Wisdom, Courage, and Dignity

I...have some great friends and these friends have been helping me through a tough time in my life to the point where I need to take the reigns and lead onward.

There will always be a reason why you meet people.

Either you need them to change your life,

or you're the one who will change theirs.

I recently learned that I changed a person's life, but I am not quite sure the person understood what was learned.  You learn to be a friend only to dessert another, the one that stood by your side in a time of need, was there at your beck and call, and was there to show you that you are a person of importance? And what did you do?  You showed that person how unimportant the individual is to you for greener pastures.

-I was your cure and you were my disease.  I was saving you, but you were killing me.

A person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.

A person who walks alone is likely to find his/herself in places 

no one has ever been before.

This could be applied in multiple faucets. One, exploring greener pastures and two, walking away from something when it is time.  I have forgiven, but not forgotten.  I have embraced losses and stopped regretting, but I have temporarily rid myself of the memories as they were only meaningful to me at one point.  Now the same memories are reenacted with those whom I have been replace.

Never ignore a person that loves you, cares for you, and misses you

because one day you might wake up from your sleep

and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

Actions do speak louder than words.  When a person starts to do the opposite of once was you learn where you truly stand.  When the calls stop, when the communication dissipates, trust begins to dwindle, and the things said or expressed become a hypocritical contradiction you know you have lost your worth.  I have learned that I have, figuratively, stayed on the moon too long and need to pay attention to my stars. 

-Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

There comes a point when you have to realize that you'll never be good enough for some people.

The question is, is that your problem or theirs?

...and then all of a sudden she changed. 

She came back a completely different person with a new mindset,

a new outlook and a new soul.

The girl that once cared way too much about everyone and everything

no longer cared at all.

So did I learn a lesson?  Yes, I did and even though I have forgiven the person who has caused the pain, I will not forget the repeated offense.  I was told once that people in any type of relationship, defined from friendship and beyond, continuously hurt each other and sometimes it is the same offense.  The interesting part of this theory is that with the people closest to me, I have not experienced this and if so, those individuals left my life. 

However, the friends I have now have taught me something in correlation to my loss.  I seemed to have lost heart.  People whom I barely knew recognize this loss and I get this feeling that because of my loss there is a loss for them as well.  I never knew I had this much of an impression.  I was even told by a couple people, who I have only met a couple times, that due to my move I will be missed.  First, again I did not know my impact.  Second, it is nice to know when you are missed.

So with the realization of this gift, that I apparently need to find again, I have a bit more strength to move onward. 

-Without communication, there is no relationship.  Without respect, there is no love.  Without trust, there is no reason to continue.

I am going to continue with the mindset and the acknowledgment that I should not chase things that do not exist or that keep running from me.  If you are truly wanted, it will be made known.  In my lesson, I have learned that besides playing Marco Polo with my heart, I have the gift (friend) 

....who is going to confirm my deductions and my thoughts,  

.... of an ear/eye to listen/read and help rid my mind of its insane imprisonment

....of a friend who sees things in life somewhat the same as I do so I do not feel completely demented ;)

....of distraction to remind me of what is important in life, and

....of protection from someone who would be by my side in an instant.

Life is ironic in that we need to experience one thing in order to understand the opposing view.  Example: We need pain to understand happiness.  So like I stated, I have some great friends who use their talents to strengthen mine.  The value of importance and meaning, when you do not have to fight alone.  The special thing about these people is that they understand no matter my condition, I would fight for them just as hard.

The time has come and my list of goals is expanding.  I may have to do them alone.....and then again maybe not, but at least I keep moving.

Knowing when to walk away is wisdom.

Being able to is courage.

Walking away, with your head held high is dignity.

P.S. Goodbye...

Some Bit of Understanding

I will admit that in some posts I poor my heart out because I am passionate about the topic I'm writing about at that time like the post I wrote a few days ago about changing my heart, which then lead to some criticism initiating a post that the only thing I have right now is writing.  I believe that for writing to be effective a person has to write honestly and with passion, so with that belief I practice what I preach giving up a bit of my heart even though I do not have much of it left these days.

With life every changing, there is comfort in finding understanding for another if not acknowledgement.  In the course of saying 'see you later' to my friends as I journey on to relocate, I came across an amazing person who almost brought me to tears.  As we sat there having coffee, I listened to the stories this person told appreciating the bravery to open up and be vulnerable because honestly, this is one of the only places where I am purely vulnerable and open a bit of my soul.  The stories continued and I felt that something more was speaking to me through this individual telling me that I am not the only one with regrets or the feeling of being broken.  Now I know I am not the only one to feel certain ways, but it is hard at times to find someone at THAT specific moment in which those feelings exist.  

After our visit, I walked away in deep thought of the things we discussed, appreciation for the subliminal message received, gratitude that this person is in my life, and admiration for this person.  Admiration for guts to keep moving forward and guts to hold onto some things I recently gave up, like the dream of hope and a fairy-tale.

Apparently there is some message going around and leading me down a specific path of healing because I found this article, which made me think 'I acknowledge these things differently and get condemned while this person on a site that is probably more recognized as a professional blog.  I was almost hurt because of the feedback on my one post, but after a couple minutes I was more pleased to have a little bit of my lonely feeling acknowledged and that someone else could write about a condemned feeling.  Like the author, I understand that I must go through these feelings and the pain that breaks my heart with the inability to know what about the friendship was real or what parts were meant for me and what parts were meant for someone else that were expressed to me, which is frustrating as right now I could use that friend while at the same time I want to forget all those moments that meant something to me considering they may not have been for me.  Confused yet?  Yeah, me too.  I can only trust time now to see if I truly held any significance or, as someone asked me yesterday, if I was just being used.

With every step, with every change, and with every momentary feeling we eventually learn that it is something we must endure and not to sound trite, but we are human.  The greatest gift you can receive though, is someone in some form to hold your hand because then you are not alone.

Now....anyone need a coke and a mint?

2015 New Year Tolerance

The new year has started and I feel as though I am letting people down since I am not jumping off the ceiling happy-go-lucky over the increase of a number.  I will admit that I am a numbers person when I keep track of things or record things like money, pounds lost, inches of muscle, credit score, and funds for bills, but I have never felt the stereotypical ditzy blonde feeling of a new year.  This does not mean that I do not make a few common resolutions as I am in support of improving one's self; however, that happens about once a month for me instead of every year. (Actually it happens about once a week now that I think about it).

So this past New Year's Eve, I went out with a great friend who I knew understood that 2014 was not the easiest of years, for either of us, but that did not take away from our positive attitudes that life gets better and it did not change that we are both purely awesome people to whom it would be a privilege to meet.  I was not able to break in the new year with this friend, as I went home a bit early to nurture a major headache. I actually started the new year in the most appropriate place, in the restroom.  I know, minor TMI moment, but if you think about it, metaphorically perfect in that since 2014 sucked for me, it is positive that I trash it/flush it and move on.  I'm so sorry, but I laugh every time I think of that moment because who does that unless they are bowing to the porcelain god from over drinking of alcoholic beverages. That was not my reasoning at all.

My first day of the year was spent lounging around relaxing to collect all my thoughts realizing that my biggest survival kit was all the new people I had met this past year.  Signifies a very 'out with the old, in with the new' type of moment of reflection.  I have not seen many of these people lately, due to a goal I have set for this year.  My one and only goal: move away from where I currently live.  For the last month, I have worked two part time jobs, one full time job, and gone to school with a small ability to go to the gym every now and then.  It is a huge sacrifice of time, but I feel sacrifice makes everything worth the trouble.  However, there are those people in my life who are concerned for my sacrifice that loosing that much time will exhaust me without time for my personal battery to reset and that I might sever some connections with certain people.

I laugh at these two concerns because one: I have always had more than one task/job since I was 14 years old, so I am accustom to being busy and if something/someone is valuable to me I make the time.  Two: I do not leave good friends, valued friends, those people who you know your life would change for the worse if they were gone.  I will say I am glad social media exists for this reason as I am able to see what is new in other's lives or obtain inspiration through the small things in life they do without them realizing they made an impact on my life.  Then I reflect back and realize how hard of a task this is for me.

In 2014 I joined the YMCA to basically disappear in a crowd the same way people do on a New York city street, but somehow I ended up standing out.  Part of me wanted to run after this realization while something held me back and it was not until I received an email today that I realized that all the bumps, bruises, and scarring in my life do not necessary mean that you are healed properly enough to function.  I know that sounds very harsh, but I am referring to connections.  I did a favor for a friend to review a written piece of work for him only to get the most business like formatted 'thank you' email.  I chuckled a bit because this friend has complained how businesses send out rejection letters that are impersonal and here the friend sends me, his actual friend a similarly formatted email.  My response acknowledged how ' [the email] reflects the cookie cutter impersonal type business type letter that distinctly annihilates any connection.'  I know....a bit harsh, but true.  It made me understand how there are people in my life who I am scared to lose as well, so my response is to run and sever any ties or connections with the thought that 'well, if this is the last time I see you then it won't hurt as much because we left on my terms, my choice.'  Silly thought, huh? [Silly ol' bear].

With the idea of improving and it only being the second day of 2015, I want to improve upon my patience for myself and tolerate the steps I take to improve my mental traps that keep me from depending on only myself when I should be able to trust another.  I understand that people are not in your life forever, but I do believe they should be there until you are both ready to let go, but maybe I need to stop mutilating connections where I would need to suppress pain and learn to embrace a bit of pain.  Maybe 2015 is a year for me to redeem all my scarring.

For the rest of you out there reading this, I hope for a happy new year, one of pain and sorrow to appreciate those joyous moments in our lives.  I pray for growth in any aspect of your lives, but with the gift of something/someone to keep you grounded. Finally, I pray for more reading enjoyment from this blog that makes you smirk out the side of your mouth whispering in your head, "I.V, you dork"  Happy New Year!!