Memorable events

Tonight while I was working I was thinking of a certain person and wondering how this person would want to get to know difficult me.  This person did something for me, which I doubt the person knows, that actually meant something to me.

My thoughts started with the book "A Walk To Remember'' by Nicholas Sparks that was published in 1992.  It was then turned into a movie in 2002 starring Mandy Moore as Jamie Sullivan and Shane West as Landon Carter.  For this entry the storyline is not really that important, but for those of you who have seen the movie there is a moment when Jamie confesses her list of ambitions i.e get a tattoo, be in two places at once, befriend someone you don't like, etc.  In the movie Landon and Jamie eventually fall in love and Landon helps her fulfill things on her list.  The one moment that sticks out is when Landon has Jamie straddle the state line, thus being in two places at once.

I had a moment like this with the boyfriend of a friend of mine from college.  Compared to the current situation, he had wanted to get to know me and brought me out the the corner where Iowa meets Minnesota meets South Dakota.  We sat there at the irony of being in multiple places and began to talk.  I may have lost touch with this guy, but that day and that moment meant more to me than a lot of things in my life.  Why?  Because I felt special.  I felt for that time I was number one to someone and the focus was on me.

The other day I went for a walk with someone who, I will admit, knew more history than I really cared to know.  I'm not saying it was interesting and I think that is because this person reminded me of a high school teacher who also was passionate about history.  This person told me about the history of an old hotel in town that I had been admiring for some time, usually when I went for walks during my break at work.  It is an older building that is so classy and sophisticated that every time I walk by it I lose my breathe.  I loved looking in the windows and imagine that I was some upper class woman, rich, sexy, and gorgeous.  Of course I would have the big tent dress and huge hat in my imagination, but it was all a dream.  It was a fantasy compared to the visual effects of Leonardo Di Caprio in "Titanic" even though it was not exactly the same.  

I did not know that anyone could actually enter this building until recently.  Now you can't explore every nook and cranny, but to see even the slightest piece of my imagination come true left me gasping for air that moment.  I think my favorite two spots were the entry and the ballroom.  I remember visiting my aunt in Philly where she gave my family tours of old buildings like this one.  The ballroom was my favorite of the everything I had seen because it reminded me of the cartoon movie "Anastasia."  Even though the ballroom was not as big as it was in the movie, it still contained elements I could only dream about. 

As I write this I try to figure out why moments like these would mean so much since there is so little to them.  In the second memory I doubt the person actually knows what he/she did.  It's hard to touch someone's heart and pay attention that closely to a person.  I would like to go back to the hotel one of these nights and just sit.  I want my imagination to stretch beyond the outer walls and see where and when I land.  Guess I have always been a little greedy when it comes to wanting more to improve myself or another. :)

Addictions

This is something I felt I needed to talk about.  For those of you who know me personally, you know I have two jobs.  I work one during the day and one at night.  This Friday I went to a Christmas party leaving me to fulfill my night job requirements during the weekend.  I helped my sister clean a building that deals with addictions, more recognized ones like alcohol or drugs. After cleaning for longer than I really wanted to, I became a bit goofy.  I made up a little conversation with myself (me, myself, and I). I had the addiction, me was the therapist, leaving myself as the sponsor.  It was actually funny in a twisted way.  I had thought up being addicted to paper towels and porn, that I don't actually own.  So if you are sarcastic enough you will understand the irony in that statement.

Later after all the work was done,  I started to think about what has happened over the past year and how lucky I am for all I have.  I started to think about the people in my life, also. I have friends, most of which live at least 3 hours away and mean more to me than my own life.  I have co-workers who are starting to hold a place in my heart which makes me afraid.  When you become close to someone it means they could potentially hurt you worse than someone who doesn't know you.  This leaves me with people who just happen to pass through my life.  My feelings for or caring for someone who doesn't feel the same way towards me is my addiction.

Long ago in high school I had my first love.  We all have one, but mine never loved me back at least in the way I loved him.  Since I have known him I have continued to play the role of 'Duckie' and slide by with proximity in my back pocket.  I realize after everything that has recently happened I am doing the same thing again.  The guy from high school I am still friends with and even though he won't openly and bluntly say it I know that if I ever disappeared it would hurt him just a little bit.  The new person in my life that leaves me with this same addiction may never know if I am here nor there.  Sometimes I just want to tell this person everything funny, everything serious, everything period.  Unfortunately, I wish this person wanted to know me as much as I wanted to get to know this specific person.  

I can't help, but wonder what I look like through this person's eye.  My mind know the effect of this person, but a part of me hopes that I would be looked at differently.  I want to be seen by this person as more than what I am.  I'm not hot or extremely sexy, but I am average.  I am so average I am at the top of the average list. Yes, that had a bit of sarcasm.  My sense of humor is, however, not average.  I stop to smell the roses, I turn a picture up-side-down, wear my clothes inside-out, and dance in the rain.  I may be average and the 'specific' person may never really see me as more than average, but for me...I am the only one who can be extremely me.


I am and always will be...a Duck-man........................

Magic......bringing out the best in people.

 This passed week a friend told me something that made me think a bit.  She told me that '[I] bring out the best in people.'  At first I didn't think much about it, until I tried to figure out if it was just something to say to be nice to someone.  So, I asked her today to confirm if it was something she just said or if she truly believed it.  The answer I got was realistically unexpected. 

I kept reading the text my friend sent trying to concrete the words into my head and believe them.  It lead to a thought that even in a world today everything should be positive until proven crap.  I believe people these days are missing what life really has to offer us.  I will admit that I am and forever will me the most eternal cynical optimist you will find.  I believe that everything has magic and can inspire you  for more than the life that is in front of you.

Most of you are going to read this and think I am nuts.  Let me just tell you that you are talking to a woman who believes in the possibility of Santa Claus, believes that dreams do come true, and that somewhere there was a fairytale thus someone had to write the story. I believe that Never-Neverland exists, but not in the way we see it with Peter Pan. I believe in a color profound world like in the movie, 'What Dreams May Come.'  I believe in a love so pure that your chest beats so fast you feel like you will fly or burst within time of less than a second.

My wish for this Christmas not only for me, but anyone who reads this is that you look at your holiday decorations and let them take you to the happiest moment of your life.  Remember a time when reality really did not exist and all the responsibilities of an adult were the furthest thing from your mind.  I wish for you to see the world though my eyes, my almost child-like innocence that believes there is more than what meets the eye. 

Happy Holidays everyone whichever holiday you celebrate this time of year. :)

*Life is perfect until proven crap*-Inspired by DC

After thoughts to Mike Domitrz's "Can I Kiss You?''

The other night I went to a short seminar with Mike Domitrz called, "Can I Kiss You?".  The night started out good, partly because at my age I was still able to blend in with the college kids around me. (No, I'm not really THAT old, but old enough).  From listening to the crowd, most of the students were there for extra credit in one of the classes while other had heard, "Free stuff? Where? What we getting?" 

After a few motivating tidbits from the staff, Mike got on stage, dressed in black, and proceeded to talk about sexual assault.  Now, I'm not going to give too much information because you have to see him in person to understand.  I can't tell you about my experience in hopes you get out of it what I did, but I would strongly suggest going to it if Mike is ever in your area.  What he has to say is real and is serious, but in order for you to listen he does it in a comical way.  Yes, there were the serious moments because something like sexual assault needs to be embedded into our brains so we can recognize potential situations and prevent them.

I would like to point out a few things I did learn that night though and share them with you.

1)Fear stops us from doing what is right.  Keep in mind this can be subjective, but you never walk away from a seminar like this with nothing.

Recently I decided to go back to school and get my degree.  There have been many times in my life where I have not done something because I was afraid of the outcome whether it be good or bad, how bad would the rejection weigh on me, and if I did succeed what was my next step.  So, earlier this year I had things planned out, but unfortunately ran into a bit of a set back.  The point is I'm still going minus the setback.  I deserve more and have a right to be picky.  I may not be THEE BEST, actually I know I won't be, but at least I will have tried and at least moved on. 
 

2)Victims usually don’t talk.  Mike had mentioned cops would probably be the last people you go to and discuss sexual assault as a victim.  It reminded me of a question I was once asked: ‘Why didn’t you come forward before?’.  The answer was simple.  What were they going to do exactly? 

In a case like sexual assault it can sometimes turn out to be a ‘he said, she said’ game leaving no answer.   I don’t know how many of you remember when you were younger and if you had siblings you played this similar game trying to prove your innocence. You never truly won your case nor did you lose it and sometimes you still got the punishment because you were involved.  The cops have the same job as the parent, but unfortunately with adults, punishment is not always as clear as when we were kids.

Well, you made it this far and I bet some of you are wondering: "Why would these things stick out?"  Let me explain.  I am a different survivor...of domestic violence.  Yes, sometimes sexual assault and domestic violence walk hand in hand meaning some things you learn from one you can learn from the other.  I am tired of watching my back day in and day out, fearing where 'he' might be and how 'he' is keeping track of me.  I am also sick, and yes I am going to say 'sick' of being quiet. 

For those of you out there who have never had either of the two situations listed above happen to you please read closely: just listen.  It. Is. That. Easy.  For example if it is your friend who has been sexually assaulted, think of the difference you will make just by listening and acknowledging them instead of shoving them under the bed.  Now doing something about it is a different story, but listening is what makes the biggest difference.  There are days where I sometimes feel like I'm 2 inches tall in a corner yelling, 'Look at me, look at me.' (Fifty bucks you are picturing yourself that small and hearing that small voice...yeah, I figured so).  Lend an ear and if you can do more, take it one step at a time because there is no need to rush things.

If any of you out there are interested in Mike Domitrz's presentation, I did list some of his links below.  Again, I would strongly suggest it.  I have not read his book yet, 'May I Kiss You?", but I look forward to reading it.  I am now at a point in my life where I will...eventually be dating again and maybe this is what I need to have a new and fresh perspective on dating again. I wish you all luck and enjoy. :D



 http://www.DateSafeProject.org
www.Twitter.com/DateSafeProject   
www.FaceBook.com/DateSafe  
www.YouTube.com/DateSafeProject  

In the midst of a quiet night

In the midst of a quiet night,  I think and rehash the last 5-6 months of my life.  I don't know where it started completely, but I do know where the umbilical cord was cut.  I still have nightmares of nights, days, weeks, and information.  I think about the people most important to me and different events in time with these people.  I wonder how things changed so fast as I try to catch up.

As I write this entry I notice my stomach hurts trying to figure out what's wrong.  The last couple weeks there have been events that took place to make me realize who is important.  When what I will call the 'umbilical cord' was first cut a woman helped me.  She never asked why. She never told anyone what she knew.  I simply asked and she helped not expecting anything in return.  I think about her most days, partially because she works beside me, but not necessarily in the fact that she is right next to me.

I think about a young man, a bit older than me, who reminds me of one of my family members who I love dearly.  It's weird to know that if I was in trouble he would be there, but at the same time I start to distance myself.  It feels weird to have someone who is still new to your life pick you out at a public place and make an effort to acknowledge your existence.  It feels weird to have this person ask things about you that only your closest friends would know.  It's weird to have the same childish sense of humor that makes a week fly so you don't notice the negative things that could possibly have been on your mind.  I have had people tell me there should be more, but I can't do that.  I like it for what it is, a friendship based on pure cheesiness.

I think about a gentleman who values his wife and kids more than life itself, but was my best friend in a world where no one knew I existed.  I think of a girl who chose to let an emotion control her only to figure out you can crawl out again.  I think of a guy who had traits that drove me wild.  I thought this could be more because for a change I didn't feel a need to vomit and yet I just wanted a friendship with someone who shared some common interests that I did.  As I think about the lack of communication that came with it, I try to figure out why this meant more to me than him.  I think about her and why she would tell me things I never asked for.

There are so many people beyond my friends and family that have touched my life even if for a short time.  Some I wish had stayed longer.  I wonder about a couple of kids who were too smart for their age and how much I miss the childish innocence in them.  I still think about him wondering what I did wrong and then wonder how when I do nothing wrong with someone else it still seems wrong...promise!

I am very confused as you can read.  I can't get some people out of my mind and I wish I could tell them how I feel or what I think of them.  I wonder if there is such a thing as being too honest.

To my Mom

*I want to dedicate this letter to my Mom.  It is true, but sometimes we just need a little reminder.  I want anyone who reads this, including my mom that concern is okay. 


Dear Mom,

I know it must have been hard for you to watch and stand by as he took my essence away.  It must have been difficult to see the girl you had raised was now none existent in the woman you hoped she would become. I regret the lies and the deceit to convince myself people change as I felt myself hide further into a corner in my head.  Everything should have been up front, but I held it all in because I was afraid of your judgement knowing well that he and I did not belong together. 

You were right.  The music was gone and the competition began.  It became survival of the fittest.  Yes, I was mentally abuse as well as physically, but it doesn't help for you to picture him hitting me or kicking me.  How are you going to be able to heal inside enough to help me?


It has been 5 months.  I love you for supporting me during this time.  I love you for letting me call you late at night so I could clear my head and stay focused on my task at hand.  I also love the generosity from the 'National Bank of Mom.'  


Even through all this I want you to remember:
...I'm doing fine.  I AM okay.  I was lost, not dead.  I survived instead of going back realizing that I was worth more and I love myself more than I will ever love him.  You raised a strong girl who did become a strong woman, she knew better.  
...part of me still holds tight to my inner child like I did before.  I still have an obsession with boots, tattoos, motorcycles, and piercings.  I still crave adventure and experience. 
...I have found more of me through this experience.  I have a voice and am demanding to be heard instead of kept quiet.  I am a good person who still believes there is a little good in everyone, everyone deserves love (yes, even him), and somewhere somehow there is 'happily ever after.'
...dreams are obtainable within time.  Remember 2 months, 60 days, and soon after a date and it will be done. I return with battle wounds, stronger, and a harder egg to crack with a story that inspires.


Remember, I love you and even though you are hours away I still keep you close on my finger being able to remind myself that there is more out there and the strength you had to carry 3 kids onward even if you may not have had the same help I receive from you. 


I shed a tear tonight because as much as I need to tell myself it is not my fault, I also need to remind you and also others who regret not informing me about him during my time of denial.  I forgive you and them because I don't blame you or them.  If anything I blame me for not listening to me even though it is HIS fault.


So with that all said and yes, publicly so you remember I do not blame you, I shall leave you with three words I hardly believe have no meaning at all these day.....I love you.


Your Daughter,
IVS

Strength in a past

Today I was sorting through some of my boxes.  I had to figure out what was mine and what I really wanted to keep.   It was nice to unpack my books and figure out where I wanted to start reading again. I looked at all my binders remembering how organized I used to be or was going to be...again. 

Back in the early 2000s I was in college for vocal music performance.  I wanted to show my passion to the world through music.  Yes, to those of you who don't know much about me I once did a lot of singing and song writing mostly on the piano that is until a professor told me in a small amount of words that ...I sucked.  I quit then.  I did not want anything to do with music after that.  I tried business, but somehow that did not fit.  I got my cosmetology license, was a licensed billing agent, and now I am a claims examiner.

You ever wonder when things go wrong what would have happened if you had taken the other road?  Some days I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen music over a life. I wonder what would have happened had I been more extroverted in college and who would have been a part of my life.  I feel I have a strong life.  There is a lot of strength.  There was a divorce, being an adult at 7, knowing something was wrong when certain family members looked at me with their religious hypocritical views, and then how my marriage fell to a divorce.  I never wanted to get divorced. 

Strength, it's my word for life and how I live it.  It's how I want to be and who I want to be.  Strength, is a word that is going to be permanently a part of my life.  

Perspective priorities

Some things change what we do, who we are with, and how we look at the world.  Some times we fall flat on our face only to bruise.  Other times our pain is more than just physical and need MUCH longer to heal.  Sometimes it doesn't go away. 


Besides all the pain and joy that we go through in life, what is our main priority?  I started to think about this more really early this morning as a good friend of mine asked me 'Why do you blame yourself?  Why does it have to be something wrong with you and not them?'.  My answer/thoughts, it had to be me because I am the only thing I can fix or even change.  As I wrote in a story, 'I thought if only I could have improved, would he have loved me more?  If I could have been the woman he was really attracted to, would ever have loved me?'.  I have also been taught that if you don't like something, change it or change how you look at it.


So, after some deep thinking I am changing how I look at where I am right now. I don't play games anymore, unless it is the occasional board game like 'LIFE'.  Games are for people who are fake and really do not know what they want.  I on the other hand know that I am not going to live here for the rest of my life.  There is nothing holding me here after my business is done.  I also know that I want more out of life than what I have now.  I always want to be better than I was before.  I want to grow and experience as much as I can.

I set my perspective where it should be. Writing.  My concentration should be set on 'who [I] want to be.'  I think it is time to head back to Paris.

No drama

I think Mary J. Blige basically takes the words right out of my mouth on this one.  Why waste your time feeling sorry for yourself when you can actually change your own stars?

I know a girl who developed this habit of becoming every man's 'damsel in distress.' It amazed me how she would tell this 'pity me' story and the guys would crumble at her feet wanting to save her. Somehow, this was appealing.  The men followed her as if she were some drug.  How did it go from "I'll save you" to a sincere " Thinking of you" as if they had fallen in love with her ?


With every general thing in life there is so much drama.  Why do people have to bring in more for attention?  I may have my own drama, but it not only affects me.  I don't want pity, I don't want to be saved because I am here saving myself.  I didn't see you here.  


This is why I write here on this blog because somebody somewhere is going through the same thing I am.  Someone may need some inspiration and this is where I can just bear the truth letting my heart spill on the page. 


To be honest, my drama is getting closer to being over and then it will be time for me to move on and away. After today I am a bit...no, very much relieved.  I am very thankful for news that I received.  As I look around me, I realize all that I have accomplished.  I knew who I was at 23 years old and now that I am 27 years old I am starting to find that person back.  She is someone I can be proud of.

The good, the bad, the...weird??

Tonight I was at my second job and somehow now have the nickname 'Dancing Queen.'  I could say it was accidental sniffing of toilet bowl, but that would be a lie.  I have to admit, yes my reader, if you know me best you know I'm weird. :D

Three years ago I did not care what anyone thought and now I'm trying to return to me.  I became something that someone else wanted me to be.  I don't understand how he was attracted to me, but I was never good enough.  (Probably because I was not Carrie Underwood or had her paycheck to match).  Either way after five months I realize I'm not dead yet.

If you read this you may not know me yet and that's okay because I would love to have a conversation with you.  My life is so organized 'from locked door to locked door.' I crave spontaneous moments. What am I talking about exactly right? Well, 
.....truth or dare in a van that has two sliding doors.
.....heading home at 2am in the middle of winter.
.....having a bad day and getting my first tattoo.
.....running through a sprinkler to pretend I was 5 and do a cartwheel.
....dancing at work or my favorite of dancing in the rain. 
....singing in the middle of a doctor's office at the top of my lungs.
....running wildly around a building for no apparent reason. 
....etc.

I want to skydive, bungee jump, own a motorcycle (more specifically be a biker b***h on a Harley).  I want to continue my goal to visit Paris, maybe Italy.  I love swimming, being suspended in almost nothingness.

So I am passionate and dream big....when did that become known as weird?

With love, IVS

What do you mean?

Yes folks, it's your verbal vomitteer here.  No, that is not a mouseketeer or even one of the 3 musketeers.  It is a person who is going to give you the honest truth because it needs to be said and yes, THAT is my definition for MY word.

Today during my break from work I went for a walk.  Lately I have had a lot on my mind and no outlet.  Thank goodness for a blog, right?  I started to think back to the past  week and things that had been said to me.

'You know why divorce cost so much, right? Because it's worth it.'  Yes, this one made the top at this time.  First, the person who said it is a bit MIA.  Second, at the rate my husband keeps running from the law this may cost me more than I expected.  So, the choice was this or die.  My life is worth it. 


The second comes from a moment when I wanted to run away, disappear, and start my life over. 'Yes, I mind.  I'd miss you.....Don't leave me.'  As hard as it may seem to you, the reader, I rarely hear or see words like this referred to me. I don't know if there may not have been a 'right moment' for it or if my life did not require it.  I keep looking at these words wondering 'Are they really for me? Did this person not get the memo?'  I don't know. 


'DO not lose contact with me.' Are you kidding me? Yes, I'm going to second guess this a bit (less only because of who said it).  After reading that I ask myself, 'why me?'.  Do you realize how many times I have to read that to potentially understand the truth in it?  I like this person as well, neat person, who from the day I met him has gotten 'it.' (note: if you do not know what 'it' is, then you don't get 'it')  Somehow  he has always understood.


'You're amazing...you're pretty lovable.'  Sounded cheesy to me, but because of who it was from I knew this person would not lie. Now if I can keep remembering this and associate it with myself, life would then make sense once again. 


I also remember a time when I was starting out on my own. I had no close friends in the area, a bit like my life now.  I had no close family, a bit like my life now with one minor exception.  During this time I was a bit intimidated or scared of what could possibly happen to me because I had no one close to call. I mean what would happen if I ended up in the hospital?  Then the golden words from a person I worked with and yet barely knew at the time.  'I'll come visit you.'  I was speechless.  This person became a good friend of mine, but at the time I could not fathom why.  I will say it was a bit of a life-changing moment. 


Now for the bomb. 'I love you'.  Any of you who read this may not understand what is going on in my life right now, know that these words mean absolutely nothing to me. I may say them meaning I care about the particular person a lot, but 'love' is thrown around to much.  People have said it to me in the last 5 months and I think until I can look myself in the mirror and forgive myself I do not believe this word applies to me. 


Surprisingly, I don't know what to say from here. I wonder if what we say or hear has to do a lot with who it comes from.  Is it a person we know well? trust? believe? Yes, yes, and yes. Good thing I keep these words close as a reminder.  Can't lose yourself this way. :)

To whom does the 'Law' really apply

Alright folks, this is up for debate all around the yard.  Please feel free to comment as you will in helping me understand the goals of our honorary judicial system.  Remember sarcasm is always included, so if you do not understand...please don't waste your time.




How does a man who beats his wife get his case continued 3 times? Yes folks, three.  Not one, not two, do not pass 'GO', do not collect $200, but three times.  A man who physically hit and kicked his wife seems to be a no big deal issue to the court.  I ask you judges, lawyers, people of the jury,....WHY?!


Let's try this thought on for size.  Let's reverse the roles and have it be me who physically abused him.  Do we care now? I'll poll the audience and obtain a rumored 'yes.'  I want to know, because I am female, does that make me an object?  Does this make me a possession?  Which ever way you view me, why can you not see me at least as a human with equal rights?  Why the laziness and inefficiency in correcting a wrong?  Let me get this straight from a different view.  If he had killed me as a result of this abuse, do we act now or CONTINUE to hold our peace as if nothing happened? 


I'm frustrated and trying to understand why you, as the people appointed to protect us as Americans, do not do something.  I'm frustrated at the fact that issues like this continue and are expected to be resolved on their own. I am frustrated that I should even have to write this when you have yet to find my husband, who:
....left his vows on the doorstep for the dog to shit on.
....kidnapped a human being almost leaving her to die in a corner.
....continues to spread his godforsaken seed when he should be required to have a license because he is so unintelligent, but it doesn't matter. It's only one case right?  WRONG! He has 4 other charges and you have to question the worthiness of this one. It's called a 'repeat offender.' 


Explain it to me, anyone.  I'm open for some sort of understanding because after huddling to protect my life and crying at Goodyear to figure out what to do, I believe I have the divine right confess the truth. Believe it or not.

Asking for the honest truth...part 2

So tell me, how hard is it to bluntly explain what you really want to say instead of just avoiding the topic?  I'm trying to make sense out of some very awkward moments, but unfortunately there is no answer to the question.  Let's take a couple examples and figure out what is going on.

1) Guy gives you hug in public asking you to keep in touch saying he cares about you and what is going on in your life.  So?  Well, he had alcohol in his system and alcohol does bring out the truth in people.  He's a fake, a hypocrite, and obviously not quite the good Christian he wants to appear to be. 


2) You try to make a friend and what do you find?  Lies, lies, and more lies.  In a land where I do not know anyone what do you do?  I was told making new friends would be easy because I'm so lovable.  So far over the last few days events prove otherwise and that I need to move on.


3) You tell me to call, you tell me to text, and because I like to have an intellectual conversation with a sarcastic human being I give you the benefit of the doubt that I can trust you.  How did that turn out?  Avoidance.  Complete and utter avoidance still showing signs that you can't just face the music.  How is it your years show maturity, but your personality lacks?


Out of the 3 there is only one that I miss and hope may have potential.  I once heard a story about a young girl who while out in the meadow on a farm would chase ladybugs day in and day out.  Although frustrating as the chore may have been, she never once caught one.  It wasn't until she lay in the grass and took a nap that the ladybugs became attracted to her and covered her body.  Moral of the story,  time to MIA out in hopes I can find the intellect I crave.  More and more I feel I am in the wrong place, but as time may have it this is the right time.

Asking for the honest truth

Today I experienced something new.  Someone who could not face the truth.  After three long years of being lied to I believe I have the divine right to ask for the truth.  All I asked for was a blunt answer,  I don't care if it hurts and is not what I want to hear as long as you were honest and said exactly what you mean.

"I don't like you"
"You're fat"
"No, that dress does not look good on you"

It's a known fact that females have a reputation of asking loaded questions: 'Does this dress make me look fat?' For me, I would rather you be up front about it: 'Hun, I love you, but yes that dress does make you look fat.'  What's so hard about it?

Maybe I'm a little more mature than most or just sick of the games.  I am looking for friends who are just that; honest. Why should a person waste their time on anything more?  Why would you want it sugar-coated? Maybe I'm just a rare breed.  I don't know, but if you have something to say just tell me....please???

The control of anger

Most people who know me will tell you either A) I really don't have anger issues or B) I stuff it.  I would say depends on the topic.  If it is something that affects me directly, I will probably be more mad.  If it is something that I don't want to appear foolish, then I might stuff it....like now.

I am so mad....
....at myself for not listening to myself when I knew better.  We are now entering the fifth month and I still can't forgive myself.  Why? Because I am smarter than that.  My only problem is I kept my promise.  I was raise that you make a promise you better keep it.  I did.
....at the things I have to go through because of him.  I don't trust anyone, that's right not even my immediate family lately.  It's not fair to them because they did not do anything, but unfortunately they get to go through some of the torture of my confusion.
....that I'm still here.  I don't belong here and this is not my home.  It's close enough to a prison, but one that I chose not to let control me. I just need to figure out where to go and what to do next. 

Today was a good day at work because as a wise writer told me,  I was able to detach from that dark place in my head.  I didn't think about him, about money, about people and relationships.  I just thought about the next file that needed to be done and how I was suppose to do it.  I did, however, write a letter to the Snow Queen.  Maybe some of you will understand.

Dear Snow Queen,
I am requesting the services of your doctor.  You see, I have this heart that needs to be removed.  I don't want to feel anything, question anything, or sit in a pod of confusion anymore wondering whether someone gives a damn or not.  I'm sick of being the one who cares.  My heart isn't what it used to be and lately it barely recovers from one day to the next.  Please take it for your frozen pleasure and anything that comes with it, so that I may move on.  Even though I may be numb, at least I won't be stuck here, ...in the same spot for longer than I need to be.  
Inform your doctor I am ready at any time because unfortunately I am useless this way.
-IVS

Ok, so it is deep and terribly full of sarcasm and honesty. I've learned some things just need to be said even though you are scared you know you will get the answer you don't want.  I think I got one today.  At least it clarifies where I belong.

Honesty is the best policy.....

How do you tell someone something you want them to know, but cannot tell them because it some odd shape or form it is forbidden?  Why is there always a loop hole to every rule?  

Dear You,
Some days I feel it was not enough.  I tried to help and somehow it feels worse.  I gave you the only true advice I knew from my experiences.  I did just wanted more for you because I strongly believe you are a good person no matter if you know it or not. I know I'm not a bad judge in character, but do believe there is some good in everyone. How is it a person's heart and soul can be so pure to artistically express what you have felt or gone though?  I matched you there beat for beat and all the off beats in between.  I miss you, my friend and I feel it's my fault even though was the right thing to do.  I'm sorry.
-IVS

United Way Letter of unmentionable woman......

It was April 18, 2011.  I could say it was a day I will never forget, but that would be putting it lightly.  I like to think of it as my anniversary since I did not even make it to my first one.  The memory of that Monday will always live vividly as the longest day of my life.  It will also be the day I found myself again.

That morning at roughly 7:55am, right before I headed into the building where I worked, my husband called me mad that the computer was not working.  I remember the name calling, letting it go in one ear and out the other because it had been happening more frequently now.  The last thing he said was, ‘if this computer has a virus I’m going to kick your ass.’  Most people may not take this seriously, but after the last incident I was afraid this was real, something I never in my life dreamed about with the man I married.

In March of that year, he beat me the most I would ever allow him to.  I remember being curled up on the floor on my knees crying so hard my skin began to burn. He ended up not only hitting me in the side of the head multiple times, but kicking me in the side.  This was the last time I let him touch me that way.  A friend once told me that when you come to the point in your life where you need to chose life or death you need to love yourself more.

Heading into my work place the tears streamed down my face with the same burning sensation as before only this time I could not stop.  I remember feeling empowered with a small rush of adrenaline as I headed to my supervisor’s office to call Safe Harbor.  Scared and shaking I made my plea asking for help, not knowing where else to turn.  I was in Aberdeen, a place that was not my home, but my husband’s.  This town was my prison with no family, friends, or anyone I truly knew more than a professional relationship because I had been secluded from everyone except my husband’s family.  I had never even met any of his friends in the three years we were together, but there was ALWAYS an excuse why ONLY I had never seen them.

The day moved in slow motion from my meeting with the advocate to the ride to the police station hoping someone could help me in some way.  I wondered how this little mousey girl could help me, why would the police listen to a story that is a month old, and how was I going to survive that my husband had manipulated my life to the point that I barely knew who I was anymore.

After my statement was taken the advocate and I went to the apartment that I knew as ‘our home.’  We grabbed boxes, clothes, bare necessities as he stood by watching eager to throw everything I thought we had away.  Unfortunately, I had to watch him take the only thing I had in his world that I cared about more than my life: my dogs.  With the car loaded we took off to the house that would be known as my home for the next three months.

Once checked into the house, I was supplied a ride to and from my night job only to return to the routine check in and retreat to my room where I cried myself to sleep feeling as though all the dreams I had for my life would now be washed away.

The days continued and soon just became dates and events on a calendar. There was rent that had not been paid, a threat to send my dogs to the pound, the need for safe place for someone to understand what was going on in my head, and the means of saving what was left of me at the apartment. 

Within the first week Safe Harbor’s advocate helped me find a home for my dogs where they could be taken care of and visited on a regular basis.  I was directed to a therapist who listened to me as I found the part of me that I had locked away the past years. My belongings or the trash that had not been raided by my husband in revenge was moved to storage where I would not have to stress about a monthly bill. Everything that followed shortly happened slowly and seemed to take forever, but it was the talks with the advocate that helped keep my head clear to be able to take care of what I needed to do as far as my husband was concerned.

Something I did not expect was for someone to answer a plea of what I felt was extreme need.  On May 13, yes Friday the 13^th, I was in a car accident.  Most would be concerned about the vehicle or anyone in the car.  I was terrified of my husband showing up, trying to be my savior, and suck me back into his world.  Surprisingly, a response from the Safe Harbor advocate ensured I was safe.  It had been a long time since someone had dropped what they were doing to help or support me.  I could not have prayed for a better person who understood my personality enough to crack a ‘cute cop’ joke when I needed a laugh during this difficult incident.   

The events that took place around the accident empowered me, leaving me more determined than ever to change my life.  I knew I would need to continue on my own eventually even though it had become the most terrifying thought.  With the resources available at Safe Harbor I was able to find a lawyer willing to take on my divorce case.  I was able to save enough money and move out on my own with a roommate, my sister who is my savior as she takes on her motherly role in my temporary situation.

My story may not have the ‘happily ever after’ ending that I had always dreamed of since I was a kid...yet.  I am, however, currently working two jobs to rebuild what was destroyed financially through lies over the last three years.  I, also, continue therapy each week in hopes someday I will be able to look in the mirror and forgive myself for a past I cannot change.

Perfect Strangers

When I was younger I was taught to help people in need, respect your elders, and clean up after yourself.  My Mom likes to refer back to a time when I was still young during my paper route years.  It was a windy day and there was a girl who lost control of her papers.  They were flying all over the place with pamphlets coming out in the middle.  We were stopped at a light in the car, so we jumped out to help this girl gather and wrap her papers back up.  I believe this is probably one of my Mom's proudest moments because she knew we were raised well. 

I recently had a touching moment, not a proud one, but one I was happy to have.  I walked into work one day and a co-worker did a gasp as I walked into my cubicle.  My work day usually starts at 7:30am, but that day I came in at 9:00am.  She was worried that something had happened to me.  I hadn't told her that I had an appointment considering it had gotten scheduled near the last few minutes of shift the day before.

In a land where I knew no one and wasn't close to anyone, she was the one who helped me the most.  She protected me when I needed it and worried about me when I needed to be accounted for.  I barely knew this woman and already she was there like a best friend. 

Not a lot of people that I have come across think about anyone, but themselves. It is refreshing that not all things are lost in the world after all.  I guess they are right when they say somethings never die.

P. Michele Talley and a cheater's excuse

*Warning: post will contain highly sarcastic comments that may be viewed incorrectly. Please note that if you are not fluent in sarcasm you might as well stop reading here....here.....and here. Comments are meant to prove a point around untold truth.  Please also note that until you have authority for something it would be in your best interest to either A) Get experience or B) Do your research on the topic very thoroughly.


Earlier this week I read an article by P. Michele Talley, an author I am not impressed with at all. In a bio I found the author tells about her experience as a newlywed and how she can be viewed as a 'big sister.' I was still puzzled why she would call herself a guru.  Have you been married more than once that you have a lot of experience being a newlywed? What makes you the guru of being a newlywed?  From my short contact with the autor it does not appear that she would be the type to been married multiple times, but would also be a person who would invest in her relationship even if it seems a bit on the 'Cinderella' happy ending denial side of things.

The article that I read was titled '3 Things That COULD Make Him Cheat.'  I tried to fathom how one person could have control over another person.  We all have our own minds, our own control, and if there was any control over the other it would be due to the choice of the person who is being controlled.  Now that I've lost you let's get back to the point.  For the sake of this blog and the title of the article I am going to use men as the cheaters. 

The list is 1)Bait & Switch 2) Punishing/ Withholding sex 3)Gaining (a significant) amount of weight. I don't know about any of you, but my first thought was 'Wow!'. Then I asked, "Are you kidding me?".  So, I start to think about different scenarios, but this is my blog and I am going to be honest with people and use something that has happened to me.  Yes,  I have been cheated on recently.  On authority to speak on the other half I have also cheated on someone long ago. I decided to write a faux pas letter to the author.

Dear P. Michele Talley,
I read your article on the 3 things that could make your guy cheat and I would like to do my part and say I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that.......

.......when my * thought I was what he perceived to be 'naughty,' he would take away things i.e computer use, privileges to drive,etc.  It must have been correct then for me not to have the same authority over him when he was 'naughty.'
.......I worked 2 jobs and paid all the bills because my * could not keep a job.  It must have been my fault that he had a temper and was not responsible enough to control it leaving people with no choice but to fire him for being unruly.
.......I was not Carrie Underwood and could not live up to what she was physically and status.  It must have been right for my * to tell me I was fat, even though I had been losing weight, and ugly.  I was so lucky to find a guy like him to have in my life.
.......He did not want to be intimate with me.  Considering he was already getting it from other girls and they allowed him to physically abuse them.  I should have appreciated the slap in the face and the hand marks left on my body because I would not have such abusive sexual relations with a man.
.......I cried in the bathroom at Goodyear while my car was getting an oil change for 15 minutes.  It must have embarrassed him to have such a wimpy wife who had just endured time being slapped in the face and then kicked in the side as she wept on the floor in the fetal position for her life as he declared being with her killed his dreams.

I'm sorry, but even though life is not black and white the promise of saying 'I Do' is.  I'm sorry that you are wrong.  I did not make him cheat nor did any other woman out there.  You gave him an excuse, a purpose to get away with something that you should know is wrong.  HE decided how HE was going to act and what HE was going to do.  I did not. There is a saying, "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach."  My question to you, is this why you have only published a cookbook?  I hope that you have enough confidence inside you to realize what the word victim means.  I hope that if that is not the case you find a therapist who can help you.  I hope you realized that people govern themselves and cheating is not gender bias.  I hope you realize that saying you respect some one's opinion and not standing up for something you wrote goes to show what kind of author you really are.

Wishing you the best,
IVS

P.S Your husband was great last night.  Thank you for giving him all the excuse he needed.


*Yes, that last part was sarcasm.  I could never really wish that on someone.



Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (SAFE)
*Please get help.  You deserve it.

Invisible

The last few days I have been thinking and wandering around in what the movie "Click" would call auto-pilot or survival mode. 

Everyone has issues in their lives that are hard and wear a person out.  Mine? In a place where I am unfamiliar I am invisible except to the person I want to be invisible to.  I stick to myself knowing that what is going on in my life is really no one else's business and after awhile the story gets old.

There are many versions out there of the truth, but I am the one who lived this one.  Control is something that should not be forced nor should you need to have this over someone you say you 'love.' 

So as time passes I slowly notice less of me here and more of me inside myself.  I feel like I am being introduced to the person I knew 3 years ago who had dreams, craved adventure, and just wanted more out of life then what was offered.  Going to work has become routine.  What I did in April was supported by strangers in this place, one of the only places I felt safe.  I go to work, sit in my cubicle, and sometimes pray someone says, 'hi' or 'how are you today.'  Not that I would want to completely tell them the truth, but just being acknowledged actually does a lot to a person.  I don't feel forgotten.  I don't feel as if I'm doing a bad job at work.  I just feel that 'Yeah, I'm gone, but someone could miss me if I leave any further."

In all honesty, I am starting to appreciate the fact that I would rather be invisible to someone else instead of to myself.  I still somewhat believe that part of it was my fault even though I am learning that was not quite the case.

I just want to say I appreciate when you see me *.  It makes that one day easier to get through.

Chasing chickens

When I was younger and lived on a farm my family would go to the neighbors and help them butcher chickens.  Now if any of you have done this before you will know that once the head is missing the rest of the chicken continues to go, which could possibly scar a young kid for life at this point. Just kidding. I remember trying to run from the body that somehow knew where I was going and also when I was taking off the feathers how the neighbor made the chicken jump to scare me.  I know it was all in fun because I loved to eat chicken and I remember those neighbors being fun to visit.

I think back a bit to how determined that body was to continue even without the head.  I know this is a little morbid, but sometimes you have to think of the fun memories in your life to give you gas to keep going.  They have all these sayings out there to encourage or motivate people like, "If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade," but what if you don't like lemonade? 

I believe we take the path we are meant to follow and on this path we may fall or stumble along the way. As alone as a person may feel in hard times, they  are not alone completely.  There is strength in numbers no matter if its people or even just things that make you happy like a memory, or even a hobby.  I know that there is a purpose and until that is fulfill you are not going anywhere.  Just keep in mind every cut or bruise heals, every story has a happy ending, even it you have to climb that hill and fall a few times.  Don't forget to tell yourself and others...I'm fine, thank you for asking.

(sings in her head) 'I'm a big girl now.."  :D

Deception.....and strength

Deception: To be false to

Strength: The quality or state of being strong


I know you must be thinking 1 of 2 things on here. 1) That is a weird start 2)Um ok????  I have recently found out that the two walk hand in hand.  I don't know about the rest of you, but I have been taught not to lie.  I have also been taught that if you make a promise you are to keep it, but I also learned a new lesson thanks to one of my cousins. 

When I was younger I felt that some of my family members 'shunned' me (my sister and brother) because we were a result of a divorce.  I have always tried to keep my Christian faith, but it has been hard considering most people who declared themselves 'Christian' were very judgmental or hypocritical.  If I remember correctly in this religion Jesus is the only one who should judge because he is without sin.  As far as the hypocritical people, well you are human, should practice what you preach by being an example, but I forgive you.  I try not to be in either of these categories and keep an open mind.  My cousin told me something that actually lifted a weight off my shoulders.  Even though I am the child of divorced parents it is not for me to worry about divorce because there is forgiveness and I needed to learn to forgive my parents and the whole situation.

I talked to my cousin more that night about life and to be honest it was the most enlightening conversation I had in a long time.  I cried while I typed her because she was going to forgive me for something that I did not want to do, something I had been raised not to do, but something that if I didn't do it could kill me inside and maybe out.  You see people do not deserve to be lied to or cheated on, and like I said a promise is a promise. 

A lie does not hurt just one person, but it does keep growing and growing like they show in 'Veggie Tales.'  There is no getting rid of it and by the time you think you can, how does a person know that you are not just going to 'cry wolf?'  I have been battling with these thoughts for a couple weeks now (hence not many entries lately).  I'm trying to figure out the thinking in a process such as this.  Why would you want to hurt someone in such a way that in the end you are ultimately just going to hurt yourself?  You can't win a war like this.  There is a reason that in the end of a story good always triumphs over evil.

I just pray for strength, a little hope, and maybe some faith that could potentially heal.  If you have any input or advice please feel free to comment.  I just pray to find my way in a lost world right now.



Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow, or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always. 
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you the most,
you have not been ther for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."

"What if life is a dream and when we die we wake up?"

I received this tweet on my twitter account today and thought it was an interesting account. First, it is a deep thought and I like to make people think a bit and provoke my own thought as well.  Second, it reminds me of the matrix.  I know that sounds funny, but think about it.  What if the Matrix is actually real and we are not actually living, but somehow in this fake world with the view that this is what actually exists.

I am a bit sleepy, so my thought process is a bit deep.  The last couple weeks of my life have been a bit hard.  Probably more hard for JUST me than anyone else potentially involved.  I sometimes wonder when bad stuff happens if I am actually dreaming.  The sad part is why would you dream something bad, unless it was going to turn out good. Still shouldn't you have good dreams period?

What if this was truly a dream and the reality is where everything is good?  What if we have life backwards and a nightmare is nothing to fear, but to embrace and it is the dream we should fear?  What if we don't actually exist period?  I sometimes wonder about "beginnings" and "endings." Why does everything we have and hold have both these parts? 

Unfortunately there is no mechanical reasoning and no proof that specifically says "THIS IS REAL."  How do you feel living in this uncertainty?  I guess since I have no control over it I don't mind it, but some days I wish were a bit better than the others.  I hate negative things even though they do not exist without a positive.  Funny how life works always with two different ends.  No black without white, hot without cold, etc.

What else doesn't exist without the other??????

The "diaper bag"

I was thinking, oddly enough, about diaper bags.  I know this seems to be a weird thought or even a random thought on a Sunday afternoon. I thought about how diaper bags hold everything a baby needs: diapers, toys, bottles, wipes, etc. 

Now let's grow up a few years and think about this a bit further.  Isn't a purse like a diaper bag?  It holds your billfold, keys, and anything else you may need for the day.  So why don't we call a purse and adult diaper bag?  Well, it's probably because we may not need the diapers anymore, but technically isn't it the same idea?

I warned you it was random.  I was carrying something for someone and the fact that I had to carry the necessities for this person made me think about diaper bags and carrying necessities for babies.  Ah, randomness, it's where we thrive. :D

Til Death do us part....

What does that mean exactly 'til death do us part?'   It means you will be with someone until the end of time, yours or theirs.  What does that mean in today's society?  It means 'until I'm sick of you', 'until you don't do what I want anymore', 'until i have no need for you', or even ' until I find something better or makes me feel better.'  I may be a bit old fashion, but I don't think some people understand what it means to work at something.  I think I remember there being a saying about something being worth it if you had to work hard for it, but I can't remember exactly how it goes.

I recently became a bit curious about weddings and their origins.  Through many articles I understand that due to religion and the beginning of Adam and Eve we are to unite in pairs.  Most commonly marriage was a union for reproduction or creation that was sealed with a kiss as if in a contract from one spouse to another.  Each culture differs from one to the next including arranged marriages, dowries, and other traditions. One tradition that changes slightly through the cultures yet remains the same is the rings.

The ring is the most famous wedding symbol and the most common. In early times in North Africa along the river Nile the fist rings were once fashioned.  Most commonly made from papyrus and either twisted or braided together to form a circle.  Not only is the ring itself a symbol of marriage as are the parts of the ring.  For instance, the circle that a ring is shaped in is to symbolize that of time as in eternity.  By putting on this ring you are accepting the promise that follows '...til death do us part.'  The middle to which your finger enters through the ring is a symbol for the gateway or door to which you are entering marriage, a new life. During the ceremony the ring is then put on the third finger on the left hand more popularly know as 'the ring finger.'  It was once believed that this finger was directly connected to the heart through a vein or artery thus sealing the promise to love.

Many superstitions evolved through the years concerning marriage, more specifically the ring.  I believe that 'the ring' is in fact the MOST important part of the wedding.  It is a promise to love, it is a reminder (like if you were to tie a string on your finger) of a commitment, it is  a privileged gateway to be with your spouse, and unfortunately to most these days....is decoration.  Think how many out there have commited to removing this emblem.  I was taught that once you make a promise you stick to it.  I guess I can't understand how something so eternal could have an end.

Biting your tongue

You ever have those days when there is something that just needs to be said, but as luck may have it you must keep your mouth closed on the matter? I seem to have this at some point in my day, every day.

Usually this is something that needs to be done when you disagree with someone, other times it is because whatever you think you should say may not need to be said at that time.  Now I am a very sarcastic person and have what I like to call 'a sharp tongue.'  Anyone could say one thing and my tongue lashes out the comback right on cue.  I will admit that this may not be needed every time, funny or not, but it is something that needs to be learned on how to control.  The tongue needs to be used properly (get your mind out of the gutter) and trained as if it were a pet.  I may not have it harnessed completely, but I am working on it.

Today it had to do with something that I did not completely agree with.  My head started to feel hot, my pits decided to sweat, and I pierced my lips together so I did not say anything.  I may not have completely agreed or disagreed with what was being said, but I felt like I was being attacked.  I really don't like to be considered 'the dumb one.'  If I allowed myself, I get really nasty and attack on my own.  The sad part about is, that I don't play nice in an attack.  I PLAY DIRTY.

So, sometimes for the sake of maybe a relationship, of how you feel about someone, of maturity or responsibility, etc, I must say it is better to hold thy tongue.  Who knows some day it might actually get cut off if you don't contain it.

Appreciate: to value or admire highly

I would just like to say that I bet quite a few people have never heard the word 'appreciate' and if they have they don't understand what it means. 

I have this relationship with this person who I do not feel has ever TRULY been appreciated.  You may be asking why I would think this.  Well, when you thank a person for something they did and they act as if the phrase is a different language, well my friends that is when you know.

Since then I have worked really hard to make sure people know that I notice things like hold a door open, get me a pop when I myself didn't even know I was thirsty, or do something out of the ordinary.  I have been taught, and believe, that two of the most powerful words you can ever utter to someone is 'thank you.'  Why? Think about it.  Someone is having a bad day, they do something for you maybe not even thinking their actions through and you say 'thank you.'  I bet they didn't expect it and if they did expect that you should say it they did not expect that you WOULD say it.  You can kill off a lot of bad moods with those two words.  ( believe me I know).

I also like to be appreciated especially when I put a lot of work into what I did.  At work, my co-worker and I scrubbed the cr*p out of a floor because it was filthy.  Last time we did that the lady who inspects it said it wasn't good enough.  My first thought was, 'What do you want me to do? Lick it off?'  Those people who just keep taking and taking really need to find something else to do or maybe even a hobby, but come on, someone just spent very valuable time and effort for you to see that there was mud in the deep crevices of your floor.

Just remember to thank someone today because sometime when you really need that person they won't be there to help you.  It's just two words, I don't think it is that hard, is it?

'Dare to Dream' and in Chinese that's ........yeah

I once read this book by a specific author.  Somehow I loved the book so much that I wanted to be a writer and inspire someone with the feeling that this author gave me.  Unfortunately, just recently this author has been selling his books off the charts, doing interviews, and more associated with his writing.

I am sorry to say that I am actually disappointed in everything that has gone on with his fame.  His interviews do not sound like the modest author who wanted to inspire someone, but that of an author who even though knows what he is doing is a bit full of himself. 

It is sad to say that I am very disappointed.  I fell in love with this author's books and to find out that he is not the type you necessarily want to look up to is like a kid finding out there is no Santa Claus.  You wonder if he has forgotten you or even appreciates you because it is common knowledge that without you there is no him.

Part of me almost wants to quit writing, but then there is another part of me that says, 'because of you I can do better.'  You have to remember the underdog.  You have to remember the small people.  You have to understand that without the base a pyramid does not stand a chance.

Bathroom talk

I bet you looked at this title and thought, "Ew! Why are we going to talk about this and what are you specifically going to talk about concerning the bathroom?" Well here is the deal, how you handle yourself can say a lot about your personality.  It can tell a person whether your good with money, if your responsible, and potentially how you handle your relationships.

Last night I went into my part time job which just so happens to include cleaning bathrooms.  Nothing ticks me off more than seeing tampons and sanitary napkins not in the  disposal that is provided.  Picture this, a high prestigious student loan center and the ladies cannot simply put something so small and simple into a paper baggy that is located next to them as they are doing their business.  The trash is less than two inches from your arm and you cannot just slip your waste in there? You could actually slip it in there by accident  it is so close to you.

So, I clean the bathrooms using gloves to take care of the trash when I come across a filthy napkin.  I wonder if people actually think about diseases and sanitation when they through these things away.  Do you know what is in your body that may be harmful to someone else? Do you know what could develop if not handled properly?  It makes me mad that someone could be so careless and thoughtless to the rest of the word because they have such a foul habit.  I don't know if any of you out there have heard of  at least wrapping your personal waste because A) no one needs to see what came out of you B) nobody needs your bodily fluids all over the bathroom or potentionally on them period.  It is a public restroom, please be considerate.

So, we have established that at this very clean looking loan center where everyone dresses up in business type suits and clothing that there are those who are fake at work, but are actually dirty.  Think about what this may say about how they work.  Is this person the type who gets their work done on time or are they a slacker in this area of their life as well?  If you can't do something simple how can you do something complicated?  Now what about their relationships?  This place is a  bit of a call center, so do they handle their clients with the same disregard that they give their co-workers?

I know this may seem like a weird entry and some of you may wonder why put it out there.  I'll tell you why, it is something to think about.  How do you want to be portrayed? Do YOUR actions and personality get portrayed as you want them to in everything you do? Or....are you JUST trash?

Passion for..."The Book" part 2

My favorite author is Nicholas Sparks, but lately from the articles I have read I am a bit disappointed because I don't know if it is the author being a bit cocky or if it is the author of the article that can't write correctly so Nicholas gets portrayed as cocky. 

 He does know what he is talking about, but there is a difference between modest and good at your craft compared to gloating and rubbing it in every one's face.  Funny thing is,  I had started a book about Domestic Violence because it was a personal story I wanted to tell.  Sad to say that when I was almost to my half way point "Safe Haven" came out.  So much for an original story!  I cried and even call my Mom (who has good advice) to tell her I quit.  I recently received a tweet from Nicholas saying that "Writing well is always hard because original ideas are rare."  My question to him, in which he has not responded, was "Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't every idea not an original idea, only that person's original story?" It was something my Mom told me to keep me writing. 

If you really think about it there is nothing original in this world anymore: thoughts, plans, stories, etc.  The only thing that is different is the fact that we are different people so how the story is told and some details can be original.  We are all different, right?

Passion for ...'The Book'

I remember in high school an old friend once told me that when we were friends in our elementary years she remembered that I could not keep my nose out of a book.  At that time I did not think she knew what she was talking about because I did not read much during that time and my passions were with other things life had to offer. 

I graduated from high school and went to college wanting to perform music.  Unfortunately, if destiny may have it, a professor who did not know how to relate to students yet had a Masters Degree in music, sent me crying to my dorm because I was worthless at music.  When I thought of music I thought that I could reach the stars and inspire someone.  I used to be able to play the piano by ear, that is until Mr. Masters Degree showed up.

Afterwards I just accepted that this was not the way for me to go.  I went home and by my Mom's advice tried hair.  To this day I still have my Cosmetology License, but I don't want to do hair because there is too much drama behind the chair.  Not only do I not get paid the same as a therapist to listen to the customers issues, but then there is the gossip from the women that dominate this industry.  In time you don't care about what the other girls did and need to escape the verbal vomit before you are sucked in too deep.  (Yes, ladies you all know this is true so don't deny it.)

Since then my life has moved forward and here I am back to the books, but taking it a bit further as to write.   If you can't tell the publishing industry is taking a hit due to new electronic devices that can upload your specific book request within minutes.  I wonder if these same people understand the appreciation from which these devices evolved, the actual book. I love going to the library (no matter how sad the collection) and sifting through the books.  The smell and the feeling that in these 100 or so pages can take you anywhere your heart desires and for FREE. I've been to North Carolina a few times, tweeted with an author in New York, time traveled to the 18th century, etc. I obviously don't like to just sit and do nothing :)

It's all in the experience, the learning, and the knowing that somewhere somehow you have more in the palm of your hands than any gas tank can take you. Kinda makes you feel like God a little bit by holding so much in your hands, huh?