The Misunderstood Introvert

My last couple of weeks has been filled with readjustments, as my life seems to have taken a back seat into the fast lane, watching everything and every event pass before I can comprehend a thought.  This pace has left me with a feeling of withdrawal or a type of alienation that provides little fulfillment in my life in the current state; however, lack of fulfillment and the acknowledgement of other accomplishments seem to have twisted themselves around my mind a bit deeper than I expected to recognize.  Since my recent move and driven desire for self-improvement, I noticed today how a piece of my youth that I thought I had changed still dwelled within me.  In a brief random moment I had to admit that ‘Yes, I am weird.  Yes, I am awkward,’ but then ‘Yes…I am still and introvert.’

I am sure if you are reading this you are thinking about how strange it is for someone to sit and think about a particular personality trait only to realize that some things never change.  Fine, I accept that, but I thought this was something that I had grown out of and moved beyond, so imagine my disappointment when motivation for self-improvement came to a screeching halt.  I will admit that it was one of those comic type moments where the cartoon character stares at the television screen, blinking twice with big eyes because that is exactly what I saw in my computer screen at work when I had the realization.

My big hazel eyes moved readily from side to side as if talking to someone, but only in my head of course thinking back to things that had presented themselves to my attention.  I analyzed moments in my head of confusion suddenly realizing what had taken place and now understanding the misinterpretation that others had perceived of me.

Considering my preferred type of communication is writing I realize I am the typical ‘looks good on paper’ type of person.  All the ‘I’s dotted and all the ‘T’s crossed in the black and white text and maybe some accentuated sarcasm revealing the clever innuendos that many people seem to overlook considering my personal intonation is missing from the text itself. I was able to snap out of my daze, remembering a specific time when my mother had attempted to help me with my introversion.  The idea was that I had to say ‘Hi’ to anyone and everyone.  Yeah…I accomplished that, but that does not completely revamp the characteristics of an introvert. 

I did a little bit of a self-assessment when I got home, again, replaying events in the last couple of weeks to get a complete understanding of what I was doing from verbal communication to body language (imitates Ursula from The Little Mermaid when saying ‘body language’).  I do not have the body language figured out yet, then again, I am not the narcissistic type person to stare at myself in the mirror on a daily basis giving myself a pep talk on how I am sooo sexy to myself.  Really?  Can we say egotistical fool?! 

Let us start with conversation.  I am not one for small talk, as you can see by this beautifully elongated post.  I am sorry, unless you want to play a game of twenty questions; I really have nothing meaningless to say to you.  I also do not like useless words or words with no meaning.  Do not tell me you are ‘sorry,’ that you ‘love’ me, or any term of endearment, especially in small talk!  I am not some cheap idiot of the street who is going to like totally say ‘like’ like every couple like minutes.  (I think my brain just exploded in that sentence, so sorry-I did not get any brains on anyone did I?)

Ok, moving on…

I do not like to waste things; times, money, words, you name it.  My time is valuable and I believe that applies to your time as well, so if you are just going to disappear, do not engage in a conversation that you believe may contain something of importance when it is just ignorant verbal vomit.  You see this here, this is I talking to YOU, and I am investing in a connection with YOU.  Got it?!  If not, let me try this…You have got ten minutes to impress me or I am walking away.  Awkward, right?  Yes, but honest and the fact that I told you does not make me rude, it just ensures the mutual value of our individuality so that we not invest in something wasted.  In reflection, it is a lot like gambling. (Give me a seven baby! No snake eyes tonight!)

First impressions are important, I know that, but I cannot, for the life of me, hold eye contact without repeating to myself, “Look into my eyes, look deep into my eyes,’ to which I am just going to end up laughing and screw the whole first impression up completely.  If it is not that then I, apparently, seem dull maybe boring or completely uninterested.  I hate to tell you, but that is not the case.  The ‘resting bitch face’ is actually a look of contemplation as I analyze things that have been done, said or anything else exchanged between the two of us.  The expression is the face of investment, giving you actual consideration and taking what you said or did seriously.  UNFORTUNATELY, I just get ‘bitch face.’  I am so sorry to those of you who do not understand this concept, but hope you would be more open to the fact that someone is not laughing at you for contemplating your wardrobe for the day or how big your muscles are or will be because there is actual consideration of a complete coherent thought. (How many of you understood that one?)

Therefore, to those of you who cannot interpret an introvert fluently, please do not assume the rapid judgement towards you or that fact that I am not jumping for joy at every one-syllable word you say as something negative.  Consider the fact that it is a compliment that someone would take the time of day to spend it with you because you possessed that one quality that sparked some interest that could lead to huge forest fire of thought provoking conversation, to which this introvert would be classified an extrovert, otherwise…why do you think I am here?

P.S.  Yes, I was jumping around like a fool full of expression throughout this whole entry.

P.S.S…I now have my resting bitch face on…Any questions?