Something to Start Off the Homework

So I am having a little bit of trouble straightening out my thoughts for my homework tonight.  I need to write a short short story and I am trying to decide what topic I wanted to write about.  Well, I am a bit blocked and this is just the unblocking. :P


Sometimes I feel gross or even unworthy.  People do not realize how much strength is in a touch, on the hand, on the face, the arm, or maybe lips.  I dream about a touch, something to feel real and whole again.  I see arms around me holding me tight with a head twisting to the right and kissing my neck. I imagine a hand holding mine as they the sweat trickles down from the nerves.  I see his lips and feel them touching mine as I close my eyes melting into him.

Well, now that idea is out of my head and I can hopefully focus.  Sometimes writing is being able to focus on one thing and not one million. :P Good night.

Honesty in its worst form

This week I learned something new.  I learned that as much as I respect, honor, and like honesty I also hate it.  I hid something from someone and finally decided to tell this person my secret.  Part of me feels relieved because it is hard to hide things, especially things that have built up to a very strong degree.  The other part.....

Well, the other part of me feels really stupid.  I feel stupid for the fact that I had this secret and I wanted a particular outcome or closer outcome than what actually happened, but as I have learned a long time ago, "sometimes the things you want to know are the things you really don't want to know."  Still does not change the stupid feeling.

I then feel stupid thinking things would improve.  You ever have that feeling of "not good enough?" Sometimes you have a feeling because it truly exists.  I will say it is healthy to realize it.  It is true that some people are sent into our lives as lesson.  Maybe I'm still learning one.

Then I feel stupid because of the type of secret I held.  Sometimes you emotions try to cancel out your mind, but your mind knows better.  Maybe this is why some people have a hard time making decisions.  The heart stands for one side while the mind stands for another and the only way for both sides to win and remain in peace is to get rid of the subject.  

So what have I learned?  Being honest does not change anything.  It does not change from bad to good or from good to bad.  It gives home where hope wants to give up and say, "I don't care anymore."  I guess if I heard those words I would be more scared.  Without the care and without the peace....it all goes numb.

So with appreciation for honesty...I just don't care anymore.

If I Could be Half of that

This passed weekend I went to a funeral of a person I did not know.  I know that sentence in itself sounds a bit out of place, but I went in support of his mother, a woman I truly admire.  Even though she was the only person I knew closely associated with the deceased, it was, out of all the funerals I have been to, one of the most moving and inspirational.

Watching everyone's reaction in the room was like watching a movie where you are there in the moment, but you are not part of it.  I watched as the woman who had been there for some of my hard times with a simple pat on the back broke down because lying in front of us was her son.  I listened as everyone told his story of his life, his job, his adventures, but mostly who he was as a person.

He was described as being smart beyond his young years, being well-known for things he had developed in his career, and passionate.  For a moment I wondered what people would say at my funeral.  This seems a bit selfish, but this man inspired me to be better, go further, and be more. I may not have known this man, but through his reputation I feel as though I at least got to meet him. 

Unfortunately, I have my faults and I feel as though I have failed already.  I ran from a situation not that long ago because I do not want to get hurt.  It is hard for people to understand this feeling, but when you have been tossed so many times it is easier to run on both legs instead of landing on your knees not being able to go anywhere.

So tonight my fault led me to think of the man from this weekend.  His brother described him as a risk-taker and so far all I have proven is that I am a coward.  However, strength is getting back up, running back, and facing the fear no matter how much it may hurt.  I did get tossed.  I also realize that even though I do not want to waste time on useless things maybe I underestimated the situation.  All I can do right now is pray for the outcome I so desire.

To the son, I want to thank God for sending you into my life through the memories of your family.  I pray that through those memories your family eventually has peace.  I want to thank you for reminding me that some day I hope to be remembered in such a glorious light that you were received in and if at some point you can stop by for a visit....I would greatly appreciate it.


-"Try" by Pink

Inspiration of Revenge

Today one of my best friend inspired me without trying.  I normally do not listen to country music, but I had this one song downloaded on my Amazon cloud so I listened to it.  The song started and I was instantly drawn to it because it is written in a minor cord.  To me it is funny to watch people cross my life.  Most of them march to the same drum of the same band playing a major cord, but I like to add a different step or beat to my drum.  I appreciate it when others show me something new.  I would compare it to the idea of standing up straight while you walk on your feet to deciding to flip upside down and walk on your hands.  I am going to share something in hopes someone will like it.  If not, well then you miss out suckers. Just kidding



       The rain fell hard burning her cheeks as she tried to decipher her tears from the rain drops.  After years of being a prisoner to society she decided to let herself go.  For once her powers would be released out into the open.
        As she kept walking her long jet black hair that had flown in the wind began to settle in weight from all the water it collected from the rain.  Her leather trench coat was ruined all the way to the silk red lining that is stuck to her skin.  As her her black liner and mascara ran down her face she wished things had not ended the way they did.  She told him to leave her for once and for all.  After one lie too many and promises of being there by her side she took it upon herself to pull the strength from within and say, "Jackson, if I had meant that much to you, you would have been the one to start the conversations, you would not have stood me up when you ran to others beck and call.  I'm done."
       After she had said that her eyes turned white with anger.  There was the thought of professional, responsible, and mature, but what about just being.  She tried to block out the memory of Jackson's sadness as she allowed the anger to over power her.  No more holding back and she didn't.  He stuttered in apology with another excuse the same as all the other times.  Still enough is enough and she screamed causing the wind to rise.
         Her tears turned red as she recalled watching Jackson blow away.  Blood dripped down those dark eyes as she grabbed her hair and running her hands through it. Distracted she tripped and fell to the ground in pain.  Sometimes when you think a person is there for life, that person gets swept up in the weather of life to allow you space to decide if you want to waste the time on them that they would rather not spend on you.


Ok, so it is a bit dark, but with every happy thought that needs to be release so do the dark ones.  It is the same as taking the bad along with the good in life so you can appreciate the good times.  I like writing stuff like this because it shows a passionate side of me that is otherwise locked up.  There is really no revenge here, but the song that inspired the writing talks about revenge....or maybe just a clean start.


Reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJgoHgpsb9I

From the Beginning until now

This past week someone inspired me to face something that I am still scared of facing.  During the past year I have tried some new things trying to step out since the year prior to that was a wreck.  So what was I inspired to do?  I was inspired to check out my past to see how strong I have become.  I started with some of the blog entries and then traveled to other  puzzle pieces.

In 2011 I gave up a lot of dreams being forced to make new ones.  As I looked in my past I found another victim only there is a child involved.  Would I love to be able to correct the wrong that is about to happen? Yes, but it is not my responsibility nor should I chase the past. 

I have also found karma to be sweet.  I cannot help, but smile a bit when I look at a person and recall that this person asked for everything in life even if it was forced after a ten year ultimatum.  

This may seem weird to look at things you do not want to remember even though it can help you compare point one to wherever you are now.  I want to thank this person not only for asking, but listening.  I hope someday I can do the same for her.  She gave me a bit of strength and clarity to the new things I am trying now in life.  It is amazing what something so small can affect your life in a big way.

Cheers to the New Year!

This past year, like any, was about lessons.  Lessons in love, friendship, and most of all personal improvement.  I only plan on making one resolution this new year, which is to improve from the last.

Friendship:
I made many new friends this year whom I would not trade for the world.  They are the people I can count on if I need help, trust with my life, have deep conversations about nothing, and the people who love you unconditionally.  I also had to learn the difference between friends and those who are not friendship material.  It is hard lesson or maybe more of an addiction that I still need to improve upon, but it is a work in progress for the new year that I can look forward to.

Work:
Even though I do like my job I need to learn to separate or even take a vacation to re-energize.  Every battery needs to recharge and so do I.  I also want to do more writing beyond my scholastic efforts.  I have found that writing is something more that I need as a release than ever during this end of the year time.  For a month I have not written anything, not even for school.  My head became too full like a glass overflowing.  What happens?  My pen hits the paper and the ink spills over multiple pages.  This is what I call encouragement to eventually write a book.

Religion:
This is still a topic I struggle with, but it is something I want more myself.  During the second part of this year I have learned more and found more friends who examples of the type of people I may need in my life not only as friends, but religious encouragement.  These people, without pushing, urge me to find my own way and strengthen my own path.  I am very thankful, patient, and excited to see where this road takes me.

Personal:
I am still improving many aspects of this area.  What can I say, I'm not perfect yet. ;) Yes, that was sarcastic.  I want more mentally, physically, and more freedom to enjoy the small things.  Maybe I want to acknowledge the things I am missing around me and stop worrying about things that may hurt me.  I learned this year how to jump into the deep end and trust myself more. 

I will say that I may not have accomplished all of my 2012 resolutions even though the ultimate goal is for improvement.  Goal accomplished, now on for the new year.

Please lift your glasses...Cheers to 2013!

P.S. Don't forget to start writing 2013 instead of 2012. LOL

Recommended Reading

This week I read a book that really moved me, motivated me, and brought memories back.  This book was written by a friend of mine named Mickel Millard.  His book is titled "Murder and God's Redeeming Love."

I received my copies of the book in the mail on November 23 and was excited to read it as soon as possible.  In fact my roommate also became interested in the book, so we decided to have a little fun and see who could finish the book first. She beat me because I had to take my time.  Some of the book reminded me of similar experiences I had.

When I first started reading the book I was expecting more of a story.  Yes, there was a story involved, but I would more recommend this book as a devotional or for a church study group.  It describes a story of how a young man found God after a terrible experience of seeing his mother die by the hands of his father in a domestically violent situation. Each chapter starts out with a part of the story, then there is a reflection by the author, and then questions for discussion.  What I like about these questions is that they apply to anyone's life as if to provide food for thought.  

As I went through the book I did highlight some points that stood out to me.  The first one being the verse the author left me inside the cover.  It was Jeremiah 29:11-14.  I did not realize it at first until my mom had pointed out to me that Jeremiah 29:11 is actually our family verse.

     "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to  harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

My mom had picked this out years ago a little after she and dad got a divorce.  She wanted us kids to know that even through bad situations we are strong and that there is more for us to accomplish in our lives than we realize.

The next part that stood out to me is that sometimes divorce is necessary.  When I was younger I was taught that a promise is a promise and divorce was a major sin.  It was this thinking that led me to promise myself that if I ever got married I would not get a divorce.  Unfortunately, in order to save my life from my ex-husband, I had to break that promise.  I felt bad for not keeping my word, but was told by someone I least expected that in this case it was the right thing for me to do.  Reading this in Mickel's book helped assure me that I did do the right thing even if I have to read this line as a reminder.

I continued reading associating very closely to the feelings that were expressed in the writing.  Mickel acknowledges that we desire to be loved, to be cared for, and accepted.  I will admit that through my past I feel these desires quite often.  I am sure that these are feelings that many are confused by these days.  They are desires that are based on trust which is a hard task for society.  I, like many others, have been in situations where you trust someone believing that a person loves you, cares for you, and accepts you.  In this type of situation it may feel wise to just trust yourself, not knowing if you can ever trust another.

One discussion question I would like to share is at the end of Chapter two: "Have you ever given any thought about what it would be like to be all alone and totally isolated without having anyone to love or care for you?" This question can be discussed from a couple different angles.  I can see this being discussed in a church group if someone is feeling lost and needs to accept Christ in their life.  Maybe there is a hole that needs to be filled.  For me, it reminds me of my ex who cut me off from any other human except him and his family.  I know for most this is a situation that is hard to understand or even fathom.  Let me make it simple.  I would compare it to jail.  With all the restrictions, the isolated feeling was a type of jail for me at the time. 

Another question was in Chapter three: "Can you remember a time in your life when you were overcome by guilt?"  I have this feeling every so often.  I knew at one point my ex was not the one, but I kept my vow as long as I could anyway.  The guilt I feel relates to the feeling of stupidity.  I am not "stupid," but the years with my ex were not my brightest years.

Like Mickel, my memories drift back to arguments, the mental abuse, the emotional abuse, the psychological abuse, but most commonly the physical abuse.  I will admit that I did not withstand as much physical pain as others may have, but that does not mean it did not leave an imprint.

Those are just a few things I wanted to share.  I know I did not share much more about the book because I do not want to give too much away.  In this piece I just want to express how nice it is to have someone else understand things that I have been through when others will look the other way because they do not want to be involved.  I want to express how thankful I am that in the last few months there have been many different types of people who have ministered to me and extended a hand. (Reference poem "Footprints in the Sand")  This book has been one example and a new hobby I hope to improve upon: roller derby.  Sometimes it is through the unexpected that we find out way.  

For those of you interested in a book that will lead you to think about or examine your life I would recommend Mickel Millard's book, "Murder and God's Redeeming Love."  You can order this book yourself at http://www.ephraimsgrit.com.  Through this site and their site on Facebook you can keep up with the ministry of Mickel and his wife Marcia about Ephraim's Grit Ministries.  Enjoy!