Lost in Insomnia: Storm Swampside (Part 1?)

Some nights I just cannot sleep.  My mind wanders into this black hole that causes chaos deep within my mindset to that point where conscious meets its innate depths.  The moon is low shining bright against the dark of night with a glimmer of stars in the background.  The wind is unsettling, but the waves of the swamp remain calm.  The question is to let go with the intentional risk of sabotage or to remain guarded with the protection of armor, playing it safe while always in question?

I lay back against the grass feeling every little creature under squirming to scream from the weight of my body as it pushes against them.  Thank goodness many were able to escape as I understand that I am relaxing in some form of poo.  My eyes close, ignoring the squish on my back as I try to find myself by losing myself.  I have a choice to make and I cannot, for the life of me, seem to find the answer.  My head runs away, or rather my mind, figuratively hiding from the world while the rest of me has to remain facing the harsh winds that are yet to come.  

A tear falls down my face as I dread the choice I have to make, knowing that either option is a risk of pain with the understanding that the choice is potential and not utterly impossible.  The chance of desire or the chance of failure.  The focus of promise or the distraction of opportunity.  

The wind picks up harmonizing through the grass as it calms the chirping of the grasshoppers.  The moment is coming and I cannot decide.  I choose to armor myself, playing it safe with a guaranteed plan of execution that falls short in fate, but ensures survival with an imprisoned heart.  I close my mind off to possibility, fading deeper into the dark hole of my mind.

Lightening streaks across the sky.  The thunder following as it ripples the waves before me.  I remain relaxed in my mind, but for once feeling unsafe.  My choice now incorrect.  The risk no longer an option.  My fingers curl around the breast plate as I spiral deeper into the darkness.  I am frozen in fear and in the strength of my determination for survival for I have been through more hellish circumstance.

The wind dies down, taming a bit of its temper, but the lightening is unforgiving.  It strikes the tree above my body and I awaken at his scream.  My fear now replaced with sadness realizing the passing of  opportunity.  I might have been safe by taking the risk.  I might have understood his proof to me if I had taken a chance.  I may not have hardened every molecule in my body if I had just...admitted...what I was scared to face.

No you probably will not understand this, so do not even try, but I hope you enjoyed.  Thanks for reading!

Making the Most of a New Year: 2016

In the last twenty-four hours millions of people have been rehashing the choices made or the actions taken during the past year or 2015, which is a pretty typical thing to do during the turning of a new year.  I, for a good reading laugh, did not, like last year, spend the turning of the new year in the bathroom.  (I know, you all smile at that in a 'palm to forehead' moment).  

While people reflect back, they begin to make plans on improvements upon how to make the next year better by creating "resolutions". This year I did some reflecting, but with one change of only making one resolution, to not make any resolutions. (Ironic not?)  Instead, this coming new year I am going to be pushing for something a bit more.  I am going to push for accomplishing goals and ones that can potentially be achievable.

So I have the typical school and work (boy, do I sound like a boring adult), but then there is the goal to improve my health even further than the year before.  I may not be getting any younger, even though I am technically not THAT old, but I do not ever want to really feel "old," however that may feel exactly.  I want to run further, walk faster, breathe easier, and lift more than I did before.  I do not want to become big beefy looking lady, not that it is bad, it is just not what I desire.  I am proud that in leaving 2015 I have, however, been able to lift/press/push half my weight with my upper body and arms while going beyond my own weight using my legs.  Considering past years I feel this is an accomplishment that can only grow allowing me to, hopefully, this year run a 5K, Mudrun, or some sort of physical test of accomplishment that will allow me to progress to the next level.  (Whatever I decide that to be).

Another goal this  year is to try new things, one every week if possible.  Yes, this is vague and open, but that is done on purpose.  I am currently in a new town and still able to explore, so there are restaurants that I have not tried, events I MUST attend, and people I NEED to meet.  For instance, if finances allow, I want to go sky-diving.  Ok, everyone who shriveled up inside themselves can come out now.  I want to fly, to spread my arms and feel the air rush around me and through my hair.  I want this feeling of accomplishment as I face a fear proving that some part of me is invincible even if it is just my spirit...as I could break a leg during the course of my landing.  The point is, I am not going to sit here and ask the 'what if' questions anymore.  Instead of wasting time pondering I plan to make choices. Go left or right? Right.  Black or white? White.  To wait for an answer or move on? Move on.  If I have to waste time pondering, then I really did not want the answer I am pondering over.  Sometimes these answers are stronger than us and we need to just accept them and run, run wild and free.

What concerns me at times is when a person says that he/she is making every living minute of his/her life count, but then when you see them later on whether it be a few minutes, hours, months, or years, that person still has not DONE anything of substance.  I have, oddly enough, found some of these people sitting on the couch drinking a beer while laughing at some odd thing on TV.  I agree on the concept of wanting to make every minute count, but that includes those moments where I STILL need to learn to relax, to not think and just...be.  I may not know the 'true meaning of [my] existence' although I would like to explore something more that I have to offer.  I want to present something creatively, but while doing my own thing, I also want to explore the ideas and concepts of others.  I want to see the world through someone else's eyes and not as a negative form, but with the idea that there are POSSIBILITIES.  With this in mind, I want to spend more time helping others.  I have, in the past, been a person who seems to be a stepping stone for others to achieve greatness and now I want to be...a bigger stone?  I know it sounds a bit silly, although the more I help the stronger I can make the world around me.

Hmm....I seem to have stumbled across something, how strength is a bigger part of me as a person.  I do not know how many of you have read past posts, which reflect many different trials and tribulations, which offer much to be viewed on what can define strength.

So what does this year hold for me personally?
-Strength
-Facing of fears
-A bit of carelessness (within reason I suppose since I am 'a responsible adult')
-Experience
-To embrace that idea that I did something with my life instead of waste it

With that all said and done, I offer to any of you reading this to join me, even if you are just watching me from the sidelines as I smash into a tree on my sky-diving landing (this would be just my luck).  I welcome anyone who, like me, is passionate about wanting the most from live.....and then some. :-D

Opportunities in Freedom

I decided to take a break from my introverted series considering I am still doing some analysis and gathering information on body language of an introvert.  I cannot just write something without experiencing it, correct?  So today I wanted to share something that I have been fantasizing about every day after I get off work. 

Take a look at the building pictured.  Look at the structure, the height, the difference in windows, and that it faces south.  Since I have moved I have fallen in love with this building and it is not even finished yet.  I know it sounds so insignificant because who really cares about a building, but imagine the infinite possibilities.  

At night after I work out, I like to ride around town to familiarize myself with my new 'stomping grounds.'  I drive over bridges to see the lights continue beyond the horizon and then I think of what a wonderful sight it would be from the top of this building, the potential of a New York Skyline type of view, the type you only view in movies, specifically the romance ones and even though I do not want that romance with anyone in particular now, I want to just have the passionate feeling of freedom.

So I drive passed this building dreaming of myself on the roof as I watch the sun go down and once it is gone I would step to the edge of the roof, spread my arms to my sides as I looked up toward the sky, and lean forward falling toward the ground.  I know many of you are probably flabbergasted by the thought of plummeting to the ground, but that is not the thought that comes to mind.  I close my eyes imagining the air rushing passed my body because for that brief moment, I have no concerns, no responsibility, and just the rush of adrenaline to the point that it takes my breath away. Pure.  Utter.  Freedom.

www.lifedaily.com

Life weighs us down and sometimes it is hard to carry that weight around.  It is not the same as lifting weights physically, but it still comes with experience that is suppose to make us stronger.  I moved to this new town gaining clarification that I have blocked out for years and have unfortunately learned I have to face the things of my past since I can no longer just hide them away.  I have to face the truth that these things, these events and actions were real.  It is still hard for me to accept those events knowing that somewhere inside I knew better.  

The thought of jumping off this building is purely a thought of flying, flying free and that is what I want to do here in a new location.  I want to try new things, experience new things and remove all limitations from my life.  I want to remove all fear from my life because a person should not be caged up when all there is in life...is opportunity.

Dear Jiminy, I Stopped Believing in Fairy-tales....

You ever have those moments or days where suddenly everything that you once knew seems different as though you are seeing it for the first time?  Ever wonder if that moment is suppose to be 'eye opening' or 'eye closing'?  Ever wish you could go back to the way you saw things before your figurative eye sight change?

The first movie I remember seeing in the movie theater, even though my mother would beg to differ, was The Little Mermaid.  As a little girl I remember wishing my eyes were blue and sparkled like Ariel's, that my voice was as mesmerizing as hers, and that I would have a prince to be as passionate about as Eric.  I remember wanting to be her so much that I would practice my scales the same way they are sung in the movie, but even though I was nothing like her I still imagined myself as the star of my life, beautiful and precious in every way and that everyone should treat me as royalty.  Reflecting on this thought probably makes me appear that I was a spoiled brat, which I probably was until I prayed and received siblings, but in the mind of  a growing imagination my thoughts were positive in the idea of placing value on myself.

Later Disney produced the movie Beauty and the Beast, which has since been my favorite movie.  Why?  Because we can all identify with Belle and the Beast.  Some days I wake up and I feel ugly and crampy like the Beast while other times I still believe that some day I will be a princess.

It was not until a recent feeling of apathetic healing that the chant, 'I do, I do, I do believe in fairies,' entered my mind in the voice of a child and soon....it was gone leaving only the adult voice saying, 'Life is not a fairy-tale.'  This thought came to me in front of a mirror and as I looked up I could have sworn I saw the once glisten of a twinkle disappear into a tear.  My apathetic composure had suffocated the childish hope right out of me.

I began to think about the chant that entered my mind, which stemmed from the 2003 version of Peter Pan starring the blue-eyed cutie Jeremy Sumpter, and realized that my belief of a world imagined is not necessarily the avoidance of reality, but the hope and prayer of possibilities.  The fairy-tale of every Disney princess is to find a prince or find someone to share the journey and the story of your life.  The fairy-tale of Peter Pan or Robin Hood is a possibility of adventure, fighting for something better than what currently exists.  A fairy- tale exists exists to inspire that there is always something to reach for, something beyond what ever is in front of us, and the possibility of 'reaching for a star' to become something magnificent.  Do I still sound like a dreamer?

Possibilities.....hope...they start to blend together if you think about them too long until the existence of apathy moves in.  It does not mean you lose your imagination, but it does mean the temporary ending of the vision of possibilities.  I guess this is where I lost my original 'eye sight' wishing I could turn back time to once again avoid reality.  The only thing left to say is......Dear 'Jiminy', I stopped believing in fairy-tales the way you wanted me to......