You ever have those days when there is something that just needs to be said, but as luck may have it you must keep your mouth closed on the matter? I seem to have this at some point in my day, every day.
Usually this is something that needs to be done when you disagree with someone, other times it is because whatever you think you should say may not need to be said at that time. Now I am a very sarcastic person and have what I like to call 'a sharp tongue.' Anyone could say one thing and my tongue lashes out the comback right on cue. I will admit that this may not be needed every time, funny or not, but it is something that needs to be learned on how to control. The tongue needs to be used properly (get your mind out of the gutter) and trained as if it were a pet. I may not have it harnessed completely, but I am working on it.
Today it had to do with something that I did not completely agree with. My head started to feel hot, my pits decided to sweat, and I pierced my lips together so I did not say anything. I may not have completely agreed or disagreed with what was being said, but I felt like I was being attacked. I really don't like to be considered 'the dumb one.' If I allowed myself, I get really nasty and attack on my own. The sad part about is, that I don't play nice in an attack. I PLAY DIRTY.
So, sometimes for the sake of maybe a relationship, of how you feel about someone, of maturity or responsibility, etc, I must say it is better to hold thy tongue. Who knows some day it might actually get cut off if you don't contain it.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Appreciate: to value or admire highly
I would just like to say that I bet quite a few people have never heard the word 'appreciate' and if they have they don't understand what it means.
I have this relationship with this person who I do not feel has ever TRULY been appreciated. You may be asking why I would think this. Well, when you thank a person for something they did and they act as if the phrase is a different language, well my friends that is when you know.
Since then I have worked really hard to make sure people know that I notice things like hold a door open, get me a pop when I myself didn't even know I was thirsty, or do something out of the ordinary. I have been taught, and believe, that two of the most powerful words you can ever utter to someone is 'thank you.' Why? Think about it. Someone is having a bad day, they do something for you maybe not even thinking their actions through and you say 'thank you.' I bet they didn't expect it and if they did expect that you should say it they did not expect that you WOULD say it. You can kill off a lot of bad moods with those two words. ( believe me I know).
I also like to be appreciated especially when I put a lot of work into what I did. At work, my co-worker and I scrubbed the cr*p out of a floor because it was filthy. Last time we did that the lady who inspects it said it wasn't good enough. My first thought was, 'What do you want me to do? Lick it off?' Those people who just keep taking and taking really need to find something else to do or maybe even a hobby, but come on, someone just spent very valuable time and effort for you to see that there was mud in the deep crevices of your floor.
Just remember to thank someone today because sometime when you really need that person they won't be there to help you. It's just two words, I don't think it is that hard, is it?
I have this relationship with this person who I do not feel has ever TRULY been appreciated. You may be asking why I would think this. Well, when you thank a person for something they did and they act as if the phrase is a different language, well my friends that is when you know.
Since then I have worked really hard to make sure people know that I notice things like hold a door open, get me a pop when I myself didn't even know I was thirsty, or do something out of the ordinary. I have been taught, and believe, that two of the most powerful words you can ever utter to someone is 'thank you.' Why? Think about it. Someone is having a bad day, they do something for you maybe not even thinking their actions through and you say 'thank you.' I bet they didn't expect it and if they did expect that you should say it they did not expect that you WOULD say it. You can kill off a lot of bad moods with those two words. ( believe me I know).
I also like to be appreciated especially when I put a lot of work into what I did. At work, my co-worker and I scrubbed the cr*p out of a floor because it was filthy. Last time we did that the lady who inspects it said it wasn't good enough. My first thought was, 'What do you want me to do? Lick it off?' Those people who just keep taking and taking really need to find something else to do or maybe even a hobby, but come on, someone just spent very valuable time and effort for you to see that there was mud in the deep crevices of your floor.
Just remember to thank someone today because sometime when you really need that person they won't be there to help you. It's just two words, I don't think it is that hard, is it?
'Dare to Dream' and in Chinese that's ........yeah
I once read this book by a specific author. Somehow I loved the book so much that I wanted to be a writer and inspire someone with the feeling that this author gave me. Unfortunately, just recently this author has been selling his books off the charts, doing interviews, and more associated with his writing.
I am sorry to say that I am actually disappointed in everything that has gone on with his fame. His interviews do not sound like the modest author who wanted to inspire someone, but that of an author who even though knows what he is doing is a bit full of himself.
It is sad to say that I am very disappointed. I fell in love with this author's books and to find out that he is not the type you necessarily want to look up to is like a kid finding out there is no Santa Claus. You wonder if he has forgotten you or even appreciates you because it is common knowledge that without you there is no him.
Part of me almost wants to quit writing, but then there is another part of me that says, 'because of you I can do better.' You have to remember the underdog. You have to remember the small people. You have to understand that without the base a pyramid does not stand a chance.
I am sorry to say that I am actually disappointed in everything that has gone on with his fame. His interviews do not sound like the modest author who wanted to inspire someone, but that of an author who even though knows what he is doing is a bit full of himself.
It is sad to say that I am very disappointed. I fell in love with this author's books and to find out that he is not the type you necessarily want to look up to is like a kid finding out there is no Santa Claus. You wonder if he has forgotten you or even appreciates you because it is common knowledge that without you there is no him.
Part of me almost wants to quit writing, but then there is another part of me that says, 'because of you I can do better.' You have to remember the underdog. You have to remember the small people. You have to understand that without the base a pyramid does not stand a chance.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Bathroom talk
I bet you looked at this title and thought, "Ew! Why are we going to talk about this and what are you specifically going to talk about concerning the bathroom?" Well here is the deal, how you handle yourself can say a lot about your personality. It can tell a person whether your good with money, if your responsible, and potentially how you handle your relationships.
Last night I went into my part time job which just so happens to include cleaning bathrooms. Nothing ticks me off more than seeing tampons and sanitary napkins not in the disposal that is provided. Picture this, a high prestigious student loan center and the ladies cannot simply put something so small and simple into a paper baggy that is located next to them as they are doing their business. The trash is less than two inches from your arm and you cannot just slip your waste in there? You could actually slip it in there by accident it is so close to you.
So, I clean the bathrooms using gloves to take care of the trash when I come across a filthy napkin. I wonder if people actually think about diseases and sanitation when they through these things away. Do you know what is in your body that may be harmful to someone else? Do you know what could develop if not handled properly? It makes me mad that someone could be so careless and thoughtless to the rest of the word because they have such a foul habit. I don't know if any of you out there have heard of at least wrapping your personal waste because A) no one needs to see what came out of you B) nobody needs your bodily fluids all over the bathroom or potentionally on them period. It is a public restroom, please be considerate.
So, we have established that at this very clean looking loan center where everyone dresses up in business type suits and clothing that there are those who are fake at work, but are actually dirty. Think about what this may say about how they work. Is this person the type who gets their work done on time or are they a slacker in this area of their life as well? If you can't do something simple how can you do something complicated? Now what about their relationships? This place is a bit of a call center, so do they handle their clients with the same disregard that they give their co-workers?
I know this may seem like a weird entry and some of you may wonder why put it out there. I'll tell you why, it is something to think about. How do you want to be portrayed? Do YOUR actions and personality get portrayed as you want them to in everything you do? Or....are you JUST trash?
Last night I went into my part time job which just so happens to include cleaning bathrooms. Nothing ticks me off more than seeing tampons and sanitary napkins not in the disposal that is provided. Picture this, a high prestigious student loan center and the ladies cannot simply put something so small and simple into a paper baggy that is located next to them as they are doing their business. The trash is less than two inches from your arm and you cannot just slip your waste in there? You could actually slip it in there by accident it is so close to you.
So, I clean the bathrooms using gloves to take care of the trash when I come across a filthy napkin. I wonder if people actually think about diseases and sanitation when they through these things away. Do you know what is in your body that may be harmful to someone else? Do you know what could develop if not handled properly? It makes me mad that someone could be so careless and thoughtless to the rest of the word because they have such a foul habit. I don't know if any of you out there have heard of at least wrapping your personal waste because A) no one needs to see what came out of you B) nobody needs your bodily fluids all over the bathroom or potentionally on them period. It is a public restroom, please be considerate.
So, we have established that at this very clean looking loan center where everyone dresses up in business type suits and clothing that there are those who are fake at work, but are actually dirty. Think about what this may say about how they work. Is this person the type who gets their work done on time or are they a slacker in this area of their life as well? If you can't do something simple how can you do something complicated? Now what about their relationships? This place is a bit of a call center, so do they handle their clients with the same disregard that they give their co-workers?
I know this may seem like a weird entry and some of you may wonder why put it out there. I'll tell you why, it is something to think about. How do you want to be portrayed? Do YOUR actions and personality get portrayed as you want them to in everything you do? Or....are you JUST trash?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Passion for..."The Book" part 2
My favorite author is Nicholas Sparks, but lately from the articles I have read I am a bit disappointed because I don't know if it is the author being a bit cocky or if it is the author of the article that can't write correctly so Nicholas gets portrayed as cocky.
He does know what he is talking about, but there is a difference between modest and good at your craft compared to gloating and rubbing it in every one's face. Funny thing is, I had started a book about Domestic Violence because it was a personal story I wanted to tell. Sad to say that when I was almost to my half way point "Safe Haven" came out. So much for an original story! I cried and even call my Mom (who has good advice) to tell her I quit. I recently received a tweet from Nicholas saying that "Writing well is always hard because original ideas are rare." My question to him, in which he has not responded, was "Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't every idea not an original idea, only that person's original story?" It was something my Mom told me to keep me writing.
If you really think about it there is nothing original in this world anymore: thoughts, plans, stories, etc. The only thing that is different is the fact that we are different people so how the story is told and some details can be original. We are all different, right?
He does know what he is talking about, but there is a difference between modest and good at your craft compared to gloating and rubbing it in every one's face. Funny thing is, I had started a book about Domestic Violence because it was a personal story I wanted to tell. Sad to say that when I was almost to my half way point "Safe Haven" came out. So much for an original story! I cried and even call my Mom (who has good advice) to tell her I quit. I recently received a tweet from Nicholas saying that "Writing well is always hard because original ideas are rare." My question to him, in which he has not responded, was "Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't every idea not an original idea, only that person's original story?" It was something my Mom told me to keep me writing.
If you really think about it there is nothing original in this world anymore: thoughts, plans, stories, etc. The only thing that is different is the fact that we are different people so how the story is told and some details can be original. We are all different, right?
Passion for ...'The Book'
I remember in high school an old friend once told me that when we were friends in our elementary years she remembered that I could not keep my nose out of a book. At that time I did not think she knew what she was talking about because I did not read much during that time and my passions were with other things life had to offer.
I graduated from high school and went to college wanting to perform music. Unfortunately, if destiny may have it, a professor who did not know how to relate to students yet had a Masters Degree in music, sent me crying to my dorm because I was worthless at music. When I thought of music I thought that I could reach the stars and inspire someone. I used to be able to play the piano by ear, that is until Mr. Masters Degree showed up.
Afterwards I just accepted that this was not the way for me to go. I went home and by my Mom's advice tried hair. To this day I still have my Cosmetology License, but I don't want to do hair because there is too much drama behind the chair. Not only do I not get paid the same as a therapist to listen to the customers issues, but then there is the gossip from the women that dominate this industry. In time you don't care about what the other girls did and need to escape the verbal vomit before you are sucked in too deep. (Yes, ladies you all know this is true so don't deny it.)
Since then my life has moved forward and here I am back to the books, but taking it a bit further as to write. If you can't tell the publishing industry is taking a hit due to new electronic devices that can upload your specific book request within minutes. I wonder if these same people understand the appreciation from which these devices evolved, the actual book. I love going to the library (no matter how sad the collection) and sifting through the books. The smell and the feeling that in these 100 or so pages can take you anywhere your heart desires and for FREE. I've been to North Carolina a few times, tweeted with an author in New York, time traveled to the 18th century, etc. I obviously don't like to just sit and do nothing :)
It's all in the experience, the learning, and the knowing that somewhere somehow you have more in the palm of your hands than any gas tank can take you. Kinda makes you feel like God a little bit by holding so much in your hands, huh?
I graduated from high school and went to college wanting to perform music. Unfortunately, if destiny may have it, a professor who did not know how to relate to students yet had a Masters Degree in music, sent me crying to my dorm because I was worthless at music. When I thought of music I thought that I could reach the stars and inspire someone. I used to be able to play the piano by ear, that is until Mr. Masters Degree showed up.
Afterwards I just accepted that this was not the way for me to go. I went home and by my Mom's advice tried hair. To this day I still have my Cosmetology License, but I don't want to do hair because there is too much drama behind the chair. Not only do I not get paid the same as a therapist to listen to the customers issues, but then there is the gossip from the women that dominate this industry. In time you don't care about what the other girls did and need to escape the verbal vomit before you are sucked in too deep. (Yes, ladies you all know this is true so don't deny it.)
Since then my life has moved forward and here I am back to the books, but taking it a bit further as to write. If you can't tell the publishing industry is taking a hit due to new electronic devices that can upload your specific book request within minutes. I wonder if these same people understand the appreciation from which these devices evolved, the actual book. I love going to the library (no matter how sad the collection) and sifting through the books. The smell and the feeling that in these 100 or so pages can take you anywhere your heart desires and for FREE. I've been to North Carolina a few times, tweeted with an author in New York, time traveled to the 18th century, etc. I obviously don't like to just sit and do nothing :)
It's all in the experience, the learning, and the knowing that somewhere somehow you have more in the palm of your hands than any gas tank can take you. Kinda makes you feel like God a little bit by holding so much in your hands, huh?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Lots on the mind today
I wanted to find something to write about that if you read it you would think I had some really high IQ or something. And if you just read that sentence you would be thinking, 'umm....yeah?' I tried reading some others people's blogs, but most are about families or haven't been touched for months. I have to laugh and wonder 'Hey, where did you go? I was just getting to know you and you left me.' It's almost as if I had a bad date or something.
So tomorrow I have a date. I am looking forward to it because I like the guy even though we are totally opposite. I am music, he is sports. I like Disney movies, he likes old westerns (yes, all the way back to John Wayne and his damsel In distress--I used to pronounce it Damsel in Dis Dress, it sounded funny).
To me it is interesting how different woman and men are. I live in the central part of the U.S. and it seems men don't care too much about their looks compared to if they were on the coastlines. I live in farm country where the only thing to really impress in maybe a cow or a field of something or other.
Anyway, not that long ago I got my hair cut because it felt awful and looked awful to me. Now I have my license in cosmetology and know that most guys here cut their hair for comfort: longer hair in the winter to keep warm and shorter in the summer to keep cool. Soon after I also colored my hair. My normal color is a dirty mousey looking blonde and I like more of a reddish color. It makes me feel more: more vivacious, more independent, sexier, and stronger. I have recently started putting on makeup a bit more often for the same exact reason. I got asked why I was wasting so much time changing who I was, when actually I wasn't changing at all. I explained to this person that sometimes I would like to feel better about myself, I want to have the feeling that I am that 'more' factor that I crave to be (sounds like a chocolate craving), but the fact is that I wasn't doing this to impress someone other than me.
I see teenagers today trying to be what they are not. I understand they are trying to find themselves because I have been there, but sometimes it is interesting to see to what lengths they will go to find what they need. I have, however, been seeing more girls trying to be something they are not to impress a guy. Let me just say that if I knew back then what I know now, I think my life would be a bit different. Maybe I would be a bit stronger instead of skeptic about if I am ever 'good enough' in what I do or who I am. I was so used to being the fat girl and I think this label may have taken over me sometimes.
I'm not really obsessed about stuff like that, but I still like to be MY best. If that means a little hair color and makeup, then so be it.
So tomorrow I have a date. I am looking forward to it because I like the guy even though we are totally opposite. I am music, he is sports. I like Disney movies, he likes old westerns (yes, all the way back to John Wayne and his damsel In distress--I used to pronounce it Damsel in Dis Dress, it sounded funny).
To me it is interesting how different woman and men are. I live in the central part of the U.S. and it seems men don't care too much about their looks compared to if they were on the coastlines. I live in farm country where the only thing to really impress in maybe a cow or a field of something or other.
Anyway, not that long ago I got my hair cut because it felt awful and looked awful to me. Now I have my license in cosmetology and know that most guys here cut their hair for comfort: longer hair in the winter to keep warm and shorter in the summer to keep cool. Soon after I also colored my hair. My normal color is a dirty mousey looking blonde and I like more of a reddish color. It makes me feel more: more vivacious, more independent, sexier, and stronger. I have recently started putting on makeup a bit more often for the same exact reason. I got asked why I was wasting so much time changing who I was, when actually I wasn't changing at all. I explained to this person that sometimes I would like to feel better about myself, I want to have the feeling that I am that 'more' factor that I crave to be (sounds like a chocolate craving), but the fact is that I wasn't doing this to impress someone other than me.
I see teenagers today trying to be what they are not. I understand they are trying to find themselves because I have been there, but sometimes it is interesting to see to what lengths they will go to find what they need. I have, however, been seeing more girls trying to be something they are not to impress a guy. Let me just say that if I knew back then what I know now, I think my life would be a bit different. Maybe I would be a bit stronger instead of skeptic about if I am ever 'good enough' in what I do or who I am. I was so used to being the fat girl and I think this label may have taken over me sometimes.
I'm not really obsessed about stuff like that, but I still like to be MY best. If that means a little hair color and makeup, then so be it.
Friday, March 18, 2011
A moment of pleasure is a life time of pain
I had a bad day today. Yes, I know everyone has them and they stink (I would use a different word, but I don't feel like offending anyone ELSE today). It is hard to start a day bad and realize that you actually have to finish the day no matter how bad it gets. It's like taking a dreaded never-ending travel knowing that in the end there is nothing there waiting for you. I hate bad days....period.
The day didn't start right, it didn't end right, and everything in the middle was a blur. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and just disappear. This feeling is starting to feel a bit familiar lately. Let me explain a bit. When I was in seventh grade I saw a show about self-mutilation. It was interesting and I couldn't understand what that was all about. So, I tried it. Yes, I physically took a knife to my wrist and cut. The first one wasn't real deep, but as time progressed I started to tear away at more skin layers. I know at some point in time things had gotten so bad that I would be cutting everyday.
I know this is serious and a bit hard to grasp. I also know this is now in the public, but it is serious and needs to be known and talked about. I remember getting so deep at one point that I covered it with a watch because at that time my Mom did not know what I was doing to myself. The cut became infected and turned green like it was getting moldy.
As much as I hate to say it this went on for some time through a course of therapy and even pills. Different places on my body were tried and at one point I had some weird mindset that I could perform liposuction on myself. It was a hard time in my life and I didn't know how to deal with it or even how to talk and explain to someone that I hurt inside.
Life does get better even though sometimes it doesn't seem worth living. I still have things I want to do like travel to Paris and I don't know if I am actually ready to give up on that yet. I want to get married and have kids because I want to show someone a better world even it is real or not.
In case you are wondering I have not cut for about four years now. I still get the urge every once in awhile just like an ex-smoker craves a cigarette, but I have a bit more will power telling I don't need to feel this type of pain. I believe anyone can get through something like this, but sometimes it takes a bit of a push and then some muscle. With the good comes the bad...you just need to figure out how you can deal with it and move on.
The day didn't start right, it didn't end right, and everything in the middle was a blur. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and just disappear. This feeling is starting to feel a bit familiar lately. Let me explain a bit. When I was in seventh grade I saw a show about self-mutilation. It was interesting and I couldn't understand what that was all about. So, I tried it. Yes, I physically took a knife to my wrist and cut. The first one wasn't real deep, but as time progressed I started to tear away at more skin layers. I know at some point in time things had gotten so bad that I would be cutting everyday.
I know this is serious and a bit hard to grasp. I also know this is now in the public, but it is serious and needs to be known and talked about. I remember getting so deep at one point that I covered it with a watch because at that time my Mom did not know what I was doing to myself. The cut became infected and turned green like it was getting moldy.
As much as I hate to say it this went on for some time through a course of therapy and even pills. Different places on my body were tried and at one point I had some weird mindset that I could perform liposuction on myself. It was a hard time in my life and I didn't know how to deal with it or even how to talk and explain to someone that I hurt inside.
Life does get better even though sometimes it doesn't seem worth living. I still have things I want to do like travel to Paris and I don't know if I am actually ready to give up on that yet. I want to get married and have kids because I want to show someone a better world even it is real or not.
In case you are wondering I have not cut for about four years now. I still get the urge every once in awhile just like an ex-smoker craves a cigarette, but I have a bit more will power telling I don't need to feel this type of pain. I believe anyone can get through something like this, but sometimes it takes a bit of a push and then some muscle. With the good comes the bad...you just need to figure out how you can deal with it and move on.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
What's love got to do with it?
There are so many sayings, songs, and lately books on love or romance. Most common saying would be "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." by St. Augustine. I don't agree with this. If you think about it how many times have you fallen in love? Now think about the love that eventually ended? It hurt didn't it, so why would you want to hurt? It's like self-mutilation, but from the inside out.
I know some will not agree because with each person they may have loved they learned something new about themselves, but I feel that it doesn't take love to learn about yourself. I found this quote, "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition." by Alexander Smith. I would say I more agree with this. How do you know what you are or what you could be OR what completes you without love? Let me give an example. When I was 18 I cut off most contact with one of my family members because I did not feel that I deserved to be emotionally and psychologically abused to tears. (this took place over the course from age 7 to 18). This person assumed that I was something that I was not thus leading to and end to a relationship.
Now I was young and really loved this person, but I had learned over time that I needed to love myself more or I would completely self-destruct. Now because of someone else in my life, a new love, I have strength to pursue this old love. Yes, it is a cautious step by step deal, but at least time I have someone who is going to hold my hand through it. I TRUST that this person would not allow anything to happen to me whether done by someone else or myself.
I may only be a little over a quarter century old, but that doesn't mean I stop learning. Love is about passion, passion for the love of your life, what they do, who they are, or even what they love. In return they should give you the same love back. I may not LOVE basketball, but I love that he loves it and how it IS something we can share together.
I picked the title of a song sung by Tina Turner not only because it is a good song, but it does hold a lot of truth. Think back to what you do in your life probably more specifically the stuff you like to ....now....what's love got to do with it?
I know some will not agree because with each person they may have loved they learned something new about themselves, but I feel that it doesn't take love to learn about yourself. I found this quote, "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition." by Alexander Smith. I would say I more agree with this. How do you know what you are or what you could be OR what completes you without love? Let me give an example. When I was 18 I cut off most contact with one of my family members because I did not feel that I deserved to be emotionally and psychologically abused to tears. (this took place over the course from age 7 to 18). This person assumed that I was something that I was not thus leading to and end to a relationship.
Now I was young and really loved this person, but I had learned over time that I needed to love myself more or I would completely self-destruct. Now because of someone else in my life, a new love, I have strength to pursue this old love. Yes, it is a cautious step by step deal, but at least time I have someone who is going to hold my hand through it. I TRUST that this person would not allow anything to happen to me whether done by someone else or myself.
I may only be a little over a quarter century old, but that doesn't mean I stop learning. Love is about passion, passion for the love of your life, what they do, who they are, or even what they love. In return they should give you the same love back. I may not LOVE basketball, but I love that he loves it and how it IS something we can share together.
I picked the title of a song sung by Tina Turner not only because it is a good song, but it does hold a lot of truth. Think back to what you do in your life probably more specifically the stuff you like to ....now....what's love got to do with it?
Sex.....must I say more?
I'm trying to figure out where to start from here. Usually I am not at a loss for words, but sometimes not knowing which path to take can leave you speechless. Maybe it is the fact that there is actually too much said about sex or even too much done.
In school it is something that you learn specifically learn from your friend and teachers both of which have different views. Your teacher will teach you about all the proper terms and how everything properly or medically go together. From your inexperienced friends (hopefully) you learn a different side almost dirty.
This side is more based on feeling and the pressure to fit in. Sex to me is more of a recreational experience. I would prefer to make love where your emotions build up inside of you and you let go. You release or bare all you have to the person you are with. I know that is something that is hard in this age, but somewhere down the line you have to be responsible and realize that there is more than just biology to this.
In school it is something that you learn specifically learn from your friend and teachers both of which have different views. Your teacher will teach you about all the proper terms and how everything properly or medically go together. From your inexperienced friends (hopefully) you learn a different side almost dirty.
This side is more based on feeling and the pressure to fit in. Sex to me is more of a recreational experience. I would prefer to make love where your emotions build up inside of you and you let go. You release or bare all you have to the person you are with. I know that is something that is hard in this age, but somewhere down the line you have to be responsible and realize that there is more than just biology to this.
Random thoughts intersect...
I started a 5 part blog and somehow got a bit stuck because I have been thinking of other things in life. This may become a bit more on the personal side for me, but that is ok.
When I was younger I was a bit of an outcast in school. I remember one time, my senior year, I got flowers for Valentine's Day from my small group of friends. My locker was next to what society would call 'a dumb popular jock.' (keep in mind this is the nicest thing I can say about him and most of his friends). I remember a friend of mine giving him a mouth full because he had muttered that I had sent the flowers to myself.
I recently found this guy on Facebook. I was not surprised that he, being the close-minded jerk I remember from highschool, is pictured with a tall, skinny, blonde lady who it seems to be safe to assume he has a relationship with. He actually reminds me of my cousin, who just had a baby, in the fact that I can't believe someone would be so desperate to be with him. It is something that steams me up, a lot.
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In order to stay objective and for respect for privacy this blog entry will not be finished. Fortunately it has inspired some thoughts to clear and develop for other pieces that need to be finished.
When I was younger I was a bit of an outcast in school. I remember one time, my senior year, I got flowers for Valentine's Day from my small group of friends. My locker was next to what society would call 'a dumb popular jock.' (keep in mind this is the nicest thing I can say about him and most of his friends). I remember a friend of mine giving him a mouth full because he had muttered that I had sent the flowers to myself.
I recently found this guy on Facebook. I was not surprised that he, being the close-minded jerk I remember from highschool, is pictured with a tall, skinny, blonde lady who it seems to be safe to assume he has a relationship with. He actually reminds me of my cousin, who just had a baby, in the fact that I can't believe someone would be so desperate to be with him. It is something that steams me up, a lot.
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In order to stay objective and for respect for privacy this blog entry will not be finished. Fortunately it has inspired some thoughts to clear and develop for other pieces that need to be finished.
Trust in...
This one I would have to say is hard for me. When I was younger I was a bit of an outcast. Part of that is I believed that if I didn't put my trust in anyone then they would not hurt me. Remember those times when you ask someone to keep your secret and they don't? Well, in theory you can avoid those times, but it does leave you a bit lonely.
It might have been a issue back when my parents were about to get a divorce. I had learned in school what 'divorce' was and was scared of it. I remember asking both my parents if they were going to get a divorce. Both said 'no,' but unfortunately as time rolled on it was inevitable.
I am learning that in order to be with someone, anyone you must trust them, and we are not talking just a little bit but wholeheartedly. You also can't love without trust. I wrote an article about trust that someday I can submit it to a woman's magazine. I am hoping that maybe there is someone like me who believes that sometimes the only person you can depend on is yourself, the only person who cannot hurt you is yourself, and if you want something done do it yourself. So, I'm working on all of the above now learning that it is at least part of this thinking that leads to pushing people away or in fact have them appear as if they have let you down.
Sometimes you just have to believe like the justice system does or should: innocent until proven guilty.
It might have been a issue back when my parents were about to get a divorce. I had learned in school what 'divorce' was and was scared of it. I remember asking both my parents if they were going to get a divorce. Both said 'no,' but unfortunately as time rolled on it was inevitable.
I am learning that in order to be with someone, anyone you must trust them, and we are not talking just a little bit but wholeheartedly. You also can't love without trust. I wrote an article about trust that someday I can submit it to a woman's magazine. I am hoping that maybe there is someone like me who believes that sometimes the only person you can depend on is yourself, the only person who cannot hurt you is yourself, and if you want something done do it yourself. So, I'm working on all of the above now learning that it is at least part of this thinking that leads to pushing people away or in fact have them appear as if they have let you down.
Sometimes you just have to believe like the justice system does or should: innocent until proven guilty.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Honesty is the best policy
The next topic is closely related to the last entry. I would say it's like twins, they are so close to being the same, but unfortunately have their own personality. It's honesty.
I go back to a few memories back to my college years at Augustana. I was young and passionate about music specifically performing it. I wanted to belt out the notes to an audience as if to mesmerize or hypnotize them. Unfortunately, with as much practice as I could squeeze in I later found out that be best was done in the shower behind the curtain alone with myself. You probably ask why? Let me tell you.
During my lessons my instructor repeatedly had to tell me to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be naked as if exposing myself to others. This may seem like a simple idea, but it harder than it looks. In today's world you see stars and celebs who open their mouths and think how beautiful that sound is that is pouring out. What you don't understand is that this is them, their personality, this is who they are.
As I continued onward I was not able to expose the real me. I didn't want to know anyone or to have anyone know me because in that time of my life I was terrified of what people would think of me. Tell me, do you think you could stand in the middle of your town or city naked for everyone to see not taking into consideration the law factor? I could not. I was ashamed of who I was and possibly who I was to become and this is what came out in my music as I sang. I may have sang my heart out, but my heart was scared and would have rather hid itself from the rest of the world.
So, we all know that I am not a famous actor, singer, or performer, but I have learned a little more about walking tall and accepting who I TRULY am. Before I could not expose everything that is inside me and as far as singing is concerned I may never be able to tell all. Now writing is different because I can expose myself while hiding behind myself. Why should I be anyone, but me?
I go back to a few memories back to my college years at Augustana. I was young and passionate about music specifically performing it. I wanted to belt out the notes to an audience as if to mesmerize or hypnotize them. Unfortunately, with as much practice as I could squeeze in I later found out that be best was done in the shower behind the curtain alone with myself. You probably ask why? Let me tell you.
During my lessons my instructor repeatedly had to tell me to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be naked as if exposing myself to others. This may seem like a simple idea, but it harder than it looks. In today's world you see stars and celebs who open their mouths and think how beautiful that sound is that is pouring out. What you don't understand is that this is them, their personality, this is who they are.
As I continued onward I was not able to expose the real me. I didn't want to know anyone or to have anyone know me because in that time of my life I was terrified of what people would think of me. Tell me, do you think you could stand in the middle of your town or city naked for everyone to see not taking into consideration the law factor? I could not. I was ashamed of who I was and possibly who I was to become and this is what came out in my music as I sang. I may have sang my heart out, but my heart was scared and would have rather hid itself from the rest of the world.
So, we all know that I am not a famous actor, singer, or performer, but I have learned a little more about walking tall and accepting who I TRULY am. Before I could not expose everything that is inside me and as far as singing is concerned I may never be able to tell all. Now writing is different because I can expose myself while hiding behind myself. Why should I be anyone, but me?
Truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
I know I have to get this entered today. My goal was to write a blog a day, but I wanted to start with truth which is a bit hard to come across. I try to think do we want to go into the 'I'm telling you the truth' type scenario or to find the deepest truths, but then it seems that truth and honesty are very closely related a bit more than I had expected.
When I think of the word 'truth' my mind travels back in time to when I was younger and persistently asked 'why' to everything. Why is the sky blue? (because it reflects the ocean) Why is the ocean blue? (because it reflects the sky) Where do babies come from? (I'll tell you when your older?) Am I older now? (no you are not) When will I be older?---exhausted yet?
Why is it that when your young you want to know more about everything, but as we age we just accept that this is the way it is suppose to be? Have you ever looked at your hand and had that out of body experience where you have a scientific thought as to 'how does this exist? how are these mechanics possible?' I have many times. I may not have ever found an answer to my question, but there is nothing wrong with a little food for thought.
Take for example, "What Dreams May Come" starring Robin Williams. This is one of my favorite movies because of the thoughts it provokes. (I have yet to read the book associated with this movie). In the movie Robin Williams it walking under water to his house while talking to Cuba Gooding Jr., who is walking on top of the water, about what he actually is. Robin's character makes a smarta** comment about being under water and not having to worry about dying. Cuba then confronts him about what has died. Are we a hand, a leg, a brain? What exactly are we? How do we think?
We spend out time make things out of something else knowing that everything has a beginning and an end, so basically we cannot fathom how we are who we are. Science tries to predict it, religion just gives an excuse, leaving us to ask 'what is the actual truth and will we ever know it?'
When I think of the word 'truth' my mind travels back in time to when I was younger and persistently asked 'why' to everything. Why is the sky blue? (because it reflects the ocean) Why is the ocean blue? (because it reflects the sky) Where do babies come from? (I'll tell you when your older?) Am I older now? (no you are not) When will I be older?---exhausted yet?
Why is it that when your young you want to know more about everything, but as we age we just accept that this is the way it is suppose to be? Have you ever looked at your hand and had that out of body experience where you have a scientific thought as to 'how does this exist? how are these mechanics possible?' I have many times. I may not have ever found an answer to my question, but there is nothing wrong with a little food for thought.
Take for example, "What Dreams May Come" starring Robin Williams. This is one of my favorite movies because of the thoughts it provokes. (I have yet to read the book associated with this movie). In the movie Robin Williams it walking under water to his house while talking to Cuba Gooding Jr., who is walking on top of the water, about what he actually is. Robin's character makes a smarta** comment about being under water and not having to worry about dying. Cuba then confronts him about what has died. Are we a hand, a leg, a brain? What exactly are we? How do we think?
We spend out time make things out of something else knowing that everything has a beginning and an end, so basically we cannot fathom how we are who we are. Science tries to predict it, religion just gives an excuse, leaving us to ask 'what is the actual truth and will we ever know it?'
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Love, Sex, Truth, Honesty, and Trust
Preface:
This is going to be a five part deal. I like to talk about things that affect everyone and differently from the next. These five things partially run the world (besides money) and sometimes most of us don't realize it because we don't understand it. Everything is difficult and nothing is easy. If things were easy we would all have everything we wanted, there would be no celebs and others, there would be no competition or passion or satisfaction.
So where do we start? Truth sounds like a ease in topic, but love is controversial. Honesty is objective while trust fades sometimes to nothing. Now sex...well, that's just trouble not matter which way you look at it.
I know there are more to life than just this list above, but these are deep topics, touchy topics, and can be very argumentative topics. They are topics that strike passion in a person's heart like a match to a flame. I sometimes wonder which is more important, which one could you live without, and which one controls your life. Almost sounds like food, you eat it or you don't.
This is going to be a five part deal. I like to talk about things that affect everyone and differently from the next. These five things partially run the world (besides money) and sometimes most of us don't realize it because we don't understand it. Everything is difficult and nothing is easy. If things were easy we would all have everything we wanted, there would be no celebs and others, there would be no competition or passion or satisfaction.
So where do we start? Truth sounds like a ease in topic, but love is controversial. Honesty is objective while trust fades sometimes to nothing. Now sex...well, that's just trouble not matter which way you look at it.
I know there are more to life than just this list above, but these are deep topics, touchy topics, and can be very argumentative topics. They are topics that strike passion in a person's heart like a match to a flame. I sometimes wonder which is more important, which one could you live without, and which one controls your life. Almost sounds like food, you eat it or you don't.
Jobs.....
Tonight I put some extra time at work cleaning floors. I guess the people before me did not keep up the cleaning the way they should have, so I had to do a little extra. It wasn't so bad to start with, but after you sit on all fours scrubbing and still having an issue getting the scum off the floor you wonder why people can't finish a job.
So, I survived the cleaning and when I got home I had to fill out at least four documents for another job I applied for. I figured they have called me three times so they must be interested. I thought it was weird, however, that one email in particular had mentioned looking up a website and reviewing how to interview. 1) I have read the article at the website long ago which means it is old. 2) After you get rejected a few times don't you think you would look up how you can improve yourself to be that person's number one pick for next time? I guess I'm not like everyone else that way. Did they mention putting your resume and references in a blue folder because it is a calming color or dress in black because it compliments the body? Nope they didn't. I guess I am suppose to call the lady who scheduled the interview after the interview itself. I am kinda nervous, but I have to wonder if this is too much.
They say on application papers that they do not discriminate and then list the categories, but after a bunch of paperwork aren't you just walking the fine line of potentially discriminating against someone? I wonder how much information can I give you without actually giving you any information.
I hate interviews period. I don't know if it is the confrontation or the fact that I somehow get so nervous that I look guilty of something when I am there in front of these people trying to impress them. It's almost like dating. You get dressed up so you look what you think they will think is good and then proceed to pray that you don't make a mistake. Maybe I should just spill a drink on my clothes and get it over with.
So, I survived the cleaning and when I got home I had to fill out at least four documents for another job I applied for. I figured they have called me three times so they must be interested. I thought it was weird, however, that one email in particular had mentioned looking up a website and reviewing how to interview. 1) I have read the article at the website long ago which means it is old. 2) After you get rejected a few times don't you think you would look up how you can improve yourself to be that person's number one pick for next time? I guess I'm not like everyone else that way. Did they mention putting your resume and references in a blue folder because it is a calming color or dress in black because it compliments the body? Nope they didn't. I guess I am suppose to call the lady who scheduled the interview after the interview itself. I am kinda nervous, but I have to wonder if this is too much.
They say on application papers that they do not discriminate and then list the categories, but after a bunch of paperwork aren't you just walking the fine line of potentially discriminating against someone? I wonder how much information can I give you without actually giving you any information.
I hate interviews period. I don't know if it is the confrontation or the fact that I somehow get so nervous that I look guilty of something when I am there in front of these people trying to impress them. It's almost like dating. You get dressed up so you look what you think they will think is good and then proceed to pray that you don't make a mistake. Maybe I should just spill a drink on my clothes and get it over with.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The book is in my head! Get it out!
I recently started a book called Outside the Ordinary World by Dori Ostermiller. It was in the 'New' section of the library, but trust me that is not saying much. I have about 100 pages left to read and it is really keeping my interest. It is about infidelity, but also fear of repetition of the past. The main character, Sylvia Sandon, is going through a dilemma: ' to cheat or not to cheat.' At the same time she is trying not to repeat what her mother once did.
My thoughts go in two different directions with this to figure out where my truth lies. One fork ponders the potential of infidelity. I know everyone has played one of two parts, but doesn't make trust an easier part of life. People have so much more opportunities to cheat. It is for this reason that I hate chat rooms now. I remember when I was younger and as much as you wanted to find someone to talk to you basically found predators. I remember thinking 'why can't these people keep it clean? Do we really have to be trashy about this stuff?'
Now I have no problem with sex or making love (keep in mind there is a BIG difference between the two), but watching people enter their thoughts and comments in such a vulgar manner made me wonder what has happened to us? Fine if you want freedom of speech, ok you want to be open and honest, but do you realize that with what you are putting out there you are advertising something that is not worth paying for. It makes you wonder why people want to show how cheap they are and that they don't believe in themselves. I like to think the best in people, but that is not always the way to go.
It is through experiences and thoughts like these that I learn to trust a little more everyday the people I am meant to trust. I remember during different dating experiences thinking that I was going to end up like my parents...divorced and then for the cherry to top it, end up alone. I was scared to be 'naked' in front of whomever I was with because letting my guard down meant I was allowing this person to see me at my utmost vulnerability. If it wasn't going to last forever why allow my heart to be broken.
It is still hard for me that my destiny is to end with divorce in a relationship, but I can't let it control me. I know we are all scared of something in our past that may hinder us in the present. It is what we chose to do with that controls where we end up. I once read an article on Will and Jada Smith. It was about why their marriage was labeled 'good.' I guess Will's response was that they chose to label divorce not an option in their relationship. As much as I want to believe this 100%, part of me still says 'what if?'
What if I am meant to have my 'Cinderella' fairytale marriage, with a smooth running June Cleaver household, and my ever dreamed of Disney happy ending. Every girls' dream right? Not the same way I see it.
I must say from all this it is interesting where a book can lead you especially if it is written well enough to suck you in and make you think. I wonder what we would do if we couldn't think or imagine things beyond what's in front of us, but that is too deep a thought and should be left for another time,....right? ;-)
My thoughts go in two different directions with this to figure out where my truth lies. One fork ponders the potential of infidelity. I know everyone has played one of two parts, but doesn't make trust an easier part of life. People have so much more opportunities to cheat. It is for this reason that I hate chat rooms now. I remember when I was younger and as much as you wanted to find someone to talk to you basically found predators. I remember thinking 'why can't these people keep it clean? Do we really have to be trashy about this stuff?'
Now I have no problem with sex or making love (keep in mind there is a BIG difference between the two), but watching people enter their thoughts and comments in such a vulgar manner made me wonder what has happened to us? Fine if you want freedom of speech, ok you want to be open and honest, but do you realize that with what you are putting out there you are advertising something that is not worth paying for. It makes you wonder why people want to show how cheap they are and that they don't believe in themselves. I like to think the best in people, but that is not always the way to go.
It is through experiences and thoughts like these that I learn to trust a little more everyday the people I am meant to trust. I remember during different dating experiences thinking that I was going to end up like my parents...divorced and then for the cherry to top it, end up alone. I was scared to be 'naked' in front of whomever I was with because letting my guard down meant I was allowing this person to see me at my utmost vulnerability. If it wasn't going to last forever why allow my heart to be broken.
It is still hard for me that my destiny is to end with divorce in a relationship, but I can't let it control me. I know we are all scared of something in our past that may hinder us in the present. It is what we chose to do with that controls where we end up. I once read an article on Will and Jada Smith. It was about why their marriage was labeled 'good.' I guess Will's response was that they chose to label divorce not an option in their relationship. As much as I want to believe this 100%, part of me still says 'what if?'
What if I am meant to have my 'Cinderella' fairytale marriage, with a smooth running June Cleaver household, and my ever dreamed of Disney happy ending. Every girls' dream right? Not the same way I see it.
I must say from all this it is interesting where a book can lead you especially if it is written well enough to suck you in and make you think. I wonder what we would do if we couldn't think or imagine things beyond what's in front of us, but that is too deep a thought and should be left for another time,....right? ;-)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Over flow of 'Mommy and Me'
They say that at my age the clock starts ticking and some days when I spend time with my niece I would agree, but other times maybe not so much. I wonder if this is wrong thinking stereotypically that my life should include being married and having kids. It sounds so June Cleaver to me. I hate to say that with marriage and kids I fear losing myself a bit. There are some days I miss the girl who took a risk, she would dance in the rain, had an interest in sports cars and motorcycles, and dreamed of traveling around Europe specifically Paris.
I guess I could say I met a fork in the road and changed my path. Every now and then I look back and feel as if I abandoned something, something that was really important to me and I might unintentionally forget someday becasue it will have faded away.
I'm not saying I regret the change or that I dislike my choice, but maybe I wish I could have taken part of that girl with me for the trip, a companion who understands where I come from. I do want to have kids. I don't want to be one of those mushy moms where we have to take a picture every second of the kids life and has the intellectual conversations on bottles and diaper rash.
I want to be a mother who opens a world for her children. I want them to know about their parents past and learn. I want them to be well behaved, open to new thoughts, accepting of difference, have an appreciation for opposites like sports and music. I want them to have a gift of their story only known to them and their parents written down for them to remember.
I write this and think back to when I was young, climbing tractors, riding on hay bales, taking care of the animals, the bridge my mom and I walked down to look for frogs, how I visited my grandparents and learned to sew from my Grandma, the move to a different state, the beginning of an end, the war that provoked my physical pain, my independence, and my trust. I share these flashbacks knowing anyone reading this will not understand my memories, but maybe understand the appreciation of change.
I will find that girl I once knew only she will hopefully be teaching her daughter cartwheels under the apple trees and watching her son play football. I know she will be there passing her experiences to her children and showing them not only the real world that we are obligated to live in, but also the world in a magical perspective.
P.S. This is what happens when you find many blogs with.....Mommy and Me
I guess I could say I met a fork in the road and changed my path. Every now and then I look back and feel as if I abandoned something, something that was really important to me and I might unintentionally forget someday becasue it will have faded away.
I'm not saying I regret the change or that I dislike my choice, but maybe I wish I could have taken part of that girl with me for the trip, a companion who understands where I come from. I do want to have kids. I don't want to be one of those mushy moms where we have to take a picture every second of the kids life and has the intellectual conversations on bottles and diaper rash.
I want to be a mother who opens a world for her children. I want them to know about their parents past and learn. I want them to be well behaved, open to new thoughts, accepting of difference, have an appreciation for opposites like sports and music. I want them to have a gift of their story only known to them and their parents written down for them to remember.
I write this and think back to when I was young, climbing tractors, riding on hay bales, taking care of the animals, the bridge my mom and I walked down to look for frogs, how I visited my grandparents and learned to sew from my Grandma, the move to a different state, the beginning of an end, the war that provoked my physical pain, my independence, and my trust. I share these flashbacks knowing anyone reading this will not understand my memories, but maybe understand the appreciation of change.
I will find that girl I once knew only she will hopefully be teaching her daughter cartwheels under the apple trees and watching her son play football. I know she will be there passing her experiences to her children and showing them not only the real world that we are obligated to live in, but also the world in a magical perspective.
P.S. This is what happens when you find many blogs with.....Mommy and Me
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Cheers to you.... walking the fine line!
So many things to say and don't know if there is enough time or understanding to explain them.
I started this blog....
* because I like to write. I want to have a voice, one that people might actually hear.
* because I want to inspire. I want to make a difference in someone's life. I know you can't touch everyone, but to have someone say "yes, I get it. It all makes sense." is a dream of mine.
* because I like to paint. I like to paint with words. I don't need color, texture, or even a big mess to show you I made something. Don't get me wrong people who can do it that way are talented, but that way didn't work for me.
* because I want more in life. I want to keep learning. I want to know more about this AND that.
* because I was inspired by someone and encouraged by people who loved me that I could do all of the above. (Thanks guys. I love you)
So, why the name? I recently had a conversation with my Mom about writing and somehow came across a reference to 'A Beautiful Mind.' I had not seen the movie until shortly after this conversation. I loved how intricate it was and how it played with the mind of the audience. It was interesting to me how we see what we want and what really is, but maybe what is suppose to be the real deal is actually a fantasy. Ok, slow down because now we are entering Matrix territory. After watching the movie I started to think how there is a fine line between genius and insanity (Then thoughts of my brother came to mind. If you don't know him let me explain, he tried to convince a teacher death is a disease. We all get it and it is incureable. I know....deep deep thought.)
Do we ignore people who are beyond our thinking because we don't understand them or do we just hide them thinking that their particular thoughts are not the norm or fit with the rest of the world? Are we close-minded as a society? We watch movies and think things on the screen could never happen, but aren't things like that usually inspired by something in real life, so does that mean.......?
Yes, I dream a bit, fantasize, and somehow half my mind refuses to live in what we call the real world. I believe Never-Neverland somehow exists. I believe music and words are the most beautiful things that are in black and white (besides old photos). I believe in karma, that fairies and Santa possibly exist, and that dancing in the rain washes away pain. I am an aspiring writer trying to stretch her neck a little further than the next guy just to catch a glimpse....you tell me.
I started this blog....
* because I like to write. I want to have a voice, one that people might actually hear.
* because I want to inspire. I want to make a difference in someone's life. I know you can't touch everyone, but to have someone say "yes, I get it. It all makes sense." is a dream of mine.
* because I like to paint. I like to paint with words. I don't need color, texture, or even a big mess to show you I made something. Don't get me wrong people who can do it that way are talented, but that way didn't work for me.
* because I want more in life. I want to keep learning. I want to know more about this AND that.
* because I was inspired by someone and encouraged by people who loved me that I could do all of the above. (Thanks guys. I love you)
So, why the name? I recently had a conversation with my Mom about writing and somehow came across a reference to 'A Beautiful Mind.' I had not seen the movie until shortly after this conversation. I loved how intricate it was and how it played with the mind of the audience. It was interesting to me how we see what we want and what really is, but maybe what is suppose to be the real deal is actually a fantasy. Ok, slow down because now we are entering Matrix territory. After watching the movie I started to think how there is a fine line between genius and insanity (Then thoughts of my brother came to mind. If you don't know him let me explain, he tried to convince a teacher death is a disease. We all get it and it is incureable. I know....deep deep thought.)
Do we ignore people who are beyond our thinking because we don't understand them or do we just hide them thinking that their particular thoughts are not the norm or fit with the rest of the world? Are we close-minded as a society? We watch movies and think things on the screen could never happen, but aren't things like that usually inspired by something in real life, so does that mean.......?
Yes, I dream a bit, fantasize, and somehow half my mind refuses to live in what we call the real world. I believe Never-Neverland somehow exists. I believe music and words are the most beautiful things that are in black and white (besides old photos). I believe in karma, that fairies and Santa possibly exist, and that dancing in the rain washes away pain. I am an aspiring writer trying to stretch her neck a little further than the next guy just to catch a glimpse....you tell me.
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