Lost in Insomnia: Storm Swampside (Part 1?)

Some nights I just cannot sleep.  My mind wanders into this black hole that causes chaos deep within my mindset to that point where conscious meets its innate depths.  The moon is low shining bright against the dark of night with a glimmer of stars in the background.  The wind is unsettling, but the waves of the swamp remain calm.  The question is to let go with the intentional risk of sabotage or to remain guarded with the protection of armor, playing it safe while always in question?

I lay back against the grass feeling every little creature under squirming to scream from the weight of my body as it pushes against them.  Thank goodness many were able to escape as I understand that I am relaxing in some form of poo.  My eyes close, ignoring the squish on my back as I try to find myself by losing myself.  I have a choice to make and I cannot, for the life of me, seem to find the answer.  My head runs away, or rather my mind, figuratively hiding from the world while the rest of me has to remain facing the harsh winds that are yet to come.  

A tear falls down my face as I dread the choice I have to make, knowing that either option is a risk of pain with the understanding that the choice is potential and not utterly impossible.  The chance of desire or the chance of failure.  The focus of promise or the distraction of opportunity.  

The wind picks up harmonizing through the grass as it calms the chirping of the grasshoppers.  The moment is coming and I cannot decide.  I choose to armor myself, playing it safe with a guaranteed plan of execution that falls short in fate, but ensures survival with an imprisoned heart.  I close my mind off to possibility, fading deeper into the dark hole of my mind.

Lightening streaks across the sky.  The thunder following as it ripples the waves before me.  I remain relaxed in my mind, but for once feeling unsafe.  My choice now incorrect.  The risk no longer an option.  My fingers curl around the breast plate as I spiral deeper into the darkness.  I am frozen in fear and in the strength of my determination for survival for I have been through more hellish circumstance.

The wind dies down, taming a bit of its temper, but the lightening is unforgiving.  It strikes the tree above my body and I awaken at his scream.  My fear now replaced with sadness realizing the passing of  opportunity.  I might have been safe by taking the risk.  I might have understood his proof to me if I had taken a chance.  I may not have hardened every molecule in my body if I had just...admitted...what I was scared to face.

No you probably will not understand this, so do not even try, but I hope you enjoyed.  Thanks for reading!

Simple choices, Complex paths

This week on Facebook I wrote a sentence to see what kind of reaction I would get from people or even provoke a bit of thought.  The sentence was, 'The choice is simple, it's actually making the choice that is complicated' to which I asked if people agreed or not.  Now guaranteed not everyone pays attention to Facebook posts by specific people let alone ones that actually make you think, but if anything I learned why my friends are my friends.  It is simple, they see the world the way I see it.

I will admit that I am comforted by this thought that in my own train of thought I do not ride alone, but I also realized that in a specific aspect of my life I am a hypocrite.  I wrote the sentence after helping a friend make a decision one day thinking that this is what I practiced, I make a choice and move on.  The choice could be simple like 'should I have cereal for breakfast or a banana?' The choice is simple, but what if I made the wrong choice?  What if in choosing the banana I end up choking? It is that specific thought that prohibits easy answers.

So I learned that sometimes a choice is based on a feeling like, 'Everyone hates that co-worker even though I get along with that person, do I still keep this person as a friend or not?'  In this case, following one's intuition can be beneficial and true desire shown through from the subconscious.  One my friend recently went through was 'There is this job I want, but I do not feel qualified even though another guy I know is less qualified than me and has already had a position higher than this one.'  My advice?  Either you want it or you don't.  If you really want it that bad and you think you are better than the next person then project this even if it is not in black and white on a piece of paper. (Yes, I know paper/certifications/diplomas rule the world).  If you do not want the job that bad then do not apply. 'But I do not feel qualified.'  You see that is beyond the point here.  You never know unless you try and if you do not try you will never know or get any further than where you were before.  So there he sat, watching a guy with no qualifications in the area of the position steal the job. Wanna kick yourself yet?

I could probably go on for awhile on that issue with the job, but I think back individuals who are in the Olympics or who are head of corporations.  How do you think they got there?  These people chose to try whether fail or succeed by their own personal definition, but at least they knew where they stood should improvement need to be applied.

So why does this all make me a hypocrite? Because I have, what I am calling these days, Pandora's box. For those of you who do not know the myth, it is about two brothers, Epimetheus and Prometheus.  Prometheus had disobeyed Zeus and was tied to a rock, but Zeus felt bad that he left Epimetheus without a companion, so Zeus had Hephaestus make a woman out of clay for Epimetheus to marry.  As a wedding gift, they were given a locked gift that most people have come to know specifically as a box even though the myth does not always specifically state this.  On the box was a sign that said, 'DO NOT OPEN.'  Now we have all joked about 'curiosity killing the cat' and we all know that not knowing something can be aggravating, which is what happened to Pandora.  Her curiosity got the best of her and she opened the box.

Now as I write this I begin to realize, like many others who are familiar with the label 'Pandora's Box', that I forgot a part of the myth. Pandora opens the box, allowing all the evil in the world to be set free except one little bug who turns to Pandora before leaving and says, 'Thank you.'  That little bug was Hope.  I had forgotten that at the bottom of every evil box is hope.  My own personal Pandora's Box is filled with evil, evil that that has prevented me from moving on from certain situations in my life.  A few years ago I had the choice to destroy the contents of this box, but instead I chose to 'move on' still holding onto my past with the idea that it reminded me of the lessons I have learned.  Something I recently learned is that I may have moved on without letting go.

You see, this box represents all the dreams I had and how I allowed one person to rob me of those dreams.  I lost Hope.  So the only thing left to do is go find her.

I choose hope.

Dear Pandora,
I am returning your box, empty, but full of hope.......