Some nights I just cannot sleep. My mind wanders into this black hole that causes chaos deep within my mindset to that point where conscious meets its innate depths. The moon is low shining bright against the dark of night with a glimmer of stars in the background. The wind is unsettling, but the waves of the swamp remain calm. The question is to let go with the intentional risk of sabotage or to remain guarded with the protection of armor, playing it safe while always in question?
I lay back against the grass feeling every little creature under squirming to scream from the weight of my body as it pushes against them. Thank goodness many were able to escape as I understand that I am relaxing in some form of poo. My eyes close, ignoring the squish on my back as I try to find myself by losing myself. I have a choice to make and I cannot, for the life of me, seem to find the answer. My head runs away, or rather my mind, figuratively hiding from the world while the rest of me has to remain facing the harsh winds that are yet to come.
A tear falls down my face as I dread the choice I have to make, knowing that either option is a risk of pain with the understanding that the choice is potential and not utterly impossible. The chance of desire or the chance of failure. The focus of promise or the distraction of opportunity.
The wind picks up harmonizing through the grass as it calms the chirping of the grasshoppers. The moment is coming and I cannot decide. I choose to armor myself, playing it safe with a guaranteed plan of execution that falls short in fate, but ensures survival with an imprisoned heart. I close my mind off to possibility, fading deeper into the dark hole of my mind.
Lightening streaks across the sky. The thunder following as it ripples the waves before me. I remain relaxed in my mind, but for once feeling unsafe. My choice now incorrect. The risk no longer an option. My fingers curl around the breast plate as I spiral deeper into the darkness. I am frozen in fear and in the strength of my determination for survival for I have been through more hellish circumstance.
The wind dies down, taming a bit of its temper, but the lightening is unforgiving. It strikes the tree above my body and I awaken at his scream. My fear now replaced with sadness realizing the passing of opportunity. I might have been safe by taking the risk. I might have understood his proof to me if I had taken a chance. I may not have hardened every molecule in my body if I had just...admitted...what I was scared to face.
No you probably will not understand this, so do not even try, but I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading!
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