Humble Labels

Recently I spoke with a friend of mine and this person triggered some anger in me that made me ask myself why I was friends with someone so arrogant and yet so ignorant.

This friend told me a story how the individual’s looks changed and all of a sudden the friend was getting, well, more attention than usual.  The friend droned on a bit and with each word coming out of the mouth on the other side of the phone, I could feel my anger grow. 

You see this person had also recently talked to me about labels.  Labels, in this conversation, referred to sexual orientation or reference any other prejudices that exist and this friend expressed not wanting to be identified by a label: ‘I am more than just [a label].  I am a person.’  Well, that is all true, but when a person becomes so narcissistically arrogant about looks or about weight, is this not taking away a person’s humanity the same way as if a label were applied?  Now instead of being associated with any of the titles above, the friend made a personal label of being ‘just a shell’ and not a person.  To me, this is a contradiction of an arrogant fool. 

Twenty-four hours later and I am still bothered by this to the point that contact with someone like this is actually damaging to any relationship because judging on one aspect of a person is not actually knowing the person as a whole. I am a female who is attracted to males, I am considered in a race defined as ‘white’ even though ‘white’ is not ACTUALLY a race, but I am also a daughter, a sister, a writer, an English graduate student, etc.  Wow!  Look at how all those labels made me a complete person.

As I continued to steam about what I now considered to be a ‘stupid friend’ (haha….another label), I thought back to a childhood movie I loved and still love to watch every now and then.  The movie was 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up.  In the movie, the boys are trying to be heroes, but instead become cocky because of their talents as ninjas, which make the grandfather angry.  The boys protest, saying they were just helping others, while the grandfather states they only did it to help themselves.  The grandfather points at a flower saying, ‘Now this, is what I meant by a correct path for a ninja…See these beautiful flowers?  You must learn to be like them.’

What does this mean? It means, listen to the flowers and listen to what they say.  The boys answer this concept at the end of the movie by realizing that the flowers say ‘Nothing.  They don’t want to show off how pretty they are.  They just wanna be pretty.’ 

No one wants to be known by ‘just’ a label and no one wants to be known ‘just’ by looks, so my question to everyone is, why put yourself in that box? Why decline one label only to embrace another that makes you even less of a human/person and just the shell of one?  Maybe I am ignorant, but I have never understood why I have to have a certain look to be worth something, then again that applies to all labels as well.

So to this friend of mine:

Learn to love yourself as a person and not a label especially if you want someone else to love you and not your label.  A relationship does thrive on looks because looks fade.  A relationship does not thrive on your sexual orientation, your race, or any other potential prejudices because it can only thrive on the person, the personality and if you do not have that…well, let’s just say you won’t survive any relationship you desire and for that, I feel sorry for you.

Newton's Law in a Change of Heart

Changes happen frequently in life.  Some say 'things happen for a reason' or even 'let it go because if it was meant to be it will return to you,' but even the journey to a destination is not promised to be easy.

I have learned that life comes in cycles.  We have our good days and our bad days, our worse days and our mediocre days, but the specific entity is how we act or react to these occasions.  Face it, humanity can be as simple as science like when Newton states, 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.'  When one person acts a specific way another person's actions may or may not be favorable in response.

For the past few months I have been planning to relocate due to professional and personal growth, but there is this thing in life call 'money' that can at time dictate a person's life.  I will admit that I am one of those individuals who believes 'things happen for a reason,' and in the course of an event I made a split decision that I do not regret now.  I had a person, dear to my heart, tell me to leave the person's life and not care about the individual anymore; once said, I was left stranded, broken-hearted in a parking lot in utter confusion.  

What you need to first understand is I have learned the value of friendship, the foundation and epitome of human stability, so a relationship such as this is significant, which made the above event all the more confusing.  Why would you leave something important behind? Was I really not that important? Did you not value our friendship that we had developed over the last few years?  My theory and answer to these questions came from a book I had read a few years back and learned to apply to relationships/friendships: He' just not that into you.  You, my reader, may be laughing or chuckling at that, but it is true.  If you are truly wanted and important enough to a person that person will do anything in his/her power to keep you close because of your value to that individual.  The person will want to explore who you are, share some of your interests, and even ensure your safety.  It is when this things stop and a person changes that you realize your lack of worth.

The next day after the parking lot scene, I decided to move no matter how broke I was because unfortunately, at the time, the one thing that gave me ease and true happiness just threw me in the metaphoric dumpster.  Why stick around and invest in something or someone that does not want you?  It is like running  into a brick wall hoping to actually get somewhere (or as Einstein so eloquently stated, 'Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results').  

I will say this person did come back into my life...temporarily.  I informed the friend of my plans knowing that because of how close we had become it would be difficult to add distance into the equation, but you see I had planned to keep in touch as much as possible because that is what you do for friends and yes, I AM THAT KIND OF FRIEND. 

I hate to admit it, but with weeks before my move, I have been demoted or dare I say replaced.  I am not saying you cannot have more than one friend and I am not saying that change is wrong, but how you handle it can be wrong.  This person sought out other individuals in my replacement to the point that the person no longer has time for the friend who had been there during significant times in the individual's life.  I have to wonder, at times, what was it all worth?  I already wasted time on one person and now feel like I did it again.  Do not get me wrong, my feelings for this person have not really changed...much, but with every conversation I lose a little bit.  When you are told that you are not that important anymore you tend to walk away because this is an indication of something completely toxic in correlation to confusion.  Friendships are easy with complicated bumps in the road, this....this in my personal opinion is inexcusable.  I hate to tell you this, but I find that the significance in a healthy relationship is mutual.  One person cannot value the other at a higher rate, which makes it easier for me as the days go by to incorporate the thought of 'out of sight, out of mind.'  I no longer am obligated to be the friend I was prior and I no longer need to be the friend who was going to work to keep the contact.  The choice to remain friends would need to be dictated by the one that left, hoping the other party would accept the individual.

Yes, life contains many changes and as obviously depicted, contains a change in heart, which can be one of the hardest things to do. 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.'   I keep repeating this concept in my mind as I acknowledge the changes in my life knowing in my mind there is a reason while my heart fights with full regret trying to fathom any understanding in the confusion.  Should I have been supportive in particular situations?  Should I have made available time for the individual?  Should I have allowed myself to care for this person?  In general, should I have wasted my time if this was just going to be the inevitable antics of the individual? Where does the love go?........Everything has a reason.

Music to reference that helped me in the past:
Frozen by Madonna-  I love Madonna's older works.  The minor keys and pulsating music gave me comfort as I related to the presentation of a frozen heart, which in many changing factors can be a type of protection or self-preservation.
You'll See by Madonna- Did I mention I love Madonna's older works?  I always considered this a polite way of telling someone 'f*** you, I'll be fine without you.' This was an empowering song to me depicting the idea of walking away from someone and not looking back.  In everything we do we must own it, even our changes........



P.S. You broke my heart....