How Six Minutes Can Affect Your Life Part 2: Fear

As you read in my previous entry, I jumped out of plane and dove to the ground.  Blatantly put it sounds scary.  I actually questioned myself on thoughts of fear before my jump wondering if this was the reason of my pursuit.  I told people it was a reason for my pursuit considering some of the traumatic episodes in my life and now I wonder if it was the real reason or if I was just kidding myself.

Fear defines a person.  What type of fear and how a person handles that fear reflects upon the individual's personality.  Is this person going to take risks?  Does this person know he/she is doing?  Should this person be trusted?  What challenges can this person handle?

Some days I get this feeling that I am not afraid of anything.  Part of that is that I am too curious about things to just let them pass me by.  What I know I am afraid of is the unknown.  I was nervous, a bit afraid, of not knowing how my skydiving experience would play out.  I am scared of people because I cannot control their behavior leaving it hard for me to trust them.

Even though I have a bit of fear, maybe less than the next person, I realize I have to embrace it.  Many people just let it hold them back.  One thing that crossed my mind before my jump was the risk of death. Someone also asked me if this was something I was afraid of.  I was not afraid to die, should that have happened.  Eventually I will die.  I cannot live forever, thank goodness, but death is not a fear that should stop a person from trying new things.

A couple days after my jump a part of me felt scared.  I was scared to return to my life, which at the moment felt worthless because of the monotony.  I was scared of the people I would have to face because there are some people I do not want to encounter anymore as they leech off my life, lie to my face, and then kiss ass to other thinking their personal worth will increase.  Those types of people drain me and dealing with them is frustrating, so fear, in this case, develops a new meaning of exhaustion.

I guess I face fear every day.  I wake up, I go to work, I come home to do school work, and I could be missing something.  So as much as I grasp the concept of fear, I do not have the typical fears, like death defying feats.  I seem to fear the opposite, boredom.  Now the fear I have to face is what is my next big defeat. ;-)


"Sometimes you have to stop being scared and just go for it.  Either it'll work or it won't.  That's life." ~ Higher Perspective

The moment I stopped being scared and just went for it.  Photos by "Mr. Blue" at Skydive Fargo.

 

Unfinished Fear

In three days I will accomplish the feat of sky-diving, which is something I have longed to do for some time now.  As I near the actual event a part of me becomes scared.  I am a little bit scared of heights, but have learned over the years how to master those occasions by just saying "yes" to the moment.  With the potential risk of my life I am a bit scared of how I am going to die since I do not want any pain, but I am not scared of death which to many is confusing.  Death is inevitable and I have learned to accept that someday, somehow I am eventually going to die, but what will I have to show for the life I lived?

 

So why am I taking this risk?

 

I am facing every fear that I have had: rejection, intimacy, death, pain, ...change.  I am accepting that I am stronger even when I feel that I have fallen.  At times I silently pray in my head that I will be able to survive, which in this context is vague.  I get sick of being the strong one, the one that mends all the wounds, and the one that keeps everything organized.  When is someone going to take care of me? 

 

In connection to religious beliefs, I am taken care of, which is why I am so strong.  If I look how rich I am in friendships, I am also taken care of because I have invested in people who are there when I need them and know I would do the same.  Mentally, I'm exhausted. Ha!  Compared to others, I wish I understood the meaning of a "clear mind." 

 

Maybe I should be asking what scares me?  Answer: Everything. lol 

 

My imagination wanders to what could be from what is and every scenario in between both good and bad.  This ability offers me the gift of being prepared for anything while also over-compensating.  Sound exhausting yet? 

 

So I take this risk.  I face my fear and all for what?  What did I accomplish in life?  What difference did I make?  How did I improve something?  Odd as it may seem, these are the questions that ensure me of my survival in my jump and that I do not have to be scared.  I am just beginning.  I have so much to accomplish.  I am not finished yet.

Impressionable Interactions

Life has an odd way of presenting us with opportunity.  Some options are presented in anger, some are presented for us to overcome fear, and others may offer the realization of your importance.  People sometimes wonder about their importance to their existence and when it appears it is hard to identify.

I am currently single and some days I still feel like the pubescent teen trying to figure herself out, the one that gets lost in her own head on a daily basis.  Then there is the co-existing adult version that recognizes that my unique perspectives are what give me worth.  Not everyone sees life as an adventure and lives to tell about it.  Not everyone views life as a comic strip.  Not everyone views life as a moment to be a hero even if it is only silently noticed.

Every now and then people feel lonely.  This could be the fact that a relationship did not survive or maybe even the lack of a relationship.  In this mindset it is not realized that there are many types of relationship and the people from those relationships can fulfill some of the needs that are not being met.  For instance, some people say they wish they had someone to cuddle with when sometimes a hug from a friend (a touch period) is more effective.  Why?  The affection is from a person who genuinely cares about you.

Then there are those moments when we ask ourselves, "Would it really matter to anyone if I disappeared?"  Answer:  OF COURSE!  We interact on a daily basis with each other and you think that no one would notice if you were gone?  I will be bold and admit that I have asked this question.  In fact, double the boldness, I have asked a person directly if it mattered.  There are times where we need this acknowledgment, but do we know when to recognize this?  NOPE!

Let me explain.

There are times when I have moved on with my life and those I left behind, that mattered to me, forgot me.  the next thing I know,  I get a random text, email, or phone call with five simple words: I was thinking of you.  (pause for 'awww').  I recently experienced this from people I did not expect.  What?  How?  Wait, WHY?!?!  I don't know and frankly, I stopped caring to analyze the reasoning.  I accept that in that one moment that person thought of me because I somehow affected his/her life.

Sounds simple, right?  WRONG!  This is where things get foggy and we miss things.  So what do I try to do?  I accept any interaction for what it is at that moment and accept it for what it is worth.  This person thought of me today.  This person thought I was worth the contact.  This contact may have been an extra effort since we have not had a lot of contact.  This person is proud to be associated to me and reached out.  We never quite know how much we mean to others until it literally hits us on the head (I might have had that happen few times before I got to this point).  Maybe loneliness is a bit selfish and we should try reaching out to others during those times instead of withdrawing from our regular lives.  And then maybe, as I near one of the most exciting and fearful days of my life thus far, I reflect on how many people I may have made an impression on, allowing me to feel thankful that I had all these opportunities.

Making the Most of a New Year: 2016

In the last twenty-four hours millions of people have been rehashing the choices made or the actions taken during the past year or 2015, which is a pretty typical thing to do during the turning of a new year.  I, for a good reading laugh, did not, like last year, spend the turning of the new year in the bathroom.  (I know, you all smile at that in a 'palm to forehead' moment).  

While people reflect back, they begin to make plans on improvements upon how to make the next year better by creating "resolutions". This year I did some reflecting, but with one change of only making one resolution, to not make any resolutions. (Ironic not?)  Instead, this coming new year I am going to be pushing for something a bit more.  I am going to push for accomplishing goals and ones that can potentially be achievable.

So I have the typical school and work (boy, do I sound like a boring adult), but then there is the goal to improve my health even further than the year before.  I may not be getting any younger, even though I am technically not THAT old, but I do not ever want to really feel "old," however that may feel exactly.  I want to run further, walk faster, breathe easier, and lift more than I did before.  I do not want to become big beefy looking lady, not that it is bad, it is just not what I desire.  I am proud that in leaving 2015 I have, however, been able to lift/press/push half my weight with my upper body and arms while going beyond my own weight using my legs.  Considering past years I feel this is an accomplishment that can only grow allowing me to, hopefully, this year run a 5K, Mudrun, or some sort of physical test of accomplishment that will allow me to progress to the next level.  (Whatever I decide that to be).

Another goal this  year is to try new things, one every week if possible.  Yes, this is vague and open, but that is done on purpose.  I am currently in a new town and still able to explore, so there are restaurants that I have not tried, events I MUST attend, and people I NEED to meet.  For instance, if finances allow, I want to go sky-diving.  Ok, everyone who shriveled up inside themselves can come out now.  I want to fly, to spread my arms and feel the air rush around me and through my hair.  I want this feeling of accomplishment as I face a fear proving that some part of me is invincible even if it is just my spirit...as I could break a leg during the course of my landing.  The point is, I am not going to sit here and ask the 'what if' questions anymore.  Instead of wasting time pondering I plan to make choices. Go left or right? Right.  Black or white? White.  To wait for an answer or move on? Move on.  If I have to waste time pondering, then I really did not want the answer I am pondering over.  Sometimes these answers are stronger than us and we need to just accept them and run, run wild and free.

What concerns me at times is when a person says that he/she is making every living minute of his/her life count, but then when you see them later on whether it be a few minutes, hours, months, or years, that person still has not DONE anything of substance.  I have, oddly enough, found some of these people sitting on the couch drinking a beer while laughing at some odd thing on TV.  I agree on the concept of wanting to make every minute count, but that includes those moments where I STILL need to learn to relax, to not think and just...be.  I may not know the 'true meaning of [my] existence' although I would like to explore something more that I have to offer.  I want to present something creatively, but while doing my own thing, I also want to explore the ideas and concepts of others.  I want to see the world through someone else's eyes and not as a negative form, but with the idea that there are POSSIBILITIES.  With this in mind, I want to spend more time helping others.  I have, in the past, been a person who seems to be a stepping stone for others to achieve greatness and now I want to be...a bigger stone?  I know it sounds a bit silly, although the more I help the stronger I can make the world around me.

Hmm....I seem to have stumbled across something, how strength is a bigger part of me as a person.  I do not know how many of you have read past posts, which reflect many different trials and tribulations, which offer much to be viewed on what can define strength.

So what does this year hold for me personally?
-Strength
-Facing of fears
-A bit of carelessness (within reason I suppose since I am 'a responsible adult')
-Experience
-To embrace that idea that I did something with my life instead of waste it

With that all said and done, I offer to any of you reading this to join me, even if you are just watching me from the sidelines as I smash into a tree on my sky-diving landing (this would be just my luck).  I welcome anyone who, like me, is passionate about wanting the most from live.....and then some. :-D

Statement of Fear

Today I was thinking about all the different things I could be doing other than being at work, like laundry, dishes, and there was the thought of my statement of purpose for grad school.  It will sound silly to most of you who read this because the piece is required to have 200-500 words explaining 'why me?' for this program.  I will say it also took me awhile to figure out what piece of my personal writing to submit also, which I did find after some inspiration reflecting that I understand fiction and can analyze it.

I still have a little time before my statement of purpose it due, still I am afraid that what I write will not be 'good enough.'  Yes, I will say I am a verbal artist even though for this piece I am utterly...speechless? wordless? artistically useless?  I want to express how every day I wake up wanting to put a pen in my hand and watch the ink bleed into the paper creating an imaginative world with adventures and journeys outside of reality or that I crave the smooth water-like feeling of computer keys against my figures as the words visually create brush strokes with no brush.  How do I express something I am so passionate about that if it does not exist I would feel a part of me died as this if my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to bed?  I keep writing this piece to submit over and over because I do not think what I am writing is 'good enough,' even by my own standard, then again I am a perfectionist who fears failure.

This week I realized my statement of purpose is not my only fear in relation to writing.  Winter is among us and my hands hurt to the point of tears, at least lately.  Within the last year I saw a rheumatologist who told me that I have Psoriatic Arthritis, which affects my skin and my joints.  A long time ago, sometime after my siblings and I had lice, I saw a doctor who told me I had Psoriasis, which is a skin disease where my skin cells develop faster than normal that eventually create itchy scaly patches in specific parts of my body.  Psoriasis is an autoimmune disease, meaning my body is basically attacking itself. (Side note from my morbid sense of humor: Could this be considered an uncontrollable type of suicide?-I apologize if that is not funny to you, but I am not a serious persona at heart).  The arthritis that is developed in people who have Psoriasis is also autoimmune mainly in the joints, leaving them swollen and sometimes a bit unmanageable.

Are you wondering why I told you all this yet?  If you must know, I am a very independent person to the point that sometimes I believe it is better to just depend on yourself so that no one else can hurt you or let you down.  With this theory in mind, I am scared that someday my hands will let me down and I will have to be on some form of disability, unable to write or express all the passion I have inside for things in life.  This is my weakness and I am not meant to be weak!  

I understand there are worse things out there, diseases more severe that take away pieces of people, but that does not necessarily make my fear or their fear any different  because these things take away a piece of the people they inhabit.  Now, I feel for those people, I really do, but for the purpose of this entry I am telling my story from my point of view knowing that somewhere someone has similar feelings and they are not alone.  Each moment my fingers grow cold, swell up more than usual, or just become utterly painful I do cry because I am not only losing my fingers, but an entity of me and I have already lost myself once in my lifetime.  That, however, is another story, but I am not going to end this post on a 'woe is me note,' because that is not me.  

I have learned, in the last couple years, that the things we fear the most are the things we want/need the most.  I want to write and I need to write because I cannot... no...I will not let a piece of me die.  So like any other strong person facing an obstacle, I prolong the inevitable as long as I can through the use of medication, keeping my hands warm, exercising regularly to keep my blood flowing properly like I did with my knees, and continue to write what I can.  I guess you could almost compare this to the saying of 'it is better to loved and lost, than to have never loved at all' because as long as I do what I love, I cannot feel lost. (Excuse me, time to warm up the hands :P)