How Six Minutes Can Affect Your Life Part 4: Feeling Alive & Love

After my jump, I felt nothing for the next few days, maybe a week.  I mean, I was proud of what I did considering I had been waiting a long time to accomplish this goal, but emotionally...complete nothingness.  It was the feeling you get after something amazing like a good movie or book and your heart just drops because...it's done.  I anticipated the probability of skydiving many years ago.  This goal then became a focus of mine that only intensified after my life was threatened because I had so much to accomplish.

After I scheduled my jump something changed in my mind.  You know those dreams you get as a child where you are flying, you are invincible, and nothing can hurt you?  I dreamt about that for about thirty days.  The feeling of suspended tranquility, unbelievable admiration, and a somehow mildly empowering feeling of accomplishment. 

Freedom.....
......complete......and utter
Freedom.

It was a place similar to what I would call limbo considering I was neither here nor there.  It is a place you may find when swimming under water or, I have been told, when doing a suspension (hanging from fish hooks?).

And then it was gone.

It was so surreal and I felt apathetic.  I felt as though I was a failure.  In the different aspects of my passed.  What did I do wrong that I ended up here with ...nothing? 

This took me awhile to adjust. I thought I was to feel alive after all that excitement and I felt dead.  I could not figure out what was wrong with me.  Then something clicked.  To many of you this will sound weird if not trite, but I had felt something I had not felt in years.  Love in its purest form.  The type you might have towards a new born child.  Do not get me wrong, I love my family and friends dearly.  I also love people in that "this is a person.  Why do you need to hurt this person?  Why does a person deserve punishment for being different than you?" type of way (too bad you cannot just stick an adult in a corner some days :P).  I had something for a bleak moment and it was gone like that.

So a part of me is lost in that at the moment.  I accept that though.  If I am patient and behave, I might get a chance to figure it out.  Love is a bit complex to figure out in one night anyway.  In the mean time, my writing has increased tremendously making me wonder if the extra oxygen levels cleared a few things or just added more air to my head for ideas to move around instead of bang into each other.  Maybe this was a process of rebirth. Pushing the "reset" button on my life? Adding more perspective because I have too much to experience yet and I just won't know it until I get there.

Why Valentine's Day Seems to Miss its Own Point.

As of a few minutes ago, Valentine's Day became official.  That is correct.  Break out the candy, the flowers, and dare I say the indulgent ever fornicating facade of love.  (Shoot! Was I daring again in my word choice?)  Yes, I believe Valentine's Day is a facade because of the required obligation it provides for society to PROVE love.  Why can I not just love you every day?  Why do I have to show or tell you "I love you" on this specific day?

Sorry folks, but I am going to preach this every year because it bugs the crap out of me how I watch everything commercialized in the thought of love that love itself becomes so fake.  Do not get me wrong in that I do not appreciate when someone thinks of me (who doesn't?), but I will always appreciate it more when it is sporadic instead of forced.  How else do you know if someone truly cares about you?  When that person did something or said something when you least expected it.  

You, my reader, are probably going to laugh at me when I say this, but I have been reading a bunch of blogs on the holiday the last couple days (partially in procrastination of my school paper-did I mention I am a master at procrastinating?) and I laugh at the stereotypes printed out there; "Oh, how I love thee" or "I f*cking hate this holiday".  I do not hate Valentine's Day, but I do not agree with what it stands for and what it does to society.

Personally, after many different life events, I appreciate the small things in life and I try my best to portray that to others.  To me, a simple hug given when you did not know a person was having a bad day, a "Good morning" note, simply acknowledging a person may look like something is wrong and need a friend (and no this is not stating a person looks like crap, which some may interpret), or maybe, considering the holiday, giving a small token resembling "I care about you" to someone not in a relationship as it seems the rest of the world couples up.  

So is it weird that my thoughts process like this?  Am I alone when I think this?  Is there anyone else who understands the concept here?

Food for thought:

I saw on social media a message stating "Any dude that waits for Valentine's Day to treat his woman like a Queen is failing 364 days of the year."  I was a bit curious, so read the comments below where a young man stated he saved up his money for this one day (one of the most expensive days of the year might I add) to "go big or go home" in proving his love (enter palm to forehead).  Prorating throughout the year or waiting for one single day?  Then I laughed because my initial thought was "What about treating a man like a King?"  Okay, now society would really categorize me as weird for this backwards train of thought considering the stereotypical thought is that this is all for the women. Pffft! 

I guess my beef is....to the person I have a committed relationship with (this includes a coupling relationship, friendship, family-ship, sinking ship, Oops!) I fell in love with you before.  I love you today, I love you tomorrow, and as long as we continue interacting in each other's lives I will continue to work on that love until you tell me...well, for lack of a better phrase,...that it needs to die.  So to all those whom I care about, no matter the type of relationship, I love you and ...make today a great one.  My other personalities and I are going to enjoy each others' company in a warm petal filled bath with a giant cup of coffee to relax. (Sounds kinky, right? and yet only some of you will understand the sarcasm in it)  Have a great day!

Games vs. Truth: The Opportunity of Choice

The inevitable love letter, the proclamation of desirable commitment, the unattainable fairy-tale, and the yearning for the triumphed conquest of the underdog.  So why do we continuously seek out this companionship, in representation, knowing very well the curse that bellows from the bottomless pit of risk?  Why do we repeatedly inflict this emotional self-mutilation upon ourselves only to endure the childish games of adult adolescence in fear of truth?  What happened to the existence of honesty, direct candor, and the understanding that not all puzzle pieces click together?  If such case existed with the fear of provoking pain, why not utter truth as it is the deception that causes more pain out of disrespect?

Maybe I am some kind of joke, but I would rather be exposed to the truth than deceived by lies or even silence.  Unfortunately, I am consumed by the misfortune of ill-fated ignorance of an incoherent thought leading only to confusion with the naive victim left in complete bewilderment.  

So the question then arises, to which truth shall be followed?

Perhaps there is no answer to the problem, but yet a resolution lying in the choice of prevention  to walk away or as I refer to it, "going off the grid."  There is no need to subject yourself to the power of another, by which "walking away" allows for self-control and choice instead of hanging onto those 'what if' questions you make your own answer.

By choice, you had a chance and did not take it without realizing that life does not allow for 'rewind' or 'do-overs'.  For this, I pity you, the one who now lacks control, for now all you have is the leftover crumbs of greatness and the rot beyond insanity that dwells in the void of unfinished business.  I pray for mercy upon you as the once established hope no longer exists as an entity of worth, but an attribute of shame as it is annihilated from its very essence, one so pure that it is inexhaustibly misunderstood.

So I look at you now with the augmented understanding assimilated to the phrase "Fuck You" as I recognize the actuality of something almost inspiring as a piece of me still defends the ever-ending hopeless attraction with the utter farewell.  However, the unfolding truth that hope is for the fool, while the determination for fulfillment is for the insightful, realizing that waiting for a response is not as effective as ascertaining one's own intentions.

~Thank you...

Opportunities in Freedom

I decided to take a break from my introverted series considering I am still doing some analysis and gathering information on body language of an introvert.  I cannot just write something without experiencing it, correct?  So today I wanted to share something that I have been fantasizing about every day after I get off work. 

Take a look at the building pictured.  Look at the structure, the height, the difference in windows, and that it faces south.  Since I have moved I have fallen in love with this building and it is not even finished yet.  I know it sounds so insignificant because who really cares about a building, but imagine the infinite possibilities.  

At night after I work out, I like to ride around town to familiarize myself with my new 'stomping grounds.'  I drive over bridges to see the lights continue beyond the horizon and then I think of what a wonderful sight it would be from the top of this building, the potential of a New York Skyline type of view, the type you only view in movies, specifically the romance ones and even though I do not want that romance with anyone in particular now, I want to just have the passionate feeling of freedom.

So I drive passed this building dreaming of myself on the roof as I watch the sun go down and once it is gone I would step to the edge of the roof, spread my arms to my sides as I looked up toward the sky, and lean forward falling toward the ground.  I know many of you are probably flabbergasted by the thought of plummeting to the ground, but that is not the thought that comes to mind.  I close my eyes imagining the air rushing passed my body because for that brief moment, I have no concerns, no responsibility, and just the rush of adrenaline to the point that it takes my breath away. Pure.  Utter.  Freedom.

www.lifedaily.com

Life weighs us down and sometimes it is hard to carry that weight around.  It is not the same as lifting weights physically, but it still comes with experience that is suppose to make us stronger.  I moved to this new town gaining clarification that I have blocked out for years and have unfortunately learned I have to face the things of my past since I can no longer just hide them away.  I have to face the truth that these things, these events and actions were real.  It is still hard for me to accept those events knowing that somewhere inside I knew better.  

The thought of jumping off this building is purely a thought of flying, flying free and that is what I want to do here in a new location.  I want to try new things, experience new things and remove all limitations from my life.  I want to remove all fear from my life because a person should not be caged up when all there is in life...is opportunity.

Humble Labels

Recently I spoke with a friend of mine and this person triggered some anger in me that made me ask myself why I was friends with someone so arrogant and yet so ignorant.

This friend told me a story how the individual’s looks changed and all of a sudden the friend was getting, well, more attention than usual.  The friend droned on a bit and with each word coming out of the mouth on the other side of the phone, I could feel my anger grow. 

You see this person had also recently talked to me about labels.  Labels, in this conversation, referred to sexual orientation or reference any other prejudices that exist and this friend expressed not wanting to be identified by a label: ‘I am more than just [a label].  I am a person.’  Well, that is all true, but when a person becomes so narcissistically arrogant about looks or about weight, is this not taking away a person’s humanity the same way as if a label were applied?  Now instead of being associated with any of the titles above, the friend made a personal label of being ‘just a shell’ and not a person.  To me, this is a contradiction of an arrogant fool. 

Twenty-four hours later and I am still bothered by this to the point that contact with someone like this is actually damaging to any relationship because judging on one aspect of a person is not actually knowing the person as a whole. I am a female who is attracted to males, I am considered in a race defined as ‘white’ even though ‘white’ is not ACTUALLY a race, but I am also a daughter, a sister, a writer, an English graduate student, etc.  Wow!  Look at how all those labels made me a complete person.

As I continued to steam about what I now considered to be a ‘stupid friend’ (haha….another label), I thought back to a childhood movie I loved and still love to watch every now and then.  The movie was 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up.  In the movie, the boys are trying to be heroes, but instead become cocky because of their talents as ninjas, which make the grandfather angry.  The boys protest, saying they were just helping others, while the grandfather states they only did it to help themselves.  The grandfather points at a flower saying, ‘Now this, is what I meant by a correct path for a ninja…See these beautiful flowers?  You must learn to be like them.’

What does this mean? It means, listen to the flowers and listen to what they say.  The boys answer this concept at the end of the movie by realizing that the flowers say ‘Nothing.  They don’t want to show off how pretty they are.  They just wanna be pretty.’ 

No one wants to be known by ‘just’ a label and no one wants to be known ‘just’ by looks, so my question to everyone is, why put yourself in that box? Why decline one label only to embrace another that makes you even less of a human/person and just the shell of one?  Maybe I am ignorant, but I have never understood why I have to have a certain look to be worth something, then again that applies to all labels as well.

So to this friend of mine:

Learn to love yourself as a person and not a label especially if you want someone else to love you and not your label.  A relationship does thrive on looks because looks fade.  A relationship does not thrive on your sexual orientation, your race, or any other potential prejudices because it can only thrive on the person, the personality and if you do not have that…well, let’s just say you won’t survive any relationship you desire and for that, I feel sorry for you.

The Purest of Loves is in Innocence

This week has been hard for me as I realize the cost of mistakes.  My mistake in trusting the wrong person cost me two things I love the most in the world: my dogs.  I know many people would say that 'Well, it is only a dog.  It is not a person,' but what those people do not understand is that like a humans, pets have their own personalities also and realize things that we probably cannot fathom. Hell, I can only imagine the secrets my dogs could have told you.

I think back if I had not screwed up I would not be where I am in my life and would have been able to care for my dogs.  Recently I had to let go of my dog Charlie because I could not care for him financially and if I did make up the finances I did not have the proper time for him.  So I made the hardest decision of my life and let him go knowing this is better for him even if it does not feel better for me.

For the past few days, I have cried and slept out of pure depression that something is missing from my life. I do not feel whole.  Actually, I have to laugh as I have become a dog stalker. :P I watch the humane society's website, waiting for his picture to disappear so I know that he has found a home.  I felt that I abandoned him as he had been returned to a shelter before I adopted him and when I needed him, he tried to protect me from being physically abused by my ex and this is how I repay him?  No, this is how I repay him by giving him the opportunity to live with a family that can better care for him.




Charlie (Click on the link to see full profile)

While dog stalking, I found his profile one day noticing that an actual picture got posted.  Still feeling regretful for what I did, I noticed he was smiling, a genuine smile I had come very accustom to seeing on a daily basis.  I still watch over him from afar learning a little bit each day what true love is.

True love is innocent and pure.  It is not complicated and feels right as if it is perfect just the way it is in all its imperfections.  I am not saying there is not going to be complications along the journey and I am not going to say there is not going to be bumps and bruises from the battles, but it is something that is strong enough to withstand the storm.  Now I may know this in my head, but that does not make it any easier for me to accept from the people who are coming into my life.  I caution my trust and walk the fine line to 'expect the worst and pray for the best,' which I have learned may keep these new people at arms length while prohibiting me from experiencing something I deserve as well.  

So I come to the conclusion that love is actually simple.  Charlie was the simplest thing in my life, yet complicated in that I had to find the proper time for him.  I still love him dearly and pray someone, somewhere will be able to love this simply innocent animal as well.

Not Feeling the Love on Valentine's Day

For the next few hours people, mainly couples, are enjoying the idea love, which is the main focus of Valentine's Day.  Many of you who know me personally know that I do not like this holiday because to me it is setting up an obligation to say 'I love you.'  What about the other 364 days of the year? Do you not love me during those days? Not to mention the stereotypical thought of the man getting his wife or girlfriend something sweet like candy or jewelry.

Let's think about this a bit. Couples are now redefined so the stereotype should no longer exist, yet how many times do we hear about the wife or girlfriend getting the man something for Valentine's Day?  Not to mention society includes same-sex couples, leaving the stereotype thought completely diminished.

Do I need to mention the candy and jewelry?  We will start with the candy thought.  Yes, candy is nice and sweet and for interpretation sake translates to "...it was cheap at Walmart, but I know you like the caramel filled ones." (enter eye roll here).  Personally, I do not mind candy so much because of 'the thought that counts.'  However, it if February, two months into the new year directly after everyone, especially women, have made New Year's Resolutions to lose weight.  Now is that something you want to deal with when you give candy?  I guess I would not, but then again I would hope the other person is smart enough to know that I do not want candy. Jewelry is also typical because of the 'ooooo, shiny' affect it has on people.  Again, all thought and no substance even though I would not necessarily turn it down as I do like to accessorize with jewelry. (I did receive two very thoughtful pieces of jewelry recently that matched my personality and were not generic pieces.  That personal touch gives the piece meaning, which makes it important to me)

Flowers.  Think of the billions of dollars that are spent on flowers, specifically red roses, each year during Valentine's Day, not to mention how much the price is increased for demand.  This is stereotypical also.  Again, I would not turn it down, but I would not appreciate it as much because it is expected.  Now receiving dead roses, that is not expected, but nor is it appreciated. (Yes, that was sarcastic)

I guess my main problem is the obligation of an emotion that society throws around as a meaningless phrase.  People say 'I love you' everyday, but their actions do not reflect this as maybe there is abuse, infidelity, or maybe after all these years the spark is missing.  When I tell a person I love them, it is because I genuinely love that person and not because some significant title required me to say it.  I want the person who is going to love me 365 days of the year and not just one.  I want the person who is going to love me because that person truly has that feeling towards me and not because everyone around that person expected it to be said.  I also do not want Valentine's Day to be just about couples...you know, the ones that get all mushy making the rest of us want to gag.

I am not saying I would not appreciate the sentiment on Valentine's either.  I remember once in high school, a time where I was never coupled up, where I received flowers from my closest friends while they received them from their boyfriends at the time.  That is true love.  I have also received a mint and the specified Coke Zero used to put a smile on my face after a bad day.  That is true love. Actual true love is the thought beyond the stereotype, something personal. For me? Grab me a good book, a journal to write in, and a cup of coffee and I am on cloud nine ;)

To my true friends and family....I will never stop saying it, I love you all very much. And for shits and giggles :P HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.  

Statement of Fear

Today I was thinking about all the different things I could be doing other than being at work, like laundry, dishes, and there was the thought of my statement of purpose for grad school.  It will sound silly to most of you who read this because the piece is required to have 200-500 words explaining 'why me?' for this program.  I will say it also took me awhile to figure out what piece of my personal writing to submit also, which I did find after some inspiration reflecting that I understand fiction and can analyze it.

I still have a little time before my statement of purpose it due, still I am afraid that what I write will not be 'good enough.'  Yes, I will say I am a verbal artist even though for this piece I am utterly...speechless? wordless? artistically useless?  I want to express how every day I wake up wanting to put a pen in my hand and watch the ink bleed into the paper creating an imaginative world with adventures and journeys outside of reality or that I crave the smooth water-like feeling of computer keys against my figures as the words visually create brush strokes with no brush.  How do I express something I am so passionate about that if it does not exist I would feel a part of me died as this if my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to bed?  I keep writing this piece to submit over and over because I do not think what I am writing is 'good enough,' even by my own standard, then again I am a perfectionist who fears failure.

This week I realized my statement of purpose is not my only fear in relation to writing.  Winter is among us and my hands hurt to the point of tears, at least lately.  Within the last year I saw a rheumatologist who told me that I have Psoriatic Arthritis, which affects my skin and my joints.  A long time ago, sometime after my siblings and I had lice, I saw a doctor who told me I had Psoriasis, which is a skin disease where my skin cells develop faster than normal that eventually create itchy scaly patches in specific parts of my body.  Psoriasis is an autoimmune disease, meaning my body is basically attacking itself. (Side note from my morbid sense of humor: Could this be considered an uncontrollable type of suicide?-I apologize if that is not funny to you, but I am not a serious persona at heart).  The arthritis that is developed in people who have Psoriasis is also autoimmune mainly in the joints, leaving them swollen and sometimes a bit unmanageable.

Are you wondering why I told you all this yet?  If you must know, I am a very independent person to the point that sometimes I believe it is better to just depend on yourself so that no one else can hurt you or let you down.  With this theory in mind, I am scared that someday my hands will let me down and I will have to be on some form of disability, unable to write or express all the passion I have inside for things in life.  This is my weakness and I am not meant to be weak!  

I understand there are worse things out there, diseases more severe that take away pieces of people, but that does not necessarily make my fear or their fear any different  because these things take away a piece of the people they inhabit.  Now, I feel for those people, I really do, but for the purpose of this entry I am telling my story from my point of view knowing that somewhere someone has similar feelings and they are not alone.  Each moment my fingers grow cold, swell up more than usual, or just become utterly painful I do cry because I am not only losing my fingers, but an entity of me and I have already lost myself once in my lifetime.  That, however, is another story, but I am not going to end this post on a 'woe is me note,' because that is not me.  

I have learned, in the last couple years, that the things we fear the most are the things we want/need the most.  I want to write and I need to write because I cannot... no...I will not let a piece of me die.  So like any other strong person facing an obstacle, I prolong the inevitable as long as I can through the use of medication, keeping my hands warm, exercising regularly to keep my blood flowing properly like I did with my knees, and continue to write what I can.  I guess you could almost compare this to the saying of 'it is better to loved and lost, than to have never loved at all' because as long as I do what I love, I cannot feel lost. (Excuse me, time to warm up the hands :P)