Today I was sorting through some of my boxes. I had to figure out what was mine and what I really wanted to keep. It was nice to unpack my books and figure out where I wanted to start reading again. I looked at all my binders remembering how organized I used to be or was going to be...again.
Back in the early 2000s I was in college for vocal music performance. I wanted to show my passion to the world through music. Yes, to those of you who don't know much about me I once did a lot of singing and song writing mostly on the piano that is until a professor told me in a small amount of words that ...I sucked. I quit then. I did not want anything to do with music after that. I tried business, but somehow that did not fit. I got my cosmetology license, was a licensed billing agent, and now I am a claims examiner.
You ever wonder when things go wrong what would have happened if you had taken the other road? Some days I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen music over a life. I wonder what would have happened had I been more extroverted in college and who would have been a part of my life. I feel I have a strong life. There is a lot of strength. There was a divorce, being an adult at 7, knowing something was wrong when certain family members looked at me with their religious hypocritical views, and then how my marriage fell to a divorce. I never wanted to get divorced.
Strength, it's my word for life and how I live it. It's how I want to be and who I want to be. Strength, is a word that is going to be permanently a part of my life.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Perspective priorities
Some things change what we do, who we are with, and how we look at the world. Some times we fall flat on our face only to bruise. Other times our pain is more than just physical and need MUCH longer to heal. Sometimes it doesn't go away.
Besides all the pain and joy that we go through in life, what is our main priority? I started to think about this more really early this morning as a good friend of mine asked me 'Why do you blame yourself? Why does it have to be something wrong with you and not them?'. My answer/thoughts, it had to be me because I am the only thing I can fix or even change. As I wrote in a story, 'I thought if only I could have improved, would he have loved me more? If I could have been the woman he was really attracted to, would ever have loved me?'. I have also been taught that if you don't like something, change it or change how you look at it.
So, after some deep thinking I am changing how I look at where I am right now. I don't play games anymore, unless it is the occasional board game like 'LIFE'. Games are for people who are fake and really do not know what they want. I on the other hand know that I am not going to live here for the rest of my life. There is nothing holding me here after my business is done. I also know that I want more out of life than what I have now. I always want to be better than I was before. I want to grow and experience as much as I can.
I set my perspective where it should be. Writing. My concentration should be set on 'who [I] want to be.' I think it is time to head back to Paris.
Besides all the pain and joy that we go through in life, what is our main priority? I started to think about this more really early this morning as a good friend of mine asked me 'Why do you blame yourself? Why does it have to be something wrong with you and not them?'. My answer/thoughts, it had to be me because I am the only thing I can fix or even change. As I wrote in a story, 'I thought if only I could have improved, would he have loved me more? If I could have been the woman he was really attracted to, would ever have loved me?'. I have also been taught that if you don't like something, change it or change how you look at it.
So, after some deep thinking I am changing how I look at where I am right now. I don't play games anymore, unless it is the occasional board game like 'LIFE'. Games are for people who are fake and really do not know what they want. I on the other hand know that I am not going to live here for the rest of my life. There is nothing holding me here after my business is done. I also know that I want more out of life than what I have now. I always want to be better than I was before. I want to grow and experience as much as I can.
I set my perspective where it should be. Writing. My concentration should be set on 'who [I] want to be.' I think it is time to head back to Paris.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
No drama
I think Mary J. Blige basically takes the words right out of my mouth on this one. Why waste your time feeling sorry for yourself when you can actually change your own stars?
I know a girl who developed this habit of becoming every man's 'damsel in distress.' It amazed me how she would tell this 'pity me' story and the guys would crumble at her feet wanting to save her. Somehow, this was appealing. The men followed her as if she were some drug. How did it go from "I'll save you" to a sincere " Thinking of you" as if they had fallen in love with her ?
With every general thing in life there is so much drama. Why do people have to bring in more for attention? I may have my own drama, but it not only affects me. I don't want pity, I don't want to be saved because I am here saving myself. I didn't see you here.
This is why I write here on this blog because somebody somewhere is going through the same thing I am. Someone may need some inspiration and this is where I can just bear the truth letting my heart spill on the page.
To be honest, my drama is getting closer to being over and then it will be time for me to move on and away. After today I am a bit...no, very much relieved. I am very thankful for news that I received. As I look around me, I realize all that I have accomplished. I knew who I was at 23 years old and now that I am 27 years old I am starting to find that person back. She is someone I can be proud of.
I know a girl who developed this habit of becoming every man's 'damsel in distress.' It amazed me how she would tell this 'pity me' story and the guys would crumble at her feet wanting to save her. Somehow, this was appealing. The men followed her as if she were some drug. How did it go from "I'll save you" to a sincere " Thinking of you" as if they had fallen in love with her ?
With every general thing in life there is so much drama. Why do people have to bring in more for attention? I may have my own drama, but it not only affects me. I don't want pity, I don't want to be saved because I am here saving myself. I didn't see you here.
This is why I write here on this blog because somebody somewhere is going through the same thing I am. Someone may need some inspiration and this is where I can just bear the truth letting my heart spill on the page.
To be honest, my drama is getting closer to being over and then it will be time for me to move on and away. After today I am a bit...no, very much relieved. I am very thankful for news that I received. As I look around me, I realize all that I have accomplished. I knew who I was at 23 years old and now that I am 27 years old I am starting to find that person back. She is someone I can be proud of.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The good, the bad, the...weird??
Tonight I was at my second job and somehow now have the nickname 'Dancing Queen.' I could say it was accidental sniffing of toilet bowl, but that would be a lie. I have to admit, yes my reader, if you know me best you know I'm weird. :D
Three years ago I did not care what anyone thought and now I'm trying to return to me. I became something that someone else wanted me to be. I don't understand how he was attracted to me, but I was never good enough. (Probably because I was not Carrie Underwood or had her paycheck to match). Either way after five months I realize I'm not dead yet.
If you read this you may not know me yet and that's okay because I would love to have a conversation with you. My life is so organized 'from locked door to locked door.' I crave spontaneous moments. What am I talking about exactly right? Well,
.....truth or dare in a van that has two sliding doors.
.....heading home at 2am in the middle of winter.
.....having a bad day and getting my first tattoo.
.....running through a sprinkler to pretend I was 5 and do a cartwheel.
....dancing at work or my favorite of dancing in the rain.
....singing in the middle of a doctor's office at the top of my lungs.
....running wildly around a building for no apparent reason.
....etc.
I want to skydive, bungee jump, own a motorcycle (more specifically be a biker b***h on a Harley). I want to continue my goal to visit Paris, maybe Italy. I love swimming, being suspended in almost nothingness.
So I am passionate and dream big....when did that become known as weird?
With love, IVS
Three years ago I did not care what anyone thought and now I'm trying to return to me. I became something that someone else wanted me to be. I don't understand how he was attracted to me, but I was never good enough. (Probably because I was not Carrie Underwood or had her paycheck to match). Either way after five months I realize I'm not dead yet.
If you read this you may not know me yet and that's okay because I would love to have a conversation with you. My life is so organized 'from locked door to locked door.' I crave spontaneous moments. What am I talking about exactly right? Well,
.....truth or dare in a van that has two sliding doors.
.....heading home at 2am in the middle of winter.
.....having a bad day and getting my first tattoo.
.....running through a sprinkler to pretend I was 5 and do a cartwheel.
....dancing at work or my favorite of dancing in the rain.
....singing in the middle of a doctor's office at the top of my lungs.
....running wildly around a building for no apparent reason.
....etc.
I want to skydive, bungee jump, own a motorcycle (more specifically be a biker b***h on a Harley). I want to continue my goal to visit Paris, maybe Italy. I love swimming, being suspended in almost nothingness.
So I am passionate and dream big....when did that become known as weird?
With love, IVS
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
What do you mean?
Yes folks, it's your verbal vomitteer here. No, that is not a mouseketeer or even one of the 3 musketeers. It is a person who is going to give you the honest truth because it needs to be said and yes, THAT is my definition for MY word.
Today during my break from work I went for a walk. Lately I have had a lot on my mind and no outlet. Thank goodness for a blog, right? I started to think back to the past week and things that had been said to me.
'You know why divorce cost so much, right? Because it's worth it.' Yes, this one made the top at this time. First, the person who said it is a bit MIA. Second, at the rate my husband keeps running from the law this may cost me more than I expected. So, the choice was this or die. My life is worth it.
The second comes from a moment when I wanted to run away, disappear, and start my life over. 'Yes, I mind. I'd miss you.....Don't leave me.' As hard as it may seem to you, the reader, I rarely hear or see words like this referred to me. I don't know if there may not have been a 'right moment' for it or if my life did not require it. I keep looking at these words wondering 'Are they really for me? Did this person not get the memo?' I don't know.
'DO not lose contact with me.' Are you kidding me? Yes, I'm going to second guess this a bit (less only because of who said it). After reading that I ask myself, 'why me?'. Do you realize how many times I have to read that to potentially understand the truth in it? I like this person as well, neat person, who from the day I met him has gotten 'it.' (note: if you do not know what 'it' is, then you don't get 'it') Somehow he has always understood.
'You're amazing...you're pretty lovable.' Sounded cheesy to me, but because of who it was from I knew this person would not lie. Now if I can keep remembering this and associate it with myself, life would then make sense once again.
I also remember a time when I was starting out on my own. I had no close friends in the area, a bit like my life now. I had no close family, a bit like my life now with one minor exception. During this time I was a bit intimidated or scared of what could possibly happen to me because I had no one close to call. I mean what would happen if I ended up in the hospital? Then the golden words from a person I worked with and yet barely knew at the time. 'I'll come visit you.' I was speechless. This person became a good friend of mine, but at the time I could not fathom why. I will say it was a bit of a life-changing moment.
Now for the bomb. 'I love you'. Any of you who read this may not understand what is going on in my life right now, know that these words mean absolutely nothing to me. I may say them meaning I care about the particular person a lot, but 'love' is thrown around to much. People have said it to me in the last 5 months and I think until I can look myself in the mirror and forgive myself I do not believe this word applies to me.
Surprisingly, I don't know what to say from here. I wonder if what we say or hear has to do a lot with who it comes from. Is it a person we know well? trust? believe? Yes, yes, and yes. Good thing I keep these words close as a reminder. Can't lose yourself this way. :)
Today during my break from work I went for a walk. Lately I have had a lot on my mind and no outlet. Thank goodness for a blog, right? I started to think back to the past week and things that had been said to me.
'You know why divorce cost so much, right? Because it's worth it.' Yes, this one made the top at this time. First, the person who said it is a bit MIA. Second, at the rate my husband keeps running from the law this may cost me more than I expected. So, the choice was this or die. My life is worth it.
The second comes from a moment when I wanted to run away, disappear, and start my life over. 'Yes, I mind. I'd miss you.....Don't leave me.' As hard as it may seem to you, the reader, I rarely hear or see words like this referred to me. I don't know if there may not have been a 'right moment' for it or if my life did not require it. I keep looking at these words wondering 'Are they really for me? Did this person not get the memo?' I don't know.
'DO not lose contact with me.' Are you kidding me? Yes, I'm going to second guess this a bit (less only because of who said it). After reading that I ask myself, 'why me?'. Do you realize how many times I have to read that to potentially understand the truth in it? I like this person as well, neat person, who from the day I met him has gotten 'it.' (note: if you do not know what 'it' is, then you don't get 'it') Somehow he has always understood.
'You're amazing...you're pretty lovable.' Sounded cheesy to me, but because of who it was from I knew this person would not lie. Now if I can keep remembering this and associate it with myself, life would then make sense once again.
I also remember a time when I was starting out on my own. I had no close friends in the area, a bit like my life now. I had no close family, a bit like my life now with one minor exception. During this time I was a bit intimidated or scared of what could possibly happen to me because I had no one close to call. I mean what would happen if I ended up in the hospital? Then the golden words from a person I worked with and yet barely knew at the time. 'I'll come visit you.' I was speechless. This person became a good friend of mine, but at the time I could not fathom why. I will say it was a bit of a life-changing moment.
Now for the bomb. 'I love you'. Any of you who read this may not understand what is going on in my life right now, know that these words mean absolutely nothing to me. I may say them meaning I care about the particular person a lot, but 'love' is thrown around to much. People have said it to me in the last 5 months and I think until I can look myself in the mirror and forgive myself I do not believe this word applies to me.
Surprisingly, I don't know what to say from here. I wonder if what we say or hear has to do a lot with who it comes from. Is it a person we know well? trust? believe? Yes, yes, and yes. Good thing I keep these words close as a reminder. Can't lose yourself this way. :)
Monday, September 12, 2011
To whom does the 'Law' really apply
Alright folks, this is up for debate all around the yard. Please feel free to comment as you will in helping me understand the goals of our honorary judicial system. Remember sarcasm is always included, so if you do not understand...please don't waste your time.
How does a man who beats his wife get his case continued 3 times? Yes folks, three. Not one, not two, do not pass 'GO', do not collect $200, but three times. A man who physically hit and kicked his wife seems to be a no big deal issue to the court. I ask you judges, lawyers, people of the jury,....WHY?!
Let's try this thought on for size. Let's reverse the roles and have it be me who physically abused him. Do we care now? I'll poll the audience and obtain a rumored 'yes.' I want to know, because I am female, does that make me an object? Does this make me a possession? Which ever way you view me, why can you not see me at least as a human with equal rights? Why the laziness and inefficiency in correcting a wrong? Let me get this straight from a different view. If he had killed me as a result of this abuse, do we act now or CONTINUE to hold our peace as if nothing happened?
I'm frustrated and trying to understand why you, as the people appointed to protect us as Americans, do not do something. I'm frustrated at the fact that issues like this continue and are expected to be resolved on their own. I am frustrated that I should even have to write this when you have yet to find my husband, who:
....left his vows on the doorstep for the dog to shit on.
....kidnapped a human being almost leaving her to die in a corner.
....continues to spread his godforsaken seed when he should be required to have a license because he is so unintelligent, but it doesn't matter. It's only one case right? WRONG! He has 4 other charges and you have to question the worthiness of this one. It's called a 'repeat offender.'
Explain it to me, anyone. I'm open for some sort of understanding because after huddling to protect my life and crying at Goodyear to figure out what to do, I believe I have the divine right confess the truth. Believe it or not.
How does a man who beats his wife get his case continued 3 times? Yes folks, three. Not one, not two, do not pass 'GO', do not collect $200, but three times. A man who physically hit and kicked his wife seems to be a no big deal issue to the court. I ask you judges, lawyers, people of the jury,....WHY?!
Let's try this thought on for size. Let's reverse the roles and have it be me who physically abused him. Do we care now? I'll poll the audience and obtain a rumored 'yes.' I want to know, because I am female, does that make me an object? Does this make me a possession? Which ever way you view me, why can you not see me at least as a human with equal rights? Why the laziness and inefficiency in correcting a wrong? Let me get this straight from a different view. If he had killed me as a result of this abuse, do we act now or CONTINUE to hold our peace as if nothing happened?
I'm frustrated and trying to understand why you, as the people appointed to protect us as Americans, do not do something. I'm frustrated at the fact that issues like this continue and are expected to be resolved on their own. I am frustrated that I should even have to write this when you have yet to find my husband, who:
....left his vows on the doorstep for the dog to shit on.
....kidnapped a human being almost leaving her to die in a corner.
....continues to spread his godforsaken seed when he should be required to have a license because he is so unintelligent, but it doesn't matter. It's only one case right? WRONG! He has 4 other charges and you have to question the worthiness of this one. It's called a 'repeat offender.'
Explain it to me, anyone. I'm open for some sort of understanding because after huddling to protect my life and crying at Goodyear to figure out what to do, I believe I have the divine right confess the truth. Believe it or not.
Asking for the honest truth...part 2
So tell me, how hard is it to bluntly explain what you really want to say instead of just avoiding the topic? I'm trying to make sense out of some very awkward moments, but unfortunately there is no answer to the question. Let's take a couple examples and figure out what is going on.
1) Guy gives you hug in public asking you to keep in touch saying he cares about you and what is going on in your life. So? Well, he had alcohol in his system and alcohol does bring out the truth in people. He's a fake, a hypocrite, and obviously not quite the good Christian he wants to appear to be.
2) You try to make a friend and what do you find? Lies, lies, and more lies. In a land where I do not know anyone what do you do? I was told making new friends would be easy because I'm so lovable. So far over the last few days events prove otherwise and that I need to move on.
3) You tell me to call, you tell me to text, and because I like to have an intellectual conversation with a sarcastic human being I give you the benefit of the doubt that I can trust you. How did that turn out? Avoidance. Complete and utter avoidance still showing signs that you can't just face the music. How is it your years show maturity, but your personality lacks?
Out of the 3 there is only one that I miss and hope may have potential. I once heard a story about a young girl who while out in the meadow on a farm would chase ladybugs day in and day out. Although frustrating as the chore may have been, she never once caught one. It wasn't until she lay in the grass and took a nap that the ladybugs became attracted to her and covered her body. Moral of the story, time to MIA out in hopes I can find the intellect I crave. More and more I feel I am in the wrong place, but as time may have it this is the right time.
1) Guy gives you hug in public asking you to keep in touch saying he cares about you and what is going on in your life. So? Well, he had alcohol in his system and alcohol does bring out the truth in people. He's a fake, a hypocrite, and obviously not quite the good Christian he wants to appear to be.
2) You try to make a friend and what do you find? Lies, lies, and more lies. In a land where I do not know anyone what do you do? I was told making new friends would be easy because I'm so lovable. So far over the last few days events prove otherwise and that I need to move on.
3) You tell me to call, you tell me to text, and because I like to have an intellectual conversation with a sarcastic human being I give you the benefit of the doubt that I can trust you. How did that turn out? Avoidance. Complete and utter avoidance still showing signs that you can't just face the music. How is it your years show maturity, but your personality lacks?
Out of the 3 there is only one that I miss and hope may have potential. I once heard a story about a young girl who while out in the meadow on a farm would chase ladybugs day in and day out. Although frustrating as the chore may have been, she never once caught one. It wasn't until she lay in the grass and took a nap that the ladybugs became attracted to her and covered her body. Moral of the story, time to MIA out in hopes I can find the intellect I crave. More and more I feel I am in the wrong place, but as time may have it this is the right time.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Asking for the honest truth
Today I experienced something new. Someone who could not face the truth. After three long years of being lied to I believe I have the divine right to ask for the truth. All I asked for was a blunt answer, I don't care if it hurts and is not what I want to hear as long as you were honest and said exactly what you mean.
"I don't like you"
"You're fat"
"No, that dress does not look good on you"
It's a known fact that females have a reputation of asking loaded questions: 'Does this dress make me look fat?' For me, I would rather you be up front about it: 'Hun, I love you, but yes that dress does make you look fat.' What's so hard about it?
Maybe I'm a little more mature than most or just sick of the games. I am looking for friends who are just that; honest. Why should a person waste their time on anything more? Why would you want it sugar-coated? Maybe I'm just a rare breed. I don't know, but if you have something to say just tell me....please???
"I don't like you"
"You're fat"
"No, that dress does not look good on you"
It's a known fact that females have a reputation of asking loaded questions: 'Does this dress make me look fat?' For me, I would rather you be up front about it: 'Hun, I love you, but yes that dress does make you look fat.' What's so hard about it?
Maybe I'm a little more mature than most or just sick of the games. I am looking for friends who are just that; honest. Why should a person waste their time on anything more? Why would you want it sugar-coated? Maybe I'm just a rare breed. I don't know, but if you have something to say just tell me....please???
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The control of anger
Most people who know me will tell you either A) I really don't have anger issues or B) I stuff it. I would say depends on the topic. If it is something that affects me directly, I will probably be more mad. If it is something that I don't want to appear foolish, then I might stuff it....like now.
I am so mad....
....at myself for not listening to myself when I knew better. We are now entering the fifth month and I still can't forgive myself. Why? Because I am smarter than that. My only problem is I kept my promise. I was raise that you make a promise you better keep it. I did.
....at the things I have to go through because of him. I don't trust anyone, that's right not even my immediate family lately. It's not fair to them because they did not do anything, but unfortunately they get to go through some of the torture of my confusion.
....that I'm still here. I don't belong here and this is not my home. It's close enough to a prison, but one that I chose not to let control me. I just need to figure out where to go and what to do next.
Today was a good day at work because as a wise writer told me, I was able to detach from that dark place in my head. I didn't think about him, about money, about people and relationships. I just thought about the next file that needed to be done and how I was suppose to do it. I did, however, write a letter to the Snow Queen. Maybe some of you will understand.
Dear Snow Queen,
I am requesting the services of your doctor. You see, I have this heart that needs to be removed. I don't want to feel anything, question anything, or sit in a pod of confusion anymore wondering whether someone gives a damn or not. I'm sick of being the one who cares. My heart isn't what it used to be and lately it barely recovers from one day to the next. Please take it for your frozen pleasure and anything that comes with it, so that I may move on. Even though I may be numb, at least I won't be stuck here, ...in the same spot for longer than I need to be.
Inform your doctor I am ready at any time because unfortunately I am useless this way.
-IVS
Ok, so it is deep and terribly full of sarcasm and honesty. I've learned some things just need to be said even though you are scared you know you will get the answer you don't want. I think I got one today. At least it clarifies where I belong.
I am so mad....
....at myself for not listening to myself when I knew better. We are now entering the fifth month and I still can't forgive myself. Why? Because I am smarter than that. My only problem is I kept my promise. I was raise that you make a promise you better keep it. I did.
....at the things I have to go through because of him. I don't trust anyone, that's right not even my immediate family lately. It's not fair to them because they did not do anything, but unfortunately they get to go through some of the torture of my confusion.
....that I'm still here. I don't belong here and this is not my home. It's close enough to a prison, but one that I chose not to let control me. I just need to figure out where to go and what to do next.
Today was a good day at work because as a wise writer told me, I was able to detach from that dark place in my head. I didn't think about him, about money, about people and relationships. I just thought about the next file that needed to be done and how I was suppose to do it. I did, however, write a letter to the Snow Queen. Maybe some of you will understand.
Dear Snow Queen,
I am requesting the services of your doctor. You see, I have this heart that needs to be removed. I don't want to feel anything, question anything, or sit in a pod of confusion anymore wondering whether someone gives a damn or not. I'm sick of being the one who cares. My heart isn't what it used to be and lately it barely recovers from one day to the next. Please take it for your frozen pleasure and anything that comes with it, so that I may move on. Even though I may be numb, at least I won't be stuck here, ...in the same spot for longer than I need to be.
Inform your doctor I am ready at any time because unfortunately I am useless this way.
-IVS
Ok, so it is deep and terribly full of sarcasm and honesty. I've learned some things just need to be said even though you are scared you know you will get the answer you don't want. I think I got one today. At least it clarifies where I belong.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Honesty is the best policy.....
How do you tell someone something you want them to know, but cannot tell them because it some odd shape or form it is forbidden? Why is there always a loop hole to every rule?
Dear You,
Some days I feel it was not enough. I tried to help and somehow it feels worse. I gave you the only true advice I knew from my experiences. I did just wanted more for you because I strongly believe you are a good person no matter if you know it or not. I know I'm not a bad judge in character, but do believe there is some good in everyone. How is it a person's heart and soul can be so pure to artistically express what you have felt or gone though? I matched you there beat for beat and all the off beats in between. I miss you, my friend and I feel it's my fault even though was the right thing to do. I'm sorry.
-IVS
Dear You,
Some days I feel it was not enough. I tried to help and somehow it feels worse. I gave you the only true advice I knew from my experiences. I did just wanted more for you because I strongly believe you are a good person no matter if you know it or not. I know I'm not a bad judge in character, but do believe there is some good in everyone. How is it a person's heart and soul can be so pure to artistically express what you have felt or gone though? I matched you there beat for beat and all the off beats in between. I miss you, my friend and I feel it's my fault even though was the right thing to do. I'm sorry.
-IVS
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