Memorable events

Tonight while I was working I was thinking of a certain person and wondering how this person would want to get to know difficult me.  This person did something for me, which I doubt the person knows, that actually meant something to me.

My thoughts started with the book "A Walk To Remember'' by Nicholas Sparks that was published in 1992.  It was then turned into a movie in 2002 starring Mandy Moore as Jamie Sullivan and Shane West as Landon Carter.  For this entry the storyline is not really that important, but for those of you who have seen the movie there is a moment when Jamie confesses her list of ambitions i.e get a tattoo, be in two places at once, befriend someone you don't like, etc.  In the movie Landon and Jamie eventually fall in love and Landon helps her fulfill things on her list.  The one moment that sticks out is when Landon has Jamie straddle the state line, thus being in two places at once.

I had a moment like this with the boyfriend of a friend of mine from college.  Compared to the current situation, he had wanted to get to know me and brought me out the the corner where Iowa meets Minnesota meets South Dakota.  We sat there at the irony of being in multiple places and began to talk.  I may have lost touch with this guy, but that day and that moment meant more to me than a lot of things in my life.  Why?  Because I felt special.  I felt for that time I was number one to someone and the focus was on me.

The other day I went for a walk with someone who, I will admit, knew more history than I really cared to know.  I'm not saying it was interesting and I think that is because this person reminded me of a high school teacher who also was passionate about history.  This person told me about the history of an old hotel in town that I had been admiring for some time, usually when I went for walks during my break at work.  It is an older building that is so classy and sophisticated that every time I walk by it I lose my breathe.  I loved looking in the windows and imagine that I was some upper class woman, rich, sexy, and gorgeous.  Of course I would have the big tent dress and huge hat in my imagination, but it was all a dream.  It was a fantasy compared to the visual effects of Leonardo Di Caprio in "Titanic" even though it was not exactly the same.  

I did not know that anyone could actually enter this building until recently.  Now you can't explore every nook and cranny, but to see even the slightest piece of my imagination come true left me gasping for air that moment.  I think my favorite two spots were the entry and the ballroom.  I remember visiting my aunt in Philly where she gave my family tours of old buildings like this one.  The ballroom was my favorite of the everything I had seen because it reminded me of the cartoon movie "Anastasia."  Even though the ballroom was not as big as it was in the movie, it still contained elements I could only dream about. 

As I write this I try to figure out why moments like these would mean so much since there is so little to them.  In the second memory I doubt the person actually knows what he/she did.  It's hard to touch someone's heart and pay attention that closely to a person.  I would like to go back to the hotel one of these nights and just sit.  I want my imagination to stretch beyond the outer walls and see where and when I land.  Guess I have always been a little greedy when it comes to wanting more to improve myself or another. :)

Addictions

This is something I felt I needed to talk about.  For those of you who know me personally, you know I have two jobs.  I work one during the day and one at night.  This Friday I went to a Christmas party leaving me to fulfill my night job requirements during the weekend.  I helped my sister clean a building that deals with addictions, more recognized ones like alcohol or drugs. After cleaning for longer than I really wanted to, I became a bit goofy.  I made up a little conversation with myself (me, myself, and I). I had the addiction, me was the therapist, leaving myself as the sponsor.  It was actually funny in a twisted way.  I had thought up being addicted to paper towels and porn, that I don't actually own.  So if you are sarcastic enough you will understand the irony in that statement.

Later after all the work was done,  I started to think about what has happened over the past year and how lucky I am for all I have.  I started to think about the people in my life, also. I have friends, most of which live at least 3 hours away and mean more to me than my own life.  I have co-workers who are starting to hold a place in my heart which makes me afraid.  When you become close to someone it means they could potentially hurt you worse than someone who doesn't know you.  This leaves me with people who just happen to pass through my life.  My feelings for or caring for someone who doesn't feel the same way towards me is my addiction.

Long ago in high school I had my first love.  We all have one, but mine never loved me back at least in the way I loved him.  Since I have known him I have continued to play the role of 'Duckie' and slide by with proximity in my back pocket.  I realize after everything that has recently happened I am doing the same thing again.  The guy from high school I am still friends with and even though he won't openly and bluntly say it I know that if I ever disappeared it would hurt him just a little bit.  The new person in my life that leaves me with this same addiction may never know if I am here nor there.  Sometimes I just want to tell this person everything funny, everything serious, everything period.  Unfortunately, I wish this person wanted to know me as much as I wanted to get to know this specific person.  

I can't help, but wonder what I look like through this person's eye.  My mind know the effect of this person, but a part of me hopes that I would be looked at differently.  I want to be seen by this person as more than what I am.  I'm not hot or extremely sexy, but I am average.  I am so average I am at the top of the average list. Yes, that had a bit of sarcasm.  My sense of humor is, however, not average.  I stop to smell the roses, I turn a picture up-side-down, wear my clothes inside-out, and dance in the rain.  I may be average and the 'specific' person may never really see me as more than average, but for me...I am the only one who can be extremely me.


I am and always will be...a Duck-man........................

Magic......bringing out the best in people.

 This passed week a friend told me something that made me think a bit.  She told me that '[I] bring out the best in people.'  At first I didn't think much about it, until I tried to figure out if it was just something to say to be nice to someone.  So, I asked her today to confirm if it was something she just said or if she truly believed it.  The answer I got was realistically unexpected. 

I kept reading the text my friend sent trying to concrete the words into my head and believe them.  It lead to a thought that even in a world today everything should be positive until proven crap.  I believe people these days are missing what life really has to offer us.  I will admit that I am and forever will me the most eternal cynical optimist you will find.  I believe that everything has magic and can inspire you  for more than the life that is in front of you.

Most of you are going to read this and think I am nuts.  Let me just tell you that you are talking to a woman who believes in the possibility of Santa Claus, believes that dreams do come true, and that somewhere there was a fairytale thus someone had to write the story. I believe that Never-Neverland exists, but not in the way we see it with Peter Pan. I believe in a color profound world like in the movie, 'What Dreams May Come.'  I believe in a love so pure that your chest beats so fast you feel like you will fly or burst within time of less than a second.

My wish for this Christmas not only for me, but anyone who reads this is that you look at your holiday decorations and let them take you to the happiest moment of your life.  Remember a time when reality really did not exist and all the responsibilities of an adult were the furthest thing from your mind.  I wish for you to see the world though my eyes, my almost child-like innocence that believes there is more than what meets the eye. 

Happy Holidays everyone whichever holiday you celebrate this time of year. :)

*Life is perfect until proven crap*-Inspired by DC