Today is technically my day off, but I was going to go into work some overtime. I never made it. When you have been sick and realize you overworked your body you take it easy until it is time to continue at full speed again. Instead I procrasinated from my school work by cleaning my neglected apartment which gave me time to clear my head a little before I could write things down.
I have had my head full this week and after awhile it blocks my ability to function. I would compare it to a car with only half a tank. Anyway, I have been thinking about The Ward again. I think it is because I want to get away, run away. I go through this cycle every so often, but instead of speeding to the next town I went back in time. A story started to play in my head with the ballroom again. It would be a great place for me to just sit and write. Travelling back through time and space, leaving my seat behind me would be exactly what I need right now. I put on the corset, the layers to my dress, the heels, the expensive jewelry, and become what society wanted me to be at that time. I transform into the quiet lady that knows all. She is not suppose to have power to change the things around her, but in her own manipulative way she seeks revenge and corrects the wrong doings around her. As I write this, I can feel the passion boiling in my chest.
Once my time travelling ends I return to the present. A discussion with a friend this week made me think about forgiveness. I understand pain, confusion, misunderstanding, but that does not mean due to these things you should not forgive a person. If a person did not forgive because of these things there would be no one worthy to be in that person's life. To be honest, forgiveness is not for the person who did the wrong deed, but for the person he or she did it to. Let me just say if I did not forgive the people who have hurt me in the past I would be a rather angry person and to carry such anger can only kill a person in the end. It would be like purposely committing suicide from the inside. I have felt that before and it is not something I ever want to feel again. Forgiveness is a gift and to throw it away is shutting yourself off to living life to the fullest extent. Maybe I am wrong, but for my life this is what is right for me until it is proven otherwise.
So now that forgiving is not the burden I can go kick some bum. (yes, I would have used a stronger word, but for this it is appropriate). I want to be someone else even if it is only for a short time. I think about the show 'Alias' that starred Jennifer Garner. I do not even know where to go with this thought because I am still stuck in a time warp from before.
I think I am going to include some inspiration in some entries, meaning songs. Below are some songs that helped my thinking process. Enjoy.
'Save You' by Simple Plan
'What If' by Simple Plan
'Craving' by T.A.T.U.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Save me
Yesterday I had put a song on my MP3 to listen to at work. Today I sat at my desk pondering how this song made me feel. It is interesting how a song could just make you stop and think as you listen to it over and over.
I continued to listen to the song when I got home as well. There were certain lyrics that I could not get out of my head. For example, "This time won't you save me..." or " It's not your fault I'm a bitch, I'm a monster. Yes, I'm a beast and I feast when I conquer." I kept repeating these lyrics even after the music stopped.
Every girl in her life has a moment where they are a D.I.D. If you do not know what this means you need to watch the Disney version 'Hercules.' A D.I.D. stands for Damsel In Distress. (I like to joke Damself in this dress). Some part of us no matter how strong we are needs saving or wants to be saved. Inside we want to be 'woo-ed,' we want the door to be opened for us, we want the old fashion male courtesy.
The other lyrics brings me back to my senior prom. In high school I was not the most gorgeous girl in the class. Actually I was the outcast. I would say that I was the fat ugly chick. I know if you are reading this you may wonder why I would say that when my personality is free spirited and craves excitement. Well, I remember for my senior year 13 guys had turned me down to be my date. I had always hoped that I would be a Cinderella, but instead I a Beast. At the end of the movie the Beast turns into a prince and gets the girl. In the end, I am just me....nothing more, nothing less.
I still sometimes feel like that girl back in high school, but I know her accomplishments and how strong she is. It is time that she be compared to a wild Mustang that runs through the desert and cannot be tamed. The warmth of the skin a human hand as she takes a breath in and out. Her soft mane chases behind her as her spirit runs free. Can she be tamed? Will she ever be saved? Will she run forever?
I continued to listen to the song when I got home as well. There were certain lyrics that I could not get out of my head. For example, "This time won't you save me..." or " It's not your fault I'm a bitch, I'm a monster. Yes, I'm a beast and I feast when I conquer." I kept repeating these lyrics even after the music stopped.
Every girl in her life has a moment where they are a D.I.D. If you do not know what this means you need to watch the Disney version 'Hercules.' A D.I.D. stands for Damsel In Distress. (I like to joke Damself in this dress). Some part of us no matter how strong we are needs saving or wants to be saved. Inside we want to be 'woo-ed,' we want the door to be opened for us, we want the old fashion male courtesy.
The other lyrics brings me back to my senior prom. In high school I was not the most gorgeous girl in the class. Actually I was the outcast. I would say that I was the fat ugly chick. I know if you are reading this you may wonder why I would say that when my personality is free spirited and craves excitement. Well, I remember for my senior year 13 guys had turned me down to be my date. I had always hoped that I would be a Cinderella, but instead I a Beast. At the end of the movie the Beast turns into a prince and gets the girl. In the end, I am just me....nothing more, nothing less.
I still sometimes feel like that girl back in high school, but I know her accomplishments and how strong she is. It is time that she be compared to a wild Mustang that runs through the desert and cannot be tamed. The warmth of the skin a human hand as she takes a breath in and out. Her soft mane chases behind her as her spirit runs free. Can she be tamed? Will she ever be saved? Will she run forever?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
The Dark Reflection
Today I woke up in a dark mood, one that was not normally me. The feeling was recognized from my past, but because I have other things to get done during my day I surpressed it as much as possible.
The night grew dark outside the window, but the glass was cold. She knew that with one hit the glass would shatter and she would be free. The cage that held her, separated her from the rest of the world. There was no touch, no feeling, just complete and utter numbness. Each night she cried as her chest would rise and fall with each breathe. They did not see her. She was a disease.
During the course of the day there were times where I could be distracted, but unfortunately that never lasted long. It is funny how you can be yourself yet feel like you are someone else watching you. I remember the feeling of my eyes sinking into my head as I tried to focus on the task at hand. Days like these wear me out because of how much brain power I have to use. My thoughts ran back to seventh grade.
The wound was fresh. The blood dripped down as the punture hole grew. She had tried to avoid it as much as possible, but it was her destiny. The lats thing she remembered was grabbing her chest hoping the pain was subside. She was alone again. How had this happened? How had she allowed the pain to get this strong and tear her apart? Why couldn't someone have just held her for a moment before she disappeared forever.
I went to my dark place today. It is not pleasant there and actually very dangerous for me. Sometimes it takes days to fight my way back. You can run, you can yell, you can scream for help and somehow you can still end up alone. The weather is never the same except the rain. It pours here leaving me tredging the extra weight of wet clothes. In the past I have left them behind and forgotten them knowing they were unnecessary baggage. During the night I do have trouble finding a place to sleep, so I usuallly have to curl up in the sand to keep warm. Surprisingly my body has never frozen, but the last time Mother Nature took my heart. As long as I continued to walk on my journey she would allow me to live for the price of the heart. I did not need it anyway.
Continuing on my path my body wore out on me. By the time I reach home, being back to normal, my clothes were ripped and most of my body bled. Still, no one heard my tears.
Well if you are reading this I am sure you are pretty lost. Welcome to my mind. I did go to a dark place today and since it is not normally the type of person I am, I think of it as a reflection in a mirror that I visit from time to time. I may not physically go to this place, but I reside here in a beautifully broke way that no one else sees me as. I worry one of these days that my visit will become permanent which I have fotunately prevented so far. Right now I am hoping someone just comes through the door and holds me for a bit. Maybe it will give me the strength to return a bit faster.
The night grew dark outside the window, but the glass was cold. She knew that with one hit the glass would shatter and she would be free. The cage that held her, separated her from the rest of the world. There was no touch, no feeling, just complete and utter numbness. Each night she cried as her chest would rise and fall with each breathe. They did not see her. She was a disease.
During the course of the day there were times where I could be distracted, but unfortunately that never lasted long. It is funny how you can be yourself yet feel like you are someone else watching you. I remember the feeling of my eyes sinking into my head as I tried to focus on the task at hand. Days like these wear me out because of how much brain power I have to use. My thoughts ran back to seventh grade.
The wound was fresh. The blood dripped down as the punture hole grew. She had tried to avoid it as much as possible, but it was her destiny. The lats thing she remembered was grabbing her chest hoping the pain was subside. She was alone again. How had this happened? How had she allowed the pain to get this strong and tear her apart? Why couldn't someone have just held her for a moment before she disappeared forever.
I went to my dark place today. It is not pleasant there and actually very dangerous for me. Sometimes it takes days to fight my way back. You can run, you can yell, you can scream for help and somehow you can still end up alone. The weather is never the same except the rain. It pours here leaving me tredging the extra weight of wet clothes. In the past I have left them behind and forgotten them knowing they were unnecessary baggage. During the night I do have trouble finding a place to sleep, so I usuallly have to curl up in the sand to keep warm. Surprisingly my body has never frozen, but the last time Mother Nature took my heart. As long as I continued to walk on my journey she would allow me to live for the price of the heart. I did not need it anyway.
Continuing on my path my body wore out on me. By the time I reach home, being back to normal, my clothes were ripped and most of my body bled. Still, no one heard my tears.
Well if you are reading this I am sure you are pretty lost. Welcome to my mind. I did go to a dark place today and since it is not normally the type of person I am, I think of it as a reflection in a mirror that I visit from time to time. I may not physically go to this place, but I reside here in a beautifully broke way that no one else sees me as. I worry one of these days that my visit will become permanent which I have fotunately prevented so far. Right now I am hoping someone just comes through the door and holds me for a bit. Maybe it will give me the strength to return a bit faster.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Dangerous thawing
I do not understand how it started to happen. I do not even know if I regret it yet. Today I am listening to music I have not touched in almost a decade. My CDs include anything from Phantom of the Opera, Rent, BSB, Bryan Adams, etc. I even found my first CD....Spice Girls. I had to laugh at that remembering when they first came out.
While listening to my collection I remembered the things that happened during the time the music came out. I relive the good times, the bad times, the hard times, and even some of the times I did not make it through. I hardened my heart a long time ago because there is so much pain. To be honest, I do not even remember most of my past. It hurt so much that everything got blocked. I do not know how I did it, or if any of it will come back. I do remember the feelings that came with that package.
My heart has been locked up for so long that I foget how it affectes others, moreso new people in my life. I may be open about most things, but the pain...the part that makes me truly real is still locked in secret. Some day someone will hopefully break through. In the mean time I need to do some repair on my heart to save it. As strong as I felt hate this past year, I do not know if I can handle feeling the strength of the opposite feeling. Sometimes I wonder if it is this opposite that could make me weak.
While listening to my collection I remembered the things that happened during the time the music came out. I relive the good times, the bad times, the hard times, and even some of the times I did not make it through. I hardened my heart a long time ago because there is so much pain. To be honest, I do not even remember most of my past. It hurt so much that everything got blocked. I do not know how I did it, or if any of it will come back. I do remember the feelings that came with that package.
My heart has been locked up for so long that I foget how it affectes others, moreso new people in my life. I may be open about most things, but the pain...the part that makes me truly real is still locked in secret. Some day someone will hopefully break through. In the mean time I need to do some repair on my heart to save it. As strong as I felt hate this past year, I do not know if I can handle feeling the strength of the opposite feeling. Sometimes I wonder if it is this opposite that could make me weak.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Keeping you close
The last couple days I have been a bit distracted. I had wanted to talk to someone, but it seemed no one would listen. So I do what I do best, write it down.
Tonight as I listen to the Goo Goo Dolls in the background I think back a few months when I met someone who I connected with right away. We are a lot alike except I had a parent who loved me and he obviously did not.
I remember the first meeting. Somehow, he just spilled everything about himself to me and about his life. I loved how he could make up his own songs on his guitar, but what probably most attracted me to him was his passion. I have not found many people who are purely passionate about things in life. Until he got in trouble we would talk for hours about anything and everything. The only setback was that he is a bit younger than me.
This guy was the son of a former friend. Unfortunately, when she was his age she was doing the same things he was. I guess I never completely understood the need for drugs, sex, and alcohol to make yourself feel better, but I understood a need to need. I remember one particular night. We had a very serious conversation and he had told me he had no one to rely on in his life. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should not have done what I did next. I think it did make a difference in this young man's life though.
I gave him my phone number and told him to call anytime he ever needed anything. After I became firt on his list to call. There were calls for rides from work, to help with his girlfriend, or even just to talk because he happened to be going through something and no one else would listen. There was a time when he was at the fair early in the morning. He had text me asking me to join him. Without hesitation I left even after I had gotten 2-3 hours of sleep.
I continued to follow through with that promise. I had never made a promise like that to anyone ever. This past November my friend was to be sent away. I do not know if he was sent away, but he did disappear that is until Tuesday at 1am. I received this random text that brought tears to my eyes. I had missed him so much and he had missed me just as much. Life is tough for him now because he is paying the price for his wrongdoings. It makes me sad because I had an influence on him to try to change and just when he thought he had a chance this happened.
During our texting time I told him to hang in there and when he reached a stage where I could write him I would. I wait for this time. He knows I care, actually more than his neglectful mother. I still have not left his side even though I feel very helpless right now.
Dear D,
I still believe in you and always will. You know where to find me.
love, IVS
Tonight as I listen to the Goo Goo Dolls in the background I think back a few months when I met someone who I connected with right away. We are a lot alike except I had a parent who loved me and he obviously did not.
I remember the first meeting. Somehow, he just spilled everything about himself to me and about his life. I loved how he could make up his own songs on his guitar, but what probably most attracted me to him was his passion. I have not found many people who are purely passionate about things in life. Until he got in trouble we would talk for hours about anything and everything. The only setback was that he is a bit younger than me.
This guy was the son of a former friend. Unfortunately, when she was his age she was doing the same things he was. I guess I never completely understood the need for drugs, sex, and alcohol to make yourself feel better, but I understood a need to need. I remember one particular night. We had a very serious conversation and he had told me he had no one to rely on in his life. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should not have done what I did next. I think it did make a difference in this young man's life though.
I gave him my phone number and told him to call anytime he ever needed anything. After I became firt on his list to call. There were calls for rides from work, to help with his girlfriend, or even just to talk because he happened to be going through something and no one else would listen. There was a time when he was at the fair early in the morning. He had text me asking me to join him. Without hesitation I left even after I had gotten 2-3 hours of sleep.
I continued to follow through with that promise. I had never made a promise like that to anyone ever. This past November my friend was to be sent away. I do not know if he was sent away, but he did disappear that is until Tuesday at 1am. I received this random text that brought tears to my eyes. I had missed him so much and he had missed me just as much. Life is tough for him now because he is paying the price for his wrongdoings. It makes me sad because I had an influence on him to try to change and just when he thought he had a chance this happened.
During our texting time I told him to hang in there and when he reached a stage where I could write him I would. I wait for this time. He knows I care, actually more than his neglectful mother. I still have not left his side even though I feel very helpless right now.
Dear D,
I still believe in you and always will. You know where to find me.
love, IVS
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Valentine's Day
This weekend I walked around some stores and noticed Valentine's everywhere. I remember when I was in elementary school where you had to pick out cute little Valentine cards with candy to give to your class. As funny as it may sound, I always had to pick out the one perfect card for each person based on what they meant to me. As I got older the holiday lost its meaning. I used to tell people that if you were not in the mush it was not worth it. I was never one of those to get the flowers, the jewelry, or the candy. In high school I may have been a bit jealous of those girls until I realized, "Why do I want someone to feel obligated to tell me they love me on this specific day?" I would personally prefer someone tell me out of the blue "I love you" and mean it. On Valentine's Day it does not seem that it would hold any genuine meaning to me.
Now I am not saying that if it is said to someone it is not genuine, but then why did you 'go all out' for this one particular day of the year? Did you not love me enough before this day? Why only love me one day when you can love me for more?
I understand that if you are reading this you may wonder why my heart is so cold. My love cheated on me on Valentine's Day. The depressing part is that he was with someone else that day and I was left alone. I remember he had the nerve to bring the Valentine's Day card from the other woman home. He never knew I found it, but the words still ring in my head..."You have awaken the love in me." I never want to feel that pain ever again. Do you know what it is like to hate and love someone so much that you almost want to kill them, but know you cannot? To give you an honest picture, it is a burning pain in your chest that makes you want to rip your heart out operating as if you were a robot. For Wizard of Oz sake the Tinman did not know what he was getting himself into. For that moment, I envied him.
Even though I was not able to rip my heart out, I have closed it a bit.....ok, a lot. That hate that I felt stayed with me for so long and it was not me. I believe that everyone has a dark side and that, we will say, was definitely too deep for me.
Now I am not saying that if it is said to someone it is not genuine, but then why did you 'go all out' for this one particular day of the year? Did you not love me enough before this day? Why only love me one day when you can love me for more?
I understand that if you are reading this you may wonder why my heart is so cold. My love cheated on me on Valentine's Day. The depressing part is that he was with someone else that day and I was left alone. I remember he had the nerve to bring the Valentine's Day card from the other woman home. He never knew I found it, but the words still ring in my head..."You have awaken the love in me." I never want to feel that pain ever again. Do you know what it is like to hate and love someone so much that you almost want to kill them, but know you cannot? To give you an honest picture, it is a burning pain in your chest that makes you want to rip your heart out operating as if you were a robot. For Wizard of Oz sake the Tinman did not know what he was getting himself into. For that moment, I envied him.
Even though I was not able to rip my heart out, I have closed it a bit.....ok, a lot. That hate that I felt stayed with me for so long and it was not me. I believe that everyone has a dark side and that, we will say, was definitely too deep for me.
The Survivor
I would like to share this story with any of you who read this. I had submitted it to a contest. Unfortunately I did not win, but that does not stop me from writing nor sharing the story itself. I hope any of you enjoy this and understand it is based on something deep down that is a very vulnerable part of me.
As I looked in the mirror I barely recognized myself anymore. He had hit me so many times that I had to search for any bare skin that had been untouched by color. When I married him I had not planned on fighting for my life. Wondering if the feeling was ever mutual, I knew that I had truly loved him and now I had to train myself not to care. I guess it is true what they say about teaching an old dog new tricks. I had spent 11 years of my life telling him how I felt, giving only him my body as we made love. For the first five years it was just us.
Half way through our marriage he slowly left me even though he claims I was the one who ran out on him. There were late nights at work, business trips that he had never taken before in his work position, and money that kept disappearing from our financial accounts. The first time I had asked about it he tongue-tied his way around the topic in a manipulating way so that the missing money somehow became my fault. I watched over the next few months, as hundreds more disappeared and somehow ended up in different towns to what looked like hotels or local bed and breakfast places.
I did call the numbers associated with the charges. To my amazement some were expensive motels with well-known restaurants connected to them. Knowing this, my heart sank. This was not proof that he had cheated, but the odds did not look good for him. I confronted him for the second time in hopes my intuition was wrong. This time he became furious with me throwing insults at me like "fat" and "ugly". After a few minutes I do not remember what happened after his strong hand swiftly slapped my face on the left side. I thought I heard my jaw break. Either way I remember my face hurting so much I could barely keep my eyes open as I began to cry. He had never hit me like that before. Usually I was just shoved or slammed up against the wall, but this was going beyond my comfort zone.
There was another trip which he had taken where he was gone for a couple weeks. I thought maybe I could inspire what we used to be when we first started dating. Before he returned I got him a gift that no one would think about getting him and planned a special dinner. I framed his favorite wedding picture of us since we did not have any other pictures of us together. It frightened me to think that it had been 5 years and the only pictures of us were from our wedding. Sometimes I wondered if he had been ashamed of me. I was not allowed to meet his friends, take pictures, or be seen in public with him. I recall I had asked about this once and my hand almost ended up with a third degree burn from our stove.
Even the smallest burn that I had received left me questioning our life together. Why would someone who loved you want to hurt you? Why was I hidden from the rest of the word? Why was I a secret that somehow did not exist? Every day I slowly felt "myself" slipping away. Over time I barely knew who I was. I had no motivation and no goals except to live exactly how he wanted me to. Over the next few months I found out that if I did not live exactly up to what he thought he deserved I was then ‘punished.’ Yes; I was actually hit, kicked, pushed, burned you name it. With each punishment he seemed to get more creative. My confidence, my personality, any essence that was truly me was almost gone until one day I realized I had enough.
Our relationship should not be one-sided and where a partner was your parent who could punish you, but a team member who helped improve what you shared together. I had tried my best to improve. I thought if only I could have improved, would he have loved me more? If I could have been the women he was really attracted to, would he ever have loved me?
As much as I loved him I started to realize I needed to love myself more. The last time I had seen my psychologist she had told me I needed to look into this mirror and remind myself that I was worth more, that I was worth more than his cheating and his lying. She reminded me over and over that I was worth more than the physical abuse my body had to endure, but mentally I could not fathom being worth anything at all to this point. Had I been worth something would he not have hit me to begin with? Would he not have loved me for me? If I had been worth something I would not have gone through this in the first place. I had only been gone for a couple weeks and I still blamed myself.
Everyone kept telling me that I was the victim, that he hurt me, and it was not my fault. I was asked once, ‘If your friend was going through the same situation you are would you allow her to blame herself?’ Of course I said ‘no’ explaining she could have never foreseen what was to come. It was then I realized I should be a little easier on myself.
My reflection in the mirror started to soften as I went through my thoughts. I needed to forgive myself, but I could not because I had heard my voice in my head and my heart telling me to leave him. This time my morals had taken over. I had pushed myself to love him and be dedicated to him. I thought this is what love was, until it started to physically hurt.
I remember the small stuff: being slammed against the wall, slapped across the face, purposely tripped on a hard surface. Unfortunately, I was never able to figure out the reason. It was small stuff: I did not wash a dish right, I did not place an object the right direction, and the sad part is…when asked, he could never explain to me why he was mad.
A few short months later I stumbled across the reason. I had a moment to look at his phone which showed text messages and voicemails from other girls. Yes, plural ‘girls.’ I was so embarrassed and angry. Others had warned me about him, but I believed everyone deserved to be loved by someone. I obviously did not think that I was one of them. He had actually "left me" months ago and here I was trying to compete with something that I had not known about until now or at least had proof of.
Many of the girls were begging to be in a relationship with him through this phone. After some research I found out most were insecure single mothers. I knew he was not happy that we did not have a child yet, but I was more thankful we did not have kids. I knew I could never bring a child into his demented mess. Why should a child suffer because of their parent’s insecurities like his?
After some time of investigation and a threat towards my life, I left him. I was scared for my life with or without him. I had kissed him that morning I left him just before I headed out the door for work because I still loved him. I had to force myself to hold back my vomit because of where those lips had potentially been. I had proof of that now.
That night I left my husband and many after I cried myself to sleep wishing I could rip my heart out so the pain would go away. I tried to ignore it as much as possible by working, realizing I deserved a better life. A woman who is physically abused by her domestic partner usually goes back about 6 times before actually removing herself from the situation permanently. I was a one timer. I was proud that I was smart enough to realize that I should ‘love (myself) more than love him.’ It was a friend told me that once.
The next few weeks were a blur. Slowly events came rushing to my memory.
“You slutty whore. I know you slept with him. I ought to get rid of a cheater like you. I should have known better than to marry your sorry ass.”
After that I was kicked and punched for the next 20 minutes. I was surprised that I did not bruise from this incident, but noticed that the time for him to realize what he was doing and to "snap out of it" was taking longer and longer.
I looked up. There was my reflection one last time in this mirror. I saw my reflection knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel. My separation from him was almost complete and I was moving to my own place. I looked into my eyes, touching my hand to its reflection in the mirror.
“Hello old friend, it has been years since I have seen you. You look better from when I last saw you. I am sorry I was not there to protect you earlier. You do not have to worry, I am here now. Please forgive me.”
“I forgive you. I just feel so alone now. No one truly understands. I wish I could just hate him and get it over with, but I still love him. Don’t you feel it?”
“I do, but you are worth more. You are a smart, beautiful, and unfortunately WE have to go through these feelings to get to that point. I will not leave you, not this time.”
“Why not? Others have. I know they do not understand or want to deal with the sob story anymore. They just keep telling me do this, do that, and you will feel better. Well, guess what? It does not work.”
I was getting so angry that tears began to drip down my cheeks. I had gone through these thoughts before, but not like this.
“Alex. Alex. Alex, snap out of it? Finish it.”
“Ok. I am Alex. I am a woman of worth. I am smart, I am pretty, and I am a survivor. I do not need a man to make me happy. I may have lost myself and stopped dreaming. I will move on. I will progress. I will find love again even if it is learning to love myself. Good bye, Alex.”
I removed my hand from the glass leaving a heated hand print behind. My eyes, still gazing at themselves, acknowledged the farewell as I slowly moved away. A call from downstairs, “Alex, it’s time,” broke my trance. I was going to move past the group home to my own home.
I looked back to the mirror. “I’ll see you later, Alex. Come visit me?”
“I will -but I won’t leave you this time.”
Half way through our marriage he slowly left me even though he claims I was the one who ran out on him. There were late nights at work, business trips that he had never taken before in his work position, and money that kept disappearing from our financial accounts. The first time I had asked about it he tongue-tied his way around the topic in a manipulating way so that the missing money somehow became my fault. I watched over the next few months, as hundreds more disappeared and somehow ended up in different towns to what looked like hotels or local bed and breakfast places.
I did call the numbers associated with the charges. To my amazement some were expensive motels with well-known restaurants connected to them. Knowing this, my heart sank. This was not proof that he had cheated, but the odds did not look good for him. I confronted him for the second time in hopes my intuition was wrong. This time he became furious with me throwing insults at me like "fat" and "ugly". After a few minutes I do not remember what happened after his strong hand swiftly slapped my face on the left side. I thought I heard my jaw break. Either way I remember my face hurting so much I could barely keep my eyes open as I began to cry. He had never hit me like that before. Usually I was just shoved or slammed up against the wall, but this was going beyond my comfort zone.
There was another trip which he had taken where he was gone for a couple weeks. I thought maybe I could inspire what we used to be when we first started dating. Before he returned I got him a gift that no one would think about getting him and planned a special dinner. I framed his favorite wedding picture of us since we did not have any other pictures of us together. It frightened me to think that it had been 5 years and the only pictures of us were from our wedding. Sometimes I wondered if he had been ashamed of me. I was not allowed to meet his friends, take pictures, or be seen in public with him. I recall I had asked about this once and my hand almost ended up with a third degree burn from our stove.
Even the smallest burn that I had received left me questioning our life together. Why would someone who loved you want to hurt you? Why was I hidden from the rest of the word? Why was I a secret that somehow did not exist? Every day I slowly felt "myself" slipping away. Over time I barely knew who I was. I had no motivation and no goals except to live exactly how he wanted me to. Over the next few months I found out that if I did not live exactly up to what he thought he deserved I was then ‘punished.’ Yes; I was actually hit, kicked, pushed, burned you name it. With each punishment he seemed to get more creative. My confidence, my personality, any essence that was truly me was almost gone until one day I realized I had enough.
Our relationship should not be one-sided and where a partner was your parent who could punish you, but a team member who helped improve what you shared together. I had tried my best to improve. I thought if only I could have improved, would he have loved me more? If I could have been the women he was really attracted to, would he ever have loved me?
As much as I loved him I started to realize I needed to love myself more. The last time I had seen my psychologist she had told me I needed to look into this mirror and remind myself that I was worth more, that I was worth more than his cheating and his lying. She reminded me over and over that I was worth more than the physical abuse my body had to endure, but mentally I could not fathom being worth anything at all to this point. Had I been worth something would he not have hit me to begin with? Would he not have loved me for me? If I had been worth something I would not have gone through this in the first place. I had only been gone for a couple weeks and I still blamed myself.
Everyone kept telling me that I was the victim, that he hurt me, and it was not my fault. I was asked once, ‘If your friend was going through the same situation you are would you allow her to blame herself?’ Of course I said ‘no’ explaining she could have never foreseen what was to come. It was then I realized I should be a little easier on myself.
My reflection in the mirror started to soften as I went through my thoughts. I needed to forgive myself, but I could not because I had heard my voice in my head and my heart telling me to leave him. This time my morals had taken over. I had pushed myself to love him and be dedicated to him. I thought this is what love was, until it started to physically hurt.
I remember the small stuff: being slammed against the wall, slapped across the face, purposely tripped on a hard surface. Unfortunately, I was never able to figure out the reason. It was small stuff: I did not wash a dish right, I did not place an object the right direction, and the sad part is…when asked, he could never explain to me why he was mad.
A few short months later I stumbled across the reason. I had a moment to look at his phone which showed text messages and voicemails from other girls. Yes, plural ‘girls.’ I was so embarrassed and angry. Others had warned me about him, but I believed everyone deserved to be loved by someone. I obviously did not think that I was one of them. He had actually "left me" months ago and here I was trying to compete with something that I had not known about until now or at least had proof of.
Many of the girls were begging to be in a relationship with him through this phone. After some research I found out most were insecure single mothers. I knew he was not happy that we did not have a child yet, but I was more thankful we did not have kids. I knew I could never bring a child into his demented mess. Why should a child suffer because of their parent’s insecurities like his?
After some time of investigation and a threat towards my life, I left him. I was scared for my life with or without him. I had kissed him that morning I left him just before I headed out the door for work because I still loved him. I had to force myself to hold back my vomit because of where those lips had potentially been. I had proof of that now.
That night I left my husband and many after I cried myself to sleep wishing I could rip my heart out so the pain would go away. I tried to ignore it as much as possible by working, realizing I deserved a better life. A woman who is physically abused by her domestic partner usually goes back about 6 times before actually removing herself from the situation permanently. I was a one timer. I was proud that I was smart enough to realize that I should ‘love (myself) more than love him.’ It was a friend told me that once.
The next few weeks were a blur. Slowly events came rushing to my memory.
“You slutty whore. I know you slept with him. I ought to get rid of a cheater like you. I should have known better than to marry your sorry ass.”
After that I was kicked and punched for the next 20 minutes. I was surprised that I did not bruise from this incident, but noticed that the time for him to realize what he was doing and to "snap out of it" was taking longer and longer.
I looked up. There was my reflection one last time in this mirror. I saw my reflection knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel. My separation from him was almost complete and I was moving to my own place. I looked into my eyes, touching my hand to its reflection in the mirror.
“Hello old friend, it has been years since I have seen you. You look better from when I last saw you. I am sorry I was not there to protect you earlier. You do not have to worry, I am here now. Please forgive me.”
“I forgive you. I just feel so alone now. No one truly understands. I wish I could just hate him and get it over with, but I still love him. Don’t you feel it?”
“I do, but you are worth more. You are a smart, beautiful, and unfortunately WE have to go through these feelings to get to that point. I will not leave you, not this time.”
“Why not? Others have. I know they do not understand or want to deal with the sob story anymore. They just keep telling me do this, do that, and you will feel better. Well, guess what? It does not work.”
I was getting so angry that tears began to drip down my cheeks. I had gone through these thoughts before, but not like this.
“Alex. Alex. Alex, snap out of it? Finish it.”
“Ok. I am Alex. I am a woman of worth. I am smart, I am pretty, and I am a survivor. I do not need a man to make me happy. I may have lost myself and stopped dreaming. I will move on. I will progress. I will find love again even if it is learning to love myself. Good bye, Alex.”
I removed my hand from the glass leaving a heated hand print behind. My eyes, still gazing at themselves, acknowledged the farewell as I slowly moved away. A call from downstairs, “Alex, it’s time,” broke my trance. I was going to move past the group home to my own home.
I looked back to the mirror. “I’ll see you later, Alex. Come visit me?”
“I will -but I won’t leave you this time.”
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Some things you do not want to know....
A few years ago I remember telling myself and others that sometimes the things you want to know are actually the things you do not want to know. I must say today I will say I should continue to follow this rule.
Today I experienced a moment where I could have ripped my heart out of my chest. A friend of mine thought that I wanted more out of our relationship than what this person wanted. I will admit there are things about this person that I am attracted to, but that does not mean I would compromise something important to me.
Let me explain a bit. My mother has a friend who she calls and talks to on a daily basis. They can talk about anything and everything, nothing, and anything in between. I thought I had this with this person. I was proven wrong. I have come to the conclusion that this is what happens when you jump into anything with both feet not knowing how deep you are getting yourself into whatever it is you are getting into.
So as of today it has been decided that I might need to distance myself. Why? My heart hurts. If I had a choice right now it would be the one thing I would give up. I had mentioned to this person that I froze my heart and the person proceeded to tell me they wanted to thaw it out. I do not know why and I wish he/she would leave my heart alone. I am sick of crying and sick of the pain, mainly in my chest. All I wanted was to have someone to be close to or socialize with on a different level.
Well, considering I will be tied up for a few weeks I just have a small prayer, a prayer that my heart does not return to me at this time. I wish for it to be tied up and temporarily if not permanently frozen. I think I might be done caring for awhile.....................
Today I experienced a moment where I could have ripped my heart out of my chest. A friend of mine thought that I wanted more out of our relationship than what this person wanted. I will admit there are things about this person that I am attracted to, but that does not mean I would compromise something important to me.
Let me explain a bit. My mother has a friend who she calls and talks to on a daily basis. They can talk about anything and everything, nothing, and anything in between. I thought I had this with this person. I was proven wrong. I have come to the conclusion that this is what happens when you jump into anything with both feet not knowing how deep you are getting yourself into whatever it is you are getting into.
So as of today it has been decided that I might need to distance myself. Why? My heart hurts. If I had a choice right now it would be the one thing I would give up. I had mentioned to this person that I froze my heart and the person proceeded to tell me they wanted to thaw it out. I do not know why and I wish he/she would leave my heart alone. I am sick of crying and sick of the pain, mainly in my chest. All I wanted was to have someone to be close to or socialize with on a different level.
Well, considering I will be tied up for a few weeks I just have a small prayer, a prayer that my heart does not return to me at this time. I wish for it to be tied up and temporarily if not permanently frozen. I think I might be done caring for awhile.....................
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Things I'll never say
It is a new year and I am scared, but in a good way. I know this year I am going to grow. I get to start school, I get to have my own name back, and I get to make my prison what I want it to be. The thing I did not expect was to want to be with someone who I probably should not care about.
Let me start from the beginning. I have had a rough year. It is actually a very long, 8 month story. In the short version I lost trust in someone close to me and froze my heart. Why? I do not want to hurt and I do not want to feel pain. I kept my distance from people and as far as making friends was concerned, I only let them get so far into knowing me.
Unfortunately I think I may have been a bit careless and let someone in too far. Tonight I fight with myself trying to decide what I want because everything we do is based on this other person's rules. What about what I want or how I feel? Should I tell you the truth? This person I do not think really sees me. I wonder if I am just convenience. This person has made it perfectly clear what the person's intentions are, but I think I am going to end up hurting myself if I potentially hope for more. I will admit I like this person and I like being the friend because it is what I am good at. The whole situation actually surprises me because I did not expect to open up to this person. When I barely knew this person I did not give a second thought in that direction. In fact, I completely had the opposite thought that I do now more so because of the fact that there was nothing there to relate to at the time. Proves you 'can't judge a book by it's cover.'
So what do I do? Do I be honest and say what I should say in order not to hurt myself or do I keep my heart frozen and decide not to care? Maybe I should just move on not caring what happens to others. Maybe the potential of just disappearing to prevent pain will work....ah, who am I kidding? I am not ready for this. I'm still scarred and probably not fully healed yet. So what do I do?........I take it day by day trying to avoid as much pain as possible. Who knows, maybe some day someone will notice me for a change.................................
'If I could say what I want to say'
Let me start from the beginning. I have had a rough year. It is actually a very long, 8 month story. In the short version I lost trust in someone close to me and froze my heart. Why? I do not want to hurt and I do not want to feel pain. I kept my distance from people and as far as making friends was concerned, I only let them get so far into knowing me.
Unfortunately I think I may have been a bit careless and let someone in too far. Tonight I fight with myself trying to decide what I want because everything we do is based on this other person's rules. What about what I want or how I feel? Should I tell you the truth? This person I do not think really sees me. I wonder if I am just convenience. This person has made it perfectly clear what the person's intentions are, but I think I am going to end up hurting myself if I potentially hope for more. I will admit I like this person and I like being the friend because it is what I am good at. The whole situation actually surprises me because I did not expect to open up to this person. When I barely knew this person I did not give a second thought in that direction. In fact, I completely had the opposite thought that I do now more so because of the fact that there was nothing there to relate to at the time. Proves you 'can't judge a book by it's cover.'
So what do I do? Do I be honest and say what I should say in order not to hurt myself or do I keep my heart frozen and decide not to care? Maybe I should just move on not caring what happens to others. Maybe the potential of just disappearing to prevent pain will work....ah, who am I kidding? I am not ready for this. I'm still scarred and probably not fully healed yet. So what do I do?........I take it day by day trying to avoid as much pain as possible. Who knows, maybe some day someone will notice me for a change.................................
'If I could say what I want to say'
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