After thoughts to Mike Domitrz's "Can I Kiss You?''

The other night I went to a short seminar with Mike Domitrz called, "Can I Kiss You?".  The night started out good, partly because at my age I was still able to blend in with the college kids around me. (No, I'm not really THAT old, but old enough).  From listening to the crowd, most of the students were there for extra credit in one of the classes while other had heard, "Free stuff? Where? What we getting?" 

After a few motivating tidbits from the staff, Mike got on stage, dressed in black, and proceeded to talk about sexual assault.  Now, I'm not going to give too much information because you have to see him in person to understand.  I can't tell you about my experience in hopes you get out of it what I did, but I would strongly suggest going to it if Mike is ever in your area.  What he has to say is real and is serious, but in order for you to listen he does it in a comical way.  Yes, there were the serious moments because something like sexual assault needs to be embedded into our brains so we can recognize potential situations and prevent them.

I would like to point out a few things I did learn that night though and share them with you.

1)Fear stops us from doing what is right.  Keep in mind this can be subjective, but you never walk away from a seminar like this with nothing.

Recently I decided to go back to school and get my degree.  There have been many times in my life where I have not done something because I was afraid of the outcome whether it be good or bad, how bad would the rejection weigh on me, and if I did succeed what was my next step.  So, earlier this year I had things planned out, but unfortunately ran into a bit of a set back.  The point is I'm still going minus the setback.  I deserve more and have a right to be picky.  I may not be THEE BEST, actually I know I won't be, but at least I will have tried and at least moved on. 
 

2)Victims usually don’t talk.  Mike had mentioned cops would probably be the last people you go to and discuss sexual assault as a victim.  It reminded me of a question I was once asked: ‘Why didn’t you come forward before?’.  The answer was simple.  What were they going to do exactly? 

In a case like sexual assault it can sometimes turn out to be a ‘he said, she said’ game leaving no answer.   I don’t know how many of you remember when you were younger and if you had siblings you played this similar game trying to prove your innocence. You never truly won your case nor did you lose it and sometimes you still got the punishment because you were involved.  The cops have the same job as the parent, but unfortunately with adults, punishment is not always as clear as when we were kids.

Well, you made it this far and I bet some of you are wondering: "Why would these things stick out?"  Let me explain.  I am a different survivor...of domestic violence.  Yes, sometimes sexual assault and domestic violence walk hand in hand meaning some things you learn from one you can learn from the other.  I am tired of watching my back day in and day out, fearing where 'he' might be and how 'he' is keeping track of me.  I am also sick, and yes I am going to say 'sick' of being quiet. 

For those of you out there who have never had either of the two situations listed above happen to you please read closely: just listen.  It. Is. That. Easy.  For example if it is your friend who has been sexually assaulted, think of the difference you will make just by listening and acknowledging them instead of shoving them under the bed.  Now doing something about it is a different story, but listening is what makes the biggest difference.  There are days where I sometimes feel like I'm 2 inches tall in a corner yelling, 'Look at me, look at me.' (Fifty bucks you are picturing yourself that small and hearing that small voice...yeah, I figured so).  Lend an ear and if you can do more, take it one step at a time because there is no need to rush things.

If any of you out there are interested in Mike Domitrz's presentation, I did list some of his links below.  Again, I would strongly suggest it.  I have not read his book yet, 'May I Kiss You?", but I look forward to reading it.  I am now at a point in my life where I will...eventually be dating again and maybe this is what I need to have a new and fresh perspective on dating again. I wish you all luck and enjoy. :D



 http://www.DateSafeProject.org
www.Twitter.com/DateSafeProject   
www.FaceBook.com/DateSafe  
www.YouTube.com/DateSafeProject  

In the midst of a quiet night

In the midst of a quiet night,  I think and rehash the last 5-6 months of my life.  I don't know where it started completely, but I do know where the umbilical cord was cut.  I still have nightmares of nights, days, weeks, and information.  I think about the people most important to me and different events in time with these people.  I wonder how things changed so fast as I try to catch up.

As I write this entry I notice my stomach hurts trying to figure out what's wrong.  The last couple weeks there have been events that took place to make me realize who is important.  When what I will call the 'umbilical cord' was first cut a woman helped me.  She never asked why. She never told anyone what she knew.  I simply asked and she helped not expecting anything in return.  I think about her most days, partially because she works beside me, but not necessarily in the fact that she is right next to me.

I think about a young man, a bit older than me, who reminds me of one of my family members who I love dearly.  It's weird to know that if I was in trouble he would be there, but at the same time I start to distance myself.  It feels weird to have someone who is still new to your life pick you out at a public place and make an effort to acknowledge your existence.  It feels weird to have this person ask things about you that only your closest friends would know.  It's weird to have the same childish sense of humor that makes a week fly so you don't notice the negative things that could possibly have been on your mind.  I have had people tell me there should be more, but I can't do that.  I like it for what it is, a friendship based on pure cheesiness.

I think about a gentleman who values his wife and kids more than life itself, but was my best friend in a world where no one knew I existed.  I think of a girl who chose to let an emotion control her only to figure out you can crawl out again.  I think of a guy who had traits that drove me wild.  I thought this could be more because for a change I didn't feel a need to vomit and yet I just wanted a friendship with someone who shared some common interests that I did.  As I think about the lack of communication that came with it, I try to figure out why this meant more to me than him.  I think about her and why she would tell me things I never asked for.

There are so many people beyond my friends and family that have touched my life even if for a short time.  Some I wish had stayed longer.  I wonder about a couple of kids who were too smart for their age and how much I miss the childish innocence in them.  I still think about him wondering what I did wrong and then wonder how when I do nothing wrong with someone else it still seems wrong...promise!

I am very confused as you can read.  I can't get some people out of my mind and I wish I could tell them how I feel or what I think of them.  I wonder if there is such a thing as being too honest.

To my Mom

*I want to dedicate this letter to my Mom.  It is true, but sometimes we just need a little reminder.  I want anyone who reads this, including my mom that concern is okay. 


Dear Mom,

I know it must have been hard for you to watch and stand by as he took my essence away.  It must have been difficult to see the girl you had raised was now none existent in the woman you hoped she would become. I regret the lies and the deceit to convince myself people change as I felt myself hide further into a corner in my head.  Everything should have been up front, but I held it all in because I was afraid of your judgement knowing well that he and I did not belong together. 

You were right.  The music was gone and the competition began.  It became survival of the fittest.  Yes, I was mentally abuse as well as physically, but it doesn't help for you to picture him hitting me or kicking me.  How are you going to be able to heal inside enough to help me?


It has been 5 months.  I love you for supporting me during this time.  I love you for letting me call you late at night so I could clear my head and stay focused on my task at hand.  I also love the generosity from the 'National Bank of Mom.'  


Even through all this I want you to remember:
...I'm doing fine.  I AM okay.  I was lost, not dead.  I survived instead of going back realizing that I was worth more and I love myself more than I will ever love him.  You raised a strong girl who did become a strong woman, she knew better.  
...part of me still holds tight to my inner child like I did before.  I still have an obsession with boots, tattoos, motorcycles, and piercings.  I still crave adventure and experience. 
...I have found more of me through this experience.  I have a voice and am demanding to be heard instead of kept quiet.  I am a good person who still believes there is a little good in everyone, everyone deserves love (yes, even him), and somewhere somehow there is 'happily ever after.'
...dreams are obtainable within time.  Remember 2 months, 60 days, and soon after a date and it will be done. I return with battle wounds, stronger, and a harder egg to crack with a story that inspires.


Remember, I love you and even though you are hours away I still keep you close on my finger being able to remind myself that there is more out there and the strength you had to carry 3 kids onward even if you may not have had the same help I receive from you. 


I shed a tear tonight because as much as I need to tell myself it is not my fault, I also need to remind you and also others who regret not informing me about him during my time of denial.  I forgive you and them because I don't blame you or them.  If anything I blame me for not listening to me even though it is HIS fault.


So with that all said and yes, publicly so you remember I do not blame you, I shall leave you with three words I hardly believe have no meaning at all these day.....I love you.


Your Daughter,
IVS