The Purest of Loves is in Innocence

This week has been hard for me as I realize the cost of mistakes.  My mistake in trusting the wrong person cost me two things I love the most in the world: my dogs.  I know many people would say that 'Well, it is only a dog.  It is not a person,' but what those people do not understand is that like a humans, pets have their own personalities also and realize things that we probably cannot fathom. Hell, I can only imagine the secrets my dogs could have told you.

I think back if I had not screwed up I would not be where I am in my life and would have been able to care for my dogs.  Recently I had to let go of my dog Charlie because I could not care for him financially and if I did make up the finances I did not have the proper time for him.  So I made the hardest decision of my life and let him go knowing this is better for him even if it does not feel better for me.

For the past few days, I have cried and slept out of pure depression that something is missing from my life. I do not feel whole.  Actually, I have to laugh as I have become a dog stalker. :P I watch the humane society's website, waiting for his picture to disappear so I know that he has found a home.  I felt that I abandoned him as he had been returned to a shelter before I adopted him and when I needed him, he tried to protect me from being physically abused by my ex and this is how I repay him?  No, this is how I repay him by giving him the opportunity to live with a family that can better care for him.




Charlie (Click on the link to see full profile)

While dog stalking, I found his profile one day noticing that an actual picture got posted.  Still feeling regretful for what I did, I noticed he was smiling, a genuine smile I had come very accustom to seeing on a daily basis.  I still watch over him from afar learning a little bit each day what true love is.

True love is innocent and pure.  It is not complicated and feels right as if it is perfect just the way it is in all its imperfections.  I am not saying there is not going to be complications along the journey and I am not going to say there is not going to be bumps and bruises from the battles, but it is something that is strong enough to withstand the storm.  Now I may know this in my head, but that does not make it any easier for me to accept from the people who are coming into my life.  I caution my trust and walk the fine line to 'expect the worst and pray for the best,' which I have learned may keep these new people at arms length while prohibiting me from experiencing something I deserve as well.  

So I come to the conclusion that love is actually simple.  Charlie was the simplest thing in my life, yet complicated in that I had to find the proper time for him.  I still love him dearly and pray someone, somewhere will be able to love this simply innocent animal as well.

Not Feeling the Love on Valentine's Day

For the next few hours people, mainly couples, are enjoying the idea love, which is the main focus of Valentine's Day.  Many of you who know me personally know that I do not like this holiday because to me it is setting up an obligation to say 'I love you.'  What about the other 364 days of the year? Do you not love me during those days? Not to mention the stereotypical thought of the man getting his wife or girlfriend something sweet like candy or jewelry.

Let's think about this a bit. Couples are now redefined so the stereotype should no longer exist, yet how many times do we hear about the wife or girlfriend getting the man something for Valentine's Day?  Not to mention society includes same-sex couples, leaving the stereotype thought completely diminished.

Do I need to mention the candy and jewelry?  We will start with the candy thought.  Yes, candy is nice and sweet and for interpretation sake translates to "...it was cheap at Walmart, but I know you like the caramel filled ones." (enter eye roll here).  Personally, I do not mind candy so much because of 'the thought that counts.'  However, it if February, two months into the new year directly after everyone, especially women, have made New Year's Resolutions to lose weight.  Now is that something you want to deal with when you give candy?  I guess I would not, but then again I would hope the other person is smart enough to know that I do not want candy. Jewelry is also typical because of the 'ooooo, shiny' affect it has on people.  Again, all thought and no substance even though I would not necessarily turn it down as I do like to accessorize with jewelry. (I did receive two very thoughtful pieces of jewelry recently that matched my personality and were not generic pieces.  That personal touch gives the piece meaning, which makes it important to me)

Flowers.  Think of the billions of dollars that are spent on flowers, specifically red roses, each year during Valentine's Day, not to mention how much the price is increased for demand.  This is stereotypical also.  Again, I would not turn it down, but I would not appreciate it as much because it is expected.  Now receiving dead roses, that is not expected, but nor is it appreciated. (Yes, that was sarcastic)

I guess my main problem is the obligation of an emotion that society throws around as a meaningless phrase.  People say 'I love you' everyday, but their actions do not reflect this as maybe there is abuse, infidelity, or maybe after all these years the spark is missing.  When I tell a person I love them, it is because I genuinely love that person and not because some significant title required me to say it.  I want the person who is going to love me 365 days of the year and not just one.  I want the person who is going to love me because that person truly has that feeling towards me and not because everyone around that person expected it to be said.  I also do not want Valentine's Day to be just about couples...you know, the ones that get all mushy making the rest of us want to gag.

I am not saying I would not appreciate the sentiment on Valentine's either.  I remember once in high school, a time where I was never coupled up, where I received flowers from my closest friends while they received them from their boyfriends at the time.  That is true love.  I have also received a mint and the specified Coke Zero used to put a smile on my face after a bad day.  That is true love. Actual true love is the thought beyond the stereotype, something personal. For me? Grab me a good book, a journal to write in, and a cup of coffee and I am on cloud nine ;)

To my true friends and family....I will never stop saying it, I love you all very much. And for shits and giggles :P HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.  

Simple choices, Complex paths

This week on Facebook I wrote a sentence to see what kind of reaction I would get from people or even provoke a bit of thought.  The sentence was, 'The choice is simple, it's actually making the choice that is complicated' to which I asked if people agreed or not.  Now guaranteed not everyone pays attention to Facebook posts by specific people let alone ones that actually make you think, but if anything I learned why my friends are my friends.  It is simple, they see the world the way I see it.

I will admit that I am comforted by this thought that in my own train of thought I do not ride alone, but I also realized that in a specific aspect of my life I am a hypocrite.  I wrote the sentence after helping a friend make a decision one day thinking that this is what I practiced, I make a choice and move on.  The choice could be simple like 'should I have cereal for breakfast or a banana?' The choice is simple, but what if I made the wrong choice?  What if in choosing the banana I end up choking? It is that specific thought that prohibits easy answers.

So I learned that sometimes a choice is based on a feeling like, 'Everyone hates that co-worker even though I get along with that person, do I still keep this person as a friend or not?'  In this case, following one's intuition can be beneficial and true desire shown through from the subconscious.  One my friend recently went through was 'There is this job I want, but I do not feel qualified even though another guy I know is less qualified than me and has already had a position higher than this one.'  My advice?  Either you want it or you don't.  If you really want it that bad and you think you are better than the next person then project this even if it is not in black and white on a piece of paper. (Yes, I know paper/certifications/diplomas rule the world).  If you do not want the job that bad then do not apply. 'But I do not feel qualified.'  You see that is beyond the point here.  You never know unless you try and if you do not try you will never know or get any further than where you were before.  So there he sat, watching a guy with no qualifications in the area of the position steal the job. Wanna kick yourself yet?

I could probably go on for awhile on that issue with the job, but I think back individuals who are in the Olympics or who are head of corporations.  How do you think they got there?  These people chose to try whether fail or succeed by their own personal definition, but at least they knew where they stood should improvement need to be applied.

So why does this all make me a hypocrite? Because I have, what I am calling these days, Pandora's box. For those of you who do not know the myth, it is about two brothers, Epimetheus and Prometheus.  Prometheus had disobeyed Zeus and was tied to a rock, but Zeus felt bad that he left Epimetheus without a companion, so Zeus had Hephaestus make a woman out of clay for Epimetheus to marry.  As a wedding gift, they were given a locked gift that most people have come to know specifically as a box even though the myth does not always specifically state this.  On the box was a sign that said, 'DO NOT OPEN.'  Now we have all joked about 'curiosity killing the cat' and we all know that not knowing something can be aggravating, which is what happened to Pandora.  Her curiosity got the best of her and she opened the box.

Now as I write this I begin to realize, like many others who are familiar with the label 'Pandora's Box', that I forgot a part of the myth. Pandora opens the box, allowing all the evil in the world to be set free except one little bug who turns to Pandora before leaving and says, 'Thank you.'  That little bug was Hope.  I had forgotten that at the bottom of every evil box is hope.  My own personal Pandora's Box is filled with evil, evil that that has prevented me from moving on from certain situations in my life.  A few years ago I had the choice to destroy the contents of this box, but instead I chose to 'move on' still holding onto my past with the idea that it reminded me of the lessons I have learned.  Something I recently learned is that I may have moved on without letting go.

You see, this box represents all the dreams I had and how I allowed one person to rob me of those dreams.  I lost Hope.  So the only thing left to do is go find her.

I choose hope.

Dear Pandora,
I am returning your box, empty, but full of hope.......