Admiration and Inspiration (Robin Williams 1951-2014)

Today I am inspired to write about a great man who passed away on August 11, 2014 who, according to social media, left more behind than his immediate family, but a world full of admirers.  Through movies, quotes, and other popular methods of public display, Robin Williams became very personal to many people who related not only to who he was, but the character he portrayed in his work.

I find the event hard to grasp for many reasons, some personal, as normally I am not one to grieve in the stereotypical normal manner, but that is no indication that I care any less. This may sound cold or unemotional, but logically speaking we are born, we live, and then we die meaning at some point in time we just move on because there is no other choice, as we know that every human has a beginning and an end.  However, it troubled me that this particular death meant something to me as I was left feeling as though a small bit of me was missing something.  My thoughts continued to circulate through my head  trying to fathom how a man so well loved by the world could carry enough demons around to want to commit suicide (as currently reported).  Do not get me wrong, as I understand inner demons, but if you know the world loves you why try to end your life?

I am sure those of you who know me will say, “Um, excuse me, practice what you preach,” which I understand as my comprehension of the situation has credibility even though I am sure I am not the only one. For those of you who do not know me I will admit that I am a cutter or a self-mutilator who recently, meaning last twelve months, ran into an issue that knocked me off a hopeful path. I could say it knocked me insane as all logic to create a new path went out the door, but instead I fell into the commonly referenced ‘Dark Place’ and continued to bury deeper as I slowly began to lose myself.

One night I began drowning in that place that I not only lost logic, but all common sense and thought as my own inner voice echoed further away from my conscious leaving me helpless. I remember sitting in the shower with warm water running down my back while a blade slowly ran across the fibers of my skin, but it was not until the next moment that I remember looking down at my hand as my mind started to turn with simple thoughts thinking, “That’s a lot of blood.  It is a pretty red.  It will stop soon as usual.  It’s not stopping…the blood is not stopping!”  For the first time in all the times I had done this, I panicked because of the unknown result of what might happen if I ever reach this point again.  Three days passed before I told anyone or anyone noticed, however, that one person I told turned into two, two turned into four until my family was once again involved (they knew my dirty little secret.)

The moment came when my roommate assertively approached me about what I had done to myself starting out quiet until the anger began to pour from her eyes through her tears showing the most concern I can ever remember seeing for my life.  Seeing her upset in front of me left me surprised as she began to put into perspective her fear of finding a dead body in the apartment, the damage of how it would affect her and how she would miss me.    

After our talk was done, I called the source of information not angry that she told my secret, but to thank her for her big heard since she was caring enough to take a risk even though I had only intended to tell one person.  Over the next couple of days, I realized she risked telling confidential information for our friendship and for my life, so why could I not take a risk?  Now I am not perfect as I still have dark thoughts, but I have faith in people close to me that I can call out ‘MAYDAY’ and they will try to be there.

 

So yes, I understand the pain even if it is not the world that loves me, but that is not the point.  After my incident, I had to find a purpose, which is the point of this entry as it is this idea that reminds me of Robin Williams.  I have always wanted to inspire someone or maybe even save a life, so I keep exploring new paths in my life thinking, “I am not done yet” instead of “I am done with this.”  To see the impact of another person on people, even though that person may not be with us at this time is amazing not to mention that Robin Williams left me personally star struck that I hope someday someone looks at me the way many look or have looked at him.  I will say that Robin Williams inspired and entertained me in many ways through his personal life and the lives of his characters, who were each a separate part of Williams’s complete personality.  It seems to me many people who suffer from depression are able to portray characters more easily as they can separate themselves into multiple individuals unlike many others.   

One of my favorite movies starring Robin is What Dreams May Come, a concept on the afterlife that it has recently inspired me to read the book.  The movie has a point where Robin’s wife commits suicide and it is said that she is to remain in a ‘special place’ forever for what she did, however, Robin travels to this place to save her risking the potential to fall prisoner to world.  I hope this is not really the case and if so I hope there is someone to save Robin Williams as he has given so much to the world around us, putting everyone and everything else before himself, which is something to be admired in a person.  He was someone you may never have met even though I am sure that many of us feel as though we have known him for many years through funny characters (Mrs. Doubtfire-1993), serious characters (One Hour Photo-2002), and playful characters that remind us to let loose and be a kid again (Hook-1991).  I look over his accomplishments and the memories he brought hoping someday I could be half the person he ever was.

So I will end this entry with an ironic line from the movie Hook, which is a quote from J.M Barrie's Peter Pan, "To die would be an awfully big adventure."