Progression? Development? Advancement? Stalemate.

Tonight someone made a comment that was puzzling in comparison to my experience.  The comment was perceived as though a person needs another person (a relationship) in order to grow or develop. (Takes a moment of silence.....maybe an additional moment for the crickets to stop chirping.)  So let me get this straight.  In order for me evolve I need another person?

I am perplexed at the undefined.  Then there is the question of wants, needs, or desires.  Let's slim this down shall we?

In this context, "relationship" was used in reference to "significant other" and the whole plethora of thesaurical labels that assimilate to the phrase, when in actuality, "relationship" is how two things relate. (Yes, you can smack your forehead now in the "a-duh" moment.)  So does this mean a single person lacks progression? (This is about the time I would walk away from a person shaking my head at the pure ignorance.) NO!  I am single and yet I think I have progressed much further than many individuals I have encountered.  Hell, in the last five years alone I do not think I could even begin to describe the meaning of progression to most.  Progression and development result from a craving of desiring more knowledge complimented with curiosity.  I cannot help that I want to know everything.  I am greedy in that way and damn proud of it, but does that mean I need a romantic relationship?

Now if we redefine "relationship" in the sense that I may need a "partner in crime," then I can see in some situations a "relationship" is needed for progression.  For example, I went skydiving.  Some people are scared of heights, so maybe they participate in a tandem jump to face their fears.  The relationship of the two people for the tandem jump (student/instructor) is one that provides progression for at least one of the two parties involved.

Unfortunately, I am still uneasy about the whole thing. Why?  Progression always starts with the self.  A person will not evolve if the individual does not want to.  A person will not progress if the individual does not feel the need.  A person will become an ignorant fool if a person does not have one of the aforementioned......oops!  Seems my opinionated self stepped in.  

Stalemating is completely frustrating to me.  I see or meet people who say they would not change anything in their lives.  I have had a handful of dates who proclaim their lives are exactly the way they want them, they just need a woman to "fit" into that life.  (knocks on your forehead) Excuse me?  Anyone home?  I am NOT some little woman to FIT into your life.  I am NOT going to just sit tight and make you a damn sandwich.  You have two legs, two hands, and God pray tell half a brain to make your own damn sandwich.  

Enough of my rant.  I think that part of a lack in progression is fear where people tend to curl up in the norm, which is safe.  Personally, I have a hard time understanding safe in this form.  It just lacks excitement.  ;-)

Mind Control

Do you have a mind like mine?

Onethatstartstalkingtothepointyoucan'tunderstandwhatitissayinganditevendoesitinaccentstothepointwheretotalktoyourselfoutloudwithagigglebecauseitisfunnyyouaretalkingoutloudtoyourselfinanaccentandthenyourealizethatthetwopartsofyouinteractingareoronsforlaughingatyourselffor talkingtoyourselfintheaccentthatyouwanttojustslapthemandyouthink"Great,nowIhavebecomethethreestoogesinmyheadthatinteractwiththeoutsideofmyheadandthatoldladyislookingatmefunnywhilemyeyesmovesidetosidebecauseIamactuallytalkingtomyselfbothinsideandoutsidemyheadtryingtograsponetrainofthoughtandIcannotmakethisstop..."

That is only a portion of my madness, the part I allow you, the reader, to potentially understand because for the last couple weeks I cannot get any of that to shut off.  Not even a portion of it and it drives me insane to the point where I disappear from the world.  I stick music in my head, which somehow seems to calm the madness with its beats in order for me to find type of control.  Well, I think I found some, as I surface a bit.

I realize I am mad, as in angry, and the only way to deal with it or spread it, because that would be wrong, is to lock it up in a cage.  I contain this huge entity that I have taught to just sit there inside me to dwell without allowing it to be let lose.  I have not had the time for a proper release.  Between school and work I lost myself (partially because many have told me how worthless all my hard work for my graduate degree is and I will amount to nothing).

I lost myself to the thoughts of how hypocritical society is in that being a liar and sleeping with your boss is somehow rewarded with promotions, religion teaches the value of humanity yet members seem to forget their human imperfections in critiquing others, or politics somehow becomes the acceptance of murder.  I kept quiet too long, obviously.  I, figuratively, rolled around in this pile of shit for some time now, so it must be understandable when all I want to do is sit on the sidewalk with my legs curled up to my chest to watch people pass me knowing very well they are missing the bigger picture.

With all this bullocks on the mind I cannot help, but dream, everyday, of flying.  I am not talking about flying with wings or even in an airplane, but the soaring that unfortunately only last mere moments when you jump off a waterfall or skydive.  I find my mind leaving my body (and having a tough time returning) when it is soaring with the wind, doing back flips in the air only to land on the droplets of clouds to surf in the breeze passed the birds, passed the mountain tops, and into the sunset. I cannot do it though.  

So what do I do?

Any of you seen the movie Stranger Than Fiction  with Will Ferrell?  In the movie the author tries desperately to imagine different ways to die.  Lately, after all the flying, my mind tries to figure out some new death defying experience because in my mind I am completely and utterly immortal.  I cannot die.  My life won't let me!  I just cannot feel anything.

I do not have all the answers and am probably not the most sane person alive.  My grasp on life is tattered, mutilated, and an elaborate illusion that I have found to be greatly misunderstood considering many of you will not understand the run-on thought (s) above.  I'm okay with that though.  I cannot control everything, which maddens me in itself (along with everything).  Maybe the best way to handle this is to somehow figure out how to save myself from myself like I have been doing for most of my life,  I mean, I had to have lasted this far for a reason, right?...Oh yeah, it's because I'm immortal.  Silly me! ;)


This is how I feel when I fly:

Linkin Park "Somewhere I Belong"

(When this began),
I had nothing to say 
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find/that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel.(nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own.

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (Erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find That it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me.
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long(erase all the pain 'till it's gone.)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong


I will never know
myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away,
And find myself today

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain til it's gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong.

I want to heal.
I want to feel like I'm,

Somewhere I belong, Somewhere I belong.