Unfinished Fear

In three days I will accomplish the feat of sky-diving, which is something I have longed to do for some time now.  As I near the actual event a part of me becomes scared.  I am a little bit scared of heights, but have learned over the years how to master those occasions by just saying "yes" to the moment.  With the potential risk of my life I am a bit scared of how I am going to die since I do not want any pain, but I am not scared of death which to many is confusing.  Death is inevitable and I have learned to accept that someday, somehow I am eventually going to die, but what will I have to show for the life I lived?

 

So why am I taking this risk?

 

I am facing every fear that I have had: rejection, intimacy, death, pain, ...change.  I am accepting that I am stronger even when I feel that I have fallen.  At times I silently pray in my head that I will be able to survive, which in this context is vague.  I get sick of being the strong one, the one that mends all the wounds, and the one that keeps everything organized.  When is someone going to take care of me? 

 

In connection to religious beliefs, I am taken care of, which is why I am so strong.  If I look how rich I am in friendships, I am also taken care of because I have invested in people who are there when I need them and know I would do the same.  Mentally, I'm exhausted. Ha!  Compared to others, I wish I understood the meaning of a "clear mind." 

 

Maybe I should be asking what scares me?  Answer: Everything. lol 

 

My imagination wanders to what could be from what is and every scenario in between both good and bad.  This ability offers me the gift of being prepared for anything while also over-compensating.  Sound exhausting yet? 

 

So I take this risk.  I face my fear and all for what?  What did I accomplish in life?  What difference did I make?  How did I improve something?  Odd as it may seem, these are the questions that ensure me of my survival in my jump and that I do not have to be scared.  I am just beginning.  I have so much to accomplish.  I am not finished yet.