In the last week I have become close to a new friend of mine. I must admit that I like to get to know new people because I get to learn something new. You could almost compare it to the idea of opening a present, you never know what is inside or what is going to come out. Eventually you find out what it is that has brought you together.
In both of our lives there have been placed grudges and regrets. I found it interesting to listen to this friend to realize that a grudge can tear so much of a person's life apart. You realize that a simple thing can separate a person to what is and what could be. It limits any opportunity that could make a person great. A grudge could be like an ultimate sin leaving a person to think back and possibly realizing that they had the choice to move on and are now losing more than what they could have had.
I feel bad for a person like this. I will admit I am not perfect and have had my share of grudges. From one year to the next I think I have the right to discuss this because I have been on both sides of the track. I once held a grudge against a family member that I feel was rightly deserved, but the only person it mattered to or hurt was me. Why? I have a heart, which to this day is in the process of freezing over. The grudge did not hurt anyone, but myself because the other part did not even notice that I had disappeared. Maybe hurting myself was what I regretted the most.
Regret. What an interesting concept of 'what ifs'? Something people do not learn about this word is that it is deadly and makes you stop living. You keep trying to turn back the clock that does not exist in such a manner. I tried to stop this at this point in my life and move forward. I watch people live in regret. It saddens me to see how they just STOP.....stop living, stop being human, stop being themselves.
One friend of mine lives here. I sometimes feel sorry for this person realizing that there is so much more out there for this person, but his/her live is not MY choice. This is one of those moments where you sit back and force yourself to watch something stupid happen. Do I want to be there to pick up the pieces at the end? Not really. I warned this person what will happen, the events are taking place, and when it falls to pieces I have a choice to make. Do I allow this person to learn a lesson or do I clean up? This may be a mean thought, but I figure I need to let the lesson be learned or nothing will change. It was this person's choice to begin with so why should I suffer because of him/her?
Some days I wish I could save the world from pain. I would love to be the one to take it away so others could feel what I usually feel because I have realized that a grudge and regret just weigh you down. They turn your world dark and cloud the simple things in life. Sometimes I wish people could see things the way I see them and feel what I feel. Inspiration: "Moment 4 Life" by Nicki Minaj. If you are reading this right now think of THOSE moments. A smile from a friend, a baby's laugh, a sunset, etc. Maybe one of you might understand this. Maybe someone will see something/someone they missed that has been right under their nose. Maybe one of you will find....that moment that you carry with you for the rest of your life.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
If I only had a..........
Sometimes you have to say things without actually saying them. People inspire in different ways and I still believe everyone needs to know when they have been that inspiration. Some things are misunderstood, some things are passed, and sometimes when things just make you happy in a dark world or a dark moment you need to realize you cannot give up....just yet.
To a dear friend,
I am hoping you read this and understand even though you will not say much to me right now. Maybe things are hard on your end, too, but I am not for sure. I was honest with things I did and honest with things I said. Nothing was ever fake, but I regretted it because I did not intend to feel anything again. We had both agreed this was unplanned, unforeseen, and not expected.
Everything was fun in games once until I changed my mind about something. Then you changed. I felt like this result was from me because I was the only changing factor. I still feel like there was something wrong with me because the only thing I can change is me.
Some things are not meant to turn out a desired way, but they are meant to be whatever it is they were. Maybe the cosmos were trying to tell me I got off track? lol. Maybe I had some bad Karma left behind? Maybe I got distracted and needed to refocus? So I think I have it figured out now. It was not meant to be the way I wanted, but I needed something to give me a push. I needed someone to show me that maybe I was not completely iced over as I thought I was. I believe you were needed for something else and I did not know it at the time.
Sure, I am a little hurt. Yes, I wanted to hate you to the point where my heart burst from my chest, but unfortunately when a person like you do not do anything that warrants anything negative it makes it hard to feel those desired feelings.
Go figure to the fact that there is always something more to life. Still wish I was psychic some days. It could have made the downfall a bit easier. So if I do not get my chance to tell you....Thank you. Thank you for showing me that I may completely be the Tin Man after all.
-IVS
To a dear friend,
I am hoping you read this and understand even though you will not say much to me right now. Maybe things are hard on your end, too, but I am not for sure. I was honest with things I did and honest with things I said. Nothing was ever fake, but I regretted it because I did not intend to feel anything again. We had both agreed this was unplanned, unforeseen, and not expected.
Everything was fun in games once until I changed my mind about something. Then you changed. I felt like this result was from me because I was the only changing factor. I still feel like there was something wrong with me because the only thing I can change is me.
Some things are not meant to turn out a desired way, but they are meant to be whatever it is they were. Maybe the cosmos were trying to tell me I got off track? lol. Maybe I had some bad Karma left behind? Maybe I got distracted and needed to refocus? So I think I have it figured out now. It was not meant to be the way I wanted, but I needed something to give me a push. I needed someone to show me that maybe I was not completely iced over as I thought I was. I believe you were needed for something else and I did not know it at the time.
Sure, I am a little hurt. Yes, I wanted to hate you to the point where my heart burst from my chest, but unfortunately when a person like you do not do anything that warrants anything negative it makes it hard to feel those desired feelings.
Go figure to the fact that there is always something more to life. Still wish I was psychic some days. It could have made the downfall a bit easier. So if I do not get my chance to tell you....Thank you. Thank you for showing me that I may completely be the Tin Man after all.
-IVS
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Choices + possible mistakes = confusion
Today I think about all the choices I have made in the last year. Did I go left when I should have gone right? Did I stay when I should have left? When I let my guard down should I have locked up? It is choices like these that everyone is required to make on a daily basis and somehow I wonder if I made a mistake on something.
I have pursued some things in my life that I am proud of these days. Going back to school has been my pride and joy, but now it is time to write my story. A beginning, middle, and end that people will understand and thirst for more. The story, however, never ends. It continues through time and space raising questions and concerns that never truly get answers. It's a story of a hero, a tale of independence, and a journey filled with fear.
That is right, I said fear. With as much strength as a person can have, fear can still reside inside in a secret chamber. You can try to face your fears, but because of a questioning nature the feeling may never disappear. Ok, I'll be honest here.
The honest truth is that I count time, I recognize dates, and I do not acknowledge them for what they are, but what they were. Some days time stands still or so if feels like until I see the clock that hours, minutes, and seconds that have passed. It is like waking up from a dream and feeling disoriented. Lately the confusion is great, but it still leaves breadcrumbs for me to follow. I do not know where the crumbs lead, but I chose to follow them. (Hansel and Gretal)
Eventually the crumbs disappear and I am left standing here vulnerable with my heart open because I am scared to move. I know someone out there is proud of me because I was able to allow this vlnerability, but after things have changed I feel it is time to close up again. I should not have allowed this to take place and I fight with myself trying to figure out if this is a mistake. Can I go backwards from here before the changes were set into play? Why did the changes take place anyway? I cannot know this one because it is the other person's doing.
I knew where I stood, but this person questioned it. I was questioned bout motive allowing myself to be completely honest and now I wish to hate. I want to hate so I can return to safety, but it feels like swimming in the ocean to an island. With every paddle with every kick it feels like you are not moving if not moving in the opposite desired direction. So what do I do now? Do I stay around like I used to in hopes what may never happen actually takes place? Do I leave and pray to God that my heart hardens with hatred as a coat of armor? or.......do I continue to sit here pretending time is not passing me by?
I have pursued some things in my life that I am proud of these days. Going back to school has been my pride and joy, but now it is time to write my story. A beginning, middle, and end that people will understand and thirst for more. The story, however, never ends. It continues through time and space raising questions and concerns that never truly get answers. It's a story of a hero, a tale of independence, and a journey filled with fear.
That is right, I said fear. With as much strength as a person can have, fear can still reside inside in a secret chamber. You can try to face your fears, but because of a questioning nature the feeling may never disappear. Ok, I'll be honest here.
The honest truth is that I count time, I recognize dates, and I do not acknowledge them for what they are, but what they were. Some days time stands still or so if feels like until I see the clock that hours, minutes, and seconds that have passed. It is like waking up from a dream and feeling disoriented. Lately the confusion is great, but it still leaves breadcrumbs for me to follow. I do not know where the crumbs lead, but I chose to follow them. (Hansel and Gretal)
Eventually the crumbs disappear and I am left standing here vulnerable with my heart open because I am scared to move. I know someone out there is proud of me because I was able to allow this vlnerability, but after things have changed I feel it is time to close up again. I should not have allowed this to take place and I fight with myself trying to figure out if this is a mistake. Can I go backwards from here before the changes were set into play? Why did the changes take place anyway? I cannot know this one because it is the other person's doing.
I knew where I stood, but this person questioned it. I was questioned bout motive allowing myself to be completely honest and now I wish to hate. I want to hate so I can return to safety, but it feels like swimming in the ocean to an island. With every paddle with every kick it feels like you are not moving if not moving in the opposite desired direction. So what do I do now? Do I stay around like I used to in hopes what may never happen actually takes place? Do I leave and pray to God that my heart hardens with hatred as a coat of armor? or.......do I continue to sit here pretending time is not passing me by?
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Time
Time. What is time exactly? It is something we made up as a measurement as we watch the sun pass over us to the west and then rise again in the east.
Let us think a little further, how much does time actually cost us? It takes five minutes to get gas for which a tank cost $40. A plane ticket to another country could cost $500 for a four hour trip. However, working a job for an hour warrants $20. So what are we actually investing in? Where does time go? Is it actually wasted or is that us just using a measurement again? Can you get time back or could it be something you never really had to begin with?
I remember a saying once that I think came from a show, a religious show. It explained that we as humans do not realize that we have all the time in the world. I do not remember it word for word as you can see, but the meaning has followed me. I try to live my days the way I want them to be lived. I chose what I want, when I want it, and what I deserve because no one else is going to fight for it except me. I also watched the movie 'In Time.' If there is one thing to learn from this movie besides the concept of time it is that you should live one day at a time, one day as if it were your last.
So with a last day what would you do? Maybe you should ask on your last day, what can't you do?
Let us think a little further, how much does time actually cost us? It takes five minutes to get gas for which a tank cost $40. A plane ticket to another country could cost $500 for a four hour trip. However, working a job for an hour warrants $20. So what are we actually investing in? Where does time go? Is it actually wasted or is that us just using a measurement again? Can you get time back or could it be something you never really had to begin with?
I remember a saying once that I think came from a show, a religious show. It explained that we as humans do not realize that we have all the time in the world. I do not remember it word for word as you can see, but the meaning has followed me. I try to live my days the way I want them to be lived. I chose what I want, when I want it, and what I deserve because no one else is going to fight for it except me. I also watched the movie 'In Time.' If there is one thing to learn from this movie besides the concept of time it is that you should live one day at a time, one day as if it were your last.
So with a last day what would you do? Maybe you should ask on your last day, what can't you do?
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