Today I think about all the choices I have made in the last year. Did I go left when I should have gone right? Did I stay when I should have left? When I let my guard down should I have locked up? It is choices like these that everyone is required to make on a daily basis and somehow I wonder if I made a mistake on something.
I have pursued some things in my life that I am proud of these days. Going back to school has been my pride and joy, but now it is time to write my story. A beginning, middle, and end that people will understand and thirst for more. The story, however, never ends. It continues through time and space raising questions and concerns that never truly get answers. It's a story of a hero, a tale of independence, and a journey filled with fear.
That is right, I said fear. With as much strength as a person can have, fear can still reside inside in a secret chamber. You can try to face your fears, but because of a questioning nature the feeling may never disappear. Ok, I'll be honest here.
The honest truth is that I count time, I recognize dates, and I do not acknowledge them for what they are, but what they were. Some days time stands still or so if feels like until I see the clock that hours, minutes, and seconds that have passed. It is like waking up from a dream and feeling disoriented. Lately the confusion is great, but it still leaves breadcrumbs for me to follow. I do not know where the crumbs lead, but I chose to follow them. (Hansel and Gretal)
Eventually the crumbs disappear and I am left standing here vulnerable with my heart open because I am scared to move. I know someone out there is proud of me because I was able to allow this vlnerability, but after things have changed I feel it is time to close up again. I should not have allowed this to take place and I fight with myself trying to figure out if this is a mistake. Can I go backwards from here before the changes were set into play? Why did the changes take place anyway? I cannot know this one because it is the other person's doing.
I knew where I stood, but this person questioned it. I was questioned bout motive allowing myself to be completely honest and now I wish to hate. I want to hate so I can return to safety, but it feels like swimming in the ocean to an island. With every paddle with every kick it feels like you are not moving if not moving in the opposite desired direction. So what do I do now? Do I stay around like I used to in hopes what may never happen actually takes place? Do I leave and pray to God that my heart hardens with hatred as a coat of armor? or.......do I continue to sit here pretending time is not passing me by?
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