Opportunities in Freedom

I decided to take a break from my introverted series considering I am still doing some analysis and gathering information on body language of an introvert.  I cannot just write something without experiencing it, correct?  So today I wanted to share something that I have been fantasizing about every day after I get off work. 

Take a look at the building pictured.  Look at the structure, the height, the difference in windows, and that it faces south.  Since I have moved I have fallen in love with this building and it is not even finished yet.  I know it sounds so insignificant because who really cares about a building, but imagine the infinite possibilities.  

At night after I work out, I like to ride around town to familiarize myself with my new 'stomping grounds.'  I drive over bridges to see the lights continue beyond the horizon and then I think of what a wonderful sight it would be from the top of this building, the potential of a New York Skyline type of view, the type you only view in movies, specifically the romance ones and even though I do not want that romance with anyone in particular now, I want to just have the passionate feeling of freedom.

So I drive passed this building dreaming of myself on the roof as I watch the sun go down and once it is gone I would step to the edge of the roof, spread my arms to my sides as I looked up toward the sky, and lean forward falling toward the ground.  I know many of you are probably flabbergasted by the thought of plummeting to the ground, but that is not the thought that comes to mind.  I close my eyes imagining the air rushing passed my body because for that brief moment, I have no concerns, no responsibility, and just the rush of adrenaline to the point that it takes my breath away. Pure.  Utter.  Freedom.

www.lifedaily.com

Life weighs us down and sometimes it is hard to carry that weight around.  It is not the same as lifting weights physically, but it still comes with experience that is suppose to make us stronger.  I moved to this new town gaining clarification that I have blocked out for years and have unfortunately learned I have to face the things of my past since I can no longer just hide them away.  I have to face the truth that these things, these events and actions were real.  It is still hard for me to accept those events knowing that somewhere inside I knew better.  

The thought of jumping off this building is purely a thought of flying, flying free and that is what I want to do here in a new location.  I want to try new things, experience new things and remove all limitations from my life.  I want to remove all fear from my life because a person should not be caged up when all there is in life...is opportunity.

The Extroverted Introvert

Oh boy, here I go again.  I have always been intrigued by people, wondering why they do what they do or why they have specific thoughts at particular times, so I decided to delve into a bit of reading to understand why people give me weird looks after I have said or done something.

Apparently, in 2013 the Wall Street Journal published a controversial article about how introverts can be happier.  Of course, it was titled How an Introvert Can be Happier: Act Like an Extrovert, which made me think of Steve Harvey’s book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  Titles like these can be confusing and interpreted to the idea that an individual is not good enough, so the individual has to act or be like someone else.  I do not know about anyone else reading this, but do you not get sick of playing games likes these?  Since when is Halloween every day of the year or when did we all become un-famous actors and actresses?  I hate to admit, but I am not paid enough to not act like myself, not to mention that part of me acts out enough on her own.

Anyway, this article received much adversary as it seemed the author may have been a misguided extrovert who possibly had limited introvert resources.  I must admit that in many of the articles that followed, people enjoyed started the piece with something similar to  ‘…it is a proven fact that introverts have more fun as extroverts,’ yet I could not find any credentials in these particular articles to prove this statement.  Where are the statistics?  Where is the quote from the doctor who has done research studies?  Where is Dr. Phil?...Sorry, got off track there.

One  article I found acknowledged how offended many introverts were by this article with statements such as “I don’t want extroverts defining or interpreting what happiness is for me,’ or discussing matters of how prejudice society can be on introverts because the typical belief is that everyone should be dancing, singing, and flailing their arms singing “Happy, happy, joy, joy…,’ when that is not the case at all.  What is not recognized is that there is happiness in contentment.  I, personally never felt that it was wrong to stay in some nights to enjoy a little Netflix instead of going out to drink every night,

Other articles in reference to Wall Street included myths that were stereotypical thoughts, but were honest, especially considering I could relate to the author in that I also am a “INFJ.”  (If you do not understand this, please look up the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which gives a personality assessment.)  I took this test once in relation to a dating site where everyone thought they had to reveal this particular entity and found out exactly what I had known about myself all along.  One, the idea that introverts do not like to talk is completely NOT me.  I mean, look at this post; does this look like the post of a person who does not like to talk?  No, it is of a person who does not waste her words on nothingness only please the small-minded tater tot brains that soon hiss out helium from too much extroverted activity.  Note:  I am not saying this is bad, I am saying it is not an activity for everyone. 

Another myth that sparked me was the idea that introverts are rude.  Oh. My. Goodness!  I am probably one of those who does not have a heart to be rude, but I will be honest.  (Yes folks, those are two different things and if you do not understand them, look them up or…TOO BAD!)  Why should I feel obligated to talk to a person if nothing is going to come of it?  Do I have to jump up and down at the pure shred of an insignificant task that you accomplished? (Yay! You wrote your name, illegibly, but you wrote your name!---Can you hear the heart monitor flat line at the simplicity of the task?  Sorry, you are not in grade school and I am not going to treat you that way either.)

Then there is the idea that an introvert does not like people or socialize.  Three letters come to mind: WTF?!  That is right! Pure and utter confusion.  I love people!  Good people.  Decent people.  People who do not numb my existence down to that of a telletubby.  I am not asking anyone to sit here and swoon over everything I do or say, so why should I do that for them?  It is called mutual respect here, people!

Ugh!  A little frustration goes a long way these days. However, I did find an interesting slideshow explaining how to understand an introvert.  Great, now I need a ‘how to’ guide to understand how I function.  Why not just write a book called ‘Understanding Introverts for Dummies: For Misguided Extroverts and Confused Introverts.’  (Enter blank stare) Yeah, I did not know I came with instructions, a tush tag maybe, but instructions is stretching it.  What I learned from the slideshow is that I am asexual in producing energy with a need to recharge.  Does that sound like a bad batter pun to anyone else?  What is comical is that in slide five, I feel as though, being an introvert, is like interaction with an extinct animal.  “How to interact with an introvert…Say hello,…it is important for introverts to feel welcome…go back to whatever you were doing…Now the introverts know that you are friendly and open to interaction”  (Shakes head)  Now I am an animal that may bite if threatened.  Just do not poke me with a stick!  Actually….I might bite for sheer pleasure of this.  I might actually invest in that caution sign to wear around my neck, “I bite when threatened.”

Maybe I am just nuts (and for those of you who actually know me, no comment from the peanut gallery), but why is being quiet and thought provoking considered awkward or abnormal?  I still like to talk and socialize, but I also like to write the thoughts that come into my head to see them form on paper or even just analyze things in general.  I have this thing called a mind and unfortunately is does not contain an ‘off’ button allowing me to continuously ask questions and ponder the dear sweet questions that prohibit society from acknowledging their denial of life. 

Should I have been more blunt with that?;)

Caution: This post contains high amounts of sarcasm that may blow your mind.  Enjoy!!

Here are a couple other articles I found interesting: 

http://womanitely.com/things-introvert-should-remember/

http://womanitely.com/things-remember-dating-introverted-man/

The Misunderstood Introvert

My last couple of weeks has been filled with readjustments, as my life seems to have taken a back seat into the fast lane, watching everything and every event pass before I can comprehend a thought.  This pace has left me with a feeling of withdrawal or a type of alienation that provides little fulfillment in my life in the current state; however, lack of fulfillment and the acknowledgement of other accomplishments seem to have twisted themselves around my mind a bit deeper than I expected to recognize.  Since my recent move and driven desire for self-improvement, I noticed today how a piece of my youth that I thought I had changed still dwelled within me.  In a brief random moment I had to admit that ‘Yes, I am weird.  Yes, I am awkward,’ but then ‘Yes…I am still and introvert.’

I am sure if you are reading this you are thinking about how strange it is for someone to sit and think about a particular personality trait only to realize that some things never change.  Fine, I accept that, but I thought this was something that I had grown out of and moved beyond, so imagine my disappointment when motivation for self-improvement came to a screeching halt.  I will admit that it was one of those comic type moments where the cartoon character stares at the television screen, blinking twice with big eyes because that is exactly what I saw in my computer screen at work when I had the realization.

My big hazel eyes moved readily from side to side as if talking to someone, but only in my head of course thinking back to things that had presented themselves to my attention.  I analyzed moments in my head of confusion suddenly realizing what had taken place and now understanding the misinterpretation that others had perceived of me.

Considering my preferred type of communication is writing I realize I am the typical ‘looks good on paper’ type of person.  All the ‘I’s dotted and all the ‘T’s crossed in the black and white text and maybe some accentuated sarcasm revealing the clever innuendos that many people seem to overlook considering my personal intonation is missing from the text itself. I was able to snap out of my daze, remembering a specific time when my mother had attempted to help me with my introversion.  The idea was that I had to say ‘Hi’ to anyone and everyone.  Yeah…I accomplished that, but that does not completely revamp the characteristics of an introvert. 

I did a little bit of a self-assessment when I got home, again, replaying events in the last couple of weeks to get a complete understanding of what I was doing from verbal communication to body language (imitates Ursula from The Little Mermaid when saying ‘body language’).  I do not have the body language figured out yet, then again, I am not the narcissistic type person to stare at myself in the mirror on a daily basis giving myself a pep talk on how I am sooo sexy to myself.  Really?  Can we say egotistical fool?! 

Let us start with conversation.  I am not one for small talk, as you can see by this beautifully elongated post.  I am sorry, unless you want to play a game of twenty questions; I really have nothing meaningless to say to you.  I also do not like useless words or words with no meaning.  Do not tell me you are ‘sorry,’ that you ‘love’ me, or any term of endearment, especially in small talk!  I am not some cheap idiot of the street who is going to like totally say ‘like’ like every couple like minutes.  (I think my brain just exploded in that sentence, so sorry-I did not get any brains on anyone did I?)

Ok, moving on…

I do not like to waste things; times, money, words, you name it.  My time is valuable and I believe that applies to your time as well, so if you are just going to disappear, do not engage in a conversation that you believe may contain something of importance when it is just ignorant verbal vomit.  You see this here, this is I talking to YOU, and I am investing in a connection with YOU.  Got it?!  If not, let me try this…You have got ten minutes to impress me or I am walking away.  Awkward, right?  Yes, but honest and the fact that I told you does not make me rude, it just ensures the mutual value of our individuality so that we not invest in something wasted.  In reflection, it is a lot like gambling. (Give me a seven baby! No snake eyes tonight!)

First impressions are important, I know that, but I cannot, for the life of me, hold eye contact without repeating to myself, “Look into my eyes, look deep into my eyes,’ to which I am just going to end up laughing and screw the whole first impression up completely.  If it is not that then I, apparently, seem dull maybe boring or completely uninterested.  I hate to tell you, but that is not the case.  The ‘resting bitch face’ is actually a look of contemplation as I analyze things that have been done, said or anything else exchanged between the two of us.  The expression is the face of investment, giving you actual consideration and taking what you said or did seriously.  UNFORTUNATELY, I just get ‘bitch face.’  I am so sorry to those of you who do not understand this concept, but hope you would be more open to the fact that someone is not laughing at you for contemplating your wardrobe for the day or how big your muscles are or will be because there is actual consideration of a complete coherent thought. (How many of you understood that one?)

Therefore, to those of you who cannot interpret an introvert fluently, please do not assume the rapid judgement towards you or that fact that I am not jumping for joy at every one-syllable word you say as something negative.  Consider the fact that it is a compliment that someone would take the time of day to spend it with you because you possessed that one quality that sparked some interest that could lead to huge forest fire of thought provoking conversation, to which this introvert would be classified an extrovert, otherwise…why do you think I am here?

P.S.  Yes, I was jumping around like a fool full of expression throughout this whole entry.

P.S.S…I now have my resting bitch face on…Any questions?

Hindsight's Gray Area

Our lives can be considered long drawn out movies that only end when we do, playing out events and situations that include a multitude of characters that stay for the ride or enter briefly and although we play out each scene, there is no opportunity to rewind/fast forward what has taken place.  We act in the moment on instinct the same way animals do, which can at times mess things up.  It is about this time where the phrase ‘hindsight is 20/20’ gets mentioned and we think back wondering what can be improved for next time because ultimately all we want to do is improve situations in our lives.

Then there are those of us who may have a bit of a fear because even hindsight seems complicated due to variations, for instance, reactions to the same information.  Each of us has a story to tell and sometimes that story receives different reactions, which makes a person caution when the inevitable question is presented, what happened when…? 

I came across this recently and I still, to this day, do not know how to address the question in relation to significant events that occurred in my life.  So in the regular hindsight perspective, I debate if I should have kept quiet…should I have spoken up…I do not know. Gray.  I mean, it is not that I do not want to share and I want to be honest, but how do I predict this outcome before it happens? Again, gray.

I can’t, simple as that, which is why I have this perception of ‘love me or hate’ that can come off as though I am arrogant when it is actually protective armor that only the worthy would be able to break through.  Maybe this is where things in life get gray and misunderstood.  Maybe the gray area is where you can give a little on something significant without overdoing it or maybe if a person is worth it, you see the figurative armor.  Gives a bit of perspective on how things that are worth it, do not come easy, which could also suggest the quality of a person.

I understand this concept, which may be why I put in a little extra effort.  I understand what it is like to keep things at arm’s length because you are hesitant to get entangled in something that may not be completely positive.  Maybe I just wish someone understood that about me before writing me off after that one inevitable question.

Humble Labels

Recently I spoke with a friend of mine and this person triggered some anger in me that made me ask myself why I was friends with someone so arrogant and yet so ignorant.

This friend told me a story how the individual’s looks changed and all of a sudden the friend was getting, well, more attention than usual.  The friend droned on a bit and with each word coming out of the mouth on the other side of the phone, I could feel my anger grow. 

You see this person had also recently talked to me about labels.  Labels, in this conversation, referred to sexual orientation or reference any other prejudices that exist and this friend expressed not wanting to be identified by a label: ‘I am more than just [a label].  I am a person.’  Well, that is all true, but when a person becomes so narcissistically arrogant about looks or about weight, is this not taking away a person’s humanity the same way as if a label were applied?  Now instead of being associated with any of the titles above, the friend made a personal label of being ‘just a shell’ and not a person.  To me, this is a contradiction of an arrogant fool. 

Twenty-four hours later and I am still bothered by this to the point that contact with someone like this is actually damaging to any relationship because judging on one aspect of a person is not actually knowing the person as a whole. I am a female who is attracted to males, I am considered in a race defined as ‘white’ even though ‘white’ is not ACTUALLY a race, but I am also a daughter, a sister, a writer, an English graduate student, etc.  Wow!  Look at how all those labels made me a complete person.

As I continued to steam about what I now considered to be a ‘stupid friend’ (haha….another label), I thought back to a childhood movie I loved and still love to watch every now and then.  The movie was 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up.  In the movie, the boys are trying to be heroes, but instead become cocky because of their talents as ninjas, which make the grandfather angry.  The boys protest, saying they were just helping others, while the grandfather states they only did it to help themselves.  The grandfather points at a flower saying, ‘Now this, is what I meant by a correct path for a ninja…See these beautiful flowers?  You must learn to be like them.’

What does this mean? It means, listen to the flowers and listen to what they say.  The boys answer this concept at the end of the movie by realizing that the flowers say ‘Nothing.  They don’t want to show off how pretty they are.  They just wanna be pretty.’ 

No one wants to be known by ‘just’ a label and no one wants to be known ‘just’ by looks, so my question to everyone is, why put yourself in that box? Why decline one label only to embrace another that makes you even less of a human/person and just the shell of one?  Maybe I am ignorant, but I have never understood why I have to have a certain look to be worth something, then again that applies to all labels as well.

So to this friend of mine:

Learn to love yourself as a person and not a label especially if you want someone else to love you and not your label.  A relationship does thrive on looks because looks fade.  A relationship does not thrive on your sexual orientation, your race, or any other potential prejudices because it can only thrive on the person, the personality and if you do not have that…well, let’s just say you won’t survive any relationship you desire and for that, I feel sorry for you.

The Jigsaw Puzzle of Connections

Connections, associations, and relationships are what embody every aspect of our lives, which led me to the thought that science has forever proven, that all living organisms are connected in the same aspect as how every part of our bodies are connected.  I know this is nothing special nor is it a new concept, but it is one we do not consider often in our lives.  Most of us, probably like me, just mosey on through life minding our own business until we have a moment where we realize it is a small world after all.

Cheezy, I know, but hear me out. If we are all connected by six degrees of separation, does this not mean that we should be able to find each other and find that key element in a person that we so strongly desire.  

With that said, I recently went 'hunting' for that special element that gave me this feeling of being complete and lucky me, I found it. Six and a half hours of stimulating conversation with relatable topics and challenging subject matter, but then I do not know what happened because that key element disappeared with no explanation as to what would provoke such a negative response.

Many times people will look at a situation similar to this and wonder 'what did I do wrong?' when really they should be asking 'was I too right?' and although there is no jigsaw puzzle piece in that very specific spot, I feel touched at the experience even though I am disappointed it is gone.  You see, I believe that when something is truly worth it, you hold onto it, you fight for it, and you do not let it go.  I tried to hold on, in fact, I went looking for it only to end up face first into that metaphoric digital wall.

I may not be a Private Investigator,  but for now I will just smile as I move forward to my freedom because I got a taste of what my wild heart desires.  Now as I journey forward, I may hope a bit for that one jigsaw puzzle piece to come back into my life because it inspired me and I miss it, but maybe all I needed from the piece was to know that there is still hope....even if it is in a different country and reachable by a few hours. ;)

Wisdom, Courage, and Dignity

I...have some great friends and these friends have been helping me through a tough time in my life to the point where I need to take the reigns and lead onward.

There will always be a reason why you meet people.

Either you need them to change your life,

or you're the one who will change theirs.

I recently learned that I changed a person's life, but I am not quite sure the person understood what was learned.  You learn to be a friend only to dessert another, the one that stood by your side in a time of need, was there at your beck and call, and was there to show you that you are a person of importance? And what did you do?  You showed that person how unimportant the individual is to you for greener pastures.

-I was your cure and you were my disease.  I was saving you, but you were killing me.

A person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.

A person who walks alone is likely to find his/herself in places 

no one has ever been before.

This could be applied in multiple faucets. One, exploring greener pastures and two, walking away from something when it is time.  I have forgiven, but not forgotten.  I have embraced losses and stopped regretting, but I have temporarily rid myself of the memories as they were only meaningful to me at one point.  Now the same memories are reenacted with those whom I have been replace.

Never ignore a person that loves you, cares for you, and misses you

because one day you might wake up from your sleep

and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

Actions do speak louder than words.  When a person starts to do the opposite of once was you learn where you truly stand.  When the calls stop, when the communication dissipates, trust begins to dwindle, and the things said or expressed become a hypocritical contradiction you know you have lost your worth.  I have learned that I have, figuratively, stayed on the moon too long and need to pay attention to my stars. 

-Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

There comes a point when you have to realize that you'll never be good enough for some people.

The question is, is that your problem or theirs?

...and then all of a sudden she changed. 

She came back a completely different person with a new mindset,

a new outlook and a new soul.

The girl that once cared way too much about everyone and everything

no longer cared at all.

So did I learn a lesson?  Yes, I did and even though I have forgiven the person who has caused the pain, I will not forget the repeated offense.  I was told once that people in any type of relationship, defined from friendship and beyond, continuously hurt each other and sometimes it is the same offense.  The interesting part of this theory is that with the people closest to me, I have not experienced this and if so, those individuals left my life. 

However, the friends I have now have taught me something in correlation to my loss.  I seemed to have lost heart.  People whom I barely knew recognize this loss and I get this feeling that because of my loss there is a loss for them as well.  I never knew I had this much of an impression.  I was even told by a couple people, who I have only met a couple times, that due to my move I will be missed.  First, again I did not know my impact.  Second, it is nice to know when you are missed.

So with the realization of this gift, that I apparently need to find again, I have a bit more strength to move onward. 

-Without communication, there is no relationship.  Without respect, there is no love.  Without trust, there is no reason to continue.

I am going to continue with the mindset and the acknowledgment that I should not chase things that do not exist or that keep running from me.  If you are truly wanted, it will be made known.  In my lesson, I have learned that besides playing Marco Polo with my heart, I have the gift (friend) 

....who is going to confirm my deductions and my thoughts,  

.... of an ear/eye to listen/read and help rid my mind of its insane imprisonment

....of a friend who sees things in life somewhat the same as I do so I do not feel completely demented ;)

....of distraction to remind me of what is important in life, and

....of protection from someone who would be by my side in an instant.

Life is ironic in that we need to experience one thing in order to understand the opposing view.  Example: We need pain to understand happiness.  So like I stated, I have some great friends who use their talents to strengthen mine.  The value of importance and meaning, when you do not have to fight alone.  The special thing about these people is that they understand no matter my condition, I would fight for them just as hard.

The time has come and my list of goals is expanding.  I may have to do them alone.....and then again maybe not, but at least I keep moving.

Knowing when to walk away is wisdom.

Being able to is courage.

Walking away, with your head held high is dignity.

P.S. Goodbye...