I recently read an article by Alexia LaFata called If You're Friends First, Then You're More Likely To Have A Successful Relationship that discusses the giving of one's self to another and I am not talking in reference to intercourse. I am talking about allowing another person to know everything about you like where you came from, what you have done in your life until that moment, and the things that make you the craziest person the individual is ever going to meet. For me, it is the last option that troubles me.
Admittedly, like any other person, I have had my share of trials and tribulations (ah hell I'm still sailing that ship), but I have succeeded to keep my infamous 'wall' up in fear. You see, humans are animals of habit and after X amount of years of doing things on my own it is hard to allow someone else to offer up their arms to catch me if I fall. When I needed help financially I found a way to do things myself because I did not want to be in debt to anyone. When it came to making hard decisions I may consult with close friends, but ultimately I had a habit of taking the hardest task and finding a way to survive it. I probably could name a few more details here and there, but at one point in my life things were secure and somehow I lost control.
So after building this mental strength I began to think that 'if I do it myself, I am not in debt to anyone and if I fail it is my fault and no one else's.' Makes sense, right?
It is at this point that I appreciate that you can never stop learning no matter your age knowing that everything you knew before has loopholes or tangents off into another direction you were not completely prepared. I will admit that there have been people whom I wanted to share information with, whom I wanted tell everything about myself to, or that I just wanted to verbally vomit/pour myself out to although some things got in the way and prevented that one proverbial brick to be moved. Some instances the individual did not listen because what that person had to share was more important. Other times I may have shared enough that it was like a terribly loaded gun and backfired on me. What inevitably happens is pain and no one likes pain. Some people can deal with it while others get stabbed to the extreme that it is hard to let go of what little you can control.
Some of what holds a sense of security is the value of life. To me, when the other person becomes more valuable than your own life there is the creation of a risk to have that 'wall' fall, but if that security is not returned it is hard to let go. It is like the safety net at the circus for the trapeze artists, if the net is not secure there is no performance, there is no room for error should you need to let go and be caught. So how do we determine the 'net' is secure? Well, that is a personal standard. I, for instance, am not one to respond to a look on a person's face that says, 'Yeah? Ok. Cool. Say did you know that I...' So much for listening, huh?
It is tough to allow a guest inside in hopes that person will stay, but we try over and over again. I will only admit it here, but as much as I try to stay completely closed I still have to peek over the wall. I also try to be the person I want in my life whether it is through a random card sent in the mail as a 'hug' when there are miles that separate two people, the surprise of waiting at a vehicle with a Coke and mint to initiate a caring conversation, or any other random act that says,'I know you needed this and because it matters to you, it matters to me.' Making the things that are relevant to others significant to you is the path to the 'wall,'...where a door can be made to let you in.:D
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