"Work doesn't define you, _______"

I was recently told this statement within the last week as journey into the break up of one relationship into the establishment of another.  This statement range true in my mind and yet it puzzled me on what actually defines me.  Hard work?  Determination?  Strength?  Although I have preached many times on strength as it is a term that has taken me far in the last couple years considering how many times I have shoved or smacked down in my own personal life.  Getting back up is a struggle...for anyone at times and strength is no longer defined by the physical core of a human.  Strength has become the tool of another entity:  determination.

Where is this established and how is it made?  Struggles, the reactions we choose once we meet the pavement.  I see many people these days give up, not only kissing the pavement because they have been knocked down, but then kissing it to establish a relationship where they choose not to get up.  They lie there expecting that things will be handed to them not knowing that the hand to help them up can only reach so far in order to not become victim to the pavement also. 

I might say that I consider myself lucky some days because I had parents who instilled in me a bit of a fight, one that at one time saved my life.  At a young age, I spent a lot of time with my mother and I watched how she raised my siblings and I on what seemed like next to nothing financially, but included things beyond money and material items:  the value of a team/family.  My father then taught me to challenge things, to question norms, and expect explanations whether logical or not.

What does this have to do with the statement titling this entry?  I go to work to my team/family multiple days of the week determined to contribute to the success of the team.  What does that mean?  In short, I figure out how I can benefit my professional family and leave it in better condition than when I left it.  I do this through the drive to provide quality work, to mark off tasks on the team's "checklist", and through helping my professional family members personally and professionally.  I am determined to achieve success in many aspects of life, professionally in this case, but I am NOT going to leave anyone behind who presents the willingness of success as well.  To me, success does not include one person, but includes many and my success is their success (can we say how trite/cliche that sounds? LOL).  

So the state, "Work doesn't define you, _______" was tossed at me because my passion burned a bit deep and I gave too much of myself as I ran into a moment of derailment.  Is there such thing as too much determination?  Too much fight?  Yes, when it takes over who you are to the point that success is just that and lacks in quality.  Sometimes it takes a person a bit of a verbal slap to the face to show you that "I understand, but you need to remain true to yourself also."  Derailing is how to lose one's self while  verbal vomiting is a procedure to fix your your engine. ;)  

This statement does not stop here, but allows for provoking thought.  So what defines a person?  What defines you?  What puzzle pieces reflect you?  Maybe, what defines us are the things we want in life (beyond material assets, of course).  I was not intended to find an answer here or even define one today, but I did want to share in this thought to see what people came up with for themselves.  Feel free to share and if not....enjoy!

Making the Most of a New Year: 2016

In the last twenty-four hours millions of people have been rehashing the choices made or the actions taken during the past year or 2015, which is a pretty typical thing to do during the turning of a new year.  I, for a good reading laugh, did not, like last year, spend the turning of the new year in the bathroom.  (I know, you all smile at that in a 'palm to forehead' moment).  

While people reflect back, they begin to make plans on improvements upon how to make the next year better by creating "resolutions". This year I did some reflecting, but with one change of only making one resolution, to not make any resolutions. (Ironic not?)  Instead, this coming new year I am going to be pushing for something a bit more.  I am going to push for accomplishing goals and ones that can potentially be achievable.

So I have the typical school and work (boy, do I sound like a boring adult), but then there is the goal to improve my health even further than the year before.  I may not be getting any younger, even though I am technically not THAT old, but I do not ever want to really feel "old," however that may feel exactly.  I want to run further, walk faster, breathe easier, and lift more than I did before.  I do not want to become big beefy looking lady, not that it is bad, it is just not what I desire.  I am proud that in leaving 2015 I have, however, been able to lift/press/push half my weight with my upper body and arms while going beyond my own weight using my legs.  Considering past years I feel this is an accomplishment that can only grow allowing me to, hopefully, this year run a 5K, Mudrun, or some sort of physical test of accomplishment that will allow me to progress to the next level.  (Whatever I decide that to be).

Another goal this  year is to try new things, one every week if possible.  Yes, this is vague and open, but that is done on purpose.  I am currently in a new town and still able to explore, so there are restaurants that I have not tried, events I MUST attend, and people I NEED to meet.  For instance, if finances allow, I want to go sky-diving.  Ok, everyone who shriveled up inside themselves can come out now.  I want to fly, to spread my arms and feel the air rush around me and through my hair.  I want this feeling of accomplishment as I face a fear proving that some part of me is invincible even if it is just my spirit...as I could break a leg during the course of my landing.  The point is, I am not going to sit here and ask the 'what if' questions anymore.  Instead of wasting time pondering I plan to make choices. Go left or right? Right.  Black or white? White.  To wait for an answer or move on? Move on.  If I have to waste time pondering, then I really did not want the answer I am pondering over.  Sometimes these answers are stronger than us and we need to just accept them and run, run wild and free.

What concerns me at times is when a person says that he/she is making every living minute of his/her life count, but then when you see them later on whether it be a few minutes, hours, months, or years, that person still has not DONE anything of substance.  I have, oddly enough, found some of these people sitting on the couch drinking a beer while laughing at some odd thing on TV.  I agree on the concept of wanting to make every minute count, but that includes those moments where I STILL need to learn to relax, to not think and just...be.  I may not know the 'true meaning of [my] existence' although I would like to explore something more that I have to offer.  I want to present something creatively, but while doing my own thing, I also want to explore the ideas and concepts of others.  I want to see the world through someone else's eyes and not as a negative form, but with the idea that there are POSSIBILITIES.  With this in mind, I want to spend more time helping others.  I have, in the past, been a person who seems to be a stepping stone for others to achieve greatness and now I want to be...a bigger stone?  I know it sounds a bit silly, although the more I help the stronger I can make the world around me.

Hmm....I seem to have stumbled across something, how strength is a bigger part of me as a person.  I do not know how many of you have read past posts, which reflect many different trials and tribulations, which offer much to be viewed on what can define strength.

So what does this year hold for me personally?
-Strength
-Facing of fears
-A bit of carelessness (within reason I suppose since I am 'a responsible adult')
-Experience
-To embrace that idea that I did something with my life instead of waste it

With that all said and done, I offer to any of you reading this to join me, even if you are just watching me from the sidelines as I smash into a tree on my sky-diving landing (this would be just my luck).  I welcome anyone who, like me, is passionate about wanting the most from live.....and then some. :-D

One Personal Limit; The Personal Wall

I recently read an article by Alexia LaFata called If You're Friends First, Then You're More Likely To Have A Successful Relationship that discusses the giving of one's self to another and I am not talking in reference to intercourse.  I am talking about allowing another person to know everything about you like where you came from, what you have done in your life until that moment, and the things that make you the craziest person the individual is ever going to meet.  For me, it is the last option that troubles me.

Admittedly, like any other person, I have had my share of trials and tribulations (ah hell I'm still sailing that ship), but I have succeeded to keep my infamous 'wall' up in fear.  You see, humans are animals of habit and after X amount of years of doing things on my own it is hard to allow someone else to offer up their arms to catch me if I fall.  When I needed help financially I found a way to do things myself because I did not want to be in debt to anyone.  When it came to making hard decisions I may consult with close friends, but ultimately I had a habit of taking the hardest task and finding a way to survive it.  I probably could name a few more details here and there, but at one point in my life things were secure and somehow I lost control.


So after building this mental strength I began to think that 'if I do it myself, I am not in debt to anyone and if I fail it is my fault and no one else's.'  Makes sense, right?

It is at this point that I appreciate that you can never stop learning no matter your age knowing that everything you knew before has loopholes or tangents off into another direction you were not completely prepared.  I will admit that there have been people whom I wanted to share information with, whom I wanted tell everything about myself to, or that I just wanted to verbally vomit/pour myself out to although some things got in the way and prevented that one proverbial brick to be moved.  Some instances the individual did not listen because what that person had to share was more important.  Other times I may have shared enough that it was like a terribly loaded gun and backfired on me.  What inevitably happens is pain and no one likes pain.  Some people can deal with it while others get stabbed to the extreme that it is hard to let go of what little you can control.  

Some of what holds a sense of security is the value of life.  To me, when the other person becomes more valuable than your own life there is the creation of a risk to have that 'wall' fall, but if that security is not returned it is hard to let go.  It is like the safety net at the circus for the trapeze artists, if the net is not secure there is no performance, there is no room for error should you need to let go and be caught.  So how do we determine the 'net' is secure?  Well, that is a personal standard.  I, for instance, am not one to respond to a look on a person's face that says, 'Yeah? Ok.  Cool.  Say did you know that I...'  So much for listening, huh?  

It is tough to allow a guest inside in hopes that person will stay, but we try over and over again.  I will only admit it here, but as much as I try to stay completely closed I still have to peek over the wall.  I also try to be the person I want in my  life whether it is through a random card sent in the mail as a 'hug' when there are miles that separate two people, the surprise of waiting at a vehicle with a Coke and mint to initiate a caring conversation, or any other random act that says,'I know you needed this and because it matters to you, it matters to me.'  Making the things that are relevant to others significant to you is the path to the 'wall,'...where a door can be made to let you in.:D

Statement of Fear

Today I was thinking about all the different things I could be doing other than being at work, like laundry, dishes, and there was the thought of my statement of purpose for grad school.  It will sound silly to most of you who read this because the piece is required to have 200-500 words explaining 'why me?' for this program.  I will say it also took me awhile to figure out what piece of my personal writing to submit also, which I did find after some inspiration reflecting that I understand fiction and can analyze it.

I still have a little time before my statement of purpose it due, still I am afraid that what I write will not be 'good enough.'  Yes, I will say I am a verbal artist even though for this piece I am utterly...speechless? wordless? artistically useless?  I want to express how every day I wake up wanting to put a pen in my hand and watch the ink bleed into the paper creating an imaginative world with adventures and journeys outside of reality or that I crave the smooth water-like feeling of computer keys against my figures as the words visually create brush strokes with no brush.  How do I express something I am so passionate about that if it does not exist I would feel a part of me died as this if my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to bed?  I keep writing this piece to submit over and over because I do not think what I am writing is 'good enough,' even by my own standard, then again I am a perfectionist who fears failure.

This week I realized my statement of purpose is not my only fear in relation to writing.  Winter is among us and my hands hurt to the point of tears, at least lately.  Within the last year I saw a rheumatologist who told me that I have Psoriatic Arthritis, which affects my skin and my joints.  A long time ago, sometime after my siblings and I had lice, I saw a doctor who told me I had Psoriasis, which is a skin disease where my skin cells develop faster than normal that eventually create itchy scaly patches in specific parts of my body.  Psoriasis is an autoimmune disease, meaning my body is basically attacking itself. (Side note from my morbid sense of humor: Could this be considered an uncontrollable type of suicide?-I apologize if that is not funny to you, but I am not a serious persona at heart).  The arthritis that is developed in people who have Psoriasis is also autoimmune mainly in the joints, leaving them swollen and sometimes a bit unmanageable.

Are you wondering why I told you all this yet?  If you must know, I am a very independent person to the point that sometimes I believe it is better to just depend on yourself so that no one else can hurt you or let you down.  With this theory in mind, I am scared that someday my hands will let me down and I will have to be on some form of disability, unable to write or express all the passion I have inside for things in life.  This is my weakness and I am not meant to be weak!  

I understand there are worse things out there, diseases more severe that take away pieces of people, but that does not necessarily make my fear or their fear any different  because these things take away a piece of the people they inhabit.  Now, I feel for those people, I really do, but for the purpose of this entry I am telling my story from my point of view knowing that somewhere someone has similar feelings and they are not alone.  Each moment my fingers grow cold, swell up more than usual, or just become utterly painful I do cry because I am not only losing my fingers, but an entity of me and I have already lost myself once in my lifetime.  That, however, is another story, but I am not going to end this post on a 'woe is me note,' because that is not me.  

I have learned, in the last couple years, that the things we fear the most are the things we want/need the most.  I want to write and I need to write because I cannot... no...I will not let a piece of me die.  So like any other strong person facing an obstacle, I prolong the inevitable as long as I can through the use of medication, keeping my hands warm, exercising regularly to keep my blood flowing properly like I did with my knees, and continue to write what I can.  I guess you could almost compare this to the saying of 'it is better to loved and lost, than to have never loved at all' because as long as I do what I love, I cannot feel lost. (Excuse me, time to warm up the hands :P)