This week I learned something new. I learned that as much as I respect, honor, and like honesty I also hate it. I hid something from someone and finally decided to tell this person my secret. Part of me feels relieved because it is hard to hide things, especially things that have built up to a very strong degree. The other part.....
Well, the other part of me feels really stupid. I feel stupid for the fact that I had this secret and I wanted a particular outcome or closer outcome than what actually happened, but as I have learned a long time ago, "sometimes the things you want to know are the things you really don't want to know." Still does not change the stupid feeling.
I then feel stupid thinking things would improve. You ever have that feeling of "not good enough?" Sometimes you have a feeling because it truly exists. I will say it is healthy to realize it. It is true that some people are sent into our lives as lesson. Maybe I'm still learning one.
Then I feel stupid because of the type of secret I held. Sometimes you emotions try to cancel out your mind, but your mind knows better. Maybe this is why some people have a hard time making decisions. The heart stands for one side while the mind stands for another and the only way for both sides to win and remain in peace is to get rid of the subject.
So what have I learned? Being honest does not change anything. It does not change from bad to good or from good to bad. It gives home where hope wants to give up and say, "I don't care anymore." I guess if I heard those words I would be more scared. Without the care and without the peace....it all goes numb.
So with appreciation for honesty...I just don't care anymore.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
If I Could be Half of that
This passed weekend I went to a funeral of a person I did not know. I know that sentence in itself sounds a bit out of place, but I went in support of his mother, a woman I truly admire. Even though she was the only person I knew closely associated with the deceased, it was, out of all the funerals I have been to, one of the most moving and inspirational.
Watching everyone's reaction in the room was like watching a movie where you are there in the moment, but you are not part of it. I watched as the woman who had been there for some of my hard times with a simple pat on the back broke down because lying in front of us was her son. I listened as everyone told his story of his life, his job, his adventures, but mostly who he was as a person.
He was described as being smart beyond his young years, being well-known for things he had developed in his career, and passionate. For a moment I wondered what people would say at my funeral. This seems a bit selfish, but this man inspired me to be better, go further, and be more. I may not have known this man, but through his reputation I feel as though I at least got to meet him.
Unfortunately, I have my faults and I feel as though I have failed already. I ran from a situation not that long ago because I do not want to get hurt. It is hard for people to understand this feeling, but when you have been tossed so many times it is easier to run on both legs instead of landing on your knees not being able to go anywhere.
So tonight my fault led me to think of the man from this weekend. His brother described him as a risk-taker and so far all I have proven is that I am a coward. However, strength is getting back up, running back, and facing the fear no matter how much it may hurt. I did get tossed. I also realize that even though I do not want to waste time on useless things maybe I underestimated the situation. All I can do right now is pray for the outcome I so desire.
To the son, I want to thank God for sending you into my life through the memories of your family. I pray that through those memories your family eventually has peace. I want to thank you for reminding me that some day I hope to be remembered in such a glorious light that you were received in and if at some point you can stop by for a visit....I would greatly appreciate it.
-"Try" by Pink
Watching everyone's reaction in the room was like watching a movie where you are there in the moment, but you are not part of it. I watched as the woman who had been there for some of my hard times with a simple pat on the back broke down because lying in front of us was her son. I listened as everyone told his story of his life, his job, his adventures, but mostly who he was as a person.
He was described as being smart beyond his young years, being well-known for things he had developed in his career, and passionate. For a moment I wondered what people would say at my funeral. This seems a bit selfish, but this man inspired me to be better, go further, and be more. I may not have known this man, but through his reputation I feel as though I at least got to meet him.
Unfortunately, I have my faults and I feel as though I have failed already. I ran from a situation not that long ago because I do not want to get hurt. It is hard for people to understand this feeling, but when you have been tossed so many times it is easier to run on both legs instead of landing on your knees not being able to go anywhere.
So tonight my fault led me to think of the man from this weekend. His brother described him as a risk-taker and so far all I have proven is that I am a coward. However, strength is getting back up, running back, and facing the fear no matter how much it may hurt. I did get tossed. I also realize that even though I do not want to waste time on useless things maybe I underestimated the situation. All I can do right now is pray for the outcome I so desire.
To the son, I want to thank God for sending you into my life through the memories of your family. I pray that through those memories your family eventually has peace. I want to thank you for reminding me that some day I hope to be remembered in such a glorious light that you were received in and if at some point you can stop by for a visit....I would greatly appreciate it.
-"Try" by Pink
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