After my jump, I felt nothing for the next few days, maybe a week. I mean, I was proud of what I did considering I had been waiting a long time to accomplish this goal, but emotionally...complete nothingness. It was the feeling you get after something amazing like a good movie or book and your heart just drops because...it's done. I anticipated the probability of skydiving many years ago. This goal then became a focus of mine that only intensified after my life was threatened because I had so much to accomplish.
After I scheduled my jump something changed in my mind. You know those dreams you get as a child where you are flying, you are invincible, and nothing can hurt you? I dreamt about that for about thirty days. The feeling of suspended tranquility, unbelievable admiration, and a somehow mildly empowering feeling of accomplishment.
Freedom.....
......complete......and utter
Freedom.
It was a place similar to what I would call limbo considering I was neither here nor there. It is a place you may find when swimming under water or, I have been told, when doing a suspension (hanging from fish hooks?).
And then it was gone.
It was so surreal and I felt apathetic. I felt as though I was a failure. In the different aspects of my passed. What did I do wrong that I ended up here with ...nothing?
This took me awhile to adjust. I thought I was to feel alive after all that excitement and I felt dead. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. Then something clicked. To many of you this will sound weird if not trite, but I had felt something I had not felt in years. Love in its purest form. The type you might have towards a new born child. Do not get me wrong, I love my family and friends dearly. I also love people in that "this is a person. Why do you need to hurt this person? Why does a person deserve punishment for being different than you?" type of way (too bad you cannot just stick an adult in a corner some days :P). I had something for a bleak moment and it was gone like that.
So a part of me is lost in that at the moment. I accept that though. If I am patient and behave, I might get a chance to figure it out. Love is a bit complex to figure out in one night anyway. In the mean time, my writing has increased tremendously making me wonder if the extra oxygen levels cleared a few things or just added more air to my head for ideas to move around instead of bang into each other. Maybe this was a process of rebirth. Pushing the "reset" button on my life? Adding more perspective because I have too much to experience yet and I just won't know it until I get there.
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