If It's Important To You, It's Important To Me....

Last night I was doing homework for grad school answering a discussion question that led me to think what is important to me.  My thoughts did not stop there. I started to think about my friends, my family, and what is important to them.  I thought about my relationship to these people and a big part that emphasizes the meaning of each relationship.  How do you show someone that you value that person?  You value the things that are important to them because those are the pieces that define a person.

For example, I like to write and this blog is important to me because it allows me to step out of myself to acknowledge the fact that the weird twisted thoughts I have are not limited to just my mind, but also by a select few, which may be why I am not as wide spread as other blogs.  This blog, however, is not my personal journal, but it is full of thoughts that I would normally not share in the open.  I am not always the best speaker even though that does not mean I have nothing to say.

My writing has been criticized all my life, which it should be, from school papers to being told that this is just a way to update people of what is going on in my life.  Although the critiques may leave a sore, I take them with the idea of 'corrective criticism,' which give me ideas of how to expand my audience by adding new personal touches or just all together new things in my life.  New experiences, new knowledge, new topics, etc., so I do not run out of things to write about.  I remember watching Dawson's Creek where in one episode a person's passion was described a tool used to explore every other aspect of that person's life.  Well, good grief, I think I have that covered here.

So what happens when a person starts to feel under valued in these relationships?  What happens when someone tells you that he/she do not read you writing because it is not something that person is into? Is that person not missing out on the true essence of who you are as a person. (side note: I am using this in terms of me personally, but fill in the content with your passion)  What happens when someone tells you that something you love bores that person?  I'll tell you what it does.  It makes that person be quiet or even step back from you.  By not appreciating the significance of this attribute you are not showing value in that person.

Face it, any relationship is hard and it cannot be one-sided and when there are setbacks it does not mean you cannot get back to where you were before if you both try contributing to a solution.  I will admit, right now I am struggling with issue and let me tell you...it is a MOTHERBOARD of a mess.  I am trying to find the outlet to reconnect by putting forth effort to learn more about this critical piece of a person only to feel as though I am losing a bit of myself...again.  I lost myself to another completely once, which does not nourish a relationship and this one is important to me. However, my relationship to myself is more important.  The individual will never read this, but then again, I have immediate family members who do not read it so I guess that is not any different.  I will, on the other hand, continue to try to make a connection because if it is important to you, it is important to me.  

Yes my friends, if something is important to you, it will be important to me because YOU are important to me and if I am truly going to know YOU I will explore the things that are significant to you.  I may not personally be interested in these things, but that does not mean I cannot explore them.  If you are in a show, I would try to attend a viewing to support you.  If you have a fund raiser, I would try to contribute.  If you wanted to learn to make sushi, I would...oh wait, I would kinda like to learn that. :P

You get the point,...right?

Makes Too Much Sense to Not Make Sense

When we are young, we enter school and right away we are taught the methodology of logic and reasoning.  For example, 1 + 1= 2.  How do we know this?  Hold up your index finger on your right hand.  Now hold up your index finger on your left hand. The nomenclature given to one finger is ‘one’ while the other is identified as ‘two.’  By use of this representation, it is understood how one finger and one other finger together makes two fingers.  As I write this, the idea of how something was named numerically made as much sense as to the reasoning why I can type these words, until I did some research about angles.  I'll tangent off to math some other time.

The equation 1 + 1 = 2 becomes a logical standing because the reasoning of how to get from one point to another, from A to B, or from beginning to end.  I find it odd that we always have to find a reason or a purpose in order for everything around us to MAKE SENSE.  We all have identifiers that explain why something or someone is the way it is, which also leads to stereotypes.  For instance, if I give the phrase 'movie star' a person is more likely to think of fame, money, or even a specific movie star's reputation.  If I use a different term of 'homeless person,' people may associate this phrase with a person who was lazy, drinks a lot, and deemed all around worthless (although Youtube has proved otherwise).

Society uses reasoning for labels and standards, doctors use it to backtrack how to prevent a disease, and scientist use it to determine where are beginning and end even exist.  With all this work trying to make sense of things, you would think that we would have more answers to make sense of everything reflecting upon how far we have already come.  The difference is that there are too many variables that exist.  A disease that has developed in two different people does not always develop the same way, thus using the same approach to heal or prevent the disease is not logical.

So what do we do when something follows logic and 'makes sense,' but ends with a different result?  Some people get flabbergasted, go insane, freak out, because every step that took place was suppose to end the same way as other cases.  It was suppose to be a proven fact, multiple tests were done, there should not have been a doubt, why did this not turn out, what was wrong........Ok, I think you get the understanding of potential panic mode due to a difference, but sometimes trying to find the reason is the most illogical part of making sense.

I guess through all my verbal vomit I am trying to figure out how something so right could go so wrong?  How could something so easy get to the final step and become hard?  How is it that you can almost have something you have desired for a long time only to have it slip away at your finger tips?  I do not understand and in the midst of confusion many contributors do not make sense, if not contradict themselves.  Now beyond my personal headache from mentally spinning around in circles over an issue that should be easy and make sense, I know in my mind that you cannot predict everything and not everything has a specified label.  Then there is the part of me that contains the hair pulling steps of logic that once 'made sense' and is learning to accept that now is not the time to over think, but move to another path in hopes to ....'make sense' of things.

Sidebar: In case you are interested, watch the movie 'Someone Like You' where a woman tries to makes sense of a situation, thinks she fails, and ultimately proves her initial outcome.

One Personal Limit; The Personal Wall

I recently read an article by Alexia LaFata called If You're Friends First, Then You're More Likely To Have A Successful Relationship that discusses the giving of one's self to another and I am not talking in reference to intercourse.  I am talking about allowing another person to know everything about you like where you came from, what you have done in your life until that moment, and the things that make you the craziest person the individual is ever going to meet.  For me, it is the last option that troubles me.

Admittedly, like any other person, I have had my share of trials and tribulations (ah hell I'm still sailing that ship), but I have succeeded to keep my infamous 'wall' up in fear.  You see, humans are animals of habit and after X amount of years of doing things on my own it is hard to allow someone else to offer up their arms to catch me if I fall.  When I needed help financially I found a way to do things myself because I did not want to be in debt to anyone.  When it came to making hard decisions I may consult with close friends, but ultimately I had a habit of taking the hardest task and finding a way to survive it.  I probably could name a few more details here and there, but at one point in my life things were secure and somehow I lost control.


So after building this mental strength I began to think that 'if I do it myself, I am not in debt to anyone and if I fail it is my fault and no one else's.'  Makes sense, right?

It is at this point that I appreciate that you can never stop learning no matter your age knowing that everything you knew before has loopholes or tangents off into another direction you were not completely prepared.  I will admit that there have been people whom I wanted to share information with, whom I wanted tell everything about myself to, or that I just wanted to verbally vomit/pour myself out to although some things got in the way and prevented that one proverbial brick to be moved.  Some instances the individual did not listen because what that person had to share was more important.  Other times I may have shared enough that it was like a terribly loaded gun and backfired on me.  What inevitably happens is pain and no one likes pain.  Some people can deal with it while others get stabbed to the extreme that it is hard to let go of what little you can control.  

Some of what holds a sense of security is the value of life.  To me, when the other person becomes more valuable than your own life there is the creation of a risk to have that 'wall' fall, but if that security is not returned it is hard to let go.  It is like the safety net at the circus for the trapeze artists, if the net is not secure there is no performance, there is no room for error should you need to let go and be caught.  So how do we determine the 'net' is secure?  Well, that is a personal standard.  I, for instance, am not one to respond to a look on a person's face that says, 'Yeah? Ok.  Cool.  Say did you know that I...'  So much for listening, huh?  

It is tough to allow a guest inside in hopes that person will stay, but we try over and over again.  I will only admit it here, but as much as I try to stay completely closed I still have to peek over the wall.  I also try to be the person I want in my  life whether it is through a random card sent in the mail as a 'hug' when there are miles that separate two people, the surprise of waiting at a vehicle with a Coke and mint to initiate a caring conversation, or any other random act that says,'I know you needed this and because it matters to you, it matters to me.'  Making the things that are relevant to others significant to you is the path to the 'wall,'...where a door can be made to let you in.:D

Dear Jiminy, I Stopped Believing in Fairy-tales....

You ever have those moments or days where suddenly everything that you once knew seems different as though you are seeing it for the first time?  Ever wonder if that moment is suppose to be 'eye opening' or 'eye closing'?  Ever wish you could go back to the way you saw things before your figurative eye sight change?

The first movie I remember seeing in the movie theater, even though my mother would beg to differ, was The Little Mermaid.  As a little girl I remember wishing my eyes were blue and sparkled like Ariel's, that my voice was as mesmerizing as hers, and that I would have a prince to be as passionate about as Eric.  I remember wanting to be her so much that I would practice my scales the same way they are sung in the movie, but even though I was nothing like her I still imagined myself as the star of my life, beautiful and precious in every way and that everyone should treat me as royalty.  Reflecting on this thought probably makes me appear that I was a spoiled brat, which I probably was until I prayed and received siblings, but in the mind of  a growing imagination my thoughts were positive in the idea of placing value on myself.

Later Disney produced the movie Beauty and the Beast, which has since been my favorite movie.  Why?  Because we can all identify with Belle and the Beast.  Some days I wake up and I feel ugly and crampy like the Beast while other times I still believe that some day I will be a princess.

It was not until a recent feeling of apathetic healing that the chant, 'I do, I do, I do believe in fairies,' entered my mind in the voice of a child and soon....it was gone leaving only the adult voice saying, 'Life is not a fairy-tale.'  This thought came to me in front of a mirror and as I looked up I could have sworn I saw the once glisten of a twinkle disappear into a tear.  My apathetic composure had suffocated the childish hope right out of me.

I began to think about the chant that entered my mind, which stemmed from the 2003 version of Peter Pan starring the blue-eyed cutie Jeremy Sumpter, and realized that my belief of a world imagined is not necessarily the avoidance of reality, but the hope and prayer of possibilities.  The fairy-tale of every Disney princess is to find a prince or find someone to share the journey and the story of your life.  The fairy-tale of Peter Pan or Robin Hood is a possibility of adventure, fighting for something better than what currently exists.  A fairy- tale exists exists to inspire that there is always something to reach for, something beyond what ever is in front of us, and the possibility of 'reaching for a star' to become something magnificent.  Do I still sound like a dreamer?

Possibilities.....hope...they start to blend together if you think about them too long until the existence of apathy moves in.  It does not mean you lose your imagination, but it does mean the temporary ending of the vision of possibilities.  I guess this is where I lost my original 'eye sight' wishing I could turn back time to once again avoid reality.  The only thing left to say is......Dear 'Jiminy', I stopped believing in fairy-tales the way you wanted me to......

Suppression, a Misinterpreted Language

Every day we try to find answers to questions in order to make sense of our world, but sometimes the answers we get are the ones we hoped we would not receive.  I came across a quote recently that I cannot seem to get out of my head by Alice Cooper saying:

'I try to teach my heart not to want things it can't have.'

How?  How do you teach a heart to want something you did not know it wanted until it actually wanted something?  The only answer that I have personally come across is to suppress or build a wall between you and the heart's desire distancing the two because as you walk further way the heart learns to survive on less with each step in the opposite direction.  Figuratively, I turn around and make one step.  Now the only hold is by the finger tips. Step two through seven, there is no contact except the memories.  Step seven to ten, I let go of the memories, good and bad, eventually erasing them as if they did not exist. Steps ten through twenty, I stand tall and stick that annoying voice of hope that held on to the memories and shove it in my pocket so as not to hear it screaming at me. Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three,......it starts to disappear, which to some existence could be healthy allowing something true to take its place that wants to be there or for the fact that the extra weight is gone.

I guess at times this is where my hope tests the waters to find the truth until I have made too many tests and my 'water' is gone.  I feel as though I recently came across this fact and moments of irony begin to emerge.

'Are you okay?' leads to, 'I'm fine.'-----> The truth:  I'm not fine, but I cannot let go of the truth because it would hurt to face it.

'Why are you running away?' leads to, 'I'm not running.'---->The truth:  I need to get away.  I need some space from the situation because I do not feel wanted here anyway.

The truths soon become a sentence of opposite with the determination that the actual words mean what is being said.  It is no wonder that things get misinterpreted, but if I convince you of their meaning then I can convince myself of the same forsaken truth.  Guess what?  It does not work right away so to follow in suit I must slowly build my wall one brick at a time and I continue the steps in walking away. As it is said, 'Rome wasn't built in a day.'

Step one.......

Lies, Deceit, and Anger--The Gift of Trusting Life

Society likes to view things as fate, destiny, or even base it on instinct that are based on our beliefs that center around religion, tradition, culture, or our own spirituality.  When I was younger I trusted my instinct when it came to making decisions.  As I got older the belief of guidance from my own instinct became a fairy tale as if I had Pinocchio's conscience, Jiminy Cricket.

Sadly I fell into a trap by not trusting myself, the one person I should have put more trust in.  I made the wrong choice in a commitment, lost myself, and was able to regain a bit of me back, only more cautious. Trust is a gift that we, inevitably, lose to the wrong person, but like bumper cars, a simple thump can redirect us in the right direction.

Beyond the lies of my ex I have worked hard to trust the new people that come into my life, being told that I should give people the benefit of the doubt like the justice system, innocent until proven guilty.  After a few more years, alterations to the plan of my life, I now have many different 'signs' that are 'bumping' me into what may be a new direction.  

Last year I had planned to stay with my job one more year to save up enough money to move until I was let go as the company decided to downsize since they were not able to handle unforeseen complications.  I do not know how many of you were taught this, but life does not stop even if you do.  You cannot push fast-forward, you cannot rewind, and you cannot just stop life to secure a grip on reality.  I figured no matter the path I take I would still have my friends.

I hate to say it, but sometimes the things we think are true never actually existed in the first place and the people who I thought were friends were the hypocrites that they criticized.  I like to think that life offers the 'three strikes and your out' theory to everything, in which I have succeeded gracefully.  I experienced a tightening of a relationship when one friend, who verbally expressed a deep form of love, first lied to a large group of people the reasons that this person changed the course of the individual's life.  You cannot blame people for the choices you make and you cannot blame someone for not loving you when you did not love that person.  This person claimed a change in life plans was not of the individual's own doing, but of the control of another.  Shortly after this expression, the individual put trust in another, believing that I had betrayed the person's trust.  One question I ask is if we were truly friends, as close as you say we were then you would know better than to believe the lie, correct? If you truly were a trustworthy person, you would not have lied to millions of people of how to betrayed another human being, correct?  And if you truly were not a hypocrite, you would not be seeking the companionship of people who you never wanted to be in the presence of anyway, correct?

Now I am sad that this happened because I truly cared for the person, but I realize that this is a thump that I must now redirect from.  The second strike was trusting the person who started the rumor about me to begin with.  Just so everyone knows, there is more to telling a lie than the words that come out of your mouth.  Your body and voice speak volumes in correlation with the words that you choose to use as you speak your lies, not to mention if you cannot face something directly then you might as well let it go and find a new hobby.

Counting the thuds, the bumps, and bruises I began to realize lies follow a chain reaction and those in association with the initial domino continue to fall after the fact.  Translation? Those in association to liars do not need your acknowledgement, respect, or friendship either.  We choose people in accordance to our values as we are more likely to respect them, but this often leaves us to find people come and people go.  No matter the mere value of the time period a person is in your life, the person holds value to teach us a lesson.

When I was younger I learned the value of lies until I learned that honesty is more valuable and lies now leave me angry, specifically when they are meant to hurt another.  So where does that leave me?  Back to trusting my intuition and realizing that not everyone can remain in one place all the time and as I evolve, so do others around me using their own 'bumps' as guidance for their lives. We 'bump' and then we move in another direction.  Whoever said life was a roller coaster misread the fine print that the ride was a bumper car with millions of milestones to overcome in ever which direction.