Wisdom, Courage, and Dignity

I...have some great friends and these friends have been helping me through a tough time in my life to the point where I need to take the reigns and lead onward.

There will always be a reason why you meet people.

Either you need them to change your life,

or you're the one who will change theirs.

I recently learned that I changed a person's life, but I am not quite sure the person understood what was learned.  You learn to be a friend only to dessert another, the one that stood by your side in a time of need, was there at your beck and call, and was there to show you that you are a person of importance? And what did you do?  You showed that person how unimportant the individual is to you for greener pastures.

-I was your cure and you were my disease.  I was saving you, but you were killing me.

A person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.

A person who walks alone is likely to find his/herself in places 

no one has ever been before.

This could be applied in multiple faucets. One, exploring greener pastures and two, walking away from something when it is time.  I have forgiven, but not forgotten.  I have embraced losses and stopped regretting, but I have temporarily rid myself of the memories as they were only meaningful to me at one point.  Now the same memories are reenacted with those whom I have been replace.

Never ignore a person that loves you, cares for you, and misses you

because one day you might wake up from your sleep

and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

Actions do speak louder than words.  When a person starts to do the opposite of once was you learn where you truly stand.  When the calls stop, when the communication dissipates, trust begins to dwindle, and the things said or expressed become a hypocritical contradiction you know you have lost your worth.  I have learned that I have, figuratively, stayed on the moon too long and need to pay attention to my stars. 

-Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

There comes a point when you have to realize that you'll never be good enough for some people.

The question is, is that your problem or theirs?

...and then all of a sudden she changed. 

She came back a completely different person with a new mindset,

a new outlook and a new soul.

The girl that once cared way too much about everyone and everything

no longer cared at all.

So did I learn a lesson?  Yes, I did and even though I have forgiven the person who has caused the pain, I will not forget the repeated offense.  I was told once that people in any type of relationship, defined from friendship and beyond, continuously hurt each other and sometimes it is the same offense.  The interesting part of this theory is that with the people closest to me, I have not experienced this and if so, those individuals left my life. 

However, the friends I have now have taught me something in correlation to my loss.  I seemed to have lost heart.  People whom I barely knew recognize this loss and I get this feeling that because of my loss there is a loss for them as well.  I never knew I had this much of an impression.  I was even told by a couple people, who I have only met a couple times, that due to my move I will be missed.  First, again I did not know my impact.  Second, it is nice to know when you are missed.

So with the realization of this gift, that I apparently need to find again, I have a bit more strength to move onward. 

-Without communication, there is no relationship.  Without respect, there is no love.  Without trust, there is no reason to continue.

I am going to continue with the mindset and the acknowledgment that I should not chase things that do not exist or that keep running from me.  If you are truly wanted, it will be made known.  In my lesson, I have learned that besides playing Marco Polo with my heart, I have the gift (friend) 

....who is going to confirm my deductions and my thoughts,  

.... of an ear/eye to listen/read and help rid my mind of its insane imprisonment

....of a friend who sees things in life somewhat the same as I do so I do not feel completely demented ;)

....of distraction to remind me of what is important in life, and

....of protection from someone who would be by my side in an instant.

Life is ironic in that we need to experience one thing in order to understand the opposing view.  Example: We need pain to understand happiness.  So like I stated, I have some great friends who use their talents to strengthen mine.  The value of importance and meaning, when you do not have to fight alone.  The special thing about these people is that they understand no matter my condition, I would fight for them just as hard.

The time has come and my list of goals is expanding.  I may have to do them alone.....and then again maybe not, but at least I keep moving.

Knowing when to walk away is wisdom.

Being able to is courage.

Walking away, with your head held high is dignity.

P.S. Goodbye...

Wasted Memories?

Today used to be a special day as I would spend my Saturdays with a friend of mine, which was significant to me until I found out that those same memories meant nothing to this person. Now I just want to forget the memories I made.  Sometimes I would just like to say, 'You know these memories I made?  You can have them because I do not want them.'  I know that could be hurtful for someone else, but when the memories hurt, you really do not want to hold onto them. 

Nowadays I sometimes regret allowing myself to save specific time for this person, open up to become vulnerable with this person as far as I did, and allow certain feelings to form towards this person.  I will say that in the past I know I have told this person that I wish I did not care about the person as much as I did, but I could not control that completely.  The big thing about these moments is the connection that brought us closer than normal friendship, but was special because it was our own friendship.  Sadly, I was never good enough and the memories not important enough.

I then ask myself, what was real and what was fake?  What was meant for me or just meant for someone else, but given to me because I was there?  And then, what was just transferred and based on our friendship now, what else is just transferred?  Pretty soon you start to question the actual friendship with which you made your significant memories.  

You cannot be good enough for everybody, 

but you will always be the best for the one who deserves you.

So since I do not what is real or what really existed, I do not know if I want to keep these memories or just erase the last years we were friends.  It seems easier to just get rid of the memories as it makes the pain from them hurt less.  Guaranteed I lose a bit of love and caring, but that seems to be a minor sacrifice at times.

Memories are wonderful to make,

but sometimes painful to remember

It is said that time heals all wounds and to an extent I know this is true because for me the theory of 'out of sight, out of mind' seems to work as a band-aid until I scar over.  Dragging something out is pointless and accomplishes nothing.

To Erase Painful Memories:

After the cruel memory is seen and said,

erase these thoughts from my heart and my head.

Maybe it is just better to list the confusion of these memories and everything associated with them like this:

Some memories never fade.

People say that bad memories cause the most pain,

but actually it's the good ones that drive you insane.

My worst enemy is my memory

So what do I do with these memories? Give them away?  Erase them? Suppress them? Throw them away? What?  For now, I will just let time tell and see what happens because that is all I can do.  Did I waste time making these memories?  Did I waste time on this person?  These memories  could eventually end up being trash or treasure.  Guess I sit back and enjoy the ride......or at least this beautiful rose picture to the right as it is a love of mine <3


P.S. This may a bit excessive, but for once...I was a bit at a loss of words and everything included helped me do so.

Some Bit of Understanding

I will admit that in some posts I poor my heart out because I am passionate about the topic I'm writing about at that time like the post I wrote a few days ago about changing my heart, which then lead to some criticism initiating a post that the only thing I have right now is writing.  I believe that for writing to be effective a person has to write honestly and with passion, so with that belief I practice what I preach giving up a bit of my heart even though I do not have much of it left these days.

With life every changing, there is comfort in finding understanding for another if not acknowledgement.  In the course of saying 'see you later' to my friends as I journey on to relocate, I came across an amazing person who almost brought me to tears.  As we sat there having coffee, I listened to the stories this person told appreciating the bravery to open up and be vulnerable because honestly, this is one of the only places where I am purely vulnerable and open a bit of my soul.  The stories continued and I felt that something more was speaking to me through this individual telling me that I am not the only one with regrets or the feeling of being broken.  Now I know I am not the only one to feel certain ways, but it is hard at times to find someone at THAT specific moment in which those feelings exist.  

After our visit, I walked away in deep thought of the things we discussed, appreciation for the subliminal message received, gratitude that this person is in my life, and admiration for this person.  Admiration for guts to keep moving forward and guts to hold onto some things I recently gave up, like the dream of hope and a fairy-tale.

Apparently there is some message going around and leading me down a specific path of healing because I found this article, which made me think 'I acknowledge these things differently and get condemned while this person on a site that is probably more recognized as a professional blog.  I was almost hurt because of the feedback on my one post, but after a couple minutes I was more pleased to have a little bit of my lonely feeling acknowledged and that someone else could write about a condemned feeling.  Like the author, I understand that I must go through these feelings and the pain that breaks my heart with the inability to know what about the friendship was real or what parts were meant for me and what parts were meant for someone else that were expressed to me, which is frustrating as right now I could use that friend while at the same time I want to forget all those moments that meant something to me considering they may not have been for me.  Confused yet?  Yeah, me too.  I can only trust time now to see if I truly held any significance or, as someone asked me yesterday, if I was just being used.

With every step, with every change, and with every momentary feeling we eventually learn that it is something we must endure and not to sound trite, but we are human.  The greatest gift you can receive though, is someone in some form to hold your hand because then you are not alone.

Now....anyone need a coke and a mint?

Missing You

After watching a few movies these past few days, I realize that my blog needs a bit of heart and that I have been missing someone in my life, but I cannot do anything about it.  You see this person replaced me because the individual did not think I understood certain aspects of this person's life, but I did.  The person disregarded how I feel or felt towards that person, but that is not important to the individual.  I do not totally know if the pain comes from the fact of losing a friend as a result of being replaced or knowing that the individual will not miss me.

It may be weird to contemplate these things, but everyone wants to be worth something to someone else significant in their lives.  I realize that I cannot make someone feel for me what I feel for that individual, but I can walk away in processing through the situation.  For now, I cannot completely control who I miss even though I pray eventually this will wear off.

I am finding out that with missing a person comes regrets that you have to overcome because of the confusion of what is real and what is not.  If one thing was not significant, why would anything else be like?  I actually learned this lesson a long time ago with my ex, which taught me that words are just words.  The phrases 'I love you' or 'I'm sorry' do not hold any meaning and when actions start to say the same thing you question the authenticity of the sentiments.  For me, I found it easier to presume that it means nothing because it gives you an easier foundation to walk away.

So in correlation with missing a person, it is a sign that time is telling you to move on.  I am considering this as growth meaning I need to miss someone because I know how to appreciate a person.  I guess I am just fulfilling and obligation and that in itself is okay with me. :D

Too Many of the Wrong Excuses

This week as I found a new focus in life, leaving baggage behind that should not have been significant prior, I came across many interesting people who either did not know what they were saying or were truly as ignorant as I thought them to be.  These were people who had done something wrong whether offend a patron or replacing a friend out of fear and were feeling guilty.  So first these people blame the thing closest to them or blame the person who confronted them.  If this does not work they make the ultimate mistake, obvious to anyone with a bit of intellect, and make the statement, 'Well, that is how I am....,' which is sometimes followed by, '...you just need to accept me like I accept you.'

I get a migraine just reading those lines out of annoyance for the ignorance these people have to what they are actually doing.  

Well, that is how I am.....

I have a coworker who does not know how to sensor her thoughts that splurge out of her mouth, so what comes out is repeatedly offensive.  Now the excuse is that this rude behavior is a defense mechanism, but when you watch patrons look at her and wrinkle their noses you understand that what she said was not appropriate. (Not to mention I have received complaints shortly after her mouth has 'fired off').  How does a person receive such praise and yet be so ignorant at the people around to know that the words and how you say things become prejudice sounding and no one would want to be around you then?  Am I missing something?

...you just need to accept me like I accept you.

 That is like saying I can get away with anything because I am a girl or that a person is rude because he is a guy.  How does that logic make sense?  Since when did we stop holding people accountable?  On person both lines above to me, to which I scoffed.  A person in your life has been loyal by your side through an emotional self-recognition, you replace the person with new people including all the traditions you both held with no regard prior or after, and yet you blame the friend for you being disrespectful?  That is how you are and the friend is suppose to accept and forgive you each time you stab that person in the back?  Where is the logic?  There are reasons that punishment exists, it is because when you do something wrong you should not do it again.  This is like saying it is acceptable for a sex addict to cheat on their significant others.  Where is the common sense? Or more so, where is the humanity?

Maybe I am weird, but making excuses so a person can break rules, be rude and disrespectful, or do something wrong is not acceptable.  If that were the case, then boy, I am missing out on all the mischief I can get into.  I have just been troubled by this concept because these people do not feel any remorse.  I guess it is up to everyone out there reading this.  Do you accept excuses with the idea 'that is just how it is' or do you make people accountable?  I hold people accountable and if that person will not own up to what the excuse is for, then I guess I have time to move on and find someone with more similar morals that match mine.

The Maturity of Admitting When You are Done

Done-to be finished, a past participle...

There is a point where a person has to let go because wasting time on one thing will not end well.  For me, saying 'I am done,' usually associates with people.  I like to believe the best in people and I hope for the best for all of them, even the ones I do not like, but for some reason I have trouble letting go of them.  Part of that is a fear that if I walk away they will just let me, not caring that I am gone, which is really an indication they did not care in the first place.  The other part is the desire to help or be there to support others, which sadly you can only do for so long until you lose yourself.

Never choose someone who needs to think twice about choosing you.

As I got older I came to the mature realization that there is more to life than standing, waiting around for something to happen that is inevitably never going to happen.  You cannot make someone want you, but that does not mean that when they leave you for something you have to be there to pick up the pieces if it does not work out.  I did this once in the last couple years.  A friend developed what I like to call the 'ooooo, pretty shiny' syndrome and left me in the dust for the new 'thing.'  Unfortunately, the new 'thing' did not last long and the person expected me to be there to pick up the pieces.  It was like, 'hey, I'm going to try this one thing temporarily, but I expect you to wait here for me.'  I hate to say it, but my life does not stop because you told it to wait.  I have dreams too and they are not going to be accomplished if I keep sitting around waiting for you.

So at this age I have learned not too tolerate too much.  If something is meant to be, it will happen.  If someone wants you, that person will make it known.  If you are important to someone, that person will fight for you.  I came to a point where I am done fighting for something that keeps walking away.  If I was really wanted in the first place, there would be no walking away.

Follow your brain.  Your heart is stupid as shit.

Well, the 'ooooo, pretty shiny' syndrome has invaded my life again and this time I am not sitting around to find out what happens.  I am going to move and find my heart's desire in writing or even travelling.  I do not want a small entity of the world.  I want the whole thing.  I want to experience as much as I can.  So tonight I make a bucket list in the small attempt as my first steps of walking away from the thing that deserted me.  Should it come back, then I guess I have a choice to make if it is worth fighting for a third time, no excuses.  No 'if you were a friend you would understand,' no 'you are just doing this to get back at me,' and no blaming me because you screwed up and you know it.  These are demeaning statements and do not progress beyond anything, if anything they push away and add distance. (This is almost where I dare suggest reading Tabatha Coffey's Own it!, which should be a book about the common sense of taking responsibility, but not everyone understands the concept let alone either concept separately).  

Tonight, chapter one, goal one........get to sleep with no tears of the pain this person has caused because that person is not losing sleep over it and then start tomorrow anew knowing how you have harnessed your past strength that will be applied to your future.  Part two, begin the list to your future and go for it.

The Criticism of Personal Writing

Picture a room with white patterned plastered walls and white linoleum floor with only a chair in the middle of the room, but not just any chair, one of those folded metal chairs that stiffens your back after sitting for long periods of time and seems to displace your tailbone.  Now imagine this author stumbling into the room to sit on the chair as she is piercing her lips together with her hands in her pocket.  She sits on the chair, shifts around a bit on the uncomfortable metal chair until she is finally situated.  She scuffs her feet on the floor looking down at her shoes, bashfully coming to the acknowledgement of admittance. 

I received some rather unnerving criticism on my last post and felt maybe a few things needed to be addressed.

First of all, if you do not like it, do not read it.  Yes, I put some personal experiences in my blog because we all have similar experiences and it is good to have someone to relate to.  It is true that misery loves company as long as it ends in strength, specifically the strength of grow and recovery.

Second, I love to write and writing helps analyze the crazy in my mind.  I notice, as I go through my Facebook feed, that there are others out there on my friends list who are going through hard times and dealing with them the best they know how whether reading, flying, or any other activity they find enjoyable.  The point is that by reading what I have written is the acknowledgement of 'I'm not alone.'

Third, I came across a quote from Stephen King.

'Writing isn't about making money, getting famous, getting dated, getting laid, or making friends.  In the end it's about enriching the lives of those who will read  your work, an enriching your own life, as well.  It's about getting up, getting well, and getting over.  Getting happy, okay? Getting happy."

How many times do I have to tell you that writing makes me happy? For goodness sake, if a man like Stephen King can admit that writing made him happy why can people not accept it does the same for me.  We all have our dark times and we all can be a little too honest, but I have always found that honesty IS the best policy.  Do you want someone who lies to you?

Well guess what,  I am going to be honest and brutal.  I am going to show you that I am not just a 'dumb blogger,' but a person with feelings and reactions.  Who knew that in a technological world that the writing you see on the Internet is actually a person and not a robot?  What a concept.

Either way,  I do appreciate those who read this blog because it is not a journal or diary (because if you only knew what was in those, this would look mild) and I plan to continue because who knows what turns up out of experience and writing about it. :D

Newton's Law in a Change of Heart

Changes happen frequently in life.  Some say 'things happen for a reason' or even 'let it go because if it was meant to be it will return to you,' but even the journey to a destination is not promised to be easy.

I have learned that life comes in cycles.  We have our good days and our bad days, our worse days and our mediocre days, but the specific entity is how we act or react to these occasions.  Face it, humanity can be as simple as science like when Newton states, 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.'  When one person acts a specific way another person's actions may or may not be favorable in response.

For the past few months I have been planning to relocate due to professional and personal growth, but there is this thing in life call 'money' that can at time dictate a person's life.  I will admit that I am one of those individuals who believes 'things happen for a reason,' and in the course of an event I made a split decision that I do not regret now.  I had a person, dear to my heart, tell me to leave the person's life and not care about the individual anymore; once said, I was left stranded, broken-hearted in a parking lot in utter confusion.  

What you need to first understand is I have learned the value of friendship, the foundation and epitome of human stability, so a relationship such as this is significant, which made the above event all the more confusing.  Why would you leave something important behind? Was I really not that important? Did you not value our friendship that we had developed over the last few years?  My theory and answer to these questions came from a book I had read a few years back and learned to apply to relationships/friendships: He' just not that into you.  You, my reader, may be laughing or chuckling at that, but it is true.  If you are truly wanted and important enough to a person that person will do anything in his/her power to keep you close because of your value to that individual.  The person will want to explore who you are, share some of your interests, and even ensure your safety.  It is when this things stop and a person changes that you realize your lack of worth.

The next day after the parking lot scene, I decided to move no matter how broke I was because unfortunately, at the time, the one thing that gave me ease and true happiness just threw me in the metaphoric dumpster.  Why stick around and invest in something or someone that does not want you?  It is like running  into a brick wall hoping to actually get somewhere (or as Einstein so eloquently stated, 'Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results').  

I will say this person did come back into my life...temporarily.  I informed the friend of my plans knowing that because of how close we had become it would be difficult to add distance into the equation, but you see I had planned to keep in touch as much as possible because that is what you do for friends and yes, I AM THAT KIND OF FRIEND. 

I hate to admit it, but with weeks before my move, I have been demoted or dare I say replaced.  I am not saying you cannot have more than one friend and I am not saying that change is wrong, but how you handle it can be wrong.  This person sought out other individuals in my replacement to the point that the person no longer has time for the friend who had been there during significant times in the individual's life.  I have to wonder, at times, what was it all worth?  I already wasted time on one person and now feel like I did it again.  Do not get me wrong, my feelings for this person have not really changed...much, but with every conversation I lose a little bit.  When you are told that you are not that important anymore you tend to walk away because this is an indication of something completely toxic in correlation to confusion.  Friendships are easy with complicated bumps in the road, this....this in my personal opinion is inexcusable.  I hate to tell you this, but I find that the significance in a healthy relationship is mutual.  One person cannot value the other at a higher rate, which makes it easier for me as the days go by to incorporate the thought of 'out of sight, out of mind.'  I no longer am obligated to be the friend I was prior and I no longer need to be the friend who was going to work to keep the contact.  The choice to remain friends would need to be dictated by the one that left, hoping the other party would accept the individual.

Yes, life contains many changes and as obviously depicted, contains a change in heart, which can be one of the hardest things to do. 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.'   I keep repeating this concept in my mind as I acknowledge the changes in my life knowing in my mind there is a reason while my heart fights with full regret trying to fathom any understanding in the confusion.  Should I have been supportive in particular situations?  Should I have made available time for the individual?  Should I have allowed myself to care for this person?  In general, should I have wasted my time if this was just going to be the inevitable antics of the individual? Where does the love go?........Everything has a reason.

Music to reference that helped me in the past:
Frozen by Madonna-  I love Madonna's older works.  The minor keys and pulsating music gave me comfort as I related to the presentation of a frozen heart, which in many changing factors can be a type of protection or self-preservation.
You'll See by Madonna- Did I mention I love Madonna's older works?  I always considered this a polite way of telling someone 'f*** you, I'll be fine without you.' This was an empowering song to me depicting the idea of walking away from someone and not looking back.  In everything we do we must own it, even our changes........



P.S. You broke my heart....