Three of Life's Considerations.

In the last month a few thoughts, statements, or dare I say "theories", have been tossed my way leaving me to reexamine the time that has passed.  Obviously a new year is about to start and I am taking the necessary typical precautions to hash out mistakes to improve upon because we all know that is what we are "suppose" to do; however, something feels different this year.

1)     Sporadic choices.

         This year I came upon crossroads only to repeatedly bang my head against the sign (about a million times) before I sprinted down the path I am currently travelling.  You see, life supplies a safety net and safety bars for you to grab indicating you are in the right place at the right time and when all safety features disappear you grab onto the nearest rock on the cliff, from which you are dangling, and make the choice.  Do I let go and jump to the unknown below or do I play it safe and climb up to the top of the cliff? (Giving that I know how to rock climb, which I do not at this time.)  So me, have a bit of a rebellious personality, let go.  I let go of all security measures, praying that at the bottom I would not die, that I was making the right choice, or even that there was the inevitable “something more” waiting for me at the end. 

          Let’s just say, I will let you know when I get to the bottom considering my questions have yet to contain any clear answers.

2)       Be the change…

          I am sure many of you have heard the saying “Be the change you wish to see in the world” in reference to a quote by Gandhi.  This quote has been stuck in my head for some time for a few different reasons.  One, apparently the New York Times published an article stating that Gandhi was misquoted, which makes me ask if any “quote” is actually a quote at all considering how literature is rewritten and people are misunderstood. (Anyone remember the ‘telephone game’ from grade school and how one message got misconstrued?). 

          Two, I do not think ‘change’ is the word I would use.  What happened to inspiring someone?  Like, “I want you to do better.  I want you to take this idea and run with it.  I want you to grow from this experience.  I believe there is more to you no matter anyone else’s doubt.”  I try to believe the best in people and have felt that sometimes I might be a stepping-stone to greatness because I push and I challenge people.  You want someone to be the devil’s advocate?  That is right, look at me, right here, BRING IT ON!!  For me, when I invest in a person or I tell that person I believe the individual has more to offer, I would hope that person takes this as a great compliment considering it is rare for me to put forth any effort in something/someone.  In time you realize the things that need an investment, given the opportunity, and you realize when you are just wasting your time by how much that individual is choosing to invest in you.  I question a couple recent incidents and if I am wasting time, but my belief is always that ‘time will tell’.  I just wish I had a bit more patience if not a preview into the future for delegating such time.  :P

3)       Life sucks.

          I do not know about any of you who just read those two words, but they provide me with a giggle and a bit of acknowledging truth considering the person who recently made the statement.  I think this is out of context as well.  The proper way to look at it is probably best stated in the 90s sitcom Boy Meets World, which is a realistic point of view of a title if you think about how we live our lives, but the statement of truth is that ‘Life is tough, get a helmet’ (Grier).

          There are two ways to look at this statement.  One, personally I am a bit of a klutz who falls walking, so I might need the helmet along with knee pads, elbows pads, and while you are at it…just wrap me up in bubble wrap.  Actually, delete that last part because I would then fall on purpose to pop the bubble wrap, but you get my dementedly twisted ideal train of thought.  Two, yes life is tough unless you have purpose.  I have made my own purpose.  I am not living for myself anymore, but for others.  I wake up in the morning and try to find something that I have not done or tried, partially because it makes for a great story when I do something completely awkward.  Whether or not this can be accomplished or not is a different story, but then I like to find something new to experience in the people around me.  Life is an adventure to which we offered only so much, that if we choose to let opportunity pass, we lose out.

          So what do you do when…

          …a person’s grocery bag breaks and the contents are spread all over the floor?

          …when a man cannot get his scooter through the snow because someone did not scoop it in accordance with city regulations?

          …when an elderly person engages in conversation with you, of what you view as nonsense, because the person is lonely and sometimes we all just need to talk?

          …when a person needs acknowledgment because the individual feels invisible to the rest of the crowded world?

          …when you are given a choice and do not take a risk?

So where does all this leave me?  Exhausted!  One of these days I will, again, be able to just let go and trust that in my new environment I will be caught because it takes a lot to hold everything together.  I will hopefully, once again, find that one puzzle piece I have been missing instead of just going through the motions because I feel that is what I am to do.  With big risks, they say, come big rewards (not to be a pessimist, but so come big losses), so onward I proceed finding adventure in the nooks and crannies that are commonly overlooked in the first place.

Grier, Emily. Everything I needed to know in life I learned from ‘Boy Meets World’. 19 July 2011. Web. 21 December 2015.

MORTON, BRIAN. Falser Words Were Never Spoken. 29 August 2011. Web. 21 December 2015.

Not What It Is, But What It Could Be...

Everything is never as it seems and yet it is everything it is meant to be, everything you wished for and nothing at all.  Confused yet?  Let's just say some inspiration came in the form of New Year's Eve, which you could say came a little early while the concept was boiling into an explosion that seems to be bursting at the mouth with the intent of a "fresh start".  

A "fresh start", a concept that sounds a bit like I am talking about produce with the initial term "fresh" although takes a turn to define something to be newly created.  Many lessons have been learned in the terms of the 2011 and 2015 standings, but my forevermore eternal optimistic outlook is still in a thirst for something MORE.  There are many things in life that I have yet to accomplish, experience, explain, or tell a story about with great exaggeration in a highly animated persona.  Is it sad to want everything and then some?...and maybe a little bit more?....ok, still not satisfied. :D (Talk about greedy).

The movie New Year's Eve reminded me of another favorite of mine,  Under the Tuscan Sun. A divorcee moves to Italy, establishes a home where she wishes for a wedding and a family.  What does she get?  She gets her wish even though not in the form she expected.  The neighbor kids get married in her home and her best friend moves into the house with a baby, establishing a family.  Michelle Pfeiffer and Zac Efron reflect upon two individuals whose lives come together with odd obligations.  Pfeiffer requests that Efron, a messenger boy, fulfill her "to do" list before midnight when the new year commences.  In less than a day she wants to accomplish things such as "save a life" or "travel to Bali".  I will admit here that I love Efron's character, who is able to think outside the box beyond norms and able to give Pfeiffer what she desires.  So how does one travel to Bali in less than a day?  Efron finds a spa with a similar experience that if a person were to travel to Bali.  How does one save a life in less than a day?  Efron has Pfeiffer adopt a dog who would have otherwise been put to sleep.

Then question then remains, how do we accomplish our goals when it seems like the world or even fate is against us?  We travel to New York City to watch the ball drop on New Year's Eve!  Wrong!  We think outside the box!  I guess my plans for the upcoming yearis to try as many more new things as possible, visit my possibilities, expand my horizons, and in all aspects be gracious for the time allotted for adventure...

My Superpower of Invisibility

A superpower?  Me?  I regular human and I have to make a point that I have this extremely rare superpower of invisibility.  It is not the superpower I would have chosen, technically, but I try to embrace and harness such strength in such a mortal superpower.  

So I bet you are curious as to how this superpower of mine works?

It is actually quite simple and basically about perspective.  Generally, the power of invisibility may bring to mind Susan Storm Richards, better known as Invisible Woman from the Fantastic Four where, if you have seen the movie, Jessica Alba becomes invisible to the point of where clothing is an issue.  Nope! Sorry!  Not that type of power or vulnerability for that matter (I would like to prevent nightmares than create them). If you are a bit younger, you might remember Violet from the Incredibles where the guy she was crushing on never seemed to notice her, yet he sensed her.  Nope! Still not right!  Maybe, just maybe my power works like Harry Potter's "Cloak of Invisibility" where I cover up and am gone.  Poof!  No more me!  Cute imagination, right?  If only it were that easy.  So how does my inevitably courageous and extremely rare power work?  Ever heard of hiding things in plain sight?

The best example I can think of it magic tricks.  Everything is right in front of your face until your attention is misdirected while the "trick" is being performed.  I operate the same way.  Sometimes when I want to disappear I find a heavily populated area and walk around with purpose or as if I have somewhere to be.  People do not notice someone who quickly walks passed them because they are too consumed with their own lives to necessarily care.  The talent begins when you can do this in the middle of group of people know you are there, but do not "know" you are there.

At times I find myself in a group of people, I do not seem to fit in, I am not talking because I have nothing to contribute, so I quietly slip away.  Most of the time no one notices.  Sometimes I wish they had, but other times I slip away because I need to leave for my own sanity allowing me a bit of empowerment.  Why subject yourself to an environment where you are uncomfortable and technically no one notices if you are there or not?  The empowerment is created by taking control of the situation and removing yourself from the uncomfortable environment or for me lately...randomly wandering around the mall until I cannot stand the multitudes of bodies consuming all the oxygen to the point where I cannot breath. :P

Is there a point to this? No, not today.  Maybe someday down the road it might just become the notes to an incredible story of a girl who inspired something beyond amazing, but then, considering the path of some writers, I might have to die first which to me would be similar to that power of invisibility again, only in a different aspect.  For now, I will come an go as I please, noticed or unnoticed, and see where it takes me.  Will I inspire another...or maybe I will just inspire myself?

P.S. Remember Superheroes, no capes!-Edna 'E' Mode

Games vs. Truth: The Opportunity of Choice

The inevitable love letter, the proclamation of desirable commitment, the unattainable fairy-tale, and the yearning for the triumphed conquest of the underdog.  So why do we continuously seek out this companionship, in representation, knowing very well the curse that bellows from the bottomless pit of risk?  Why do we repeatedly inflict this emotional self-mutilation upon ourselves only to endure the childish games of adult adolescence in fear of truth?  What happened to the existence of honesty, direct candor, and the understanding that not all puzzle pieces click together?  If such case existed with the fear of provoking pain, why not utter truth as it is the deception that causes more pain out of disrespect?

Maybe I am some kind of joke, but I would rather be exposed to the truth than deceived by lies or even silence.  Unfortunately, I am consumed by the misfortune of ill-fated ignorance of an incoherent thought leading only to confusion with the naive victim left in complete bewilderment.  

So the question then arises, to which truth shall be followed?

Perhaps there is no answer to the problem, but yet a resolution lying in the choice of prevention  to walk away or as I refer to it, "going off the grid."  There is no need to subject yourself to the power of another, by which "walking away" allows for self-control and choice instead of hanging onto those 'what if' questions you make your own answer.

By choice, you had a chance and did not take it without realizing that life does not allow for 'rewind' or 'do-overs'.  For this, I pity you, the one who now lacks control, for now all you have is the leftover crumbs of greatness and the rot beyond insanity that dwells in the void of unfinished business.  I pray for mercy upon you as the once established hope no longer exists as an entity of worth, but an attribute of shame as it is annihilated from its very essence, one so pure that it is inexhaustibly misunderstood.

So I look at you now with the augmented understanding assimilated to the phrase "Fuck You" as I recognize the actuality of something almost inspiring as a piece of me still defends the ever-ending hopeless attraction with the utter farewell.  However, the unfolding truth that hope is for the fool, while the determination for fulfillment is for the insightful, realizing that waiting for a response is not as effective as ascertaining one's own intentions.

~Thank you...

Am I Really That Stupid?

Tonight I was asked what I viewed to be the most astonishing question that made me rethink some things I have thought or even felt myself. My coworker asked me very blatantly "Am I stupid?".  My jaw dropped out of surprise as my mind quickly raced realizing I have uttered those same exact words.

First of all, the sentence itself it completely vague and subjective, yet society understands all too well.  To answer properly, what does stupid  mean?  What does smart mean?  What is? and then, Is intelligence universal or is it specified?  

Second, I have asked this question to a friend of mine who I once thought was intelligent, which I defined by "a person who has a lot of knowledge in diverse areas and a lot of experience."  This person brought to my attention the vagueness in the sentence also, giving me some perspective.  A person may be intelligent in an area or on a specific topic, but actually being smart is knowing how to apply that knowledge you have accumulated.  In this case, the friend, whom I put on this intelligent/smart pedestal, has since fallen.  The friend is intelligent in that this person can probably read a book and remember the content with ease or remember events with a "date stamp," but applying this information to what could be identified as "common sense" reflects the defined term of stupidity.  Yes, I said it and I have said this to the friend before.  This friend is the dumbest smart person I know.  Confused yet? Let me explain.  No matter how much information this person obtains in the brain, the person does not seem to know how to apply this knowledge to life and, in my humble opinion, screws up.  It is like the person got the wiring mixed up with all that knowledge and it short circuited.  Some of you may think I am mean or heartless for saying this, but I have told the friend this stuff directly and it is actually constructive criticism.  Now whether any lesson is learned is an understatement.

So now we have the information to analyze the concept of "Am I stupid?".  The term stupid and "smart" are truly antonyms defining the speed at which a person can process information and apply it whether quickly or, well, not so quickly.  Intelligence involves the information you have learned or have been taught.  Generally, stupid is thought to be the opposite of our defined term of intelligence, but the opposite of intelligence is closer related to being "inept" or even ignorant.  So stupid is a lack of keenness of the mind while smart is the presence of keenness of the mind.  Whereas intelligence is obtaining knowledge, ignorance is lacking the knowledge, inept is without the skill set for that knowledge, and yet commonly the opposite of intelligence is referred to as stupidity, which is the condition of stupid and not the true opposite of intelligence.

So now we see where our confusion lies through all this misinterpretation or misunderstanding based on the limited knowledge of our personal experiences, but my friend was correct in that intelligence itself depends on the topic.  For example, I may have decent, if not significant amount of knowledge on English (because I freakin’ over analyze what everyone around me is ACTUALLY saying), but I do not know a lot of information about the detailed workings of computers.  Now, am I stupid?  No, because I utilize other concepts that transfer from one topic to the next and can apply them to my limited knowledge in such cases and the details of computers.  This is true for any and EVERY topic in the world.  You cannot be a genius about everything and if you ask me, you cannot be a genius or expert on anything because there is always more to learn.  Information does not just die or end, so how can a genius or expert exist?  That is a whole different topic, but still!

For fun, and because I am in a bit of an inspired mood, let’s do some intricate word play:

Ignorantly smart: (conundrum?) A person who lacks knowledge, but has a keen mind- Question: Can a keen mind exist without knowledge? 

           Question: Can concepts and logic be applied without knowledge? (knowledge is probably too general in this instance)

Stupidly smart: (I have actually heard this used and it is funny because how can a person reflect both the existence and lack of a keen mind?)

Intelligently ignorant: (Again, I have heard it used, but we are talking about acquiring knowledge while we yet lack knowledge?-Lack the ability to acquire knowledge?- Acquire the lack of knowledge?)

Stupidly inept: a person who lacks a keen mind and any skill (Ouch! Double whammy on that one.)

Intelligently smart: a person who can acquire knowledge and apply it (Um, hello? Yeah, I’m right here. Look at me…. Just kidding)

Ok, so I had some fun of how I view words while yet probably annoying anyone who just read this. : P  So the question remained, “Am I stupid?”.  Taking in consideration all of the above:

-vague defined terms

-personal experience

-personal knowledge

-maybe a bit of empathy

-mixing pot with some salt and pepper. Do not forget the mixing spoon because this gets messy mixing with your hands and Voila!

Answer: Are you nuts?  You are just having a bad day :D

I should soooo be Sherlock Holmes through that deduction and KEEN wit of an answer.  (I crack myself up sometimes).  None of that matters though.  The thing that matters most is my interpretation and how I utilized it to show the coworker that the person’s conception of the sentence was complete in the analyzation of the question itself.  In short: My coworker smiled and continued on with her work with a bit more confidence.<---That’s all that ever counted anyway.

I See You: Introverted Language

School recently tied me down, more like handcuffed to a chair by my own personal choice, but I have this need to write something beyond my scholastic mind that still penetrates the desire of thought and yet continues to be the inevitable...verbal vomit. LoL However, do not think that I forgot about this quest of mine to examine the awkwardness of being an introvert.

As I had addressed before in a previous post, I wanted to observe the language of introverts and not necessarily just mine considering I would be extremely conscious of my actions and inadvertently tampering or corrupting information. Lucky for me, I recognize other introverts who have confirmed with me to do the same things that I do and react the same way I do to certain events or situations.

Story time!!

If you keep up with my blog you will know that I just relocated and started a new job, this means sitting in a class for training.  My class was built up of five individuals besides me that slowly dwindled down, but the behavior of the class intrigued me as we progressed throughout our two weeks.  

Each student/coworker/peer sat at his or her own table which seemingly reflected the uncomfortable nervousness of the needed personal space or inevitable bubble.  I personally could have used the whole room as my bubble, but that is beside the point :P  With this distance, it was easy to observe each other and get to know one another.  I sometimes laugh at this description because it sounds like a lion observing prey except that the term 'prey' is viewed negatively considering the outcome of the situation.  For us, it was a way of building trust to get confirmation and understanding who you could depend on.  We also learned who to go to for clarity in the understanding of information concern the tasks of our employment positions.  Guaranteed, once out of class things tend to change, but the foundation of understanding still remains.  My favorite moment is when my classmates and I had a specific lesson that included other senior member employees and we were all able to have a discussion without any verbal conversation.  The senior member would ask questions about scenarios we knew nothing about and were completely out of context or order of the lesson plan.  This in itself confused my hired class and irritated us.  One, we did not have the foundation that the senior member did, so going off on a tangent does not offer new hires a stable understanding of their job description, which does not help a company.  Two, with the tangent in action, scowls became more visible, eyebrows and mouths frowned, and lips pierced with grinding teeth out of irritation.  This my friends, is how to piss off an introvert.  I must say I was a bit disappointed that the trainer did not notice how many scowls were aimed in her direction as if lasers were coming out of our eyes, but then again, you cannot expect everyone to understand everything…even reading people.

Now I am a person whose looks can be loud or give a clear indication of how I am feeling, but it still surprises me when someone is able to pick up or understand a particular expression.  One of my coworkers was assisting me on a project and after some time the individual simply asked the question, “Are you okay?”.  I hate to admit it, but due to my very deeply embedded independence I will 99.9% of the time reply with “I’m fine” whether I am or not.  Yes, I had a scowl on my face.  Yes, I pierced my lips together and muttered insane vulgarities under my breath.  Yes, I slither away into my own little world to be left alone until the world made sense again and I felt safe.  YES, SOMETHING IS WRONG, but I can handle it as I am self-aware.  Now I know how I respond to certain situations, but to have a stranger or at least someone who barely knows me recognize this and simply ask if I was okay still surprises me because I want to ask “Why do you care?”.  My actions and reactions are my own issue that do not necessarily involve someone else and yet they do because once my coworker uttered those three words the weight of my frustration was immediately lifted.  I am sure my face reflected this too as the scrunched forehead, curved eyebrows, and gritted teeth slowly disappear.  For me to accept that my co-worker saw me was a little intimidating, but it was a bit comforting to have this person indirectly say "I see you."

As I continue on and get to know my co-workers better I also find that I am more fluent in my own body language when I receive confirmation on another’s personality.  Given the right topic, and introvert can talk as much as any extrovert.  Quiet does not always indicate shy or the idea of being better than others, but it can simply be the fact that “This is my area and right now I need to concentrate” or “I am a deep pondering type with a million thoughts going through my head.”  I love being able to understand a bit about a person by reading body language.  You can pick up on someone’s personality by the books they read, the food they eat, the items they surround themselves with, etc.  Based on looks alone I can usually determine topics of discussion, commonly understood jokes, intelligence, dependability or things that give some indication of a potential, if not, type of connection.  I can also tell if a person is worth the investment of time by how many other people they spend their time with, who is important to that person, what kind of drama does that person have in his/her life, and allowing me to decide “Even though this person and I could be good friends, is now truly a good time for that.”

For now, there is nothing extremely special about body language, unless you have the confusing resting bitch face that actually translates into “I’m deep in thought” or “I AM actually relaxed,” but I think some people miss taking a moment to observe when they instead decide to jump to conclusions.  I like to sit back and watch a person for a while and not in the creepy stalker way but with the intent there is something more to this moment between two people than just silence.  I guess I try to “listen” to what people do not say which is more of how an introvert speaks.  We are like flowers…we do not want to draw attention to ourselves, we just simply want to be pretty.

Opportunities in Freedom

I decided to take a break from my introverted series considering I am still doing some analysis and gathering information on body language of an introvert.  I cannot just write something without experiencing it, correct?  So today I wanted to share something that I have been fantasizing about every day after I get off work. 

Take a look at the building pictured.  Look at the structure, the height, the difference in windows, and that it faces south.  Since I have moved I have fallen in love with this building and it is not even finished yet.  I know it sounds so insignificant because who really cares about a building, but imagine the infinite possibilities.  

At night after I work out, I like to ride around town to familiarize myself with my new 'stomping grounds.'  I drive over bridges to see the lights continue beyond the horizon and then I think of what a wonderful sight it would be from the top of this building, the potential of a New York Skyline type of view, the type you only view in movies, specifically the romance ones and even though I do not want that romance with anyone in particular now, I want to just have the passionate feeling of freedom.

So I drive passed this building dreaming of myself on the roof as I watch the sun go down and once it is gone I would step to the edge of the roof, spread my arms to my sides as I looked up toward the sky, and lean forward falling toward the ground.  I know many of you are probably flabbergasted by the thought of plummeting to the ground, but that is not the thought that comes to mind.  I close my eyes imagining the air rushing passed my body because for that brief moment, I have no concerns, no responsibility, and just the rush of adrenaline to the point that it takes my breath away. Pure.  Utter.  Freedom.

www.lifedaily.com

Life weighs us down and sometimes it is hard to carry that weight around.  It is not the same as lifting weights physically, but it still comes with experience that is suppose to make us stronger.  I moved to this new town gaining clarification that I have blocked out for years and have unfortunately learned I have to face the things of my past since I can no longer just hide them away.  I have to face the truth that these things, these events and actions were real.  It is still hard for me to accept those events knowing that somewhere inside I knew better.  

The thought of jumping off this building is purely a thought of flying, flying free and that is what I want to do here in a new location.  I want to try new things, experience new things and remove all limitations from my life.  I want to remove all fear from my life because a person should not be caged up when all there is in life...is opportunity.

The Extroverted Introvert

Oh boy, here I go again.  I have always been intrigued by people, wondering why they do what they do or why they have specific thoughts at particular times, so I decided to delve into a bit of reading to understand why people give me weird looks after I have said or done something.

Apparently, in 2013 the Wall Street Journal published a controversial article about how introverts can be happier.  Of course, it was titled How an Introvert Can be Happier: Act Like an Extrovert, which made me think of Steve Harvey’s book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  Titles like these can be confusing and interpreted to the idea that an individual is not good enough, so the individual has to act or be like someone else.  I do not know about anyone else reading this, but do you not get sick of playing games likes these?  Since when is Halloween every day of the year or when did we all become un-famous actors and actresses?  I hate to admit, but I am not paid enough to not act like myself, not to mention that part of me acts out enough on her own.

Anyway, this article received much adversary as it seemed the author may have been a misguided extrovert who possibly had limited introvert resources.  I must admit that in many of the articles that followed, people enjoyed started the piece with something similar to  ‘…it is a proven fact that introverts have more fun as extroverts,’ yet I could not find any credentials in these particular articles to prove this statement.  Where are the statistics?  Where is the quote from the doctor who has done research studies?  Where is Dr. Phil?...Sorry, got off track there.

One  article I found acknowledged how offended many introverts were by this article with statements such as “I don’t want extroverts defining or interpreting what happiness is for me,’ or discussing matters of how prejudice society can be on introverts because the typical belief is that everyone should be dancing, singing, and flailing their arms singing “Happy, happy, joy, joy…,’ when that is not the case at all.  What is not recognized is that there is happiness in contentment.  I, personally never felt that it was wrong to stay in some nights to enjoy a little Netflix instead of going out to drink every night,

Other articles in reference to Wall Street included myths that were stereotypical thoughts, but were honest, especially considering I could relate to the author in that I also am a “INFJ.”  (If you do not understand this, please look up the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which gives a personality assessment.)  I took this test once in relation to a dating site where everyone thought they had to reveal this particular entity and found out exactly what I had known about myself all along.  One, the idea that introverts do not like to talk is completely NOT me.  I mean, look at this post; does this look like the post of a person who does not like to talk?  No, it is of a person who does not waste her words on nothingness only please the small-minded tater tot brains that soon hiss out helium from too much extroverted activity.  Note:  I am not saying this is bad, I am saying it is not an activity for everyone. 

Another myth that sparked me was the idea that introverts are rude.  Oh. My. Goodness!  I am probably one of those who does not have a heart to be rude, but I will be honest.  (Yes folks, those are two different things and if you do not understand them, look them up or…TOO BAD!)  Why should I feel obligated to talk to a person if nothing is going to come of it?  Do I have to jump up and down at the pure shred of an insignificant task that you accomplished? (Yay! You wrote your name, illegibly, but you wrote your name!---Can you hear the heart monitor flat line at the simplicity of the task?  Sorry, you are not in grade school and I am not going to treat you that way either.)

Then there is the idea that an introvert does not like people or socialize.  Three letters come to mind: WTF?!  That is right! Pure and utter confusion.  I love people!  Good people.  Decent people.  People who do not numb my existence down to that of a telletubby.  I am not asking anyone to sit here and swoon over everything I do or say, so why should I do that for them?  It is called mutual respect here, people!

Ugh!  A little frustration goes a long way these days. However, I did find an interesting slideshow explaining how to understand an introvert.  Great, now I need a ‘how to’ guide to understand how I function.  Why not just write a book called ‘Understanding Introverts for Dummies: For Misguided Extroverts and Confused Introverts.’  (Enter blank stare) Yeah, I did not know I came with instructions, a tush tag maybe, but instructions is stretching it.  What I learned from the slideshow is that I am asexual in producing energy with a need to recharge.  Does that sound like a bad batter pun to anyone else?  What is comical is that in slide five, I feel as though, being an introvert, is like interaction with an extinct animal.  “How to interact with an introvert…Say hello,…it is important for introverts to feel welcome…go back to whatever you were doing…Now the introverts know that you are friendly and open to interaction”  (Shakes head)  Now I am an animal that may bite if threatened.  Just do not poke me with a stick!  Actually….I might bite for sheer pleasure of this.  I might actually invest in that caution sign to wear around my neck, “I bite when threatened.”

Maybe I am just nuts (and for those of you who actually know me, no comment from the peanut gallery), but why is being quiet and thought provoking considered awkward or abnormal?  I still like to talk and socialize, but I also like to write the thoughts that come into my head to see them form on paper or even just analyze things in general.  I have this thing called a mind and unfortunately is does not contain an ‘off’ button allowing me to continuously ask questions and ponder the dear sweet questions that prohibit society from acknowledging their denial of life. 

Should I have been more blunt with that?;)

Caution: This post contains high amounts of sarcasm that may blow your mind.  Enjoy!!

Here are a couple other articles I found interesting: 

http://womanitely.com/things-introvert-should-remember/

http://womanitely.com/things-remember-dating-introverted-man/

The Misunderstood Introvert

My last couple of weeks has been filled with readjustments, as my life seems to have taken a back seat into the fast lane, watching everything and every event pass before I can comprehend a thought.  This pace has left me with a feeling of withdrawal or a type of alienation that provides little fulfillment in my life in the current state; however, lack of fulfillment and the acknowledgement of other accomplishments seem to have twisted themselves around my mind a bit deeper than I expected to recognize.  Since my recent move and driven desire for self-improvement, I noticed today how a piece of my youth that I thought I had changed still dwelled within me.  In a brief random moment I had to admit that ‘Yes, I am weird.  Yes, I am awkward,’ but then ‘Yes…I am still and introvert.’

I am sure if you are reading this you are thinking about how strange it is for someone to sit and think about a particular personality trait only to realize that some things never change.  Fine, I accept that, but I thought this was something that I had grown out of and moved beyond, so imagine my disappointment when motivation for self-improvement came to a screeching halt.  I will admit that it was one of those comic type moments where the cartoon character stares at the television screen, blinking twice with big eyes because that is exactly what I saw in my computer screen at work when I had the realization.

My big hazel eyes moved readily from side to side as if talking to someone, but only in my head of course thinking back to things that had presented themselves to my attention.  I analyzed moments in my head of confusion suddenly realizing what had taken place and now understanding the misinterpretation that others had perceived of me.

Considering my preferred type of communication is writing I realize I am the typical ‘looks good on paper’ type of person.  All the ‘I’s dotted and all the ‘T’s crossed in the black and white text and maybe some accentuated sarcasm revealing the clever innuendos that many people seem to overlook considering my personal intonation is missing from the text itself. I was able to snap out of my daze, remembering a specific time when my mother had attempted to help me with my introversion.  The idea was that I had to say ‘Hi’ to anyone and everyone.  Yeah…I accomplished that, but that does not completely revamp the characteristics of an introvert. 

I did a little bit of a self-assessment when I got home, again, replaying events in the last couple of weeks to get a complete understanding of what I was doing from verbal communication to body language (imitates Ursula from The Little Mermaid when saying ‘body language’).  I do not have the body language figured out yet, then again, I am not the narcissistic type person to stare at myself in the mirror on a daily basis giving myself a pep talk on how I am sooo sexy to myself.  Really?  Can we say egotistical fool?! 

Let us start with conversation.  I am not one for small talk, as you can see by this beautifully elongated post.  I am sorry, unless you want to play a game of twenty questions; I really have nothing meaningless to say to you.  I also do not like useless words or words with no meaning.  Do not tell me you are ‘sorry,’ that you ‘love’ me, or any term of endearment, especially in small talk!  I am not some cheap idiot of the street who is going to like totally say ‘like’ like every couple like minutes.  (I think my brain just exploded in that sentence, so sorry-I did not get any brains on anyone did I?)

Ok, moving on…

I do not like to waste things; times, money, words, you name it.  My time is valuable and I believe that applies to your time as well, so if you are just going to disappear, do not engage in a conversation that you believe may contain something of importance when it is just ignorant verbal vomit.  You see this here, this is I talking to YOU, and I am investing in a connection with YOU.  Got it?!  If not, let me try this…You have got ten minutes to impress me or I am walking away.  Awkward, right?  Yes, but honest and the fact that I told you does not make me rude, it just ensures the mutual value of our individuality so that we not invest in something wasted.  In reflection, it is a lot like gambling. (Give me a seven baby! No snake eyes tonight!)

First impressions are important, I know that, but I cannot, for the life of me, hold eye contact without repeating to myself, “Look into my eyes, look deep into my eyes,’ to which I am just going to end up laughing and screw the whole first impression up completely.  If it is not that then I, apparently, seem dull maybe boring or completely uninterested.  I hate to tell you, but that is not the case.  The ‘resting bitch face’ is actually a look of contemplation as I analyze things that have been done, said or anything else exchanged between the two of us.  The expression is the face of investment, giving you actual consideration and taking what you said or did seriously.  UNFORTUNATELY, I just get ‘bitch face.’  I am so sorry to those of you who do not understand this concept, but hope you would be more open to the fact that someone is not laughing at you for contemplating your wardrobe for the day or how big your muscles are or will be because there is actual consideration of a complete coherent thought. (How many of you understood that one?)

Therefore, to those of you who cannot interpret an introvert fluently, please do not assume the rapid judgement towards you or that fact that I am not jumping for joy at every one-syllable word you say as something negative.  Consider the fact that it is a compliment that someone would take the time of day to spend it with you because you possessed that one quality that sparked some interest that could lead to huge forest fire of thought provoking conversation, to which this introvert would be classified an extrovert, otherwise…why do you think I am here?

P.S.  Yes, I was jumping around like a fool full of expression throughout this whole entry.

P.S.S…I now have my resting bitch face on…Any questions?

Hindsight's Gray Area

Our lives can be considered long drawn out movies that only end when we do, playing out events and situations that include a multitude of characters that stay for the ride or enter briefly and although we play out each scene, there is no opportunity to rewind/fast forward what has taken place.  We act in the moment on instinct the same way animals do, which can at times mess things up.  It is about this time where the phrase ‘hindsight is 20/20’ gets mentioned and we think back wondering what can be improved for next time because ultimately all we want to do is improve situations in our lives.

Then there are those of us who may have a bit of a fear because even hindsight seems complicated due to variations, for instance, reactions to the same information.  Each of us has a story to tell and sometimes that story receives different reactions, which makes a person caution when the inevitable question is presented, what happened when…? 

I came across this recently and I still, to this day, do not know how to address the question in relation to significant events that occurred in my life.  So in the regular hindsight perspective, I debate if I should have kept quiet…should I have spoken up…I do not know. Gray.  I mean, it is not that I do not want to share and I want to be honest, but how do I predict this outcome before it happens? Again, gray.

I can’t, simple as that, which is why I have this perception of ‘love me or hate’ that can come off as though I am arrogant when it is actually protective armor that only the worthy would be able to break through.  Maybe this is where things in life get gray and misunderstood.  Maybe the gray area is where you can give a little on something significant without overdoing it or maybe if a person is worth it, you see the figurative armor.  Gives a bit of perspective on how things that are worth it, do not come easy, which could also suggest the quality of a person.

I understand this concept, which may be why I put in a little extra effort.  I understand what it is like to keep things at arm’s length because you are hesitant to get entangled in something that may not be completely positive.  Maybe I just wish someone understood that about me before writing me off after that one inevitable question.

Humble Labels

Recently I spoke with a friend of mine and this person triggered some anger in me that made me ask myself why I was friends with someone so arrogant and yet so ignorant.

This friend told me a story how the individual’s looks changed and all of a sudden the friend was getting, well, more attention than usual.  The friend droned on a bit and with each word coming out of the mouth on the other side of the phone, I could feel my anger grow. 

You see this person had also recently talked to me about labels.  Labels, in this conversation, referred to sexual orientation or reference any other prejudices that exist and this friend expressed not wanting to be identified by a label: ‘I am more than just [a label].  I am a person.’  Well, that is all true, but when a person becomes so narcissistically arrogant about looks or about weight, is this not taking away a person’s humanity the same way as if a label were applied?  Now instead of being associated with any of the titles above, the friend made a personal label of being ‘just a shell’ and not a person.  To me, this is a contradiction of an arrogant fool. 

Twenty-four hours later and I am still bothered by this to the point that contact with someone like this is actually damaging to any relationship because judging on one aspect of a person is not actually knowing the person as a whole. I am a female who is attracted to males, I am considered in a race defined as ‘white’ even though ‘white’ is not ACTUALLY a race, but I am also a daughter, a sister, a writer, an English graduate student, etc.  Wow!  Look at how all those labels made me a complete person.

As I continued to steam about what I now considered to be a ‘stupid friend’ (haha….another label), I thought back to a childhood movie I loved and still love to watch every now and then.  The movie was 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up.  In the movie, the boys are trying to be heroes, but instead become cocky because of their talents as ninjas, which make the grandfather angry.  The boys protest, saying they were just helping others, while the grandfather states they only did it to help themselves.  The grandfather points at a flower saying, ‘Now this, is what I meant by a correct path for a ninja…See these beautiful flowers?  You must learn to be like them.’

What does this mean? It means, listen to the flowers and listen to what they say.  The boys answer this concept at the end of the movie by realizing that the flowers say ‘Nothing.  They don’t want to show off how pretty they are.  They just wanna be pretty.’ 

No one wants to be known by ‘just’ a label and no one wants to be known ‘just’ by looks, so my question to everyone is, why put yourself in that box? Why decline one label only to embrace another that makes you even less of a human/person and just the shell of one?  Maybe I am ignorant, but I have never understood why I have to have a certain look to be worth something, then again that applies to all labels as well.

So to this friend of mine:

Learn to love yourself as a person and not a label especially if you want someone else to love you and not your label.  A relationship does thrive on looks because looks fade.  A relationship does not thrive on your sexual orientation, your race, or any other potential prejudices because it can only thrive on the person, the personality and if you do not have that…well, let’s just say you won’t survive any relationship you desire and for that, I feel sorry for you.

The Jigsaw Puzzle of Connections

Connections, associations, and relationships are what embody every aspect of our lives, which led me to the thought that science has forever proven, that all living organisms are connected in the same aspect as how every part of our bodies are connected.  I know this is nothing special nor is it a new concept, but it is one we do not consider often in our lives.  Most of us, probably like me, just mosey on through life minding our own business until we have a moment where we realize it is a small world after all.

Cheezy, I know, but hear me out. If we are all connected by six degrees of separation, does this not mean that we should be able to find each other and find that key element in a person that we so strongly desire.  

With that said, I recently went 'hunting' for that special element that gave me this feeling of being complete and lucky me, I found it. Six and a half hours of stimulating conversation with relatable topics and challenging subject matter, but then I do not know what happened because that key element disappeared with no explanation as to what would provoke such a negative response.

Many times people will look at a situation similar to this and wonder 'what did I do wrong?' when really they should be asking 'was I too right?' and although there is no jigsaw puzzle piece in that very specific spot, I feel touched at the experience even though I am disappointed it is gone.  You see, I believe that when something is truly worth it, you hold onto it, you fight for it, and you do not let it go.  I tried to hold on, in fact, I went looking for it only to end up face first into that metaphoric digital wall.

I may not be a Private Investigator,  but for now I will just smile as I move forward to my freedom because I got a taste of what my wild heart desires.  Now as I journey forward, I may hope a bit for that one jigsaw puzzle piece to come back into my life because it inspired me and I miss it, but maybe all I needed from the piece was to know that there is still hope....even if it is in a different country and reachable by a few hours. ;)

Wisdom, Courage, and Dignity

I...have some great friends and these friends have been helping me through a tough time in my life to the point where I need to take the reigns and lead onward.

There will always be a reason why you meet people.

Either you need them to change your life,

or you're the one who will change theirs.

I recently learned that I changed a person's life, but I am not quite sure the person understood what was learned.  You learn to be a friend only to dessert another, the one that stood by your side in a time of need, was there at your beck and call, and was there to show you that you are a person of importance? And what did you do?  You showed that person how unimportant the individual is to you for greener pastures.

-I was your cure and you were my disease.  I was saving you, but you were killing me.

A person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.

A person who walks alone is likely to find his/herself in places 

no one has ever been before.

This could be applied in multiple faucets. One, exploring greener pastures and two, walking away from something when it is time.  I have forgiven, but not forgotten.  I have embraced losses and stopped regretting, but I have temporarily rid myself of the memories as they were only meaningful to me at one point.  Now the same memories are reenacted with those whom I have been replace.

Never ignore a person that loves you, cares for you, and misses you

because one day you might wake up from your sleep

and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

Actions do speak louder than words.  When a person starts to do the opposite of once was you learn where you truly stand.  When the calls stop, when the communication dissipates, trust begins to dwindle, and the things said or expressed become a hypocritical contradiction you know you have lost your worth.  I have learned that I have, figuratively, stayed on the moon too long and need to pay attention to my stars. 

-Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

There comes a point when you have to realize that you'll never be good enough for some people.

The question is, is that your problem or theirs?

...and then all of a sudden she changed. 

She came back a completely different person with a new mindset,

a new outlook and a new soul.

The girl that once cared way too much about everyone and everything

no longer cared at all.

So did I learn a lesson?  Yes, I did and even though I have forgiven the person who has caused the pain, I will not forget the repeated offense.  I was told once that people in any type of relationship, defined from friendship and beyond, continuously hurt each other and sometimes it is the same offense.  The interesting part of this theory is that with the people closest to me, I have not experienced this and if so, those individuals left my life. 

However, the friends I have now have taught me something in correlation to my loss.  I seemed to have lost heart.  People whom I barely knew recognize this loss and I get this feeling that because of my loss there is a loss for them as well.  I never knew I had this much of an impression.  I was even told by a couple people, who I have only met a couple times, that due to my move I will be missed.  First, again I did not know my impact.  Second, it is nice to know when you are missed.

So with the realization of this gift, that I apparently need to find again, I have a bit more strength to move onward. 

-Without communication, there is no relationship.  Without respect, there is no love.  Without trust, there is no reason to continue.

I am going to continue with the mindset and the acknowledgment that I should not chase things that do not exist or that keep running from me.  If you are truly wanted, it will be made known.  In my lesson, I have learned that besides playing Marco Polo with my heart, I have the gift (friend) 

....who is going to confirm my deductions and my thoughts,  

.... of an ear/eye to listen/read and help rid my mind of its insane imprisonment

....of a friend who sees things in life somewhat the same as I do so I do not feel completely demented ;)

....of distraction to remind me of what is important in life, and

....of protection from someone who would be by my side in an instant.

Life is ironic in that we need to experience one thing in order to understand the opposing view.  Example: We need pain to understand happiness.  So like I stated, I have some great friends who use their talents to strengthen mine.  The value of importance and meaning, when you do not have to fight alone.  The special thing about these people is that they understand no matter my condition, I would fight for them just as hard.

The time has come and my list of goals is expanding.  I may have to do them alone.....and then again maybe not, but at least I keep moving.

Knowing when to walk away is wisdom.

Being able to is courage.

Walking away, with your head held high is dignity.

P.S. Goodbye...

Wasted Memories?

Today used to be a special day as I would spend my Saturdays with a friend of mine, which was significant to me until I found out that those same memories meant nothing to this person. Now I just want to forget the memories I made.  Sometimes I would just like to say, 'You know these memories I made?  You can have them because I do not want them.'  I know that could be hurtful for someone else, but when the memories hurt, you really do not want to hold onto them. 

Nowadays I sometimes regret allowing myself to save specific time for this person, open up to become vulnerable with this person as far as I did, and allow certain feelings to form towards this person.  I will say that in the past I know I have told this person that I wish I did not care about the person as much as I did, but I could not control that completely.  The big thing about these moments is the connection that brought us closer than normal friendship, but was special because it was our own friendship.  Sadly, I was never good enough and the memories not important enough.

I then ask myself, what was real and what was fake?  What was meant for me or just meant for someone else, but given to me because I was there?  And then, what was just transferred and based on our friendship now, what else is just transferred?  Pretty soon you start to question the actual friendship with which you made your significant memories.  

You cannot be good enough for everybody, 

but you will always be the best for the one who deserves you.

So since I do not what is real or what really existed, I do not know if I want to keep these memories or just erase the last years we were friends.  It seems easier to just get rid of the memories as it makes the pain from them hurt less.  Guaranteed I lose a bit of love and caring, but that seems to be a minor sacrifice at times.

Memories are wonderful to make,

but sometimes painful to remember

It is said that time heals all wounds and to an extent I know this is true because for me the theory of 'out of sight, out of mind' seems to work as a band-aid until I scar over.  Dragging something out is pointless and accomplishes nothing.

To Erase Painful Memories:

After the cruel memory is seen and said,

erase these thoughts from my heart and my head.

Maybe it is just better to list the confusion of these memories and everything associated with them like this:

Some memories never fade.

People say that bad memories cause the most pain,

but actually it's the good ones that drive you insane.

My worst enemy is my memory

So what do I do with these memories? Give them away?  Erase them? Suppress them? Throw them away? What?  For now, I will just let time tell and see what happens because that is all I can do.  Did I waste time making these memories?  Did I waste time on this person?  These memories  could eventually end up being trash or treasure.  Guess I sit back and enjoy the ride......or at least this beautiful rose picture to the right as it is a love of mine <3


P.S. This may a bit excessive, but for once...I was a bit at a loss of words and everything included helped me do so.

Some Bit of Understanding

I will admit that in some posts I poor my heart out because I am passionate about the topic I'm writing about at that time like the post I wrote a few days ago about changing my heart, which then lead to some criticism initiating a post that the only thing I have right now is writing.  I believe that for writing to be effective a person has to write honestly and with passion, so with that belief I practice what I preach giving up a bit of my heart even though I do not have much of it left these days.

With life every changing, there is comfort in finding understanding for another if not acknowledgement.  In the course of saying 'see you later' to my friends as I journey on to relocate, I came across an amazing person who almost brought me to tears.  As we sat there having coffee, I listened to the stories this person told appreciating the bravery to open up and be vulnerable because honestly, this is one of the only places where I am purely vulnerable and open a bit of my soul.  The stories continued and I felt that something more was speaking to me through this individual telling me that I am not the only one with regrets or the feeling of being broken.  Now I know I am not the only one to feel certain ways, but it is hard at times to find someone at THAT specific moment in which those feelings exist.  

After our visit, I walked away in deep thought of the things we discussed, appreciation for the subliminal message received, gratitude that this person is in my life, and admiration for this person.  Admiration for guts to keep moving forward and guts to hold onto some things I recently gave up, like the dream of hope and a fairy-tale.

Apparently there is some message going around and leading me down a specific path of healing because I found this article, which made me think 'I acknowledge these things differently and get condemned while this person on a site that is probably more recognized as a professional blog.  I was almost hurt because of the feedback on my one post, but after a couple minutes I was more pleased to have a little bit of my lonely feeling acknowledged and that someone else could write about a condemned feeling.  Like the author, I understand that I must go through these feelings and the pain that breaks my heart with the inability to know what about the friendship was real or what parts were meant for me and what parts were meant for someone else that were expressed to me, which is frustrating as right now I could use that friend while at the same time I want to forget all those moments that meant something to me considering they may not have been for me.  Confused yet?  Yeah, me too.  I can only trust time now to see if I truly held any significance or, as someone asked me yesterday, if I was just being used.

With every step, with every change, and with every momentary feeling we eventually learn that it is something we must endure and not to sound trite, but we are human.  The greatest gift you can receive though, is someone in some form to hold your hand because then you are not alone.

Now....anyone need a coke and a mint?

Missing You

After watching a few movies these past few days, I realize that my blog needs a bit of heart and that I have been missing someone in my life, but I cannot do anything about it.  You see this person replaced me because the individual did not think I understood certain aspects of this person's life, but I did.  The person disregarded how I feel or felt towards that person, but that is not important to the individual.  I do not totally know if the pain comes from the fact of losing a friend as a result of being replaced or knowing that the individual will not miss me.

It may be weird to contemplate these things, but everyone wants to be worth something to someone else significant in their lives.  I realize that I cannot make someone feel for me what I feel for that individual, but I can walk away in processing through the situation.  For now, I cannot completely control who I miss even though I pray eventually this will wear off.

I am finding out that with missing a person comes regrets that you have to overcome because of the confusion of what is real and what is not.  If one thing was not significant, why would anything else be like?  I actually learned this lesson a long time ago with my ex, which taught me that words are just words.  The phrases 'I love you' or 'I'm sorry' do not hold any meaning and when actions start to say the same thing you question the authenticity of the sentiments.  For me, I found it easier to presume that it means nothing because it gives you an easier foundation to walk away.

So in correlation with missing a person, it is a sign that time is telling you to move on.  I am considering this as growth meaning I need to miss someone because I know how to appreciate a person.  I guess I am just fulfilling and obligation and that in itself is okay with me. :D

Too Many of the Wrong Excuses

This week as I found a new focus in life, leaving baggage behind that should not have been significant prior, I came across many interesting people who either did not know what they were saying or were truly as ignorant as I thought them to be.  These were people who had done something wrong whether offend a patron or replacing a friend out of fear and were feeling guilty.  So first these people blame the thing closest to them or blame the person who confronted them.  If this does not work they make the ultimate mistake, obvious to anyone with a bit of intellect, and make the statement, 'Well, that is how I am....,' which is sometimes followed by, '...you just need to accept me like I accept you.'

I get a migraine just reading those lines out of annoyance for the ignorance these people have to what they are actually doing.  

Well, that is how I am.....

I have a coworker who does not know how to sensor her thoughts that splurge out of her mouth, so what comes out is repeatedly offensive.  Now the excuse is that this rude behavior is a defense mechanism, but when you watch patrons look at her and wrinkle their noses you understand that what she said was not appropriate. (Not to mention I have received complaints shortly after her mouth has 'fired off').  How does a person receive such praise and yet be so ignorant at the people around to know that the words and how you say things become prejudice sounding and no one would want to be around you then?  Am I missing something?

...you just need to accept me like I accept you.

 That is like saying I can get away with anything because I am a girl or that a person is rude because he is a guy.  How does that logic make sense?  Since when did we stop holding people accountable?  On person both lines above to me, to which I scoffed.  A person in your life has been loyal by your side through an emotional self-recognition, you replace the person with new people including all the traditions you both held with no regard prior or after, and yet you blame the friend for you being disrespectful?  That is how you are and the friend is suppose to accept and forgive you each time you stab that person in the back?  Where is the logic?  There are reasons that punishment exists, it is because when you do something wrong you should not do it again.  This is like saying it is acceptable for a sex addict to cheat on their significant others.  Where is the common sense? Or more so, where is the humanity?

Maybe I am weird, but making excuses so a person can break rules, be rude and disrespectful, or do something wrong is not acceptable.  If that were the case, then boy, I am missing out on all the mischief I can get into.  I have just been troubled by this concept because these people do not feel any remorse.  I guess it is up to everyone out there reading this.  Do you accept excuses with the idea 'that is just how it is' or do you make people accountable?  I hold people accountable and if that person will not own up to what the excuse is for, then I guess I have time to move on and find someone with more similar morals that match mine.

The Maturity of Admitting When You are Done

Done-to be finished, a past participle...

There is a point where a person has to let go because wasting time on one thing will not end well.  For me, saying 'I am done,' usually associates with people.  I like to believe the best in people and I hope for the best for all of them, even the ones I do not like, but for some reason I have trouble letting go of them.  Part of that is a fear that if I walk away they will just let me, not caring that I am gone, which is really an indication they did not care in the first place.  The other part is the desire to help or be there to support others, which sadly you can only do for so long until you lose yourself.

Never choose someone who needs to think twice about choosing you.

As I got older I came to the mature realization that there is more to life than standing, waiting around for something to happen that is inevitably never going to happen.  You cannot make someone want you, but that does not mean that when they leave you for something you have to be there to pick up the pieces if it does not work out.  I did this once in the last couple years.  A friend developed what I like to call the 'ooooo, pretty shiny' syndrome and left me in the dust for the new 'thing.'  Unfortunately, the new 'thing' did not last long and the person expected me to be there to pick up the pieces.  It was like, 'hey, I'm going to try this one thing temporarily, but I expect you to wait here for me.'  I hate to say it, but my life does not stop because you told it to wait.  I have dreams too and they are not going to be accomplished if I keep sitting around waiting for you.

So at this age I have learned not too tolerate too much.  If something is meant to be, it will happen.  If someone wants you, that person will make it known.  If you are important to someone, that person will fight for you.  I came to a point where I am done fighting for something that keeps walking away.  If I was really wanted in the first place, there would be no walking away.

Follow your brain.  Your heart is stupid as shit.

Well, the 'ooooo, pretty shiny' syndrome has invaded my life again and this time I am not sitting around to find out what happens.  I am going to move and find my heart's desire in writing or even travelling.  I do not want a small entity of the world.  I want the whole thing.  I want to experience as much as I can.  So tonight I make a bucket list in the small attempt as my first steps of walking away from the thing that deserted me.  Should it come back, then I guess I have a choice to make if it is worth fighting for a third time, no excuses.  No 'if you were a friend you would understand,' no 'you are just doing this to get back at me,' and no blaming me because you screwed up and you know it.  These are demeaning statements and do not progress beyond anything, if anything they push away and add distance. (This is almost where I dare suggest reading Tabatha Coffey's Own it!, which should be a book about the common sense of taking responsibility, but not everyone understands the concept let alone either concept separately).  

Tonight, chapter one, goal one........get to sleep with no tears of the pain this person has caused because that person is not losing sleep over it and then start tomorrow anew knowing how you have harnessed your past strength that will be applied to your future.  Part two, begin the list to your future and go for it.