Hide and Go Seek

I do not know how to tell you this but...

That is usually how it starts when someone has a dirty little secret that they wish not to be told in fear it would ruin a life or some aspect of life that is valued.  Admit it, we all have them, but some of us learn how to suppress them trying to ignore what is truly hidden for as long as we can hoping that someday this tiny little piece of us disappears although it just hovers, existing in time and space.  I will be vulnerable here, since I have become known for this lately by some, and admit that I have a dirty little secret or two or a few more that I would like to keep all to myself.  Some of these secrets have been shared with others while others are just hidden from particular people or a particular person in order to save face so the fear and the intense pain do not effect a situation that is comfortable.

Then there is me, who sometimes happens to be too honest and sadly that can hurt you just as much because at times it is better to be in denial about things you think you want to know when in reality you do not want to know.  I did not want to know because I knew the answer and receiving confirmation solidifies every fear, kills every dream, and leaves a stain trying to figure out where to go from this moment forward. 

At this point a person has to choose to stay or leave and I NEED to leave to save myself.  It is sad especially when you have been acquainted to a certain lifestyle with the realization that it is not working.  Well, I guess I figured out where I need to go from here.

Out of sight, out of time

Just leave me here without a rhyme.

Some things to take or leave behind

I can’t look back, not this time

I’m cold and worn

With no strength anymore

I’ve given up on this

I’ve stained my hands

And since it is time to wipe this clean.

I reached out before to slip away

So now I leave and walk away.

Sometimes there is just less pain that way.

Another Year Gone By...

Today I reflected on the thought that I am soon to be another year older.  Even though I do not feel a day over sixteen or sometimes over twenty-one my body definitely feels the years that I have been alive.

I sometimes rehash the same memories from my younger years or even have the same feelings, but my aging adult outlook has changed from the inexperience I had once.  My eyes may be open wider from lessons I have learned or even mistakes I have made, but my mind stays young with hope.  

As long as I can remember I have and always will hope the best in people no matter how many have scorned me.  I will always have some faith in things I cannot see like God or in some shape or form Santa.  I will always cherish the innocence my eyes see as I appreciate things from my childhood even though many adults will believe I need to 'grow up.'

So for another year to be added to the chapter book of my life I call it appreciation because for once I feel I can call off the troops to relax a bit and instead of blocking people out allowing them to let me inside their lives or their world.  I still wish to travel to countries beyond the extension of my vehicle and I still desire to live in a fantasy world world, but for me ....maybe another year older is not so bad after all.

United..We are because "I Do"

Last night I received some news that I knew had to happen sooner or later, but was nice to hear it from the couple involved. (Congrats to both of you.  I'm so happy for you).  Yes folks, it is the topic of marriage.  It has been here for a long time and I think it is planning to evolved. 

First I want to confront a political issue that has currently sprouted the country at odds: same-sex marriage.  I will be honest and say that I do not see why a same-sex couple cannot get married.  Are they people like the rest of us? Yes.  Do they love each other? Yes.  The only issue is if this is a religious issue or a political one.  

People in our country who are basing their opinion on religion (like relatives of mine) seem to miss that this country is not ruled by the church and if it was we would all have the same religion, but that does not mean the church does not have a choice in honoring a same-sex marriage.  Actually more than likely a same-sex couple will get married/joined together in a courthouse.  Now I do not believe the churches have the authority to govern what goes on in the courthouse.  I know long ago it may have, but our country has evolved and there are certain freedoms that do separate church and state.  I wish people would understand that instead of saying "Stop getting all emotional over it."  Let me cue you in to a few things....

The divorce rate is up higher than ever to at least 52% according the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention which did a survey on marriages verses divorce.  Since same-sex is not legal, where do you think these divorce spawn from?  That is right, unions involving a man and a woman.  Now if a man and a woman understood the privilege of this union do you not think they would fight for that right as those fighting for the same-sex marriage?  To be honest, since the dispute exists I almost think that a same-sex marriage would last longer if not forever compared to the marriage between a man and a woman.  

Today getting married seems like a sport and does not mean anything.  In fact, in my experience it has only proven to be a piece of paper.  I have a friend whose husband cheated on her, but now she has been with one man for multiple years and they are not married.  I have another friend who has been dedicated to her boyfriend for at least 7-8 years.  Then there are those who do not plan to get married, but that does not stop them from committing to someone.  At a 52% divorce rate maybe it is good that our country is re-evaluating marriage since some of the most dedicated couples are not even married.  I do wonder how the government classifies marriage, a piece of paper or a religious commitment.

Now I do believe marriage is just a piece of paper, just like divorce.  I went through both and no one cares that you had to break a promise, politically speaking.  All they care about is "Sign here and here then initial here." The paper work reminded me how churches like their members to be confirmed or make profession of faith so there is a documented count of members. Sounds a bit political...like marriage, right?

I want to express that I am also traditionally religious in that if I am going to make a promise to commit to someone for the rest of my life through the sanctity of marriage, then that is what I am going to do.  I will work forever to prove to that person that I am worthy of their love and that they are worthy of mine.  Even if I do not get married, same rule follows because that is some I personally believe in.

So to the newly engaged couple I am so happy for these two.  Why?  Every peanut butter needs its jam, every football team needs a quarterback, and everyone needs someone else to complement them in every possible way.  I may not have had any positive examples of a relationship in my life until these two came along.  Marriage, it is putting the other person ahead of yourself to reach a common goal. Love, well what can I say....it is putting on your pants one leg at a time. :P

Have a great day!!

Something to talk about

This week I have come across many topics that I want to talk about.  There are different ways to discuss topics or get them out.  There is talking, texting, emailing, or my favorite of writing.

“You must often make erasures if you mean to write what is worthy of being read a second time; and don't labor for the admiration of the crowd, but be content with a few choice readers.”

--Horace

I know my writing can be confusing to most, thinking that maybe I am negative or even twisted.  The words I like to use are passionate and dramatic. 

I have a passionate side because anything in my life right now I have earned and fought hard for in order to survive.  All I want is to inspire someone or even help them improve.

My dramatic side is a side of conflict that gets misinterpreted as something negative whereas it is sometimes a self defense mechanism.  I imagined a scene this week at Walmart running into someone I do not hope to ever see again. There were different versions of the scene, but each one was the same in that I was strong and I faced my fear since this person is the epitome of all my fears.  It took hours for me to snap back to reality, but I realized that I could not do anything until the I actually came across this person.

One of my biggest fears is wondering if I have a future in writing.  I have heard many opinions, especially on my blog here and I always wonder if I am doing the "write" thing. I have had a person tell me to delete this because they did not like while on the other hand I have had a person tell me to keep it up because it is meant to be read.  I left it because each and every word here on this webpage exists forever, so it is not as if I can rid all information I have written. 

So I think of some of the things I have been taught in my writing class and the quote from above gave me some hope today.  When I write, I have a purpose, I use specific words, and I try to make sure that what I am writing is a worthy piece of writing.  What I need to remember in my first-born child thinking of a perfectionist is that I am not perfect and I do not need the support or opinion of everyone to be the same for me.  I just need a quality opinion from a person who I deem is worthy of reading my quality writing. 

When you think about it, I think I might have found the sword to help me battle my fear and win in the end.  As for the other fears I might need to find a different solution or hit boot camp for my strength in my Walmart scenario....yes, that was meant a bit sarcastically.

Sleep well everyone.

Something to Start Off the Homework

So I am having a little bit of trouble straightening out my thoughts for my homework tonight.  I need to write a short short story and I am trying to decide what topic I wanted to write about.  Well, I am a bit blocked and this is just the unblocking. :P


Sometimes I feel gross or even unworthy.  People do not realize how much strength is in a touch, on the hand, on the face, the arm, or maybe lips.  I dream about a touch, something to feel real and whole again.  I see arms around me holding me tight with a head twisting to the right and kissing my neck. I imagine a hand holding mine as they the sweat trickles down from the nerves.  I see his lips and feel them touching mine as I close my eyes melting into him.

Well, now that idea is out of my head and I can hopefully focus.  Sometimes writing is being able to focus on one thing and not one million. :P Good night.

Honesty in its worst form

This week I learned something new.  I learned that as much as I respect, honor, and like honesty I also hate it.  I hid something from someone and finally decided to tell this person my secret.  Part of me feels relieved because it is hard to hide things, especially things that have built up to a very strong degree.  The other part.....

Well, the other part of me feels really stupid.  I feel stupid for the fact that I had this secret and I wanted a particular outcome or closer outcome than what actually happened, but as I have learned a long time ago, "sometimes the things you want to know are the things you really don't want to know."  Still does not change the stupid feeling.

I then feel stupid thinking things would improve.  You ever have that feeling of "not good enough?" Sometimes you have a feeling because it truly exists.  I will say it is healthy to realize it.  It is true that some people are sent into our lives as lesson.  Maybe I'm still learning one.

Then I feel stupid because of the type of secret I held.  Sometimes you emotions try to cancel out your mind, but your mind knows better.  Maybe this is why some people have a hard time making decisions.  The heart stands for one side while the mind stands for another and the only way for both sides to win and remain in peace is to get rid of the subject.  

So what have I learned?  Being honest does not change anything.  It does not change from bad to good or from good to bad.  It gives home where hope wants to give up and say, "I don't care anymore."  I guess if I heard those words I would be more scared.  Without the care and without the peace....it all goes numb.

So with appreciation for honesty...I just don't care anymore.

If I Could be Half of that

This passed weekend I went to a funeral of a person I did not know.  I know that sentence in itself sounds a bit out of place, but I went in support of his mother, a woman I truly admire.  Even though she was the only person I knew closely associated with the deceased, it was, out of all the funerals I have been to, one of the most moving and inspirational.

Watching everyone's reaction in the room was like watching a movie where you are there in the moment, but you are not part of it.  I watched as the woman who had been there for some of my hard times with a simple pat on the back broke down because lying in front of us was her son.  I listened as everyone told his story of his life, his job, his adventures, but mostly who he was as a person.

He was described as being smart beyond his young years, being well-known for things he had developed in his career, and passionate.  For a moment I wondered what people would say at my funeral.  This seems a bit selfish, but this man inspired me to be better, go further, and be more. I may not have known this man, but through his reputation I feel as though I at least got to meet him. 

Unfortunately, I have my faults and I feel as though I have failed already.  I ran from a situation not that long ago because I do not want to get hurt.  It is hard for people to understand this feeling, but when you have been tossed so many times it is easier to run on both legs instead of landing on your knees not being able to go anywhere.

So tonight my fault led me to think of the man from this weekend.  His brother described him as a risk-taker and so far all I have proven is that I am a coward.  However, strength is getting back up, running back, and facing the fear no matter how much it may hurt.  I did get tossed.  I also realize that even though I do not want to waste time on useless things maybe I underestimated the situation.  All I can do right now is pray for the outcome I so desire.

To the son, I want to thank God for sending you into my life through the memories of your family.  I pray that through those memories your family eventually has peace.  I want to thank you for reminding me that some day I hope to be remembered in such a glorious light that you were received in and if at some point you can stop by for a visit....I would greatly appreciate it.


-"Try" by Pink