Surprise Magic

Some things happen in life as a surprise.  You can map everything out hoping that it all goes according to plan, but there is always a road block or a sharp turn.  I found my sharp turn and I think I am in the ditch by now.  I have to sit here and figure out how to get myself out.
Do I want to dig?  Do I want to push?  Do I want help and if so what do I want that person to do to help me?  So, here I sit pondering what would be the most efficient way to get myself out of this sticky situation.  I did not expect this to happen nor did I expect to feel this way about the situation.  Figuring that after so much time I would follow my instincts this time.

So I took a different path than normal, but some how ended up with the same ending.  How does that work? How is it that I got so off track that I ended up right where I started?  It is because I am not like everyone else, my mother told me so when I was younger.  I know you are reading this thinking, "That's what everyone's mother says."  If this is your thought then you do not understand.  Let me use recent encounters as an example.

I met someone who seemed to like me for me.  It has been at least a year since I ever felt that way or IF I ever felt that way.  I was called 'beautiful' (joke, right?), he wanted to know me (unlike someone in my life who likes to call himself my friend), and he was worried more about me than himself.  The sad part is that it all feels like a dream and I cannot tell you without crying.  As you read this I am sure you understand what it feels like to have someone hold you so close that the rest of the world does not matter, you feel safe for a change, not wanting to move in fear it will all be lost. 

My eyes close as I think back to when his lips touched mine.  It was the softest touch that surged electricity through my body as I began to float up to cloud nine.  Those were the first lips to touch mine since my abusive ex and nothing,  yes I mean nothing felt like that one, two, three moment in time.  The clock ticked in the background, kids screamed at their parents, but I did not hear any of this as I was held frozen in my own time.

It is amazing what a little magic can do for your life.  Right now it is gone....I miss it.  Instead tonight I got a lecture from someone  telling me how my opinion does not matter and he is right.  Why waste your time pretending that you want to know what I think, feel, or what my opinion is if it never mattered in the first place?  Maybe I should contact Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, second star on the right til morning.......


He touched my chest before I died
The Queen had taken what was left
Somehow, somewhere it was returned
There was no option,
It was to be forever with no looking back

He had her defeated and spared the ticking device
The organ was hard and held solid
The lips gentle touch brushed even,
the liquid dripping down his hand

He knew where it belonged
the clock was ticking
but.............

it was too late.



"Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne

Amazing moments

This week my English class ends and I lose my night job.  This may sound funny, but I am proud of myself.  I needed to concentrate on school.  My financial aid depends on my GPA and with the second job gone I will be able to improve my grades leaving less boundaries as far as what I can learn in a short amount of time.

With more time I will also be able to write more and hopefully keep up with the writing market.  I have had so much inspire me this week.  If I had time to write it all down I would.  One thing that  surprised me and touched my heart was when a friend told me that I '..never cease to amaze him.'  I did not know what to think of this statement.  My goal in life is to inspire and better people because that is the same standards I hold for myself.  I believe there is more out there for everyone and who am I to hold someone back?

So I wondered how I could possibly amaze someone and if more than one person feels this way.  Something backfired this week though.  Someone amazed me, actually more shocked me.  You are going to read this and wonder 'Why is this so shocking?'  Let me warn you that everything in my world has flipped and I am surprised that even though it is all shook up nothing has falling apart completely.

There is someone in my life who calls me 'beautiful.'  Let me explain the shock:  I just met this person not that long ago and this person has not been my friend as long as others who have said I was 'beautiful.'  To this day I sit here trying to figure out the connection how what I see in the mirror could be referred to as beautiful.  I do not see it.  Now do I believe it?  No I do not.  Can I act like I do? Yes, I am a very good actress, but still does not replace the truth or what I have known to be the truth.

So I waited knowing that in a short time it would be gone.  That is how situations like this play in my past.  It almost happened until we hit the safety net.  It is weird having someone say that this person thinks the world of you, that this person misses you, and to have that person's arms wrapped around you without the weird 'is this right?' feeling.  I chose to go with it and ignore analyzing much.  If need be I walk away, but for now I will not.

Am I really amazing?  Maybe.  Do I keep amazing people?  Hope so.  Is it just me being me or is it just the situation? Hope it is just me.  I think people are starting to realize that I like to have fun.  People do not see life as fun, but a structural institution like the army.  I guess I figure if I did not have fun or enjoy this life then I wasted what was given to me and that would be rude.

Dear N,
Thank you for your compliment this weekend.  There is something about you that always seems to inspire me.
-IVS

Forgotten purpose

As some of you may know, I have gone back to school to improve myself.  I was doing my homework today and started to think about my blog here.  I have not touched it too much because of my busy schedule, but instead of being objective anymore it has become personal.  I started to become a little conerned because that was not the purpose to begin with.  I took a few minutes to think back to what I have written and actually became proud.

My year has been rough yet I have somehow managed to stay focused on things I want and deserve in life.  Lately, since my anniversary is coming up, I think back to what was happening last year during this time.  I think about the emotional pain, the mental pain, and the physical pain only to thank God that I did not lose myself completely.  I believe I am here for a reason.  I now have people whom I can call friends, I do not have to be caged up like an animal, and if you have kept up with my blog you have been on my journey with me to recovery.  It is for this reason that I am proud I was not objective. 

These entries may not mean much to everyone, but sometimes seeing into someone's mind and what they are going through only expands upon knowledge.  Sometimes just acknowledging that an issue does exist is all it takes.  I know some like to keep issues quiet in fear of judgement.  I know some do not want to deal with issues.  What happens then because the issue never disappears?

Recently I got a different kind of acknowledgement from a friend.  This person told me that I scare him/her because of the potential of hurting me after everything I have gone through.  By this person saying this I realized that I am sure he/she is not the only one that feels like this.  Let me just say that pain is inevitable, but it is what you do with it that defines a relationship (intimate, friendship, etc).  I know I am not perfect and I will probably hurt someone even though it is not on purpose. I actually already think I accomplished this in the past week.  I apologized because I did not know what I had said hurt.  My understanding from the conversation we were having was that it was all a joke, but unfortunately it became more.

So with all the potential hurt why do we keep trying?  Human nature?  Growth? Understanding?  I know, because with the bad comes the good and life becomes the wildest roller coaster ride we can take.  If you can handle it you will eventually let go of the handle.  If you cannot, you will continue to hold on and potentially miss a little experience even though this is not bad either.  I choose to let go.  How am I going to feel everything if I do not risk everything at times in my life????

All but One Dream

My anniversary is coming up, the one where I left my now ex husband due to abuse.  I am starting to get a little antzy wondering if I deserve what I want out of a relationship.  So far I have failed which does not give me much hope at all.  Some are not the settling type, some are oblivious, and some just need some time.  So, I try to think of what I really want when it comes to my next relationship and then I saw a friend's video of her mom before she passed away.

I look at the pictures and feel my eyes water up partially because I remember my friend's mother.  She was the sweetest lady ever.  Then I see what I want from the pictures shown in the video.  I want love as though it were my first with burning passion to where you cannot stand to live without that person ever.  I want someone who will push me to be a better person and who feels the same for me towards him.  I want someone to hold me like I am weak even though I am strong, someone who recognizes that I am a lady even though I may be strong enough to keep up with the guys.

I think back and remember arms wrapped around my body that were meant to keep me safe.  Maybe a kiss on the forehead with the intention that I am one in a million.  All in all I want a love that could hurt.  There is nothing more coveted than something that is the rarest thing ever.