I wanted to find something to write about that if you read it you would think I had some really high IQ or something. And if you just read that sentence you would be thinking, 'umm....yeah?' I tried reading some others people's blogs, but most are about families or haven't been touched for months. I have to laugh and wonder 'Hey, where did you go? I was just getting to know you and you left me.' It's almost as if I had a bad date or something.
So tomorrow I have a date. I am looking forward to it because I like the guy even though we are totally opposite. I am music, he is sports. I like Disney movies, he likes old westerns (yes, all the way back to John Wayne and his damsel In distress--I used to pronounce it Damsel in Dis Dress, it sounded funny).
To me it is interesting how different woman and men are. I live in the central part of the U.S. and it seems men don't care too much about their looks compared to if they were on the coastlines. I live in farm country where the only thing to really impress in maybe a cow or a field of something or other.
Anyway, not that long ago I got my hair cut because it felt awful and looked awful to me. Now I have my license in cosmetology and know that most guys here cut their hair for comfort: longer hair in the winter to keep warm and shorter in the summer to keep cool. Soon after I also colored my hair. My normal color is a dirty mousey looking blonde and I like more of a reddish color. It makes me feel more: more vivacious, more independent, sexier, and stronger. I have recently started putting on makeup a bit more often for the same exact reason. I got asked why I was wasting so much time changing who I was, when actually I wasn't changing at all. I explained to this person that sometimes I would like to feel better about myself, I want to have the feeling that I am that 'more' factor that I crave to be (sounds like a chocolate craving), but the fact is that I wasn't doing this to impress someone other than me.
I see teenagers today trying to be what they are not. I understand they are trying to find themselves because I have been there, but sometimes it is interesting to see to what lengths they will go to find what they need. I have, however, been seeing more girls trying to be something they are not to impress a guy. Let me just say that if I knew back then what I know now, I think my life would be a bit different. Maybe I would be a bit stronger instead of skeptic about if I am ever 'good enough' in what I do or who I am. I was so used to being the fat girl and I think this label may have taken over me sometimes.
I'm not really obsessed about stuff like that, but I still like to be MY best. If that means a little hair color and makeup, then so be it.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
A moment of pleasure is a life time of pain
I had a bad day today. Yes, I know everyone has them and they stink (I would use a different word, but I don't feel like offending anyone ELSE today). It is hard to start a day bad and realize that you actually have to finish the day no matter how bad it gets. It's like taking a dreaded never-ending travel knowing that in the end there is nothing there waiting for you. I hate bad days....period.
The day didn't start right, it didn't end right, and everything in the middle was a blur. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and just disappear. This feeling is starting to feel a bit familiar lately. Let me explain a bit. When I was in seventh grade I saw a show about self-mutilation. It was interesting and I couldn't understand what that was all about. So, I tried it. Yes, I physically took a knife to my wrist and cut. The first one wasn't real deep, but as time progressed I started to tear away at more skin layers. I know at some point in time things had gotten so bad that I would be cutting everyday.
I know this is serious and a bit hard to grasp. I also know this is now in the public, but it is serious and needs to be known and talked about. I remember getting so deep at one point that I covered it with a watch because at that time my Mom did not know what I was doing to myself. The cut became infected and turned green like it was getting moldy.
As much as I hate to say it this went on for some time through a course of therapy and even pills. Different places on my body were tried and at one point I had some weird mindset that I could perform liposuction on myself. It was a hard time in my life and I didn't know how to deal with it or even how to talk and explain to someone that I hurt inside.
Life does get better even though sometimes it doesn't seem worth living. I still have things I want to do like travel to Paris and I don't know if I am actually ready to give up on that yet. I want to get married and have kids because I want to show someone a better world even it is real or not.
In case you are wondering I have not cut for about four years now. I still get the urge every once in awhile just like an ex-smoker craves a cigarette, but I have a bit more will power telling I don't need to feel this type of pain. I believe anyone can get through something like this, but sometimes it takes a bit of a push and then some muscle. With the good comes the bad...you just need to figure out how you can deal with it and move on.
The day didn't start right, it didn't end right, and everything in the middle was a blur. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and just disappear. This feeling is starting to feel a bit familiar lately. Let me explain a bit. When I was in seventh grade I saw a show about self-mutilation. It was interesting and I couldn't understand what that was all about. So, I tried it. Yes, I physically took a knife to my wrist and cut. The first one wasn't real deep, but as time progressed I started to tear away at more skin layers. I know at some point in time things had gotten so bad that I would be cutting everyday.
I know this is serious and a bit hard to grasp. I also know this is now in the public, but it is serious and needs to be known and talked about. I remember getting so deep at one point that I covered it with a watch because at that time my Mom did not know what I was doing to myself. The cut became infected and turned green like it was getting moldy.
As much as I hate to say it this went on for some time through a course of therapy and even pills. Different places on my body were tried and at one point I had some weird mindset that I could perform liposuction on myself. It was a hard time in my life and I didn't know how to deal with it or even how to talk and explain to someone that I hurt inside.
Life does get better even though sometimes it doesn't seem worth living. I still have things I want to do like travel to Paris and I don't know if I am actually ready to give up on that yet. I want to get married and have kids because I want to show someone a better world even it is real or not.
In case you are wondering I have not cut for about four years now. I still get the urge every once in awhile just like an ex-smoker craves a cigarette, but I have a bit more will power telling I don't need to feel this type of pain. I believe anyone can get through something like this, but sometimes it takes a bit of a push and then some muscle. With the good comes the bad...you just need to figure out how you can deal with it and move on.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
What's love got to do with it?
There are so many sayings, songs, and lately books on love or romance. Most common saying would be "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." by St. Augustine. I don't agree with this. If you think about it how many times have you fallen in love? Now think about the love that eventually ended? It hurt didn't it, so why would you want to hurt? It's like self-mutilation, but from the inside out.
I know some will not agree because with each person they may have loved they learned something new about themselves, but I feel that it doesn't take love to learn about yourself. I found this quote, "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition." by Alexander Smith. I would say I more agree with this. How do you know what you are or what you could be OR what completes you without love? Let me give an example. When I was 18 I cut off most contact with one of my family members because I did not feel that I deserved to be emotionally and psychologically abused to tears. (this took place over the course from age 7 to 18). This person assumed that I was something that I was not thus leading to and end to a relationship.
Now I was young and really loved this person, but I had learned over time that I needed to love myself more or I would completely self-destruct. Now because of someone else in my life, a new love, I have strength to pursue this old love. Yes, it is a cautious step by step deal, but at least time I have someone who is going to hold my hand through it. I TRUST that this person would not allow anything to happen to me whether done by someone else or myself.
I may only be a little over a quarter century old, but that doesn't mean I stop learning. Love is about passion, passion for the love of your life, what they do, who they are, or even what they love. In return they should give you the same love back. I may not LOVE basketball, but I love that he loves it and how it IS something we can share together.
I picked the title of a song sung by Tina Turner not only because it is a good song, but it does hold a lot of truth. Think back to what you do in your life probably more specifically the stuff you like to ....now....what's love got to do with it?
I know some will not agree because with each person they may have loved they learned something new about themselves, but I feel that it doesn't take love to learn about yourself. I found this quote, "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition." by Alexander Smith. I would say I more agree with this. How do you know what you are or what you could be OR what completes you without love? Let me give an example. When I was 18 I cut off most contact with one of my family members because I did not feel that I deserved to be emotionally and psychologically abused to tears. (this took place over the course from age 7 to 18). This person assumed that I was something that I was not thus leading to and end to a relationship.
Now I was young and really loved this person, but I had learned over time that I needed to love myself more or I would completely self-destruct. Now because of someone else in my life, a new love, I have strength to pursue this old love. Yes, it is a cautious step by step deal, but at least time I have someone who is going to hold my hand through it. I TRUST that this person would not allow anything to happen to me whether done by someone else or myself.
I may only be a little over a quarter century old, but that doesn't mean I stop learning. Love is about passion, passion for the love of your life, what they do, who they are, or even what they love. In return they should give you the same love back. I may not LOVE basketball, but I love that he loves it and how it IS something we can share together.
I picked the title of a song sung by Tina Turner not only because it is a good song, but it does hold a lot of truth. Think back to what you do in your life probably more specifically the stuff you like to ....now....what's love got to do with it?
Sex.....must I say more?
I'm trying to figure out where to start from here. Usually I am not at a loss for words, but sometimes not knowing which path to take can leave you speechless. Maybe it is the fact that there is actually too much said about sex or even too much done.
In school it is something that you learn specifically learn from your friend and teachers both of which have different views. Your teacher will teach you about all the proper terms and how everything properly or medically go together. From your inexperienced friends (hopefully) you learn a different side almost dirty.
This side is more based on feeling and the pressure to fit in. Sex to me is more of a recreational experience. I would prefer to make love where your emotions build up inside of you and you let go. You release or bare all you have to the person you are with. I know that is something that is hard in this age, but somewhere down the line you have to be responsible and realize that there is more than just biology to this.
In school it is something that you learn specifically learn from your friend and teachers both of which have different views. Your teacher will teach you about all the proper terms and how everything properly or medically go together. From your inexperienced friends (hopefully) you learn a different side almost dirty.
This side is more based on feeling and the pressure to fit in. Sex to me is more of a recreational experience. I would prefer to make love where your emotions build up inside of you and you let go. You release or bare all you have to the person you are with. I know that is something that is hard in this age, but somewhere down the line you have to be responsible and realize that there is more than just biology to this.
Random thoughts intersect...
I started a 5 part blog and somehow got a bit stuck because I have been thinking of other things in life. This may become a bit more on the personal side for me, but that is ok.
When I was younger I was a bit of an outcast in school. I remember one time, my senior year, I got flowers for Valentine's Day from my small group of friends. My locker was next to what society would call 'a dumb popular jock.' (keep in mind this is the nicest thing I can say about him and most of his friends). I remember a friend of mine giving him a mouth full because he had muttered that I had sent the flowers to myself.
I recently found this guy on Facebook. I was not surprised that he, being the close-minded jerk I remember from highschool, is pictured with a tall, skinny, blonde lady who it seems to be safe to assume he has a relationship with. He actually reminds me of my cousin, who just had a baby, in the fact that I can't believe someone would be so desperate to be with him. It is something that steams me up, a lot.
*********************************************************************************
In order to stay objective and for respect for privacy this blog entry will not be finished. Fortunately it has inspired some thoughts to clear and develop for other pieces that need to be finished.
When I was younger I was a bit of an outcast in school. I remember one time, my senior year, I got flowers for Valentine's Day from my small group of friends. My locker was next to what society would call 'a dumb popular jock.' (keep in mind this is the nicest thing I can say about him and most of his friends). I remember a friend of mine giving him a mouth full because he had muttered that I had sent the flowers to myself.
I recently found this guy on Facebook. I was not surprised that he, being the close-minded jerk I remember from highschool, is pictured with a tall, skinny, blonde lady who it seems to be safe to assume he has a relationship with. He actually reminds me of my cousin, who just had a baby, in the fact that I can't believe someone would be so desperate to be with him. It is something that steams me up, a lot.
*********************************************************************************
In order to stay objective and for respect for privacy this blog entry will not be finished. Fortunately it has inspired some thoughts to clear and develop for other pieces that need to be finished.
Trust in...
This one I would have to say is hard for me. When I was younger I was a bit of an outcast. Part of that is I believed that if I didn't put my trust in anyone then they would not hurt me. Remember those times when you ask someone to keep your secret and they don't? Well, in theory you can avoid those times, but it does leave you a bit lonely.
It might have been a issue back when my parents were about to get a divorce. I had learned in school what 'divorce' was and was scared of it. I remember asking both my parents if they were going to get a divorce. Both said 'no,' but unfortunately as time rolled on it was inevitable.
I am learning that in order to be with someone, anyone you must trust them, and we are not talking just a little bit but wholeheartedly. You also can't love without trust. I wrote an article about trust that someday I can submit it to a woman's magazine. I am hoping that maybe there is someone like me who believes that sometimes the only person you can depend on is yourself, the only person who cannot hurt you is yourself, and if you want something done do it yourself. So, I'm working on all of the above now learning that it is at least part of this thinking that leads to pushing people away or in fact have them appear as if they have let you down.
Sometimes you just have to believe like the justice system does or should: innocent until proven guilty.
It might have been a issue back when my parents were about to get a divorce. I had learned in school what 'divorce' was and was scared of it. I remember asking both my parents if they were going to get a divorce. Both said 'no,' but unfortunately as time rolled on it was inevitable.
I am learning that in order to be with someone, anyone you must trust them, and we are not talking just a little bit but wholeheartedly. You also can't love without trust. I wrote an article about trust that someday I can submit it to a woman's magazine. I am hoping that maybe there is someone like me who believes that sometimes the only person you can depend on is yourself, the only person who cannot hurt you is yourself, and if you want something done do it yourself. So, I'm working on all of the above now learning that it is at least part of this thinking that leads to pushing people away or in fact have them appear as if they have let you down.
Sometimes you just have to believe like the justice system does or should: innocent until proven guilty.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Honesty is the best policy
The next topic is closely related to the last entry. I would say it's like twins, they are so close to being the same, but unfortunately have their own personality. It's honesty.
I go back to a few memories back to my college years at Augustana. I was young and passionate about music specifically performing it. I wanted to belt out the notes to an audience as if to mesmerize or hypnotize them. Unfortunately, with as much practice as I could squeeze in I later found out that be best was done in the shower behind the curtain alone with myself. You probably ask why? Let me tell you.
During my lessons my instructor repeatedly had to tell me to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be naked as if exposing myself to others. This may seem like a simple idea, but it harder than it looks. In today's world you see stars and celebs who open their mouths and think how beautiful that sound is that is pouring out. What you don't understand is that this is them, their personality, this is who they are.
As I continued onward I was not able to expose the real me. I didn't want to know anyone or to have anyone know me because in that time of my life I was terrified of what people would think of me. Tell me, do you think you could stand in the middle of your town or city naked for everyone to see not taking into consideration the law factor? I could not. I was ashamed of who I was and possibly who I was to become and this is what came out in my music as I sang. I may have sang my heart out, but my heart was scared and would have rather hid itself from the rest of the world.
So, we all know that I am not a famous actor, singer, or performer, but I have learned a little more about walking tall and accepting who I TRULY am. Before I could not expose everything that is inside me and as far as singing is concerned I may never be able to tell all. Now writing is different because I can expose myself while hiding behind myself. Why should I be anyone, but me?
I go back to a few memories back to my college years at Augustana. I was young and passionate about music specifically performing it. I wanted to belt out the notes to an audience as if to mesmerize or hypnotize them. Unfortunately, with as much practice as I could squeeze in I later found out that be best was done in the shower behind the curtain alone with myself. You probably ask why? Let me tell you.
During my lessons my instructor repeatedly had to tell me to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be naked as if exposing myself to others. This may seem like a simple idea, but it harder than it looks. In today's world you see stars and celebs who open their mouths and think how beautiful that sound is that is pouring out. What you don't understand is that this is them, their personality, this is who they are.
As I continued onward I was not able to expose the real me. I didn't want to know anyone or to have anyone know me because in that time of my life I was terrified of what people would think of me. Tell me, do you think you could stand in the middle of your town or city naked for everyone to see not taking into consideration the law factor? I could not. I was ashamed of who I was and possibly who I was to become and this is what came out in my music as I sang. I may have sang my heart out, but my heart was scared and would have rather hid itself from the rest of the world.
So, we all know that I am not a famous actor, singer, or performer, but I have learned a little more about walking tall and accepting who I TRULY am. Before I could not expose everything that is inside me and as far as singing is concerned I may never be able to tell all. Now writing is different because I can expose myself while hiding behind myself. Why should I be anyone, but me?
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