Mind Control

Do you have a mind like mine?

Onethatstartstalkingtothepointyoucan'tunderstandwhatitissayinganditevendoesitinaccentstothepointwheretotalktoyourselfoutloudwithagigglebecauseitisfunnyyouaretalkingoutloudtoyourselfinanaccentandthenyourealizethatthetwopartsofyouinteractingareoronsforlaughingatyourselffor talkingtoyourselfintheaccentthatyouwanttojustslapthemandyouthink"Great,nowIhavebecomethethreestoogesinmyheadthatinteractwiththeoutsideofmyheadandthatoldladyislookingatmefunnywhilemyeyesmovesidetosidebecauseIamactuallytalkingtomyselfbothinsideandoutsidemyheadtryingtograsponetrainofthoughtandIcannotmakethisstop..."

That is only a portion of my madness, the part I allow you, the reader, to potentially understand because for the last couple weeks I cannot get any of that to shut off.  Not even a portion of it and it drives me insane to the point where I disappear from the world.  I stick music in my head, which somehow seems to calm the madness with its beats in order for me to find type of control.  Well, I think I found some, as I surface a bit.

I realize I am mad, as in angry, and the only way to deal with it or spread it, because that would be wrong, is to lock it up in a cage.  I contain this huge entity that I have taught to just sit there inside me to dwell without allowing it to be let lose.  I have not had the time for a proper release.  Between school and work I lost myself (partially because many have told me how worthless all my hard work for my graduate degree is and I will amount to nothing).

I lost myself to the thoughts of how hypocritical society is in that being a liar and sleeping with your boss is somehow rewarded with promotions, religion teaches the value of humanity yet members seem to forget their human imperfections in critiquing others, or politics somehow becomes the acceptance of murder.  I kept quiet too long, obviously.  I, figuratively, rolled around in this pile of shit for some time now, so it must be understandable when all I want to do is sit on the sidewalk with my legs curled up to my chest to watch people pass me knowing very well they are missing the bigger picture.

With all this bullocks on the mind I cannot help, but dream, everyday, of flying.  I am not talking about flying with wings or even in an airplane, but the soaring that unfortunately only last mere moments when you jump off a waterfall or skydive.  I find my mind leaving my body (and having a tough time returning) when it is soaring with the wind, doing back flips in the air only to land on the droplets of clouds to surf in the breeze passed the birds, passed the mountain tops, and into the sunset. I cannot do it though.  

So what do I do?

Any of you seen the movie Stranger Than Fiction  with Will Ferrell?  In the movie the author tries desperately to imagine different ways to die.  Lately, after all the flying, my mind tries to figure out some new death defying experience because in my mind I am completely and utterly immortal.  I cannot die.  My life won't let me!  I just cannot feel anything.

I do not have all the answers and am probably not the most sane person alive.  My grasp on life is tattered, mutilated, and an elaborate illusion that I have found to be greatly misunderstood considering many of you will not understand the run-on thought (s) above.  I'm okay with that though.  I cannot control everything, which maddens me in itself (along with everything).  Maybe the best way to handle this is to somehow figure out how to save myself from myself like I have been doing for most of my life,  I mean, I had to have lasted this far for a reason, right?...Oh yeah, it's because I'm immortal.  Silly me! ;)


This is how I feel when I fly:

Linkin Park "Somewhere I Belong"

(When this began),
I had nothing to say 
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find/that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel.(nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own.

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (Erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find That it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me.
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long(erase all the pain 'till it's gone.)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong


I will never know
myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away,
And find myself today

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain til it's gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong.

I want to heal.
I want to feel like I'm,

Somewhere I belong, Somewhere I belong.

Opportunities in Freedom

I decided to take a break from my introverted series considering I am still doing some analysis and gathering information on body language of an introvert.  I cannot just write something without experiencing it, correct?  So today I wanted to share something that I have been fantasizing about every day after I get off work. 

Take a look at the building pictured.  Look at the structure, the height, the difference in windows, and that it faces south.  Since I have moved I have fallen in love with this building and it is not even finished yet.  I know it sounds so insignificant because who really cares about a building, but imagine the infinite possibilities.  

At night after I work out, I like to ride around town to familiarize myself with my new 'stomping grounds.'  I drive over bridges to see the lights continue beyond the horizon and then I think of what a wonderful sight it would be from the top of this building, the potential of a New York Skyline type of view, the type you only view in movies, specifically the romance ones and even though I do not want that romance with anyone in particular now, I want to just have the passionate feeling of freedom.

So I drive passed this building dreaming of myself on the roof as I watch the sun go down and once it is gone I would step to the edge of the roof, spread my arms to my sides as I looked up toward the sky, and lean forward falling toward the ground.  I know many of you are probably flabbergasted by the thought of plummeting to the ground, but that is not the thought that comes to mind.  I close my eyes imagining the air rushing passed my body because for that brief moment, I have no concerns, no responsibility, and just the rush of adrenaline to the point that it takes my breath away. Pure.  Utter.  Freedom.

www.lifedaily.com

Life weighs us down and sometimes it is hard to carry that weight around.  It is not the same as lifting weights physically, but it still comes with experience that is suppose to make us stronger.  I moved to this new town gaining clarification that I have blocked out for years and have unfortunately learned I have to face the things of my past since I can no longer just hide them away.  I have to face the truth that these things, these events and actions were real.  It is still hard for me to accept those events knowing that somewhere inside I knew better.  

The thought of jumping off this building is purely a thought of flying, flying free and that is what I want to do here in a new location.  I want to try new things, experience new things and remove all limitations from my life.  I want to remove all fear from my life because a person should not be caged up when all there is in life...is opportunity.