Unfinished Fear

In three days I will accomplish the feat of sky-diving, which is something I have longed to do for some time now.  As I near the actual event a part of me becomes scared.  I am a little bit scared of heights, but have learned over the years how to master those occasions by just saying "yes" to the moment.  With the potential risk of my life I am a bit scared of how I am going to die since I do not want any pain, but I am not scared of death which to many is confusing.  Death is inevitable and I have learned to accept that someday, somehow I am eventually going to die, but what will I have to show for the life I lived?

 

So why am I taking this risk?

 

I am facing every fear that I have had: rejection, intimacy, death, pain, ...change.  I am accepting that I am stronger even when I feel that I have fallen.  At times I silently pray in my head that I will be able to survive, which in this context is vague.  I get sick of being the strong one, the one that mends all the wounds, and the one that keeps everything organized.  When is someone going to take care of me? 

 

In connection to religious beliefs, I am taken care of, which is why I am so strong.  If I look how rich I am in friendships, I am also taken care of because I have invested in people who are there when I need them and know I would do the same.  Mentally, I'm exhausted. Ha!  Compared to others, I wish I understood the meaning of a "clear mind." 

 

Maybe I should be asking what scares me?  Answer: Everything. lol 

 

My imagination wanders to what could be from what is and every scenario in between both good and bad.  This ability offers me the gift of being prepared for anything while also over-compensating.  Sound exhausting yet? 

 

So I take this risk.  I face my fear and all for what?  What did I accomplish in life?  What difference did I make?  How did I improve something?  Odd as it may seem, these are the questions that ensure me of my survival in my jump and that I do not have to be scared.  I am just beginning.  I have so much to accomplish.  I am not finished yet.

Impressionable Interactions

Life has an odd way of presenting us with opportunity.  Some options are presented in anger, some are presented for us to overcome fear, and others may offer the realization of your importance.  People sometimes wonder about their importance to their existence and when it appears it is hard to identify.

I am currently single and some days I still feel like the pubescent teen trying to figure herself out, the one that gets lost in her own head on a daily basis.  Then there is the co-existing adult version that recognizes that my unique perspectives are what give me worth.  Not everyone sees life as an adventure and lives to tell about it.  Not everyone views life as a comic strip.  Not everyone views life as a moment to be a hero even if it is only silently noticed.

Every now and then people feel lonely.  This could be the fact that a relationship did not survive or maybe even the lack of a relationship.  In this mindset it is not realized that there are many types of relationship and the people from those relationships can fulfill some of the needs that are not being met.  For instance, some people say they wish they had someone to cuddle with when sometimes a hug from a friend (a touch period) is more effective.  Why?  The affection is from a person who genuinely cares about you.

Then there are those moments when we ask ourselves, "Would it really matter to anyone if I disappeared?"  Answer:  OF COURSE!  We interact on a daily basis with each other and you think that no one would notice if you were gone?  I will be bold and admit that I have asked this question.  In fact, double the boldness, I have asked a person directly if it mattered.  There are times where we need this acknowledgment, but do we know when to recognize this?  NOPE!

Let me explain.

There are times when I have moved on with my life and those I left behind, that mattered to me, forgot me.  the next thing I know,  I get a random text, email, or phone call with five simple words: I was thinking of you.  (pause for 'awww').  I recently experienced this from people I did not expect.  What?  How?  Wait, WHY?!?!  I don't know and frankly, I stopped caring to analyze the reasoning.  I accept that in that one moment that person thought of me because I somehow affected his/her life.

Sounds simple, right?  WRONG!  This is where things get foggy and we miss things.  So what do I try to do?  I accept any interaction for what it is at that moment and accept it for what it is worth.  This person thought of me today.  This person thought I was worth the contact.  This contact may have been an extra effort since we have not had a lot of contact.  This person is proud to be associated to me and reached out.  We never quite know how much we mean to others until it literally hits us on the head (I might have had that happen few times before I got to this point).  Maybe loneliness is a bit selfish and we should try reaching out to others during those times instead of withdrawing from our regular lives.  And then maybe, as I near one of the most exciting and fearful days of my life thus far, I reflect on how many people I may have made an impression on, allowing me to feel thankful that I had all these opportunities.