Embrace the Beauty in Darkness

The last few days I tried to rest my mind, but unfortunately, it is processing difficult problems in many venues of my personal life as well as others leaving me what others may describe as a bit dark.  It is common in society that 'dark' is negatively foreseen to cause damage in the simple comparison that light is assumed to be the reflection of an angel while dark is the reflection of a demon.  However, what if dark was actually beautiful and the ignorance of society was completely overlooking what could be a solution instead of a problem?

With society's stereotypical idea that dark is bad and light is good we seem to forget that without one we do not have the other, that means the two words define each other working hand in hand like any healthy relationship should.  To simplify, it is called balance or sometimes referred to as a theory based on Ying and Yang.  Light cannot exist without dark, but keep in mind that in many myths or legends that dark was created from light, but that is another tangent that is not meant for the analyzation of this blog.  So if one cannot exist without the other, how does that make dark labeled bad when it is actually doing ‘good’ in defining light?

Beyond the definition of the angel on one shoulder and the demon on the other, everyone has a light and dark side to their personality at some point in time, which is part of compatibility with others and our environment.  This can be something we become codependent upon, but what if it is something that we utilize and turn into something good?  For example,  as I write this it is October, which is a month commonly known for Breast Cancer awareness, which to society is bad because it is something that kills, taking some of the most precious people in our lives and trust me, I know this feeling as someone was taken from me due to this illness.  Now think of everything that has birthed from the condition that is labeled bad or even a dark topic to discuss and consider.  Society is trying to find cures for the illness and trying to prevent it from ever developing in the first place, which would mean people would live longer when the realization is that we all die at some point.  Now if someone close to you has passed away from the illness, think about the impact that person had on you to which I am sure most of you cannot tell me there was any darkness associated with this person.  In fact, if the person was anything like the person close to me that passed away from the illness, that person was rather inspiring who empowered those around her/him because of that person’s big heart.  We hear stories of people who have cancer and how they make a difference with their outlook on life, which inspires people around them, so how can something as dark as this disease be completely bad?  I apologize if this is misinterpreted into some morbid psychopathic idea and anyone is offended as this is not my intention.

Subsequently, what are my true thoughts on something being described as dark?  I believe that it is a type of inspiration that gives the ability to see everyday things in our lives through a different perspective allowing us to explore new aspects of life that are meant to teach us something.  With this in mind I think of artists that produce dark form of art in visual forms, literary forms, or even musically.  Considering I spend most of my time in the literary world, I think of how popular the writings of Edgar Allan Poe have become after the man has long since passed away and how misunderstood his darkness was to the world during his time.  Today some consider him a magnificent writer beyond his time even those around him did not understand the beauty in his writings only to deem him as crazy. 

So, when did dark become something negative instead of being used as a tool utilized in the progression of something positive?  Could something dark be the first step on a path to  something great that would change many life-altering things or be an obstacle to challenge and prove our self-worth? How would stories end in ‘happily-ever-after’ if there were no darkness or would the story-line not have anything to aspire to become? 

Why not embrace the power darkness to give you the power to direct you to the light, for is it not in darkness we dream in the night leading us to become something inspiring during the light of day?

 from: photo.99px.ru

Simple and Small Pleasures: Stop to smell the roses

In a previous post I referenced something I call "The Proximity Drug," which is basically the high feeling you get from being around particular people, but then there are those simple small pleasures in life that make you smile for just a brief moment realizing that you are where you are needed.  I have one of these every so often and lately it has been more frequent.

I never really started to pay attention to these moments until about a month ago.  I was having a terrible day, the kind where you realize you should have never gotten out of bed, so I ditched my regular healthy diet and decided to get a bacon cheeseburger pizza slice from the pizza joint down the street from where I was working at the time.  I used to frequent this place at least once a week for the bacon cheeseburger pizza specifically until one of the employees there knew my order by heart.  I will say I appreciate when that happens because it makes their service faster as well as me getting to eating faster.  Anyway, I had not visited the pizza place for quite some time, so to walk in to be acknowledged like I was a missed friend felt great.  Not only had I felt special for being missed, but I had recently become a blonde and was self-conscious on the change.  The employee took a second look at me with a smile on his face as he got my pizza for me.  

Me: "What?"

Employee: "I like your hair."

Me: "Oh, thanks"

Employee: "It is really pretty and brings out your eyes."

Yes, I blushed, I'll admit it.  However, my self-conscious feeling dissipated.  Until that one brief moment, my day had weighted me down to the point that I did not care about anything, but that one employee changed all that.  No, my day did not change too much, but my attitude did.  I felt safe and secure enough to conquer the world, even though that is not my quest in life.  I could....I could be Wonder Woman, confident enough to walk around in crazy bright spandex.  HAHA...Nah!  Either way, I felt good.

Within the last month or two, I became a member of the YMCA with the intention to improve my health on my own like I had done before, but to also just pass under the radar of anyone there because of certain painful situations that I intended to avoid. My weight began to plateau, so I thought I would try something new by adding a group fitness class.  

I took the Zumba class since I had a bit of experience thinking I could sink into the background.  I do not know what happened, but by golly Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was removed.  I remember one day one of the people from class asked how I was doing as she knew a little bit about some challenges I was and am currently still facing.  I am cursed with vague honesty, so I told her that I was basically 'hanging in there.'  Then she said something that I did not expect.  I could not believe the words came out of her mouth since I barely knew her and once they were set free I prayed that my face did not reveal the shock I was in.  She told me she had been praying for me.  Now, I am not the most religious person nor am I not a religious person...it's complicated right now, but those words stayed in my head for a long time.  They actually still  come back to me at certain moments (like this one).  Since then, this person has inadvertently done a few other things that I appreciate or needed motivation for, but for now I might just ride the inspiration until it is time to tell her, "You made a difference in my life, thank you."

There have been other brief moments like when one of the desk jockies acknowledges my attendance at the gym or even a brief acknowledgement from a familiar face with a smile that makes you want to smile also.  So, you see stopping to smell the roses is not a waste of time as some may think, but more of a small gift that is given in small doses to make sure you appreciate every piece individually and then as a whole.  I am hoping that at some point in my life I could/can/am this type of inspiration to someone else because to me it is a very rewarding position, but for now I am going to be gracious for this tidbits and smell a few more roses on the way.

The Almighty 'Out'

In our lives many of us come across a fork in the road where we know we are suppose to pick one way when we really want the other path, but should we take the other path a feeling of guilt will overcome us.  No one wants to feel guilty and no one wants to be punished for wanting what they want.  I understand this feeling, so when the option is presented to someone I know and it concerns me I offer the other option without the guilt.

However, tonight was the first time I was asked not to do this, which of course left me confused.  You see, in my experience, I do not recall being the path that is  chosen even when the other path is full of guilt.  I figured that if I remove myself from the equation I have control over my feelings of potentially being hurt that I was the second choice and by doing so I am ultimately in control.  There would be no guilt for the other person and no pain for me, which did give me a feeling of freedom because it was my choice and not the choice of the other person.  The down side to this is that I knew deep inside that every time I did this I was sacrificing to be the second choice, I did not feel the need to fight to be first.  It all made sense, until tonight.

I thought about this for awhile trying to figure out why this request shocked me.  As I rehashed the conversation small pieces seemed to expose responses with which I was not familiar.  I told this person I was offering an out knowing that this  person would rather being doing whatever other task was on the individual's mind, but the response was, "I don't need an out."  

I don't need an out.  I...don't need an out. I don't....need an out.

The words repeated in my head as I tried to examine them.  You see, I have this habit of dissecting what people say to find out the true meaning instead of the assumed meaning because long ago I learned that sometimes people tell you things without actually telling you, but I could not shake this phrase.  

I tried different emphasis, different organization like changing don't to do not, and I even changed out synonyms for the same words.  I don't need an out, I do not need an out, I do not want you to give me an out, I do not want the option of a second choice where you feel you need to give me an out......

Now maybe I am wrong in my development, but when I person does not want the option of a second choice it means that person wants just one and only first choice.  If you do not want to pick the other thing you desire, that leaves only...me.  I inadvertently became this person's first choice.  I will admit that this is something that I need to get used to feeling, but the sad part is that it should not have taken this person for me to be a first choice.  I should have owned the first place spot from the beginning. For some situations, the opt-out selection may be a wise choice as not all battles are important, but those times when I should have been the only choice I should have fought back.

So with respect I will try not to offer the sacrifice of the almighty 'out,'even though old habits die hard, but I will also appreciate the option this friend has shown me.  Between you and me....it is nice to be chosen first for a change.

The Proximity Drug

The past week has been hard for me for specific life adjustments that are recurring.  I still have no idea why certain paths like this are made and repeated, but I am holding on to the belief that everything happens for a reason. However, on this journey I have come across some people who have kept me focused by implanting some stability in a positive attitude.  What I am referring to is the situation of being between jobs.  There is fear of worst case scenarios and then there is the appreciation of a little time to do what you have been wanting to do for some time, like write.

Last time this happened, I lost some extra weight, finished some documents for grad school, and found a new love in exercise.  I took it a bit further and joined a gym knowing that I needed a bit extra in my life instead of the same routine exercise for my body.  My goal was to just concentrate on my health, but somehow some people slipped under my radar.  Now if you know me well enough, you will know that I am not the type to trust others with the most vulnerable side of me (yes, that deep dark mysterious hole in my heart that is never to be understood-ok, that was actually a bit of a joke), but after a life made of lies I chose to step out of my comfort zone by giving a little trust to a person unless they provide some reason for a background search. However, based on the atmosphere of the gym I have felt comfortable and safe there whether I am alone or not.

So I established a membership with the idea to blend in and 'lose myself in the crowd' theory of self preservation until one person said 'hi' and asked for my name because I was new to a fitness class. I'll be honest and say that this happened a couple times with different instructors, which for me was hard because I no longer blended.  Instead, I stood out.  Another incident was when one of, what I like to call, desk jockies pointed out to me how often I would show up to work out.  Once again, more confusion on the fact that I was noticed and shock because it seemed just a little out of the ordinary that someone was keeping track of me.  

These situations had taken place after a month of membership and I started to question why these particular people were in my life because it could not have been by chance that I was noticed.  I somewhat thought a bit that maybe something or someone (depending upon your spirituality) was keeping track of me and that I just had to trust wherever I was going.  I sometimes still doubt the path, but like the idea of Hansel and Gretel, I follow my trail of breadcrumbs to the gym....because after I eat them I'll need to burn them off. (Had to add some sarcasm to that.)  

Anyway, I have become accustom to the feeling or almost natural high from the atmosphere at the gym and the people there.  These people have established what I will call "The Proximity Drug" into my life.  Proximity is how close you are to something whether measured in space, time, or relationship.  I know this may say a bit about my age, but this idea brought me back to an episode on Dawson's Creek where Pacey Witter told Joey Potter why he would follow her even when she return the feelings he had for her.  He said:

"I mean, when you like somebody, proximity is a good thing regardless of how they feel about you. Or don't, as the case may be."

Why is this important you may ask?  Well, it is important to me because those people at the gym make me better by giving me something better.  There are people there who I just want to see for only a minute because I can share an intellectual conversation with that I am not getting from other areas in my life.  There are people who kick my butt to get off it and tell me every time they see me that I'm going to be okay, which forces me to focus on positive things and look at life in a rough situation with a smile.  There are people who miss me in a form that is a bit on a professional side, but the knowledge that I made an impact is comforting because that person would notice if I was gone.  Finally, there are some people there who, out of nowhere, tell me more about them than I need to know only to hunt me down later because I am their "proximity drug."

Honestly, I do not know what this year is going to bring, how it will end, or if I will ever feel completely safe as I worry about my financial well-being, but somehow I trust in the strength of proximity because it has gotten me this far.  Sometimes we just need to let go so we are able to follow whatever is leading us because even though that journey is meant to strengthen us, it does not mean that we will not need a little help along the pathway.