I See You: Introverted Language

School recently tied me down, more like handcuffed to a chair by my own personal choice, but I have this need to write something beyond my scholastic mind that still penetrates the desire of thought and yet continues to be the inevitable...verbal vomit. LoL However, do not think that I forgot about this quest of mine to examine the awkwardness of being an introvert.

As I had addressed before in a previous post, I wanted to observe the language of introverts and not necessarily just mine considering I would be extremely conscious of my actions and inadvertently tampering or corrupting information. Lucky for me, I recognize other introverts who have confirmed with me to do the same things that I do and react the same way I do to certain events or situations.

Story time!!

If you keep up with my blog you will know that I just relocated and started a new job, this means sitting in a class for training.  My class was built up of five individuals besides me that slowly dwindled down, but the behavior of the class intrigued me as we progressed throughout our two weeks.  

Each student/coworker/peer sat at his or her own table which seemingly reflected the uncomfortable nervousness of the needed personal space or inevitable bubble.  I personally could have used the whole room as my bubble, but that is beside the point :P  With this distance, it was easy to observe each other and get to know one another.  I sometimes laugh at this description because it sounds like a lion observing prey except that the term 'prey' is viewed negatively considering the outcome of the situation.  For us, it was a way of building trust to get confirmation and understanding who you could depend on.  We also learned who to go to for clarity in the understanding of information concern the tasks of our employment positions.  Guaranteed, once out of class things tend to change, but the foundation of understanding still remains.  My favorite moment is when my classmates and I had a specific lesson that included other senior member employees and we were all able to have a discussion without any verbal conversation.  The senior member would ask questions about scenarios we knew nothing about and were completely out of context or order of the lesson plan.  This in itself confused my hired class and irritated us.  One, we did not have the foundation that the senior member did, so going off on a tangent does not offer new hires a stable understanding of their job description, which does not help a company.  Two, with the tangent in action, scowls became more visible, eyebrows and mouths frowned, and lips pierced with grinding teeth out of irritation.  This my friends, is how to piss off an introvert.  I must say I was a bit disappointed that the trainer did not notice how many scowls were aimed in her direction as if lasers were coming out of our eyes, but then again, you cannot expect everyone to understand everything…even reading people.

Now I am a person whose looks can be loud or give a clear indication of how I am feeling, but it still surprises me when someone is able to pick up or understand a particular expression.  One of my coworkers was assisting me on a project and after some time the individual simply asked the question, “Are you okay?”.  I hate to admit it, but due to my very deeply embedded independence I will 99.9% of the time reply with “I’m fine” whether I am or not.  Yes, I had a scowl on my face.  Yes, I pierced my lips together and muttered insane vulgarities under my breath.  Yes, I slither away into my own little world to be left alone until the world made sense again and I felt safe.  YES, SOMETHING IS WRONG, but I can handle it as I am self-aware.  Now I know how I respond to certain situations, but to have a stranger or at least someone who barely knows me recognize this and simply ask if I was okay still surprises me because I want to ask “Why do you care?”.  My actions and reactions are my own issue that do not necessarily involve someone else and yet they do because once my coworker uttered those three words the weight of my frustration was immediately lifted.  I am sure my face reflected this too as the scrunched forehead, curved eyebrows, and gritted teeth slowly disappear.  For me to accept that my co-worker saw me was a little intimidating, but it was a bit comforting to have this person indirectly say "I see you."

As I continue on and get to know my co-workers better I also find that I am more fluent in my own body language when I receive confirmation on another’s personality.  Given the right topic, and introvert can talk as much as any extrovert.  Quiet does not always indicate shy or the idea of being better than others, but it can simply be the fact that “This is my area and right now I need to concentrate” or “I am a deep pondering type with a million thoughts going through my head.”  I love being able to understand a bit about a person by reading body language.  You can pick up on someone’s personality by the books they read, the food they eat, the items they surround themselves with, etc.  Based on looks alone I can usually determine topics of discussion, commonly understood jokes, intelligence, dependability or things that give some indication of a potential, if not, type of connection.  I can also tell if a person is worth the investment of time by how many other people they spend their time with, who is important to that person, what kind of drama does that person have in his/her life, and allowing me to decide “Even though this person and I could be good friends, is now truly a good time for that.”

For now, there is nothing extremely special about body language, unless you have the confusing resting bitch face that actually translates into “I’m deep in thought” or “I AM actually relaxed,” but I think some people miss taking a moment to observe when they instead decide to jump to conclusions.  I like to sit back and watch a person for a while and not in the creepy stalker way but with the intent there is something more to this moment between two people than just silence.  I guess I try to “listen” to what people do not say which is more of how an introvert speaks.  We are like flowers…we do not want to draw attention to ourselves, we just simply want to be pretty.

The Extroverted Introvert

Oh boy, here I go again.  I have always been intrigued by people, wondering why they do what they do or why they have specific thoughts at particular times, so I decided to delve into a bit of reading to understand why people give me weird looks after I have said or done something.

Apparently, in 2013 the Wall Street Journal published a controversial article about how introverts can be happier.  Of course, it was titled How an Introvert Can be Happier: Act Like an Extrovert, which made me think of Steve Harvey’s book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  Titles like these can be confusing and interpreted to the idea that an individual is not good enough, so the individual has to act or be like someone else.  I do not know about anyone else reading this, but do you not get sick of playing games likes these?  Since when is Halloween every day of the year or when did we all become un-famous actors and actresses?  I hate to admit, but I am not paid enough to not act like myself, not to mention that part of me acts out enough on her own.

Anyway, this article received much adversary as it seemed the author may have been a misguided extrovert who possibly had limited introvert resources.  I must admit that in many of the articles that followed, people enjoyed started the piece with something similar to  ‘…it is a proven fact that introverts have more fun as extroverts,’ yet I could not find any credentials in these particular articles to prove this statement.  Where are the statistics?  Where is the quote from the doctor who has done research studies?  Where is Dr. Phil?...Sorry, got off track there.

One  article I found acknowledged how offended many introverts were by this article with statements such as “I don’t want extroverts defining or interpreting what happiness is for me,’ or discussing matters of how prejudice society can be on introverts because the typical belief is that everyone should be dancing, singing, and flailing their arms singing “Happy, happy, joy, joy…,’ when that is not the case at all.  What is not recognized is that there is happiness in contentment.  I, personally never felt that it was wrong to stay in some nights to enjoy a little Netflix instead of going out to drink every night,

Other articles in reference to Wall Street included myths that were stereotypical thoughts, but were honest, especially considering I could relate to the author in that I also am a “INFJ.”  (If you do not understand this, please look up the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which gives a personality assessment.)  I took this test once in relation to a dating site where everyone thought they had to reveal this particular entity and found out exactly what I had known about myself all along.  One, the idea that introverts do not like to talk is completely NOT me.  I mean, look at this post; does this look like the post of a person who does not like to talk?  No, it is of a person who does not waste her words on nothingness only please the small-minded tater tot brains that soon hiss out helium from too much extroverted activity.  Note:  I am not saying this is bad, I am saying it is not an activity for everyone. 

Another myth that sparked me was the idea that introverts are rude.  Oh. My. Goodness!  I am probably one of those who does not have a heart to be rude, but I will be honest.  (Yes folks, those are two different things and if you do not understand them, look them up or…TOO BAD!)  Why should I feel obligated to talk to a person if nothing is going to come of it?  Do I have to jump up and down at the pure shred of an insignificant task that you accomplished? (Yay! You wrote your name, illegibly, but you wrote your name!---Can you hear the heart monitor flat line at the simplicity of the task?  Sorry, you are not in grade school and I am not going to treat you that way either.)

Then there is the idea that an introvert does not like people or socialize.  Three letters come to mind: WTF?!  That is right! Pure and utter confusion.  I love people!  Good people.  Decent people.  People who do not numb my existence down to that of a telletubby.  I am not asking anyone to sit here and swoon over everything I do or say, so why should I do that for them?  It is called mutual respect here, people!

Ugh!  A little frustration goes a long way these days. However, I did find an interesting slideshow explaining how to understand an introvert.  Great, now I need a ‘how to’ guide to understand how I function.  Why not just write a book called ‘Understanding Introverts for Dummies: For Misguided Extroverts and Confused Introverts.’  (Enter blank stare) Yeah, I did not know I came with instructions, a tush tag maybe, but instructions is stretching it.  What I learned from the slideshow is that I am asexual in producing energy with a need to recharge.  Does that sound like a bad batter pun to anyone else?  What is comical is that in slide five, I feel as though, being an introvert, is like interaction with an extinct animal.  “How to interact with an introvert…Say hello,…it is important for introverts to feel welcome…go back to whatever you were doing…Now the introverts know that you are friendly and open to interaction”  (Shakes head)  Now I am an animal that may bite if threatened.  Just do not poke me with a stick!  Actually….I might bite for sheer pleasure of this.  I might actually invest in that caution sign to wear around my neck, “I bite when threatened.”

Maybe I am just nuts (and for those of you who actually know me, no comment from the peanut gallery), but why is being quiet and thought provoking considered awkward or abnormal?  I still like to talk and socialize, but I also like to write the thoughts that come into my head to see them form on paper or even just analyze things in general.  I have this thing called a mind and unfortunately is does not contain an ‘off’ button allowing me to continuously ask questions and ponder the dear sweet questions that prohibit society from acknowledging their denial of life. 

Should I have been more blunt with that?;)

Caution: This post contains high amounts of sarcasm that may blow your mind.  Enjoy!!

Here are a couple other articles I found interesting: 

http://womanitely.com/things-introvert-should-remember/

http://womanitely.com/things-remember-dating-introverted-man/

The Misunderstood Introvert

My last couple of weeks has been filled with readjustments, as my life seems to have taken a back seat into the fast lane, watching everything and every event pass before I can comprehend a thought.  This pace has left me with a feeling of withdrawal or a type of alienation that provides little fulfillment in my life in the current state; however, lack of fulfillment and the acknowledgement of other accomplishments seem to have twisted themselves around my mind a bit deeper than I expected to recognize.  Since my recent move and driven desire for self-improvement, I noticed today how a piece of my youth that I thought I had changed still dwelled within me.  In a brief random moment I had to admit that ‘Yes, I am weird.  Yes, I am awkward,’ but then ‘Yes…I am still and introvert.’

I am sure if you are reading this you are thinking about how strange it is for someone to sit and think about a particular personality trait only to realize that some things never change.  Fine, I accept that, but I thought this was something that I had grown out of and moved beyond, so imagine my disappointment when motivation for self-improvement came to a screeching halt.  I will admit that it was one of those comic type moments where the cartoon character stares at the television screen, blinking twice with big eyes because that is exactly what I saw in my computer screen at work when I had the realization.

My big hazel eyes moved readily from side to side as if talking to someone, but only in my head of course thinking back to things that had presented themselves to my attention.  I analyzed moments in my head of confusion suddenly realizing what had taken place and now understanding the misinterpretation that others had perceived of me.

Considering my preferred type of communication is writing I realize I am the typical ‘looks good on paper’ type of person.  All the ‘I’s dotted and all the ‘T’s crossed in the black and white text and maybe some accentuated sarcasm revealing the clever innuendos that many people seem to overlook considering my personal intonation is missing from the text itself. I was able to snap out of my daze, remembering a specific time when my mother had attempted to help me with my introversion.  The idea was that I had to say ‘Hi’ to anyone and everyone.  Yeah…I accomplished that, but that does not completely revamp the characteristics of an introvert. 

I did a little bit of a self-assessment when I got home, again, replaying events in the last couple of weeks to get a complete understanding of what I was doing from verbal communication to body language (imitates Ursula from The Little Mermaid when saying ‘body language’).  I do not have the body language figured out yet, then again, I am not the narcissistic type person to stare at myself in the mirror on a daily basis giving myself a pep talk on how I am sooo sexy to myself.  Really?  Can we say egotistical fool?! 

Let us start with conversation.  I am not one for small talk, as you can see by this beautifully elongated post.  I am sorry, unless you want to play a game of twenty questions; I really have nothing meaningless to say to you.  I also do not like useless words or words with no meaning.  Do not tell me you are ‘sorry,’ that you ‘love’ me, or any term of endearment, especially in small talk!  I am not some cheap idiot of the street who is going to like totally say ‘like’ like every couple like minutes.  (I think my brain just exploded in that sentence, so sorry-I did not get any brains on anyone did I?)

Ok, moving on…

I do not like to waste things; times, money, words, you name it.  My time is valuable and I believe that applies to your time as well, so if you are just going to disappear, do not engage in a conversation that you believe may contain something of importance when it is just ignorant verbal vomit.  You see this here, this is I talking to YOU, and I am investing in a connection with YOU.  Got it?!  If not, let me try this…You have got ten minutes to impress me or I am walking away.  Awkward, right?  Yes, but honest and the fact that I told you does not make me rude, it just ensures the mutual value of our individuality so that we not invest in something wasted.  In reflection, it is a lot like gambling. (Give me a seven baby! No snake eyes tonight!)

First impressions are important, I know that, but I cannot, for the life of me, hold eye contact without repeating to myself, “Look into my eyes, look deep into my eyes,’ to which I am just going to end up laughing and screw the whole first impression up completely.  If it is not that then I, apparently, seem dull maybe boring or completely uninterested.  I hate to tell you, but that is not the case.  The ‘resting bitch face’ is actually a look of contemplation as I analyze things that have been done, said or anything else exchanged between the two of us.  The expression is the face of investment, giving you actual consideration and taking what you said or did seriously.  UNFORTUNATELY, I just get ‘bitch face.’  I am so sorry to those of you who do not understand this concept, but hope you would be more open to the fact that someone is not laughing at you for contemplating your wardrobe for the day or how big your muscles are or will be because there is actual consideration of a complete coherent thought. (How many of you understood that one?)

Therefore, to those of you who cannot interpret an introvert fluently, please do not assume the rapid judgement towards you or that fact that I am not jumping for joy at every one-syllable word you say as something negative.  Consider the fact that it is a compliment that someone would take the time of day to spend it with you because you possessed that one quality that sparked some interest that could lead to huge forest fire of thought provoking conversation, to which this introvert would be classified an extrovert, otherwise…why do you think I am here?

P.S.  Yes, I was jumping around like a fool full of expression throughout this whole entry.

P.S.S…I now have my resting bitch face on…Any questions?