I had a bad day today. Yes, I know everyone has them and they stink (I would use a different word, but I don't feel like offending anyone ELSE today). It is hard to start a day bad and realize that you actually have to finish the day no matter how bad it gets. It's like taking a dreaded never-ending travel knowing that in the end there is nothing there waiting for you. I hate bad days....period.
The day didn't start right, it didn't end right, and everything in the middle was a blur. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and just disappear. This feeling is starting to feel a bit familiar lately. Let me explain a bit. When I was in seventh grade I saw a show about self-mutilation. It was interesting and I couldn't understand what that was all about. So, I tried it. Yes, I physically took a knife to my wrist and cut. The first one wasn't real deep, but as time progressed I started to tear away at more skin layers. I know at some point in time things had gotten so bad that I would be cutting everyday.
I know this is serious and a bit hard to grasp. I also know this is now in the public, but it is serious and needs to be known and talked about. I remember getting so deep at one point that I covered it with a watch because at that time my Mom did not know what I was doing to myself. The cut became infected and turned green like it was getting moldy.
As much as I hate to say it this went on for some time through a course of therapy and even pills. Different places on my body were tried and at one point I had some weird mindset that I could perform liposuction on myself. It was a hard time in my life and I didn't know how to deal with it or even how to talk and explain to someone that I hurt inside.
Life does get better even though sometimes it doesn't seem worth living. I still have things I want to do like travel to Paris and I don't know if I am actually ready to give up on that yet. I want to get married and have kids because I want to show someone a better world even it is real or not.
In case you are wondering I have not cut for about four years now. I still get the urge every once in awhile just like an ex-smoker craves a cigarette, but I have a bit more will power telling I don't need to feel this type of pain. I believe anyone can get through something like this, but sometimes it takes a bit of a push and then some muscle. With the good comes the bad...you just need to figure out how you can deal with it and move on.
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