The last few days I have been thinking and wandering around in what the movie "Click" would call auto-pilot or survival mode.
Everyone has issues in their lives that are hard and wear a person out. Mine? In a place where I am unfamiliar I am invisible except to the person I want to be invisible to. I stick to myself knowing that what is going on in my life is really no one else's business and after awhile the story gets old.
There are many versions out there of the truth, but I am the one who lived this one. Control is something that should not be forced nor should you need to have this over someone you say you 'love.'
So as time passes I slowly notice less of me here and more of me inside myself. I feel like I am being introduced to the person I knew 3 years ago who had dreams, craved adventure, and just wanted more out of life then what was offered. Going to work has become routine. What I did in April was supported by strangers in this place, one of the only places I felt safe. I go to work, sit in my cubicle, and sometimes pray someone says, 'hi' or 'how are you today.' Not that I would want to completely tell them the truth, but just being acknowledged actually does a lot to a person. I don't feel forgotten. I don't feel as if I'm doing a bad job at work. I just feel that 'Yeah, I'm gone, but someone could miss me if I leave any further."
In all honesty, I am starting to appreciate the fact that I would rather be invisible to someone else instead of to myself. I still somewhat believe that part of it was my fault even though I am learning that was not quite the case.
I just want to say I appreciate when you see me *. It makes that one day easier to get through.
