In the last twenty-four hours millions of people have been rehashing the choices made or the actions taken during the past year or 2015, which is a pretty typical thing to do during the turning of a new year. I, for a good reading laugh, did not, like last year, spend the turning of the new year in the bathroom. (I know, you all smile at that in a 'palm to forehead' moment).
While people reflect back, they begin to make plans on improvements upon how to make the next year better by creating "resolutions". This year I did some reflecting, but with one change of only making one resolution, to not make any resolutions. (Ironic not?) Instead, this coming new year I am going to be pushing for something a bit more. I am going to push for accomplishing goals and ones that can potentially be achievable.
So I have the typical school and work (boy, do I sound like a boring adult), but then there is the goal to improve my health even further than the year before. I may not be getting any younger, even though I am technically not THAT old, but I do not ever want to really feel "old," however that may feel exactly. I want to run further, walk faster, breathe easier, and lift more than I did before. I do not want to become big beefy looking lady, not that it is bad, it is just not what I desire. I am proud that in leaving 2015 I have, however, been able to lift/press/push half my weight with my upper body and arms while going beyond my own weight using my legs. Considering past years I feel this is an accomplishment that can only grow allowing me to, hopefully, this year run a 5K, Mudrun, or some sort of physical test of accomplishment that will allow me to progress to the next level. (Whatever I decide that to be).
Another goal this year is to try new things, one every week if possible. Yes, this is vague and open, but that is done on purpose. I am currently in a new town and still able to explore, so there are restaurants that I have not tried, events I MUST attend, and people I NEED to meet. For instance, if finances allow, I want to go sky-diving. Ok, everyone who shriveled up inside themselves can come out now. I want to fly, to spread my arms and feel the air rush around me and through my hair. I want this feeling of accomplishment as I face a fear proving that some part of me is invincible even if it is just my spirit...as I could break a leg during the course of my landing. The point is, I am not going to sit here and ask the 'what if' questions anymore. Instead of wasting time pondering I plan to make choices. Go left or right? Right. Black or white? White. To wait for an answer or move on? Move on. If I have to waste time pondering, then I really did not want the answer I am pondering over. Sometimes these answers are stronger than us and we need to just accept them and run, run wild and free.
What concerns me at times is when a person says that he/she is making every living minute of his/her life count, but then when you see them later on whether it be a few minutes, hours, months, or years, that person still has not DONE anything of substance. I have, oddly enough, found some of these people sitting on the couch drinking a beer while laughing at some odd thing on TV. I agree on the concept of wanting to make every minute count, but that includes those moments where I STILL need to learn to relax, to not think and just...be. I may not know the 'true meaning of [my] existence' although I would like to explore something more that I have to offer. I want to present something creatively, but while doing my own thing, I also want to explore the ideas and concepts of others. I want to see the world through someone else's eyes and not as a negative form, but with the idea that there are POSSIBILITIES. With this in mind, I want to spend more time helping others. I have, in the past, been a person who seems to be a stepping stone for others to achieve greatness and now I want to be...a bigger stone? I know it sounds a bit silly, although the more I help the stronger I can make the world around me.
Hmm....I seem to have stumbled across something, how strength is a bigger part of me as a person. I do not know how many of you have read past posts, which reflect many different trials and tribulations, which offer much to be viewed on what can define strength.
So what does this year hold for me personally?
-Strength
-Facing of fears
-A bit of carelessness (within reason I suppose since I am 'a responsible adult')
-Experience
-To embrace that idea that I did something with my life instead of waste it
With that all said and done, I offer to any of you reading this to join me, even if you are just watching me from the sidelines as I smash into a tree on my sky-diving landing (this would be just my luck). I welcome anyone who, like me, is passionate about wanting the most from live.....and then some. :-D
The new year has started and I feel as though I am letting people down since I am not jumping off the ceiling happy-go-lucky over the increase of a number. I will admit that I am a numbers person when I keep track of things or record things like money, pounds lost, inches of muscle, credit score, and funds for bills, but I have never felt the stereotypical ditzy blonde feeling of a new year. This does not mean that I do not make a few common resolutions as I am in support of improving one's self; however, that happens about once a month for me instead of every year. (Actually it happens about once a week now that I think about it).
So this past New Year's Eve, I went out with a great friend who I knew understood that 2014 was not the easiest of years, for either of us, but that did not take away from our positive attitudes that life gets better and it did not change that we are both purely awesome people to whom it would be a privilege to meet. I was not able to break in the new year with this friend, as I went home a bit early to nurture a major headache. I actually started the new year in the most appropriate place, in the restroom. I know, minor TMI moment, but if you think about it, metaphorically perfect in that since 2014 sucked for me, it is positive that I trash it/flush it and move on. I'm so sorry, but I laugh every time I think of that moment because who does that unless they are bowing to the porcelain god from over drinking of alcoholic beverages. That was not my reasoning at all.
My first day of the year was spent lounging around relaxing to collect all my thoughts realizing that my biggest survival kit was all the new people I had met this past year. Signifies a very 'out with the old, in with the new' type of moment of reflection. I have not seen many of these people lately, due to a goal I have set for this year. My one and only goal: move away from where I currently live. For the last month, I have worked two part time jobs, one full time job, and gone to school with a small ability to go to the gym every now and then. It is a huge sacrifice of time, but I feel sacrifice makes everything worth the trouble. However, there are those people in my life who are concerned for my sacrifice that loosing that much time will exhaust me without time for my personal battery to reset and that I might sever some connections with certain people.
I laugh at these two concerns because one: I have always had more than one task/job since I was 14 years old, so I am accustom to being busy and if something/someone is valuable to me I make the time. Two: I do not leave good friends, valued friends, those people who you know your life would change for the worse if they were gone. I will say I am glad social media exists for this reason as I am able to see what is new in other's lives or obtain inspiration through the small things in life they do without them realizing they made an impact on my life. Then I reflect back and realize how hard of a task this is for me.
In 2014 I joined the YMCA to basically disappear in a crowd the same way people do on a New York city street, but somehow I ended up standing out. Part of me wanted to run after this realization while something held me back and it was not until I received an email today that I realized that all the bumps, bruises, and scarring in my life do not necessary mean that you are healed properly enough to function. I know that sounds very harsh, but I am referring to connections. I did a favor for a friend to review a written piece of work for him only to get the most business like formatted 'thank you' email. I chuckled a bit because this friend has complained how businesses send out rejection letters that are impersonal and here the friend sends me, his actual friend a similarly formatted email. My response acknowledged how ' [the email] reflects the cookie cutter impersonal type business type letter that distinctly annihilates any connection.' I know....a bit harsh, but true. It made me understand how there are people in my life who I am scared to lose as well, so my response is to run and sever any ties or connections with the thought that 'well, if this is the last time I see you then it won't hurt as much because we left on my terms, my choice.' Silly thought, huh? [Silly ol' bear].
With the idea of improving and it only being the second day of 2015, I want to improve upon my patience for myself and tolerate the steps I take to improve my mental traps that keep me from depending on only myself when I should be able to trust another. I understand that people are not in your life forever, but I do believe they should be there until you are both ready to let go, but maybe I need to stop mutilating connections where I would need to suppress pain and learn to embrace a bit of pain. Maybe 2015 is a year for me to redeem all my scarring.
For the rest of you out there reading this, I hope for a happy new year, one of pain and sorrow to appreciate those joyous moments in our lives. I pray for growth in any aspect of your lives, but with the gift of something/someone to keep you grounded. Finally, I pray for more reading enjoyment from this blog that makes you smirk out the side of your mouth whispering in your head, "I.V, you dork" Happy New Year!!
