Random Admiration

I came across a situation this week that shook me up, but in a good way. I am active in preventing domestic violence and this week the local shelter was going to have a vigil to remember the victims.  Unfortunately the event was cancelled. It actually broke my heart.  

To be honest April and October are very hard months for me. I wish I did not have to admit it, but I still have nightmares of getting kicked and all the pain that came with it. I know some will think that after a year you should be over this stuff.  All I  have to say is that you will never understand until you have been there.

So the vigil gets cancelled twice and part of me thinks this is good because I would have cried. Things have been hard this year with certain expectations not met.  I did not ask anyone to go with me because the year before I walked alone. I walked proud because I was able to.  I found out later a friend was going to join me this year. I don't know if I could have handled the tears in front of this friend, but sometimes in life you need to be completely honest.  It was this small gesture that made me realize how close we are and how much of a best friend this person is to me.  I guess what makes me admire this person so much is  because there is the honesty and this person knows who he is on the inside.  I do not have to question whether something is being hidden from me or if this person is lying to me.  There is actually a lot of comfort and security in just being yourself.

This also made me think of another situation.  Long time ago in college I used to work for the campus dispatch.  One of the guys, I realized too late, had a crush on me.  I remember not being able to go home for the holidays so he brought the holidays to me.  He stayed with me at the campus and even gave me a gift. I remember feeling a bit awkward, but realizing how much he had liked me.  Again, there was nothing hidden, things were just the way they were suppose to be.

I sit here now thinking how lucky I am, but how tough I need to be.  Someday maybe someone will appreciate how I am and admire that as much as I admire my friend.

Wig Tales

Halloween is just around the corner.  Translation: LET'S DRESS UP BECAUSE IT IS FUN!!  Everyone likes to try or be something different some days.  Today was mine.

I had been thinking about coloring my  hair black for some time and for my Halloween costume I picked up a cute black wig.  I put on the wig and my glasses giving me a big of a Velmish look.

The change in look was not necessarily to get other's reactions, but as an expression for me. We all have different sides of ourselves that we hide or that does not get to be seen much.  This could be due to other priorities in life or an occasion has not called for it.  I do have a dark side, an artistic, if not creative side that likes to try new things every now and then.  The reactions I get from change is actually just a bonus for me.

I walked into work and a lot of people has a hard time recognizing who I was.  I will say sometimes it is nice to not be recognized or blend in.  Some people were open to the idea, while others were very judgmental.  The nice thing is that no matter what anyone said I was still me inside.  It seems that sometimes when people see things change, they assume the whole package has changed.  In this case, I am still me.....with a little more color exposed.

...........might want to put the color back on, I'm feeling a bit naked right now. :P j/k

A Mirror Image

Today I left work early and went to the gym.  Part of it may have been the fact that I took a 5 hour energy shot, but the other may have been that I try so hard at things and somehow I keep failing.

I hurt at least a couple people today without even trying.  This is actually nothing new, but that does not make it any easier.  I tried to catch up at work only to be boggled down because another department was incompetent, thus leaving lots of left-overs for me tomorrow.  I am excited that tomorrow I get to start my Spanish class, but I'll delve into that in more detail in a bit.  

Recently I have tried to reduce stress and drama in my life.  I ignored a couple people only to have them come back into my life.  I do not understand either.  The issue with both of these people is that there was a choice that had to be made; me or the other thing.  They both chose the "other thing" only to find out "um...nope that wasn't what I wanted."  Really?  I warned you both, I told you both, and I am not going to be your backup because you f***ed up.  Maybe I am  to intelligent to understand stupidity.

I seem to attracted stupidity. Call it the luck of the draw. If you notice the saying does not say if it is bad luck or good luck.  I have come across some gentlemen, if you want to call them that, who tell me that they would like to date me, but never ask.  I cannot for the life of me figure out where you lost your Mc Nuggets on that one?  Dear people of the world, actions speak louder than words! lol  I had one tell me "Me gusta tu ojos."  For those of you who do not know what that means it is, "I like your eyes."  It is sweet, but like calling a person beautiful, did you mean it or were you trying to impress someone?

So back to the gym.  I went there tonight for an hour and a half, which is the longest I have been there yet.  I needed to clear my head, which was not completely accomplished as you can see.  I looked in the mirror as I was lifting weights and somehow noticed that I do have pretty eyes.  I had not seen them sparkle in awhile, but the moment I looked everything that I had been holding in trying to ignore came rushing out in tears.  Now I hate to cry in public, let alone cry period, but I was sweating so much it was completely unnoticeable. 

I sat looking in the mirror wondering if my sparkle was going to fade because I have been trying to hold so much inside of me.  I do not want to care anymore, I do not want to be confused, nor have any feeling of pain.  I just want to live carefree and wild.  

So after a punched a few out and wiped my tears, I picked up my mess that I had just emptied from my mind and shoved it all back in. I mean, where else is it going to go? 

Sometimes our thoughts govern us more than we would like to admit or even allow.  I was once told I have very masculine qualities therefore I must be a lesbian.  1) Do not ever compare me to a man again.  I have a damn vagina for pete's sake and I know how to use it.  2)  Maybe I am as much man as you are woman for being a man 3) I think you are threatened by my independence to which I ask, since when is being independent only a masculine quality? Did you know every month Cosmo promotes a "Fun, Fearless, Female"? This would be one of those thoughts that has governed me for some time now and it governs the relationship with the person who said it.

Another thought is how I desire to write a book, but I am such an average person that I cannot figure out why anyone would read if I even got a book done in the first place. So guess what happens?  I started a book and with doubts I became blocked.  I have 2300 words and am not quite sure where I want the story to go.  Do I want to give up?  A little.  Will I?  Hopefully not.  Am I intimidated because my friend has more written? YES!  Am I intimidated because I am writing something that would be marked completely in red pen by two of my friends? YES!  Oh boy do I have issues then.  Well, I have not quit, but hopefully something will put a spark on my rear leaving me to be a writing machine.

As for a Monday night, the day is over.  Tomorrow is another day to bring about new beginnings. 

buenos noches

Pulling away.....

There have been times in my life where I have been accused of "pulling away" from people as if it is a bad thing.  The ironic part of the term is that yes, I do pull away from people at times, but it is because "our time" is over.  Sometimes a term is a few years or other times it is five months.  The reason for a person to "pull away" is because of growth.

Maybe "pulling away" is an improper term then.  Spending time with someone and connecting  with that person can, in many cases, only satisfy so much.  When you stop learning from a particular person, you are meant to go on to the next.  Unfortunately this can leave gaps with the other person until that person understands where his/her compass leads.

You are probably wonder about mine at the moment.  Let's just say that after five months I had to redirect my compass back to the tripod, the original three, the other two legs that where there with me from the beginning and have yet to leave my side.  If one leaves, we fall, but together we are strong.  I am a leg that tries to branch out a bit, to make the picture clearer, but not everything is meant to be clear (even the metaphor I just gave you).

Where does that leave me? A little hurt, but with the realization I give people too much credit.  I want to believe in the exception, I want to believe there is more to everyone and they are good, but I cannot have everything I want.  So even though certain events make me a bit mad, frustrated, but more so hurt, I move on since I have no other choice in the matter.  Some people are meant to stay in your life to teach you a lesson.....others are meant to shove you along. :)

P.S. Do not be surprised if I "pull away."  hehehe.....................