I read something today on Facebook that stuck with me a bit, "You can't choose who you love." That was the first sentence and the only part that mattered to me. Normally my retaliation would be that you can choose who you love. You may be reading this and be a little confused. Take a couple any couple and tell me how they can stay together for years and years...and then a few more years. The two people in that couple loved each other and chose to continue to love each other. They had the option to grow out of love.
Take for example my last relationship. He chose to love others and I chose to stop loving a cheater. It is hard, but possible. You can indeed chose who you love. I think it is something more people need to consider. Why? What if I love you and you NEVER love me? Should I sit here hopelessly waiting for something that will never happen? No. Why? I deserve love and to be loved by another person. This does not mean that my love for you will not change into a different kind of love.
When a situation like this takes place I cannot bear to watch it. I have two friends who get that puppy face when they talk about the other person they love. They have that stare: the glossy soft eyes that haze over looking deep into the person they love as if being able to touch them and the jaw drops as if trying to grasp for air. Yep, I just saw it recently and realized how invisible I became.
I am sure I have had a moment like that, but I have been trying to survive on just one moment that if I had a chance I would just repeat each day, each hour, each moment of my life. My moment you ask? It was one where a person feels that he or she is the center of the universe, you are the most important person right there in that spot, you are the one loved in that moment, and the one that is wanted. It is a moment where your body tingles all over because you cannot move no matter how hard you try. It is also the quickest moment as it passes before your eyes.
My quickest moment ended with, "I missed you." I now miss me too...most days. I had warm arms wrapped around me, a body so close to mine we could have been one, and a warm breath near my face. I had gotten the eyes from someone I trusted at the time. I thought I had a second chance where someone wanted me, wanted to be WITH me. I thought maybe for once in my life I could be the center of someone's universe. I remember our arms wrapped around each other as if we were never going to let go and then.....then the person kissed me. It was soft and gentle, the kind you see in the movies. To make the moment even more perfect this person uttered the words, "I missed you." I began to cry because I was happy. I wanted to hold this person close for a long time, but like I said...quickest moment....before it began it was over. It is hard to watch something that makes you happy leave you a bit banged up.
You know I have ....I have never had a moment like that and now I ALMOST regret it because of how things ended. Yeah, there is always someone else. Seems to be the story of my life, always something or someone better. I did not love this person because there really was no chance, but at the same time I feel I was not given a chance. I opened up and now I just feel stupid for doing it. I thought that when this person was with me he/she was with me mind, body, and soul. Nope, nope, and nope. While I was with the person the same person was with someone else. I think that is what hurts the most.
So to take this a bit further let's reference a movie, "Save the Last Dance" with Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas. For those of you who do not know the movie it is about a white girl who moves to her father's place because her mother has passed away. She becomes friends with a black male teen. Through her personal issues of thinking she killed her mom and him getting into Georgetown we see how they develop a relationship that is not accepted by society. There is a line from that movie that I love though:
"You can't help who you love, Derek. You're not supposed to. When you love somebody, you love them. Look at me. At least you found somebody who loves you back."
Yeah. Ok, enter jealous right here. I was watching a video on youtube.com today. It was a part of a movie that I love to watch not only for the dancing or because I have a 'thing' for the main actor, but for the music. Anyone who truly knows me will know that I still love music, a minor key over a major key, how strings can be used in hip-hop, or knows that when I need that 'me' time I used to play the piano until my fingers went numb. I miss the piano. The sensation of my fingers gliding across the keys like water trickling down a waterfall. The link to the video that helped inspire this entry is below along with a song that never ceases to make me think.
Peace out, love freely, and dance naked. :)
Save the Last Dance, 2001, directed by Thomas Carter
https://youtu.be/9F44VQEpQps
"Moment 4 Life" by Nicki Minaji
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Bleeding Heart
I found this piece and wanted to share it. It is a piece that touched me and made me want to cry knowing that this actually exists.
The relationship had all been a lie. Some people can be friends and some people become more than just friends. I was the more than friends, but with no meaning. It is interesting how you can be around so many people and with one look you disappear. That is how I became a ghost that one unfortunate night. I saw how maturity coward below sexy. I saw how age and experience lost meaning to innocence. I saw how he had once said I was beautiful as his jaw dropped to the floor and his eyes gazed deep into her. He loved her.
He loved her like I could have loved him, but that did not matter now. It was that moment I knew I had to run away. There was no stopping or time to turn back. All those times and 'special' moments together were none existant as he looked at her. I knew I had made a mistake. I have warmed up to someone when I swore I would never chance my heart again.
A heart is a fragile organ that must be taken care of, but when broken it repairs itself with scars. I did not want mine anymore. I could have cared less if someone had taken a knife and ripped it out. As I walked home I pictured over and over how he had been in a trance not noticing that I had even left. He did not see the old man hanging out of the trash trying to get my attention. He did not care that the circus lady with a beard asked me to come home with her and be her lover. He just did not care anymore.
After that night I decided I should not care as well. To prove to myself I would not fee anymore pain I brought out the blade that I had once used in the past. I had a history of self-mutilation, but had thought I was set enough that I would not harm myself again. Unfortunately, I found this pain to be unbearable. I tried to cry. I tried to weep, but nothing would come out.
I held the blade firmly as I lay on the bathroom floor hoping and praying my pain would go away. Sadly it worsened. I stopped dreaming for those few minutes as they slowly passed before my eyes. The room grew dark as my body went numb. I did not feel the blade as it touched my skin. I did not feel the crimson liquid drip down my arm. I did not notice the drenched rug until my friend came into the room.
I cut out of my trance and began to cry because of how sad the blood looked on the floor. My friend began to cry knowing that I was in pain. I could not stop crying, barely breath, and prayed my eyes would close forever. It may not have been the end of the world, but knowing that every time he was with me he was actually with her showed me how much I meant to him even as a friend.
I would like to say things got better, but like any story they have to get worse before they get better. Some understand pain and some need to know that within others this pain never really goes away.
I knew someone like this before. She is still a friend of mine. I know right now she hurts and I wish she did not because she is a very special person. I hope she realizes this after she reads this and looks at it from a different perspective. Please, be happy and dream again. I do love you.
The relationship had all been a lie. Some people can be friends and some people become more than just friends. I was the more than friends, but with no meaning. It is interesting how you can be around so many people and with one look you disappear. That is how I became a ghost that one unfortunate night. I saw how maturity coward below sexy. I saw how age and experience lost meaning to innocence. I saw how he had once said I was beautiful as his jaw dropped to the floor and his eyes gazed deep into her. He loved her.
He loved her like I could have loved him, but that did not matter now. It was that moment I knew I had to run away. There was no stopping or time to turn back. All those times and 'special' moments together were none existant as he looked at her. I knew I had made a mistake. I have warmed up to someone when I swore I would never chance my heart again.
A heart is a fragile organ that must be taken care of, but when broken it repairs itself with scars. I did not want mine anymore. I could have cared less if someone had taken a knife and ripped it out. As I walked home I pictured over and over how he had been in a trance not noticing that I had even left. He did not see the old man hanging out of the trash trying to get my attention. He did not care that the circus lady with a beard asked me to come home with her and be her lover. He just did not care anymore.
After that night I decided I should not care as well. To prove to myself I would not fee anymore pain I brought out the blade that I had once used in the past. I had a history of self-mutilation, but had thought I was set enough that I would not harm myself again. Unfortunately, I found this pain to be unbearable. I tried to cry. I tried to weep, but nothing would come out.
I held the blade firmly as I lay on the bathroom floor hoping and praying my pain would go away. Sadly it worsened. I stopped dreaming for those few minutes as they slowly passed before my eyes. The room grew dark as my body went numb. I did not feel the blade as it touched my skin. I did not feel the crimson liquid drip down my arm. I did not notice the drenched rug until my friend came into the room.
I cut out of my trance and began to cry because of how sad the blood looked on the floor. My friend began to cry knowing that I was in pain. I could not stop crying, barely breath, and prayed my eyes would close forever. It may not have been the end of the world, but knowing that every time he was with me he was actually with her showed me how much I meant to him even as a friend.
I would like to say things got better, but like any story they have to get worse before they get better. Some understand pain and some need to know that within others this pain never really goes away.
I knew someone like this before. She is still a friend of mine. I know right now she hurts and I wish she did not because she is a very special person. I hope she realizes this after she reads this and looks at it from a different perspective. Please, be happy and dream again. I do love you.
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