Some Bit of Understanding

I will admit that in some posts I poor my heart out because I am passionate about the topic I'm writing about at that time like the post I wrote a few days ago about changing my heart, which then lead to some criticism initiating a post that the only thing I have right now is writing.  I believe that for writing to be effective a person has to write honestly and with passion, so with that belief I practice what I preach giving up a bit of my heart even though I do not have much of it left these days.

With life every changing, there is comfort in finding understanding for another if not acknowledgement.  In the course of saying 'see you later' to my friends as I journey on to relocate, I came across an amazing person who almost brought me to tears.  As we sat there having coffee, I listened to the stories this person told appreciating the bravery to open up and be vulnerable because honestly, this is one of the only places where I am purely vulnerable and open a bit of my soul.  The stories continued and I felt that something more was speaking to me through this individual telling me that I am not the only one with regrets or the feeling of being broken.  Now I know I am not the only one to feel certain ways, but it is hard at times to find someone at THAT specific moment in which those feelings exist.  

After our visit, I walked away in deep thought of the things we discussed, appreciation for the subliminal message received, gratitude that this person is in my life, and admiration for this person.  Admiration for guts to keep moving forward and guts to hold onto some things I recently gave up, like the dream of hope and a fairy-tale.

Apparently there is some message going around and leading me down a specific path of healing because I found this article, which made me think 'I acknowledge these things differently and get condemned while this person on a site that is probably more recognized as a professional blog.  I was almost hurt because of the feedback on my one post, but after a couple minutes I was more pleased to have a little bit of my lonely feeling acknowledged and that someone else could write about a condemned feeling.  Like the author, I understand that I must go through these feelings and the pain that breaks my heart with the inability to know what about the friendship was real or what parts were meant for me and what parts were meant for someone else that were expressed to me, which is frustrating as right now I could use that friend while at the same time I want to forget all those moments that meant something to me considering they may not have been for me.  Confused yet?  Yeah, me too.  I can only trust time now to see if I truly held any significance or, as someone asked me yesterday, if I was just being used.

With every step, with every change, and with every momentary feeling we eventually learn that it is something we must endure and not to sound trite, but we are human.  The greatest gift you can receive though, is someone in some form to hold your hand because then you are not alone.

Now....anyone need a coke and a mint?

The Maturity of Admitting When You are Done

Done-to be finished, a past participle...

There is a point where a person has to let go because wasting time on one thing will not end well.  For me, saying 'I am done,' usually associates with people.  I like to believe the best in people and I hope for the best for all of them, even the ones I do not like, but for some reason I have trouble letting go of them.  Part of that is a fear that if I walk away they will just let me, not caring that I am gone, which is really an indication they did not care in the first place.  The other part is the desire to help or be there to support others, which sadly you can only do for so long until you lose yourself.

Never choose someone who needs to think twice about choosing you.

As I got older I came to the mature realization that there is more to life than standing, waiting around for something to happen that is inevitably never going to happen.  You cannot make someone want you, but that does not mean that when they leave you for something you have to be there to pick up the pieces if it does not work out.  I did this once in the last couple years.  A friend developed what I like to call the 'ooooo, pretty shiny' syndrome and left me in the dust for the new 'thing.'  Unfortunately, the new 'thing' did not last long and the person expected me to be there to pick up the pieces.  It was like, 'hey, I'm going to try this one thing temporarily, but I expect you to wait here for me.'  I hate to say it, but my life does not stop because you told it to wait.  I have dreams too and they are not going to be accomplished if I keep sitting around waiting for you.

So at this age I have learned not too tolerate too much.  If something is meant to be, it will happen.  If someone wants you, that person will make it known.  If you are important to someone, that person will fight for you.  I came to a point where I am done fighting for something that keeps walking away.  If I was really wanted in the first place, there would be no walking away.

Follow your brain.  Your heart is stupid as shit.

Well, the 'ooooo, pretty shiny' syndrome has invaded my life again and this time I am not sitting around to find out what happens.  I am going to move and find my heart's desire in writing or even travelling.  I do not want a small entity of the world.  I want the whole thing.  I want to experience as much as I can.  So tonight I make a bucket list in the small attempt as my first steps of walking away from the thing that deserted me.  Should it come back, then I guess I have a choice to make if it is worth fighting for a third time, no excuses.  No 'if you were a friend you would understand,' no 'you are just doing this to get back at me,' and no blaming me because you screwed up and you know it.  These are demeaning statements and do not progress beyond anything, if anything they push away and add distance. (This is almost where I dare suggest reading Tabatha Coffey's Own it!, which should be a book about the common sense of taking responsibility, but not everyone understands the concept let alone either concept separately).  

Tonight, chapter one, goal one........get to sleep with no tears of the pain this person has caused because that person is not losing sleep over it and then start tomorrow anew knowing how you have harnessed your past strength that will be applied to your future.  Part two, begin the list to your future and go for it.

The Heart of the Band

I do not know how many of you have ever seen the movie Drumline starring Nick Cannon, but I feel I need to start here to give a clear understanding as to something that has been on my mind the last week in a new school term.

The movie Drumline is about a kid with a passion as a drummer who goes to college and joins the marching band, specifically the drum line.  The kid, played by Cannon, is a freshman who is extremely talented, which is intimidating to others, even the leader of the drum line.  Basically the theme of the story becomes that 'there is no 'i' in team' or in this case 'You're the best, Devon, but when we're on the field, nobody hears you.  They hear the band.'

I am sure you are wondering what this has to do with anything.  Well, there is this part in the movie where you see the leaders of each section of the band giving a pep talk to his or her own section.

'Trumpets are the voice of the band.  We are the melody.  We are the clarity.'
'Tubas are the most important section of this band...Tubas are the boom...'
'Saxophones are the truth, the funk, and the hook.  See, once they hear us, they recognize the song'

and then the camera turns to the drum line as they are clapping....clap...clap...clap...and the clapping speeds up as the drum leader says:

'We are the heart and the soul.  Without the percussion section, the band doesn't move, doesn't come alive....'

*Increase clap speed*

'We are the pulse, and without a pulse, you're dead.'

*Clapping stops*

'That's why we're the most important section of the band.'




With a specific perception, the small pep talks may look conceited, but in actuality are completely honest.  In today's society  people think that the the one thing they are passionate about is the one thing that makes our world go round.  Without science we would not have found fuel to power machines or chemical mixtures that make up medicine to improve a person's health. Oh, but without technology we would not have the records to access the information for science or have the capability combining the mixture properly.  Oh, BUT WAIT, without language, English for me, we would not have the capability to record any of this information in order for progress or evolution of substances to continue.

As you can see, each sentence is similar to the idea to the pep talks above, but also notice that without each piece, the puzzle cannot progress to something better.  Why am I acknowledging this concept?  Debate.  No, I do not want to start one, as it has already been started, but I want to finish it with this acknowledgment.  For instance, some people think that technology is the main contributor to how much our knowledge and understanding of the world has grown and as much as part of me can empathize with that thought, I have to send in the rebuttal with my passion for English and say that no one would have known of the progression in technology had you not had language as a tool used to communicate this information.  So would that not mean that language or communication make the world go around?

It is not really a thought or a debate at this point because as many know of science, you cannot create a solid theory with multiple variables.  However, you need to have multiple passionate people control the many variable aspects that make the world go around. ;)

Suppression, a Misinterpreted Language

Every day we try to find answers to questions in order to make sense of our world, but sometimes the answers we get are the ones we hoped we would not receive.  I came across a quote recently that I cannot seem to get out of my head by Alice Cooper saying:

'I try to teach my heart not to want things it can't have.'

How?  How do you teach a heart to want something you did not know it wanted until it actually wanted something?  The only answer that I have personally come across is to suppress or build a wall between you and the heart's desire distancing the two because as you walk further way the heart learns to survive on less with each step in the opposite direction.  Figuratively, I turn around and make one step.  Now the only hold is by the finger tips. Step two through seven, there is no contact except the memories.  Step seven to ten, I let go of the memories, good and bad, eventually erasing them as if they did not exist. Steps ten through twenty, I stand tall and stick that annoying voice of hope that held on to the memories and shove it in my pocket so as not to hear it screaming at me. Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three,......it starts to disappear, which to some existence could be healthy allowing something true to take its place that wants to be there or for the fact that the extra weight is gone.

I guess at times this is where my hope tests the waters to find the truth until I have made too many tests and my 'water' is gone.  I feel as though I recently came across this fact and moments of irony begin to emerge.

'Are you okay?' leads to, 'I'm fine.'-----> The truth:  I'm not fine, but I cannot let go of the truth because it would hurt to face it.

'Why are you running away?' leads to, 'I'm not running.'---->The truth:  I need to get away.  I need some space from the situation because I do not feel wanted here anyway.

The truths soon become a sentence of opposite with the determination that the actual words mean what is being said.  It is no wonder that things get misinterpreted, but if I convince you of their meaning then I can convince myself of the same forsaken truth.  Guess what?  It does not work right away so to follow in suit I must slowly build my wall one brick at a time and I continue the steps in walking away. As it is said, 'Rome wasn't built in a day.'

Step one.......