship that worked because that other person talked and I listened. That is not a friendship. Maybe if this person had actually took the time to know me there could have been something more for me to work towards, but in the mean time I feel it is the other person's duty to work and keep me in this person's life for a change. It is the only way to find out if you are worth it to a person.
inspiration: "Don't lose yourself trying to hold onto someone who doesn't care about losing you."
Did you see where my heart stood or if it even existed?
Well, it died last night.
I got sick of breaking through your walls when you did not care about mine.
I got fed up with pleasing you because I was never good enough.
It is your turn now, but I know you enough that you will not try.
Sometimes a person has to accept the end.
Do you know what I love?
Do you know who I love?
In my head the chords hit tight and close together meshing as one.
An unspoken compliment
the perfect relationship.
The notes understand each other making the other one stand out.
With each note a finger flies across the keyboard in control of a destiny that has no significance.
Listen to your heart for once.
Let it guide you away from your mind.
Let the beats translate what you are feeling as the beat flows out of you.
When there is no heart, there is no feeling, there is no music, no explanation, just a dead heartless body.
Ever met one of those people who expected you to be in their lives for just what that person needs. I found a relationship that worked because that other person talked and I listened. That is not a friendship. Maybe if this person had actually took the time to know me there could have been something more for me to work towards, but in the mean time I feel it is the other person's duty to work and keep me in this person's life for a change. It is the only way to find out if you are worth it to a person.
inspiration: "Don't lose yourself trying to hold onto someone who doesn't care about losing you."
Friday, June 22, 2012
Lesson in LIES
Today class we are going to learn about lies. What is a lie? What is the point of a lie? How does a lie affect you? How does this change relationship including friendships?
Yes, Tommy.
A lie is something that is not true.
Very good, Tommy. Now why would a person lie?
I lie to my parents when I have done something wrong. I broke a vase once and I knew my mom would be mad because it was her favorite from grandma because grandma got it when she and grandpa lived long time ago and my grandpa was really ill ....
Ok, thank you Tommy. I appreciate your help. Anyone else have something they would like to say? How does a lie affect you?....Yes, Tommy?
When I lied my daddy whupped my butt. He told me I was....
Thank you, Tommy. Does a lie change a relationship? <sighs> Yes, Tommy?
Daddy lost Mommy when he lied about playing with the secretary. Mommy got reals mad and walked out the door and....
What did you learn from that, Tommy?
Lies are bad, teacher.
Very good.
Welcome to a very important lesson. To most this means nothing, but to me it means quality. I hate lies. I do not dislike them nor do I dislike them strongly, I literally HATE them. Let me give you a cute little scenario that you might be able to relate to my reasoning. Picture three years of nothing but lies from employment, to relationships, to vehicles, to people you know, and enough lies that could potentially end you up in prison. I once knew a (*#&%^ %$##%^&**^^ ) who acted as a firefighter. He would look at his phone pretending to get a text for a 'call' that he was needed. He would then be gone for hours. You may be asking right now 'if he was lying then where was he?" He had a mistress. He cheated. He would leave in the morning saying he was going to work. Just imagine to my surprise when you call his 'employment' looking for him there is no such person working there. So where did random money come from?
Does everyone understand yet? A lie is fake no matter the reason of the use. It breaks things apart and is hard to repair. After so long how do you trust again? I feel lost at the moment. A friend lied to me about impregnating a girl and not just any girl, a girl I dislike this girl because of her morals and what she did to my friend. I do not tolerate people hurting my friends either. I would hope my friends would value me enough to feel the same way. You all know who are.
I guess if a person wants to be subected to pain then I should let that person go. I did not stop the person, but I did express my concern. I cannot control anything from here. Hopefully in time I will figure out which way to go beyond the fork.....
Yes, Tommy.
A lie is something that is not true.
Very good, Tommy. Now why would a person lie?
I lie to my parents when I have done something wrong. I broke a vase once and I knew my mom would be mad because it was her favorite from grandma because grandma got it when she and grandpa lived long time ago and my grandpa was really ill ....
Ok, thank you Tommy. I appreciate your help. Anyone else have something they would like to say? How does a lie affect you?....Yes, Tommy?
When I lied my daddy whupped my butt. He told me I was....
Thank you, Tommy. Does a lie change a relationship? <sighs> Yes, Tommy?
Daddy lost Mommy when he lied about playing with the secretary. Mommy got reals mad and walked out the door and....
What did you learn from that, Tommy?
Lies are bad, teacher.
Very good.
Welcome to a very important lesson. To most this means nothing, but to me it means quality. I hate lies. I do not dislike them nor do I dislike them strongly, I literally HATE them. Let me give you a cute little scenario that you might be able to relate to my reasoning. Picture three years of nothing but lies from employment, to relationships, to vehicles, to people you know, and enough lies that could potentially end you up in prison. I once knew a (*#&%^ %$##%^&**^^ ) who acted as a firefighter. He would look at his phone pretending to get a text for a 'call' that he was needed. He would then be gone for hours. You may be asking right now 'if he was lying then where was he?" He had a mistress. He cheated. He would leave in the morning saying he was going to work. Just imagine to my surprise when you call his 'employment' looking for him there is no such person working there. So where did random money come from?
Does everyone understand yet? A lie is fake no matter the reason of the use. It breaks things apart and is hard to repair. After so long how do you trust again? I feel lost at the moment. A friend lied to me about impregnating a girl and not just any girl, a girl I dislike this girl because of her morals and what she did to my friend. I do not tolerate people hurting my friends either. I would hope my friends would value me enough to feel the same way. You all know who are.
I guess if a person wants to be subected to pain then I should let that person go. I did not stop the person, but I did express my concern. I cannot control anything from here. Hopefully in time I will figure out which way to go beyond the fork.....
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Extreme feelings.....fight it, don't feel it
Today I woke up for work late. I was in a trance, hypnotized. The way my body shook felt so real, yet I knew it was a dream that I could not escape. It had been a long time since I had woke up in a sweat like that. I thought the worst of these dreams were over. Maybe feeling extreme anger triggered my fear to arise. Maybe it was instinct telling me to watch myself. I do not know.
I had a nightmare of my ex. For some dumb reason I had taken him back and we were living in my mother's house, but it was not laid out like her house. Instead the floor plan was that of my grandparents house. He got mad at me again. He hit me again. He threw the fit he always had where he looked like he was five years old instead of a twenty something adult. This time I was smart and I kicked him out locking every door more than once over. Of course this angered him more. All of sudden my mother's house needed all kinds of maintenance to it. I watched as my ex surveyed the doors as the maintenance men came and went until I had figured out that he had sent them, all of them. More spying and more lies leading to more fear. This was not your regular fear. It was fear that reminded me of something I learned about people with adrenaline. Sometimes in a person's life there is an emergency and the adrenaline starts to pump giving the heart more blood and without thinking a person has more strength than what that person has ever had before. My fear drives my strength. Even though my heart beats uncontrollably leaving my chest and my head in pain it controls me. By the time the fifth man was about to come in I push him with everything I have out the door. I stare my ex down letting him know that I will not let him control me anymore. I think to myself, "You have nothing on me and you never will. We are done, we are over, we never were because of you, not me. This is done. Get over it because this is the end." I slam the door and lock it up. My sister who from the beginning aged from ten to eighteen sits beside me as I slide to the floor crying. Yes, I am scared, but the extreme emotions leave me in tears. The emotions of fear, hurt, betrayal, jealousy, and pain are still driving my strength to the point that I am twitching to punch anything and everything in my way.
I was finally able to pull myself out of the trance. I was sweating, shaking, and scared, but needed to get to work. I did what I had done before and threw myself into work trying to concentrate on what was in front of me. Let me just tell you that this only works for so long until common sense kicks in with some people and they notice that the essence of who you are is not there at that specific time or place. Three people asked how I was today. I refuse to be anyone's burden anymore. I knew it was a dream, but it felt like one of those where it is warning you. With my ex I had stopped trusting my instinct on things especially people. With the help of my sister I am beginning to trut myself again even when it comes to chosing friends once again. I left work not telling anyone because I wanted to write this down. I wanted to 'spill my guts' out on paper and realize that I am not letting this control me, but that does not mean I cannot have fear. I had wanted to talk to someone about this, but when the time came it did not feel right. Why? Somehow I realized that when I ran to this person there was no feeling or this person was not available. Now what does my instinct say about that? I do not know yet. All I know is that it is telling me back off.
I have a habit of running from people before they get too close. I think I am tredding water on this one. I have learned that only the strong survive so if I pull and that person does nothing then our friendship was not meant to be.
Want to know the kicker of my dream day? Watching my ex's parents on their bikes do a double take to realize yes, it was me in the car three feet from them with a young girl who used to be my niece.
To give my day a closing I had planned on going to bed, but never made it. Sometimes when your mind goes and goes and then runs away before you can catch it you let it fly out the window to see where it takes you. I know that as an adult, specifically a single adult, that life can be lonely. Even though there are friends and family that can be close through all the technology equipment we have it does not feel the same. Again, I do not want to be a burden to anyone. Let me tell you what I learned along time ago that no matter how lonely a person gets holds true: the onlye person you can depend on is yourself because if things do not work out the only person you can blame is yourself since you are the only thing you can control.
So tonight I fight any extreme loneliness until I do not feel anything anymore. This is how one freezes a heart over. Pretend that what I want is for someone to hold me close since I already feel like a disease that people do not like to touch. Do you realize how many weeks I go before someone even brushes against me accidentally? I want to feel a heartbeat, a real one as a body close to mine sends a warm sensation up my spine. I want to feel passion, motivation, encouragement, and strength. A hug? Being held while I sleep? Instead I will get over this feeling with burns on my cheeks a trail where feeling used to lie and no longer exists. I revert to autopilot and continue on because the world does not stop even if I do.
I want time to stop. I want time to freeze. I want to jump off the side of a cliff with only the air suspending my body as I dive through the air. I want the rush of air as the adrenaline gets my heart pumping so hard that my whole body can feel every blood cell moving through it. All I want to hear is the music in my head as I begin to paint the picture that goes with it for everyone to see what I see and how I see it. No more distinction. No more lines.
Ever thought about diving naked?......just free......no rules......no limits.........just being.......
If you have not figured it out by now, I am a very passionate person. Some day I hope someone sees the world I do. Some understand it if you explain it, others do not have a clue. Some days I wish I did not have to be the responsible one. :P
I had a nightmare of my ex. For some dumb reason I had taken him back and we were living in my mother's house, but it was not laid out like her house. Instead the floor plan was that of my grandparents house. He got mad at me again. He hit me again. He threw the fit he always had where he looked like he was five years old instead of a twenty something adult. This time I was smart and I kicked him out locking every door more than once over. Of course this angered him more. All of sudden my mother's house needed all kinds of maintenance to it. I watched as my ex surveyed the doors as the maintenance men came and went until I had figured out that he had sent them, all of them. More spying and more lies leading to more fear. This was not your regular fear. It was fear that reminded me of something I learned about people with adrenaline. Sometimes in a person's life there is an emergency and the adrenaline starts to pump giving the heart more blood and without thinking a person has more strength than what that person has ever had before. My fear drives my strength. Even though my heart beats uncontrollably leaving my chest and my head in pain it controls me. By the time the fifth man was about to come in I push him with everything I have out the door. I stare my ex down letting him know that I will not let him control me anymore. I think to myself, "You have nothing on me and you never will. We are done, we are over, we never were because of you, not me. This is done. Get over it because this is the end." I slam the door and lock it up. My sister who from the beginning aged from ten to eighteen sits beside me as I slide to the floor crying. Yes, I am scared, but the extreme emotions leave me in tears. The emotions of fear, hurt, betrayal, jealousy, and pain are still driving my strength to the point that I am twitching to punch anything and everything in my way.
I was finally able to pull myself out of the trance. I was sweating, shaking, and scared, but needed to get to work. I did what I had done before and threw myself into work trying to concentrate on what was in front of me. Let me just tell you that this only works for so long until common sense kicks in with some people and they notice that the essence of who you are is not there at that specific time or place. Three people asked how I was today. I refuse to be anyone's burden anymore. I knew it was a dream, but it felt like one of those where it is warning you. With my ex I had stopped trusting my instinct on things especially people. With the help of my sister I am beginning to trut myself again even when it comes to chosing friends once again. I left work not telling anyone because I wanted to write this down. I wanted to 'spill my guts' out on paper and realize that I am not letting this control me, but that does not mean I cannot have fear. I had wanted to talk to someone about this, but when the time came it did not feel right. Why? Somehow I realized that when I ran to this person there was no feeling or this person was not available. Now what does my instinct say about that? I do not know yet. All I know is that it is telling me back off.
I have a habit of running from people before they get too close. I think I am tredding water on this one. I have learned that only the strong survive so if I pull and that person does nothing then our friendship was not meant to be.
Want to know the kicker of my dream day? Watching my ex's parents on their bikes do a double take to realize yes, it was me in the car three feet from them with a young girl who used to be my niece.
To give my day a closing I had planned on going to bed, but never made it. Sometimes when your mind goes and goes and then runs away before you can catch it you let it fly out the window to see where it takes you. I know that as an adult, specifically a single adult, that life can be lonely. Even though there are friends and family that can be close through all the technology equipment we have it does not feel the same. Again, I do not want to be a burden to anyone. Let me tell you what I learned along time ago that no matter how lonely a person gets holds true: the onlye person you can depend on is yourself because if things do not work out the only person you can blame is yourself since you are the only thing you can control.
So tonight I fight any extreme loneliness until I do not feel anything anymore. This is how one freezes a heart over. Pretend that what I want is for someone to hold me close since I already feel like a disease that people do not like to touch. Do you realize how many weeks I go before someone even brushes against me accidentally? I want to feel a heartbeat, a real one as a body close to mine sends a warm sensation up my spine. I want to feel passion, motivation, encouragement, and strength. A hug? Being held while I sleep? Instead I will get over this feeling with burns on my cheeks a trail where feeling used to lie and no longer exists. I revert to autopilot and continue on because the world does not stop even if I do.
I want time to stop. I want time to freeze. I want to jump off the side of a cliff with only the air suspending my body as I dive through the air. I want the rush of air as the adrenaline gets my heart pumping so hard that my whole body can feel every blood cell moving through it. All I want to hear is the music in my head as I begin to paint the picture that goes with it for everyone to see what I see and how I see it. No more distinction. No more lines.
Ever thought about diving naked?......just free......no rules......no limits.........just being.......
If you have not figured it out by now, I am a very passionate person. Some day I hope someone sees the world I do. Some understand it if you explain it, others do not have a clue. Some days I wish I did not have to be the responsible one. :P
Monday, June 18, 2012
Good luck is hard to come by
Tonight as I was leaving a friened's house I spotted a penny on the ground. I am sure most of you know that if you pick a penny up and it is heads up it means you are suppose to have good luck. I rarely find a penny heads up, but I started to wonder if anyone would actually pick up this penny with the tail up since it was bad luck? So I picked it up and threw it back on the groud hoping it would land heads up and give someone good luck. I know it sounds weird even though I know every action has a reaction so I hope someone does get the luck.
As I drove home I started to think about my day. It had been a bit rough. For one I yelled at a friend of mine today. I had been holding in feelings of something I did not approve of and finally I verbally vomitted it all over. I yelled and sweared at this person which is completely out of character for me. I just felt so strongly with what I had to tell the friend that I was not going to back down. I value my friendships more than anything in this world and people who know me know how much they mean to me. I would do anything until a friend would show me that I was not worth it to them, then I would stop trying.
Before my ex I rarely got mad. After him I learned what anger was and to the point where it affects my body physically. The sad part about yelling at this friend is feeling that anger all the way in my chest. People should not be used and have no right to hurt others. I am extremely protective of friends who are dear to me to the point I would do anything for those friends not to feel pain ever again. I guess I am learning that sometimes a friend does not care if that friend loses you.
So beyond my yelling and exposing information that I had been holding in, I did find some excitement. I received my developed pictures from my brother's wedding. I love pictures and I love looking at them over and over again. However, how do you catch an exact moment in a picture. You can't, just the memory of it. The pictures reminded me of things I missed, things I did not understand, and things that are unexplainable. I miss having someone significant to share the special moments in my life. I am not saying my friends and family are not significant to me, but they all have their own lives. Sometimes life can just be lonely. Some days I miss my past and wish I could push a rewind button and do-over, but then I would not be here....where I am obviously needed.
As I drove home I started to think about my day. It had been a bit rough. For one I yelled at a friend of mine today. I had been holding in feelings of something I did not approve of and finally I verbally vomitted it all over. I yelled and sweared at this person which is completely out of character for me. I just felt so strongly with what I had to tell the friend that I was not going to back down. I value my friendships more than anything in this world and people who know me know how much they mean to me. I would do anything until a friend would show me that I was not worth it to them, then I would stop trying.
Before my ex I rarely got mad. After him I learned what anger was and to the point where it affects my body physically. The sad part about yelling at this friend is feeling that anger all the way in my chest. People should not be used and have no right to hurt others. I am extremely protective of friends who are dear to me to the point I would do anything for those friends not to feel pain ever again. I guess I am learning that sometimes a friend does not care if that friend loses you.
So beyond my yelling and exposing information that I had been holding in, I did find some excitement. I received my developed pictures from my brother's wedding. I love pictures and I love looking at them over and over again. However, how do you catch an exact moment in a picture. You can't, just the memory of it. The pictures reminded me of things I missed, things I did not understand, and things that are unexplainable. I miss having someone significant to share the special moments in my life. I am not saying my friends and family are not significant to me, but they all have their own lives. Sometimes life can just be lonely. Some days I miss my past and wish I could push a rewind button and do-over, but then I would not be here....where I am obviously needed.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Say what you mean or shut your yap!
I know the title sounds harsh, but it holds a lot of truth. For those of you out there reading this, remember to follow through with what you are saying. If you give insight and stop with a cliff hanger then how do you expect the other person to understand you.
Now I will not say I am perfect at this because it takes a lot of trust to tell a person EXACTLY what is on your mind and I do not have a lot of trust. A friend asked me tonight, 'Are we ok?'. What do you mean 'ok'? Am I well? Yes. Do I have a broken bone? No. Can I see? Yes. So I pushed for clarification as to what 'ok' meant.
"Are you mad at me?"
"About what?"
By this time it should be clear that I was not mad. I was frustrated though. It is hard for some to see passed a hardcover book and into actual feelings of a person. It is hard for a person to realize an old lady needs help to cross the street instead of you sitting there and laughing. It is hard for some to do a good deed without being recognized for it. Where did 'common sense' go? Where did the strength in words leave us?
I am starting to wonder some days if there is any actual truth out there. Take a look at anyone and tell me there is not something that any particular person has not said or even lied about. Tell me that I can trust again and feel safe. Tell me as my friend that you can tell me anything even if it is something that I do not want to hear. In the end, just.......tell me............
Now I will not say I am perfect at this because it takes a lot of trust to tell a person EXACTLY what is on your mind and I do not have a lot of trust. A friend asked me tonight, 'Are we ok?'. What do you mean 'ok'? Am I well? Yes. Do I have a broken bone? No. Can I see? Yes. So I pushed for clarification as to what 'ok' meant.
"Are you mad at me?"
"About what?"
By this time it should be clear that I was not mad. I was frustrated though. It is hard for some to see passed a hardcover book and into actual feelings of a person. It is hard for a person to realize an old lady needs help to cross the street instead of you sitting there and laughing. It is hard for some to do a good deed without being recognized for it. Where did 'common sense' go? Where did the strength in words leave us?
I am starting to wonder some days if there is any actual truth out there. Take a look at anyone and tell me there is not something that any particular person has not said or even lied about. Tell me that I can trust again and feel safe. Tell me as my friend that you can tell me anything even if it is something that I do not want to hear. In the end, just.......tell me............
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
A Time to Let Go
I am afraid time gave me my answer. No magic eight ball. No psychic. No magic. Just a bit of killed hope. I cannot stand by anymore and watch anymore. If friendship resides in the heart and the other person does not have a heart it makes it easy for you to be replaced....and forgotten. I see I can leave now and this person will not care. I can cry and it will not matter. I can sink beneath the cracks and disappear.
Sometimes I wish I could wander around unnoticed watching others. I know it sounds creepy, but picture it as though you are Scrooge watching the present with Tiny Tim. I want to learn from people. Something I wish I could learn is how to kill a heart. Is it possible to just poke it and deflate it?
This makes me think of another friend of mine. She has a heart so big and loves people who do not love her back. I do not understand how you cannot love a person like that. Why do people take advantage of another person? Is this some game to everyone? Do you really feel you have accomplished something?
I'm going to have to rip this band-aid off and cut cold turkey. I cannot do this to myself again. Good bye.
Sometimes I wish I could wander around unnoticed watching others. I know it sounds creepy, but picture it as though you are Scrooge watching the present with Tiny Tim. I want to learn from people. Something I wish I could learn is how to kill a heart. Is it possible to just poke it and deflate it?
This makes me think of another friend of mine. She has a heart so big and loves people who do not love her back. I do not understand how you cannot love a person like that. Why do people take advantage of another person? Is this some game to everyone? Do you really feel you have accomplished something?
I'm going to have to rip this band-aid off and cut cold turkey. I cannot do this to myself again. Good bye.
The Necessity of Obligation in a Friendship???
To my readers and readeretts,
It has been awhile since I wrote in here and I know you all miss me, right? :) Going back to school and keeping busy at work does take up time, but that does not I have not had time to learn a few lessons that I would like to share.
A person is only worth as much as the people that are kept in that person's life. I am writing to a specific friend who I wish understood ideas 'beyond the box.' There is always a bigger picture that you should look at and most people miss it. They stay in the box because it is safe. How are you going to learn or grow or even become a better human being if you stay the same?
I appreciate this person in my life and this matters to me because I grow from this person. I feel as though I am challenged to be better. I am inspired to write to be creative, but at what expense? Only to be broke down and told how my growth is not good enough. When will I be good enough? When will I be good enough for you?
You cannot win every battle, but you can fight for the meaning and eventually win the war. You never learn a lesson without a few burns or losses along the way. This may be a loss. I wanted this person to be the one I could turn to anytime, the one I could call anytime, and maybe the one that would be the same kind of friend I am....putting others before yourself. Let down............
So I asked if I mattered and found out that not only am I just a friendly need, but an obligation. I understand that my friendship is now a chore. Since when did friendship become an obligation? I always felt it was a 'want' maybe a 'need', but should not be complicated. I WANT to be your friend. I WANT you around. I WANT who you are to be a part of me.
I continue thinking and reevaluating what I want in my life. I want people in my life who are going to make me a better person. I want someone with a heart of gold like mine and can see the world through my eyes. I do not see the world for what it is, but what it can be. My picture is not of education or technology, but of people. I want someone in my life who is going to look at me and hold me in his arms not wanting to let go. I want someone who is going to come up behind me rubbing his nose along my neck as the smell of my hair lingers in his thoughts. I want him to look into my eyes, lift my chin, and want nothing else in this life but to stand in that moment only to be so lucky for his lips to touch mine.
Sure I want the relationship maybe to be thought of as more than a friend, but for now the friend is more important. So tonight I sit and I write this entry thinking of a particular someone knowing this person is going to call me later. Do I answer? Do I ignore? Does it matter in the end? Either way this person will never understand and after today the confirmation just hurts. I thought there was hope in sharing a world very special to me. Nope. This person just wants me to see the life that this person leads. I already went down that road. I have visited that fork and no longer want to be a part of someone who wants to rule over my life.
So now what? To a person who many have walked away from, what do I do? I want to follow my word and say I'll never leave as your friend, but I am not going to be your job. Again, no obligation, just take what you need and let me be.
It has been awhile since I wrote in here and I know you all miss me, right? :) Going back to school and keeping busy at work does take up time, but that does not I have not had time to learn a few lessons that I would like to share.
A person is only worth as much as the people that are kept in that person's life. I am writing to a specific friend who I wish understood ideas 'beyond the box.' There is always a bigger picture that you should look at and most people miss it. They stay in the box because it is safe. How are you going to learn or grow or even become a better human being if you stay the same?
I appreciate this person in my life and this matters to me because I grow from this person. I feel as though I am challenged to be better. I am inspired to write to be creative, but at what expense? Only to be broke down and told how my growth is not good enough. When will I be good enough? When will I be good enough for you?
You cannot win every battle, but you can fight for the meaning and eventually win the war. You never learn a lesson without a few burns or losses along the way. This may be a loss. I wanted this person to be the one I could turn to anytime, the one I could call anytime, and maybe the one that would be the same kind of friend I am....putting others before yourself. Let down............
So I asked if I mattered and found out that not only am I just a friendly need, but an obligation. I understand that my friendship is now a chore. Since when did friendship become an obligation? I always felt it was a 'want' maybe a 'need', but should not be complicated. I WANT to be your friend. I WANT you around. I WANT who you are to be a part of me.
I continue thinking and reevaluating what I want in my life. I want people in my life who are going to make me a better person. I want someone with a heart of gold like mine and can see the world through my eyes. I do not see the world for what it is, but what it can be. My picture is not of education or technology, but of people. I want someone in my life who is going to look at me and hold me in his arms not wanting to let go. I want someone who is going to come up behind me rubbing his nose along my neck as the smell of my hair lingers in his thoughts. I want him to look into my eyes, lift my chin, and want nothing else in this life but to stand in that moment only to be so lucky for his lips to touch mine.
Sure I want the relationship maybe to be thought of as more than a friend, but for now the friend is more important. So tonight I sit and I write this entry thinking of a particular someone knowing this person is going to call me later. Do I answer? Do I ignore? Does it matter in the end? Either way this person will never understand and after today the confirmation just hurts. I thought there was hope in sharing a world very special to me. Nope. This person just wants me to see the life that this person leads. I already went down that road. I have visited that fork and no longer want to be a part of someone who wants to rule over my life.
So now what? To a person who many have walked away from, what do I do? I want to follow my word and say I'll never leave as your friend, but I am not going to be your job. Again, no obligation, just take what you need and let me be.
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