Letting Go

Tonight as I was relaxing in the tub trying to warm up from the cold outdoors, my mind wandered off to the thought of musicals and other types of performances.  I thought of Stomp and the music made with objects such as garbage can lids, I thought of Chicago and Rent how they became movies. Then I began to think about my own performances when I went to college to study Music Performance.

Thoughts of Phantom of the Opera crossed my mind along with multiple songs in different languages such as Italian.  I remember one specifically that took me a long time to get right.  My vocal teacher had to tell me over and over, "Let go. Just let go."  Sometimes we would have to stop a lesson.  I would be asked what was wrong or what was on my mind.  Once everything was clear, I was able to open up my soul to express the genuine feeling of the piece I was singing.

As I laid in the water to listen to the empty sound, my head seemed to clear a bit for just that moment.  Every worry or stress was gone.  There was no fear or concern for school, for work, for new venues that I was currently attempting.  There was complete and utter release. Want to know the ironic part?  I fear the potential of drowning.  I had to chuckle there for a moment because something that can bring me such peace also takes it away.

I think back to other things I have let go of in my life.  These days I have trusted my gut and  jumped into the deep end.  If I survived, then I continued to swim.  If I do not survive, then I jump out of the pool and try a different approach or a different deep end.  This reminds me of a summer vacation to visit my cousins.  We went swimming during that visit.  I was challenged by my oldest cousin to jump or dive off the high dive.  I remember climbing with the fear of the height.  I walked to the edge determined to conquer my fear.  With every ounce of courage my young years had I jumped with courage.  I did not dive, but I jumped heading down, down, down into the water below.  Piercing the water I recall a brief moment of tranquility.

The ability to let go is something that I have noticed takes time, not only in myself but others.  It happens at different times and sometimes gets lost or replaced.  Sometimes letting go, or jumping in the deep end, can lead to treading water for a period of time before the feeling of the water feels right.  Sometimes you get tired of treading water and have to get out.  This week I made a really hard choice......I stopped treading and got out of the pool.

P.S. Know when to stop treading :) Good night.

Realizing "Thanksgiving"

Today is Thanksgiving day.  Most people I know out there are with family and while I am here and alone at the moment.  Some of you may read that and think, "That is sad. You should be with your family and friends."  All hope is not lost.  I will be with my family this weekend.  Call us a little untraditional where birthdays can last a couple days, Christmas lasts two weeks, and Thanksgiving does not get skipped.

Actually Thanksgiving pops up more than once a year.  I am thankful that I still get to talk to my mom whenever I wish.  I remember a scare a couple years ago when she was very ill.  Since it is one of the first times I had ever seen my mom that weak scared me.  I am thankful that she understands me no matter how twisted, confusing, and inside out I am to others.  She is also the only one who understands ALL my other personalities.  Okay, I'm kidding, but some days you have to wonder.  

I am thankful for my sister.  She left her life needing change and I need strength.  I needed someone to catch me when I fell down and show me how to balance.  I would say she is the most stable person I know, but we still have a soft understanding side that may get the best of us.  

Then there is my brother.  Just when you think he is not looking, he is right there in your face and always has your back.  I am thankful for him as well.  It was this summer that he told me his wedding "was just a formality" because he felt married to his wife long before. 

Even though I cannot list everything I am thankful for I will point out a few more things that are worth mentioning.  I am thankful for......
......two friends who show me what it is like to be "a couple."  Friends come first.
......a friend who stays true to herself and does not change for anyone.
......my friends from my childhood because no matter how far apart we are things never change from the time we leave each other until the next time we see each other.
......for inner strength.  After a year and 7 months I am still trying to figure things out that I knew before and begin to trust myself.

Even though it is Thanksgiving, the most forgotten holiday during this time of year, we should all think about these things everyday from the time we wake up to the time we go to sleep.  I wake up each morning appreciating being alive.  I guess when you almost loose things it becomes more apparent how important they are to you.  I wish you all the happiest Thanksgiving today, tomorrow, and all year 'round. :)

I think, Therefore I can

Today I spent an afternoon at a roller derby boot camp.  I will be honest when I say that I am not light on my feet, I lack balance, but the main thing is I do not trust myself.

I know I have trust issues, but until this practice I never realized that I had trust issues with myself.  We were working on stops and the one I was working on at the time was a tomahawk.  In this stop you turn around and stop on your toes with one foot in front of the other.  A lot of my fear had to do with balance, but my feet would end up close together which would actually make me unstable. To have the "teacher" tell me that I need to trust myself felt weird.  I thought I knew all of what my body could or would do.  

So training continues and another Vet tells me the same thing, "Trust yourself.  Your body will stop.  Your body knows what to do."  Really?  Are you kidding me because my kneed right now says otherwise?  I had twisted my kneed a couple weeks earlier and am just waiting for it to go out again and tell me, "Sorry, you can't do thing, but it was fun teasing you about it."

My goal this week is to learn my balance and hopefully develop a trusting relationship with the rest of my body.  "Hello Knee.  I know you are down there and feeling a bit tender, but I need you to catch the rest of the team {my body} when I fall so I can keep going.  I am counting on you because I know how strong you can be."  Silly sounding, huh?  Reminds me of the Little Engine That Could.  I need to remind myself, "I think I can, I think I can."

Trust is not always for or based on other people, although some people do not deserve to be trusted.  These types of people can make a relationship toxic, but trusting yourself should not be this way.  Hopefully by next practice my body will decide to team up and work together because if it doesn't then we are going to have to take a time out for a pep talk. :P

Power of.....Goodbye?

I have read on many occasions that.....

........Some people come into your life as lessons.

.........If you love something/someone let them go and if they return it was meant to be.

I find it interesting how many words of encouragement surround scenarios like the two above.



"Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no...."


There are many different things in this world that inspire us.  Sometimes it is as simple as words of wisdom, while other times it is intoxicating situations that take your breath away.


"You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long...."


When I was younger, growing up was hard, and I had  a tough time accepting me.  I was not going to be popular, I was not going to be the star, I am a bit weird, but I am also very average. In certain situations a person wants to stand out, while in others it would be best to fade in with the rest of the crowd.  Call me the Chameleon since I have learned how to do both. 


"Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress......"


There is strength in recognizing when you need to move on from things.  Every person has times in his/her life where a person must move on no matter how much that person wants to stay put and hope the outcome changes.  I would compare this to the baseball jargon everyone is familiar with: strike one, two, three, you're out.


"There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power 
Than the power of good-bye..."


You step outside your box and try something new even if it comes to a brief end. (Strike one)  If you are lucky enough it comes back and hopefully things have changed enough to remain intact.  Other cases may just be an addiction, a false hope, or a false need.  (Strike two)  So you do not go back.  You pull yourself away knowing that certain events that took place only show you that maybe you are just a pawn.  So far I only struck out twice, but part of me still cares,.....somehow?


"Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye..."


The lyrics you have read are from Madonna's song, "The Power of Good-bye."  I had to say good bye to something this week and even though it is hard I knew I had to do it.  When you feel your true self drifting away or you feel misunderstood it is probably time to step back.  I am hoping this is one of those time where you "....let it go, if it is meant to be it will come back to you" moments, but I have a feeling it was meant to go back for someone else. So I pick up my stumbling self, wipe off my knees, and decide to use a little help.....a walking stick or in this case people around me who care.  After some time passes, what is missed will be recognized and by that time I will be reestablished into some new venture. 

Madonna is right.  You need to learn to say good bye.

The Scary side of Independence

Independence.....
      
    It is the strong feeling of being able to hold your own or being able to do things on your own.

Independence......
     
      It is intimidating to those who are insecure.


I am a very independent person.  I take care of myself, I make sure I have everything I need, and I make sure that I cover my own bum so no one else has to cover it.  Recently I bought a car.  Actually I bought an SUV.  I did the homework on the vehicle to find exactly what I wanted.  I contacted two different dealerships to assist in finding the vehicle I wanted.  Once my vehicle  was found I made sure I received a decent price for the package I was getting.  Yes, I haggled my way through it and I am VERY proud of myself for that because I stood up for what I wanted.  In the end I got my vehicle that I wanted, plus some, and made an incredible impression on the salesman, who yes I will admit was a sweetheart.

One thing accomplished.  My next goal this month was to join the roller derby team.  My first practice ended with a minorly twisted knee, but I know my strength in pain.  Now, as long as the kneed is braced I am fully ready to rumble.  This idea scared me a bit.  People know I am a bit "weird," "crazy," and if not "insane."  This is a step above that where I could actually physically get hurt.  Translation: Be bold, be daring, and do not be scared to jump in the deep end of the pool every once in awhile.

My third accomplishment was to start my own Mary Kay business.  I have liked Mary Kay prior, but always thought it was a traditional pyramid career.  Well, if you listen to the logic it is, but there is more to it than that.  There is opportunity and the concept of working as a team to accomplish goals.  I may not be extremely rich in the next year or two off this, but I know I will enjoy bringing smiles on beautiful colorful faces.

I am proud of my independence.  I have worked hard to have it, to loose it, and to regain it. Part of this is staying true to yourself.  This means that if something needs to be said, you say it and follow through.  For me, the hard part is the follow through.  I have this tendency of going back to the bad.  Let me give you a picture, a bit gross, but dramatic for understanding purposes.  My personality would find a sick animal and try to nurse it to life only to be told over and over that the animal is actually dead.  So I realize this in my mind, but still hope it will come alive so I go back to the animal with the same disappointment as before.  Like I said gross, but you understand.  Being able to walk away knowing the truth is independent.

My list above is intimidating to quite a list of people.  I do not understand why, but it is.  I learned to walk on my own two feet and be proud of it when others do not understand and want to knock me off my knees.  Does my independence scare?  Yes.  Is it meant to? Not really.  I'm just surviving like the next guy and hopefully someday there can be someone by my side who can compete and challenge that independence more than I can myself.

Keep Changing

"The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.  Taking the first step forward is always the hardest, but then each step forward gets easier and easier.  And each each step gets you closer and closer until eventually what had once been invisible starts to be visible.  And what had once felt impossible starts to feel possible."

I read this today as I contemplated shutting down my blog.  I will admit I may not always be the most positive person, but my experiences are not just mine.  Sometimes a person needs to talk or needs someone to understand that, "Hey, I am not alone.  She felt the same way I do."  So to anyone who does not truly know me outside of my words I apologize if your image of me is a pessimistic one.  I am actually a hard worker who sometimes would rather have her mind have more control than her heart.  Yes, I will ONLY admit here that I sometimes care too much and that "Passion" is my middle name.

So I read this and from time to time it is something I think about.  Am I being the person I want to be?  Am I portraying the strength and independence that I want others to have?  I think lately I let a few people down.  To those, I'm sorry. However, a bucket list is a start.

1. I want to travel: Paris, Italy, Ireland,.....ok, those are my top ones.  Actually I want to go to Ireland to catch a leprechaun.  I think it would be fun.

2. I want to write a book.  I am working on a dummy book right now, but the inspiration died along with my Spanish homework. lol Anyone want to do my Spanish for me??? Just kidding.

3. I want to have kids.  I know right now this seems impossible, but even if it is just me does not mean that the word "single" should stop me from my dreams.

So that is a start.  I have more, but those things are a bit smaller like losing weight and trying not to be a hypocrite.  There is always something more to be done for a person to improve.  It is one of those, "Never stop learning" moments.  :)

........again, are you sure you do not want to do my Spanish homework. lol