Time travels, too fast. Today I watched my son at his soccer game wondering if seven years earlier I was in my right mind. His brown hair and skin glisten in the sun from the sweat of running around the field. He is an athletic young man, which he got from his father, along with those blue eyes that stand out in contrast to his other physical tones. He is smart, too. Although I had chosen a closed adoption, my sons mother seemed to understand that I could not lose that significant piece of my heart, the piece that is connected to the accomplishment of life. I did not fight her on her choice and now, I think I appreciate it more.
I accidentally became pregnant, and when I say "accidentally" I mean it was unplanned. I screamed and hollered the day I found out I was pregnant. My life was not ready for a child. I could not care for him, I still had more life to live, and I had not decided whether I wanted to have children or not. At the time I was in a relationship with a man, no one to be impressed by and probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but is that not what everyone says about an ex? Anyway, the relationship did not last, leaving me with this small piece of me and small piece of him (of course it was more me).
A week went by after my childish adult tantrum before I was able to grasp anything and what I decided to do was consider the circumstances logically. I could not think with my heart, although my emotions were as elevated as the power of a super hero. I decided that I would break up with my baby. Now although I was dissolving our relationship, I could not completely dissolve our connect considering this child was a part of me.
I did the logically responsible adult thing I could do, connecting with an association that set me up with a counselor who would help through the breakup of my relationship. She educated me on my choices to confirm not only that I understood what I was doing, but that I was ready to follow through with my choices. What many do not understand about me, is that when I make a choice I follow through and when it comes to letting go of people in my life, I erase them as if they never existed. A life with little memory defaults to the disappearance of a subject from your mind. I had used this method with other individuals, specifically exes, and I was choosing to do it here to salvage my emotional sanity. I may be able to logically and conceptually get rid of a person, but I am human with emotional attachments.
My determination followed the process of development strictly from nurturing a human life to finding a qualified candidate to take my place in my son's life. I know it sounds like a process for hire, but ultimately, that is truly what my choices came down to if I was to try and remain unattached.
I did find a family for my son. The parents were, as my girlie side would describe, adorable. They were high school sweethearts with a four year old son, at the time, whom they had adopted earlier. The interaction between the two dark haired, brown eyed individuals was priceless, the type of love you see in a Hallmark movie. Their son, even though adopted, resembled many of the parents' physical features and was one of the most well-mannered children I had met in a long time. I had my share of interaction with snobby "children" who felt the world owed them, but I wanted my son to be a strong independent individual. The family was perfect to the point where a part of me wished I could be a member.
The days and weeks pressed on. My health suffered a bit through each milestone, but my son's parents were there with me through every appointment and anything other concerns that included their son. I began to trust them more also, know that actions speak louder than words, they were people I could depend on or more so, my son could depend on.
My counselor told me, multiple times, that there are times when the mother carrying the child begins to rethink her choice. I would like to have said I was above this, considering my arrogant determination of choice, but I too, am human. One night I went over to see my son's mother. I wanted to tell her everything that was going through my head and what I was feeling because even though she may not have internally carried a child, she understood the love for one. I am also flawed with the trait of honesty. I see no reason to lie in life and in this particular situation, the lie would concern something or someone that was significant to me. We talked late into the night as I explained to her everything I had been through, the choices I made, and why I made them. The only thing that bothered her was the idea of a closed adoption since it was more common to have an open adoption. I admitted to her that I did not want the emotional pain, the pain of feeling like I abandoned someone, a life that I had a part in creating. Tears came to the eyes of my son's mother. She told me I had a big heart and did not deserve pain, but knew, because of that attribute, it would be hard for me to completely grasp the idea that I was not abandoning our child.
Today my son is an honor student. He, of course, plays soccer, is taking piano lessons, and has one of the most curious minds his parents have known. Although, I still chose for the adoption to be closed, my son's mother convinced me to have a "slightly" open case where I would have the role of being a guardian angel for my son. I would not have to feel as though I abandoned him, but I would not have to know every detail about him either. His parents send me pictures every so often and though a part of me would still like to be a part of their family, I understand that my son is no longer mine, but theirs and that he needs to have his own life. I do watch his games occasionally or see his piano recitals, but those are just events that confirm to me I knew what I was doing when I made my choice to break up with my son.
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