Simple and Small Pleasures: Stop to smell the roses

In a previous post I referenced something I call "The Proximity Drug," which is basically the high feeling you get from being around particular people, but then there are those simple small pleasures in life that make you smile for just a brief moment realizing that you are where you are needed.  I have one of these every so often and lately it has been more frequent.

I never really started to pay attention to these moments until about a month ago.  I was having a terrible day, the kind where you realize you should have never gotten out of bed, so I ditched my regular healthy diet and decided to get a bacon cheeseburger pizza slice from the pizza joint down the street from where I was working at the time.  I used to frequent this place at least once a week for the bacon cheeseburger pizza specifically until one of the employees there knew my order by heart.  I will say I appreciate when that happens because it makes their service faster as well as me getting to eating faster.  Anyway, I had not visited the pizza place for quite some time, so to walk in to be acknowledged like I was a missed friend felt great.  Not only had I felt special for being missed, but I had recently become a blonde and was self-conscious on the change.  The employee took a second look at me with a smile on his face as he got my pizza for me.  

Me: "What?"

Employee: "I like your hair."

Me: "Oh, thanks"

Employee: "It is really pretty and brings out your eyes."

Yes, I blushed, I'll admit it.  However, my self-conscious feeling dissipated.  Until that one brief moment, my day had weighted me down to the point that I did not care about anything, but that one employee changed all that.  No, my day did not change too much, but my attitude did.  I felt safe and secure enough to conquer the world, even though that is not my quest in life.  I could....I could be Wonder Woman, confident enough to walk around in crazy bright spandex.  HAHA...Nah!  Either way, I felt good.

Within the last month or two, I became a member of the YMCA with the intention to improve my health on my own like I had done before, but to also just pass under the radar of anyone there because of certain painful situations that I intended to avoid. My weight began to plateau, so I thought I would try something new by adding a group fitness class.  

I took the Zumba class since I had a bit of experience thinking I could sink into the background.  I do not know what happened, but by golly Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was removed.  I remember one day one of the people from class asked how I was doing as she knew a little bit about some challenges I was and am currently still facing.  I am cursed with vague honesty, so I told her that I was basically 'hanging in there.'  Then she said something that I did not expect.  I could not believe the words came out of her mouth since I barely knew her and once they were set free I prayed that my face did not reveal the shock I was in.  She told me she had been praying for me.  Now, I am not the most religious person nor am I not a religious person...it's complicated right now, but those words stayed in my head for a long time.  They actually still  come back to me at certain moments (like this one).  Since then, this person has inadvertently done a few other things that I appreciate or needed motivation for, but for now I might just ride the inspiration until it is time to tell her, "You made a difference in my life, thank you."

There have been other brief moments like when one of the desk jockies acknowledges my attendance at the gym or even a brief acknowledgement from a familiar face with a smile that makes you want to smile also.  So, you see stopping to smell the roses is not a waste of time as some may think, but more of a small gift that is given in small doses to make sure you appreciate every piece individually and then as a whole.  I am hoping that at some point in my life I could/can/am this type of inspiration to someone else because to me it is a very rewarding position, but for now I am going to be gracious for this tidbits and smell a few more roses on the way.

The Almighty 'Out'

In our lives many of us come across a fork in the road where we know we are suppose to pick one way when we really want the other path, but should we take the other path a feeling of guilt will overcome us.  No one wants to feel guilty and no one wants to be punished for wanting what they want.  I understand this feeling, so when the option is presented to someone I know and it concerns me I offer the other option without the guilt.

However, tonight was the first time I was asked not to do this, which of course left me confused.  You see, in my experience, I do not recall being the path that is  chosen even when the other path is full of guilt.  I figured that if I remove myself from the equation I have control over my feelings of potentially being hurt that I was the second choice and by doing so I am ultimately in control.  There would be no guilt for the other person and no pain for me, which did give me a feeling of freedom because it was my choice and not the choice of the other person.  The down side to this is that I knew deep inside that every time I did this I was sacrificing to be the second choice, I did not feel the need to fight to be first.  It all made sense, until tonight.

I thought about this for awhile trying to figure out why this request shocked me.  As I rehashed the conversation small pieces seemed to expose responses with which I was not familiar.  I told this person I was offering an out knowing that this  person would rather being doing whatever other task was on the individual's mind, but the response was, "I don't need an out."  

I don't need an out.  I...don't need an out. I don't....need an out.

The words repeated in my head as I tried to examine them.  You see, I have this habit of dissecting what people say to find out the true meaning instead of the assumed meaning because long ago I learned that sometimes people tell you things without actually telling you, but I could not shake this phrase.  

I tried different emphasis, different organization like changing don't to do not, and I even changed out synonyms for the same words.  I don't need an out, I do not need an out, I do not want you to give me an out, I do not want the option of a second choice where you feel you need to give me an out......

Now maybe I am wrong in my development, but when I person does not want the option of a second choice it means that person wants just one and only first choice.  If you do not want to pick the other thing you desire, that leaves only...me.  I inadvertently became this person's first choice.  I will admit that this is something that I need to get used to feeling, but the sad part is that it should not have taken this person for me to be a first choice.  I should have owned the first place spot from the beginning. For some situations, the opt-out selection may be a wise choice as not all battles are important, but those times when I should have been the only choice I should have fought back.

So with respect I will try not to offer the sacrifice of the almighty 'out,'even though old habits die hard, but I will also appreciate the option this friend has shown me.  Between you and me....it is nice to be chosen first for a change.

The Proximity Drug

The past week has been hard for me for specific life adjustments that are recurring.  I still have no idea why certain paths like this are made and repeated, but I am holding on to the belief that everything happens for a reason. However, on this journey I have come across some people who have kept me focused by implanting some stability in a positive attitude.  What I am referring to is the situation of being between jobs.  There is fear of worst case scenarios and then there is the appreciation of a little time to do what you have been wanting to do for some time, like write.

Last time this happened, I lost some extra weight, finished some documents for grad school, and found a new love in exercise.  I took it a bit further and joined a gym knowing that I needed a bit extra in my life instead of the same routine exercise for my body.  My goal was to just concentrate on my health, but somehow some people slipped under my radar.  Now if you know me well enough, you will know that I am not the type to trust others with the most vulnerable side of me (yes, that deep dark mysterious hole in my heart that is never to be understood-ok, that was actually a bit of a joke), but after a life made of lies I chose to step out of my comfort zone by giving a little trust to a person unless they provide some reason for a background search. However, based on the atmosphere of the gym I have felt comfortable and safe there whether I am alone or not.

So I established a membership with the idea to blend in and 'lose myself in the crowd' theory of self preservation until one person said 'hi' and asked for my name because I was new to a fitness class. I'll be honest and say that this happened a couple times with different instructors, which for me was hard because I no longer blended.  Instead, I stood out.  Another incident was when one of, what I like to call, desk jockies pointed out to me how often I would show up to work out.  Once again, more confusion on the fact that I was noticed and shock because it seemed just a little out of the ordinary that someone was keeping track of me.  

These situations had taken place after a month of membership and I started to question why these particular people were in my life because it could not have been by chance that I was noticed.  I somewhat thought a bit that maybe something or someone (depending upon your spirituality) was keeping track of me and that I just had to trust wherever I was going.  I sometimes still doubt the path, but like the idea of Hansel and Gretel, I follow my trail of breadcrumbs to the gym....because after I eat them I'll need to burn them off. (Had to add some sarcasm to that.)  

Anyway, I have become accustom to the feeling or almost natural high from the atmosphere at the gym and the people there.  These people have established what I will call "The Proximity Drug" into my life.  Proximity is how close you are to something whether measured in space, time, or relationship.  I know this may say a bit about my age, but this idea brought me back to an episode on Dawson's Creek where Pacey Witter told Joey Potter why he would follow her even when she return the feelings he had for her.  He said:

"I mean, when you like somebody, proximity is a good thing regardless of how they feel about you. Or don't, as the case may be."

Why is this important you may ask?  Well, it is important to me because those people at the gym make me better by giving me something better.  There are people there who I just want to see for only a minute because I can share an intellectual conversation with that I am not getting from other areas in my life.  There are people who kick my butt to get off it and tell me every time they see me that I'm going to be okay, which forces me to focus on positive things and look at life in a rough situation with a smile.  There are people who miss me in a form that is a bit on a professional side, but the knowledge that I made an impact is comforting because that person would notice if I was gone.  Finally, there are some people there who, out of nowhere, tell me more about them than I need to know only to hunt me down later because I am their "proximity drug."

Honestly, I do not know what this year is going to bring, how it will end, or if I will ever feel completely safe as I worry about my financial well-being, but somehow I trust in the strength of proximity because it has gotten me this far.  Sometimes we just need to let go so we are able to follow whatever is leading us because even though that journey is meant to strengthen us, it does not mean that we will not need a little help along the pathway.

The Skinny and the Phat of my life

In the last few months, many people have said to me 'Oh my goodness you look great' or 'Wow, you have lost a lot of weight? How did you do it?"  I am not going to lie and say I took some magic wand that tightened up my core and toned up my legs, but I am going to tell you the key ingredients to the answers of those questions, which someone recently brought again to my attention.  To be where you want to be physically is controlled by your mentality and steam powered by your heart, literally and figuratively.  Now please note that I am neither a doctor or a dietitian nor am I a trainer or anything applied to the medical field, but I am a person like every Tom, Dick, and Harry who is out there trying to make my life better for me because it is the only one I have.  There are no redoes, rewinds, or even fast-forwards.  There is only the here, the now, and onward.  I will tell you that I do a lot of research, reading articles from many sources on many topics to find the right chemistry that it take for me to excel and achieve my goals. 

About ten months ago, a friend of mine needed to lose some weight for his health and he succeeded, but his mind changed in how he saw people and more specifically food.  When he talked, it hurt me because he could not empathize with those who were overweight, even though he was there only months prior, and it not only annoyed me, but angered me feeling as though he was attacking me for being fat.  Now I brought this to his attention knowing and agreeing with his answer that it was my own inferiority blocking my path, as well as his cocky ignorantly arrogant attitude.  So with my own pain I focused on something my mother had taught me and repeated often in my life which is, "If you don't like something, change it."  Simple, right?  Not so much, but I was afraid I was going to lose a friend if I did not change because I would not be able to keep up with him.

So to start, I changed my mind.  I began by setting goals for myself that were obtainable and I could be proud of with my success.  I realized that for me to begin I had to get up and move around, which of course took time away from other things in life. Sadly, some days it seemed to take more work just to get started, but the fact is that I realized this struggle telling myself, "If you just do some walking today you will have made a difference," which it did.  This thought was actually motivated by a video a friend had posted on social media of a man's journey to better health.  The man started with yoga, so I kept it simple and concentrated on just getting myself to move whether it was the elliptical aiming for ten minutes at first and then increasing over the next few weeks, walking, or even increasing my flexibility through yoga.  Eventually I lost my first five to ten pounds.  I knew that if I was going to continue I needed to amp up my process, so I set a new goal including more time as well as incorporating healthier foods into my diet.  Now I could go on a tangent about food, but for the sake of this entry, I am going to digress temporarily as changing one's body is beyond just food and exercise.

Over the next few months, I discussed different techniques to better my body with my ultimate goal being to run a 5K.  My mother encouraged me to complete a 5K telling me I could walk it and still feel successful, but I told her that was not good enough being that in my eyes it was too simple and I needed a challenge to motivate me.  I picked up my momentum and focused, which if you knew me is hard since my mind wanders constantly about random things and how that moment of running could be used for laundry or school work instead, but I had to change my train of thought once again.  What was I truly doing in those minutes?  Why was I viewing this as a waste of time?  I thought it was a waste of time knowing I could be doing other things, but taught myself that like the finance world, I was investing in myself for the future.  That is right; my trip to better my health soon became a metaphoric banking investment that I was determined not to lose interest in.

Now if you must know, this journey started around Thanksgiving and Christmas, so you can only imagine how hard it was to choose to ignore all the good cooking and baked goods.  This does not mean that I did not eat anything at all, but made choices for smaller portions or even sharing desserts just to have a taste of a holiday goody.  I hate to say it, but on a journey like this, a person needs comfort and unlike some people, I did not revamp my diet to exclude ALL goodies.  Instead, I embraced them as I incorporated them into the rewards to my goals.  I carried this motivation into the new year investing in a scale that calculated more than just weight and a Fitbit, which gives a numerical estimate of what my produces.  I bought these because I wanted to see how my numbers worked and how to readjust them as needed.  I will admit that I became a bit anal retentive by tracking what I eat, how many steps I take in a day, how many inches I lose on any part of my body, my weight, etc., but I needed those numbers like steps to the top of a ladder to see that my small goals were being met on the numerical aspect.

My new year was going well until a very unlucky day, March 17 St. Patrick's Day, I was let go from my job due to downsizing while I was away on vacation.  I panicked about everything from food, to money, to bills.  So I turned my focus to my health and pushed myself a bit further since I really had no other choice.  The weight continued to go down while my body began to tone up with muscle allowing me to do things I had not done in a long time and not be scared of them in fear of hurting myself.  Walking became my new friend as I would invest hours a day, with no job, to freeing my mind while I absorbed the outdoors.  I lost forty pounds walking in a couple of months.  I monitored my steps with goals to outdo the day prior, but my biggest accomplishment was not allowing my emotions to dictate my eating habits.  If anything the scenario improved it, giving me time to focus on what I was actually eating giving me opportunity to revamp my eating habits and foods that I craved.  This actually set a new goal for me in sharing my experience with others, leading me to apply for a fitness instructor position.  I was not completely qualified with physical certification, but the passion to share the knowledge and experience I gained did qualify me.  I now want those certifications in addition to everything else I have gained.

To this day, I have lost at least seventy-five pounds and continue to lose with the understanding that some weeks I am going to plateau and others my weight number may not change because I toned up my muscle to lose inches on my body instead.  I also need to acknowledge that my health has been an issue and the product of peer bullying since my early elementary years that I now see how it feels to be in the healthiest shape I have been since my teenage years (and it only took me twenty years to figure this out).  My friend, whom I mentioned before, would monitor his progress through the BMI scale and though I keep those measurements in the back of my head, I know and understand that those numbers are unrealistic.  I have seen too many people compare their health to that scale only to see them end up hospitalized because it was actually not a healthy measurement for their body.  I, however, measure my body by numbers and correlate those numbers into what I see and how I feel that day in my own skin.  Again, most of this begins in the reprogramming of your mind, but it also takes a lot of heart.  Not only is your heart the engine for your to do many physical activities, and keeping you alive, but you need to be passionate about yourself.  To think, initial intention was to impress and attract a boy, but became a journey where I realize I deserve much more and better than him.  Mainly, I deserve me the inside that is now being reflected more on the outside each day.

So for those of you who continue to ask me how I did this, well I learned to focus and value myself a bit more than I had in the past.  Instead of completely putting all others before myself, I learned to include myself because I am no less than anyone else.  So if you are reading this, I hope you understand that there is no proper education in the method of my madness even though learning from others and what works for them can also be essential and effective in motivation.  Start simple until you are comfortable because once you are comfortable, you need a new challenge.  With that said....Anyone want to go for a walk?

Admiration and Inspiration (Robin Williams 1951-2014)

Today I am inspired to write about a great man who passed away on August 11, 2014 who, according to social media, left more behind than his immediate family, but a world full of admirers.  Through movies, quotes, and other popular methods of public display, Robin Williams became very personal to many people who related not only to who he was, but the character he portrayed in his work.

I find the event hard to grasp for many reasons, some personal, as normally I am not one to grieve in the stereotypical normal manner, but that is no indication that I care any less. This may sound cold or unemotional, but logically speaking we are born, we live, and then we die meaning at some point in time we just move on because there is no other choice, as we know that every human has a beginning and an end.  However, it troubled me that this particular death meant something to me as I was left feeling as though a small bit of me was missing something.  My thoughts continued to circulate through my head  trying to fathom how a man so well loved by the world could carry enough demons around to want to commit suicide (as currently reported).  Do not get me wrong, as I understand inner demons, but if you know the world loves you why try to end your life?

I am sure those of you who know me will say, “Um, excuse me, practice what you preach,” which I understand as my comprehension of the situation has credibility even though I am sure I am not the only one. For those of you who do not know me I will admit that I am a cutter or a self-mutilator who recently, meaning last twelve months, ran into an issue that knocked me off a hopeful path. I could say it knocked me insane as all logic to create a new path went out the door, but instead I fell into the commonly referenced ‘Dark Place’ and continued to bury deeper as I slowly began to lose myself.

One night I began drowning in that place that I not only lost logic, but all common sense and thought as my own inner voice echoed further away from my conscious leaving me helpless. I remember sitting in the shower with warm water running down my back while a blade slowly ran across the fibers of my skin, but it was not until the next moment that I remember looking down at my hand as my mind started to turn with simple thoughts thinking, “That’s a lot of blood.  It is a pretty red.  It will stop soon as usual.  It’s not stopping…the blood is not stopping!”  For the first time in all the times I had done this, I panicked because of the unknown result of what might happen if I ever reach this point again.  Three days passed before I told anyone or anyone noticed, however, that one person I told turned into two, two turned into four until my family was once again involved (they knew my dirty little secret.)

The moment came when my roommate assertively approached me about what I had done to myself starting out quiet until the anger began to pour from her eyes through her tears showing the most concern I can ever remember seeing for my life.  Seeing her upset in front of me left me surprised as she began to put into perspective her fear of finding a dead body in the apartment, the damage of how it would affect her and how she would miss me.    

After our talk was done, I called the source of information not angry that she told my secret, but to thank her for her big heard since she was caring enough to take a risk even though I had only intended to tell one person.  Over the next couple of days, I realized she risked telling confidential information for our friendship and for my life, so why could I not take a risk?  Now I am not perfect as I still have dark thoughts, but I have faith in people close to me that I can call out ‘MAYDAY’ and they will try to be there.

 

So yes, I understand the pain even if it is not the world that loves me, but that is not the point.  After my incident, I had to find a purpose, which is the point of this entry as it is this idea that reminds me of Robin Williams.  I have always wanted to inspire someone or maybe even save a life, so I keep exploring new paths in my life thinking, “I am not done yet” instead of “I am done with this.”  To see the impact of another person on people, even though that person may not be with us at this time is amazing not to mention that Robin Williams left me personally star struck that I hope someday someone looks at me the way many look or have looked at him.  I will say that Robin Williams inspired and entertained me in many ways through his personal life and the lives of his characters, who were each a separate part of Williams’s complete personality.  It seems to me many people who suffer from depression are able to portray characters more easily as they can separate themselves into multiple individuals unlike many others.   

One of my favorite movies starring Robin is What Dreams May Come, a concept on the afterlife that it has recently inspired me to read the book.  The movie has a point where Robin’s wife commits suicide and it is said that she is to remain in a ‘special place’ forever for what she did, however, Robin travels to this place to save her risking the potential to fall prisoner to world.  I hope this is not really the case and if so I hope there is someone to save Robin Williams as he has given so much to the world around us, putting everyone and everything else before himself, which is something to be admired in a person.  He was someone you may never have met even though I am sure that many of us feel as though we have known him for many years through funny characters (Mrs. Doubtfire-1993), serious characters (One Hour Photo-2002), and playful characters that remind us to let loose and be a kid again (Hook-1991).  I look over his accomplishments and the memories he brought hoping someday I could be half the person he ever was.

So I will end this entry with an ironic line from the movie Hook, which is a quote from J.M Barrie's Peter Pan, "To die would be an awfully big adventure."

 

Patron Etiquette

Many parent with children these days are taking to social media, like Facebook to criticize businesses with service such as restaurants or hotels.  The topic of choice is what the parents describe as bad service not realizing the real issue in mutual respect.

A restaurant, for instance, is a place where people go to enjoy a meal.  Some may be fancy or you could possibly classify fast food in this category, regardless each business deserves respect as much as the patrons that frequent them.  These parents describe that just because they are asked to quiet their child or provide some sort of entertainment for the child that the business is mistreating them.

For these parents I understand your mama and papa bear instincts kick in and you get defensive feelings that no one has the right to tell you how to raise your kids.  It is true no one has the right to tell anyone else how to be a parent unless there is some harm or legality reason to intervene.  However, the owner or manager has the right to request respect for their establishment as well as your request for your respect.

A business is an investment and a life support for those working there as well as the owners who may also have children.  I see on Facebook most of those patrons complaining do not consider this idea.  Well beyond the ownership and financial support, these businesses need patrons, just like you to frequent their establishment.  Did you ever consider that your child's screaming, banging or loud noises may be irritating the other patrons who now either have/will complain to the manager about your child?  Did you think that because of your child’s behavior that the business may lose the business of other patrons?  What if you were the manager and you have five complaints against an unruly child, would you risk losing the five patrons or the one family with the misbehaving child?  I know, who would have thought that your complaint on Facebook was inaccurate because you only thought of yourself and the manager when there are three parties involved?  How rude of you to be so selfish.

Let us take a different angle for the parents to think about.  What if there is a loud obnoxious drunk yelling, being rude to the staff if not crude to them, and banging on the furniture, would you not want the manager to speak to the person about his or her demeanor in that particular setting?  If it were a restaurant, would you not request a different table or even go to the extent of asking the repugnant person to be removed?  Many of you would say ‘yes’ because that person is not only disrupting your meal, but is also an irresponsible influence to your child.  Well, is it not irresponsible of you, the parent, you allow your child to act like the drunk and disrupt the meal of other people?

I guess out of respect for other patrons, who would like to enjoy their meal without the loud noise, I would teach my child some manners and follow through on disciplining them to validate my argument and complaint against any mistreatment from a business.  Without that, a person is just another bias client with sour grapes looking for revenge in the most childish manner and worst example for their children.

The thing is that there is a time and a place for everything and everyone so be mindful of where you take your kids not just because you deserve the rightful service as a patron but because the guy next to you deserves it as well. 

Travelling the High Road

In the last couple days I became conflicted with an issue that distracted me from my everyday normalcy, leaving me to question the true meaning of ethics and who has them.  Let me start at the beginning.

I am currently still in attending school to obtain a degree and in each class we have Learning Teams, which is basically a small group of people with whom you have to do a group project.  Our weeks start from Tuesday to the following Monday when the team assignment is due.  One person on my team took the initiative or the lead to start this week's project and everyone agreed to it, meaning myself and the other two members.  Then on Sunday, less than forty-eight hours from our assignment's deadline, one member decides he needed to change how we were doing the assignment.  I had a problem with this because he did not think his strategy through.  The team member that started the project was busy at work most of the weekend and said she would not be available much to check the assignment online.  The other member was, at that time, in the hospital sick so she would not be checking the assignment often.  I had half of my part done, which had already taken a couple hours and also had other obligations that required my time.  So unless this individual wanted to write the assignment alone he should have mentioned something earlier so modifications could be assessed on the assignment even if he had already agreed prior to what was initially set up.

Here is where my questioning started.  In a professional manner I told him that it was rude for him to change the assignment on the team when people were missing and would not be able to check the assignment to give them sufficient time for them to finish their part.  I asked him next time to change things earlier and then to clarify parts on his changed assignment as I did not understand exactly what he wanted.  Instead he got mad, deciding that taking a personal 'jab' in my direction was most appropriate for the conversation.  Two things popped into my mind after he posted his reply.  One, how is your post following the school's code of ethics? Two, I wanted to know what gave him the right to think that his idea was superior to the rest of the team that he had to degrade members when they challenged him.  I looked up his profile to find he had two BAs, an Associates degree, and a Master's thus far.  I am going to shake my head at this one.

I could have replied immaturely, matching his demeanor and level, but I firmly stated that next time he wants to change things to do it earlier to allow sufficient time for change and quality in the assignment and to clarify his idea.  Instead he digressed and removed his outline/ideas.  The only thought I had was, "How childish?"  

In this scenario, it is funny to me how someone so "smart" could be so "dumb."  Let me try this again, a person who is scholastically intelligent does not always have common sense or common decency.  I would  hope a person of his intellectual stature could have been mature enough to at least said something to the effect of, "I'm sorry this is such short notice.  I would like you to do blah blah blah to your part.  Does that help?"  In a corporate business/organization is that not how a leader would lead?  To sit there and verbally throw a temper tantrum from a person with that much education saddens me.  Just because you may have more scholastic education or more education does not give a person a right to be rude and inconsiderate to others.

The event left me so angry that I discussed it with a friend who gave the response, "Well, remember that as you are soon to be one of those highly educated people [when you get your Masters degree]." All I have to say is, "Yeah and I will be smart enough not to disrespect others, hence I did not insult my team member."  I will say though, sometimes it is hard to take the 'high road.'  At times it can be really steep.