Am I Really That Stupid?

Tonight I was asked what I viewed to be the most astonishing question that made me rethink some things I have thought or even felt myself. My coworker asked me very blatantly "Am I stupid?".  My jaw dropped out of surprise as my mind quickly raced realizing I have uttered those same exact words.

First of all, the sentence itself it completely vague and subjective, yet society understands all too well.  To answer properly, what does stupid  mean?  What does smart mean?  What is? and then, Is intelligence universal or is it specified?  

Second, I have asked this question to a friend of mine who I once thought was intelligent, which I defined by "a person who has a lot of knowledge in diverse areas and a lot of experience."  This person brought to my attention the vagueness in the sentence also, giving me some perspective.  A person may be intelligent in an area or on a specific topic, but actually being smart is knowing how to apply that knowledge you have accumulated.  In this case, the friend, whom I put on this intelligent/smart pedestal, has since fallen.  The friend is intelligent in that this person can probably read a book and remember the content with ease or remember events with a "date stamp," but applying this information to what could be identified as "common sense" reflects the defined term of stupidity.  Yes, I said it and I have said this to the friend before.  This friend is the dumbest smart person I know.  Confused yet? Let me explain.  No matter how much information this person obtains in the brain, the person does not seem to know how to apply this knowledge to life and, in my humble opinion, screws up.  It is like the person got the wiring mixed up with all that knowledge and it short circuited.  Some of you may think I am mean or heartless for saying this, but I have told the friend this stuff directly and it is actually constructive criticism.  Now whether any lesson is learned is an understatement.

So now we have the information to analyze the concept of "Am I stupid?".  The term stupid and "smart" are truly antonyms defining the speed at which a person can process information and apply it whether quickly or, well, not so quickly.  Intelligence involves the information you have learned or have been taught.  Generally, stupid is thought to be the opposite of our defined term of intelligence, but the opposite of intelligence is closer related to being "inept" or even ignorant.  So stupid is a lack of keenness of the mind while smart is the presence of keenness of the mind.  Whereas intelligence is obtaining knowledge, ignorance is lacking the knowledge, inept is without the skill set for that knowledge, and yet commonly the opposite of intelligence is referred to as stupidity, which is the condition of stupid and not the true opposite of intelligence.

So now we see where our confusion lies through all this misinterpretation or misunderstanding based on the limited knowledge of our personal experiences, but my friend was correct in that intelligence itself depends on the topic.  For example, I may have decent, if not significant amount of knowledge on English (because I freakin’ over analyze what everyone around me is ACTUALLY saying), but I do not know a lot of information about the detailed workings of computers.  Now, am I stupid?  No, because I utilize other concepts that transfer from one topic to the next and can apply them to my limited knowledge in such cases and the details of computers.  This is true for any and EVERY topic in the world.  You cannot be a genius about everything and if you ask me, you cannot be a genius or expert on anything because there is always more to learn.  Information does not just die or end, so how can a genius or expert exist?  That is a whole different topic, but still!

For fun, and because I am in a bit of an inspired mood, let’s do some intricate word play:

Ignorantly smart: (conundrum?) A person who lacks knowledge, but has a keen mind- Question: Can a keen mind exist without knowledge? 

           Question: Can concepts and logic be applied without knowledge? (knowledge is probably too general in this instance)

Stupidly smart: (I have actually heard this used and it is funny because how can a person reflect both the existence and lack of a keen mind?)

Intelligently ignorant: (Again, I have heard it used, but we are talking about acquiring knowledge while we yet lack knowledge?-Lack the ability to acquire knowledge?- Acquire the lack of knowledge?)

Stupidly inept: a person who lacks a keen mind and any skill (Ouch! Double whammy on that one.)

Intelligently smart: a person who can acquire knowledge and apply it (Um, hello? Yeah, I’m right here. Look at me…. Just kidding)

Ok, so I had some fun of how I view words while yet probably annoying anyone who just read this. : P  So the question remained, “Am I stupid?”.  Taking in consideration all of the above:

-vague defined terms

-personal experience

-personal knowledge

-maybe a bit of empathy

-mixing pot with some salt and pepper. Do not forget the mixing spoon because this gets messy mixing with your hands and Voila!

Answer: Are you nuts?  You are just having a bad day :D

I should soooo be Sherlock Holmes through that deduction and KEEN wit of an answer.  (I crack myself up sometimes).  None of that matters though.  The thing that matters most is my interpretation and how I utilized it to show the coworker that the person’s conception of the sentence was complete in the analyzation of the question itself.  In short: My coworker smiled and continued on with her work with a bit more confidence.<---That’s all that ever counted anyway.

I See You: Introverted Language

School recently tied me down, more like handcuffed to a chair by my own personal choice, but I have this need to write something beyond my scholastic mind that still penetrates the desire of thought and yet continues to be the inevitable...verbal vomit. LoL However, do not think that I forgot about this quest of mine to examine the awkwardness of being an introvert.

As I had addressed before in a previous post, I wanted to observe the language of introverts and not necessarily just mine considering I would be extremely conscious of my actions and inadvertently tampering or corrupting information. Lucky for me, I recognize other introverts who have confirmed with me to do the same things that I do and react the same way I do to certain events or situations.

Story time!!

If you keep up with my blog you will know that I just relocated and started a new job, this means sitting in a class for training.  My class was built up of five individuals besides me that slowly dwindled down, but the behavior of the class intrigued me as we progressed throughout our two weeks.  

Each student/coworker/peer sat at his or her own table which seemingly reflected the uncomfortable nervousness of the needed personal space or inevitable bubble.  I personally could have used the whole room as my bubble, but that is beside the point :P  With this distance, it was easy to observe each other and get to know one another.  I sometimes laugh at this description because it sounds like a lion observing prey except that the term 'prey' is viewed negatively considering the outcome of the situation.  For us, it was a way of building trust to get confirmation and understanding who you could depend on.  We also learned who to go to for clarity in the understanding of information concern the tasks of our employment positions.  Guaranteed, once out of class things tend to change, but the foundation of understanding still remains.  My favorite moment is when my classmates and I had a specific lesson that included other senior member employees and we were all able to have a discussion without any verbal conversation.  The senior member would ask questions about scenarios we knew nothing about and were completely out of context or order of the lesson plan.  This in itself confused my hired class and irritated us.  One, we did not have the foundation that the senior member did, so going off on a tangent does not offer new hires a stable understanding of their job description, which does not help a company.  Two, with the tangent in action, scowls became more visible, eyebrows and mouths frowned, and lips pierced with grinding teeth out of irritation.  This my friends, is how to piss off an introvert.  I must say I was a bit disappointed that the trainer did not notice how many scowls were aimed in her direction as if lasers were coming out of our eyes, but then again, you cannot expect everyone to understand everything…even reading people.

Now I am a person whose looks can be loud or give a clear indication of how I am feeling, but it still surprises me when someone is able to pick up or understand a particular expression.  One of my coworkers was assisting me on a project and after some time the individual simply asked the question, “Are you okay?”.  I hate to admit it, but due to my very deeply embedded independence I will 99.9% of the time reply with “I’m fine” whether I am or not.  Yes, I had a scowl on my face.  Yes, I pierced my lips together and muttered insane vulgarities under my breath.  Yes, I slither away into my own little world to be left alone until the world made sense again and I felt safe.  YES, SOMETHING IS WRONG, but I can handle it as I am self-aware.  Now I know how I respond to certain situations, but to have a stranger or at least someone who barely knows me recognize this and simply ask if I was okay still surprises me because I want to ask “Why do you care?”.  My actions and reactions are my own issue that do not necessarily involve someone else and yet they do because once my coworker uttered those three words the weight of my frustration was immediately lifted.  I am sure my face reflected this too as the scrunched forehead, curved eyebrows, and gritted teeth slowly disappear.  For me to accept that my co-worker saw me was a little intimidating, but it was a bit comforting to have this person indirectly say "I see you."

As I continue on and get to know my co-workers better I also find that I am more fluent in my own body language when I receive confirmation on another’s personality.  Given the right topic, and introvert can talk as much as any extrovert.  Quiet does not always indicate shy or the idea of being better than others, but it can simply be the fact that “This is my area and right now I need to concentrate” or “I am a deep pondering type with a million thoughts going through my head.”  I love being able to understand a bit about a person by reading body language.  You can pick up on someone’s personality by the books they read, the food they eat, the items they surround themselves with, etc.  Based on looks alone I can usually determine topics of discussion, commonly understood jokes, intelligence, dependability or things that give some indication of a potential, if not, type of connection.  I can also tell if a person is worth the investment of time by how many other people they spend their time with, who is important to that person, what kind of drama does that person have in his/her life, and allowing me to decide “Even though this person and I could be good friends, is now truly a good time for that.”

For now, there is nothing extremely special about body language, unless you have the confusing resting bitch face that actually translates into “I’m deep in thought” or “I AM actually relaxed,” but I think some people miss taking a moment to observe when they instead decide to jump to conclusions.  I like to sit back and watch a person for a while and not in the creepy stalker way but with the intent there is something more to this moment between two people than just silence.  I guess I try to “listen” to what people do not say which is more of how an introvert speaks.  We are like flowers…we do not want to draw attention to ourselves, we just simply want to be pretty.

Opportunities in Freedom

I decided to take a break from my introverted series considering I am still doing some analysis and gathering information on body language of an introvert.  I cannot just write something without experiencing it, correct?  So today I wanted to share something that I have been fantasizing about every day after I get off work. 

Take a look at the building pictured.  Look at the structure, the height, the difference in windows, and that it faces south.  Since I have moved I have fallen in love with this building and it is not even finished yet.  I know it sounds so insignificant because who really cares about a building, but imagine the infinite possibilities.  

At night after I work out, I like to ride around town to familiarize myself with my new 'stomping grounds.'  I drive over bridges to see the lights continue beyond the horizon and then I think of what a wonderful sight it would be from the top of this building, the potential of a New York Skyline type of view, the type you only view in movies, specifically the romance ones and even though I do not want that romance with anyone in particular now, I want to just have the passionate feeling of freedom.

So I drive passed this building dreaming of myself on the roof as I watch the sun go down and once it is gone I would step to the edge of the roof, spread my arms to my sides as I looked up toward the sky, and lean forward falling toward the ground.  I know many of you are probably flabbergasted by the thought of plummeting to the ground, but that is not the thought that comes to mind.  I close my eyes imagining the air rushing passed my body because for that brief moment, I have no concerns, no responsibility, and just the rush of adrenaline to the point that it takes my breath away. Pure.  Utter.  Freedom.

www.lifedaily.com

Life weighs us down and sometimes it is hard to carry that weight around.  It is not the same as lifting weights physically, but it still comes with experience that is suppose to make us stronger.  I moved to this new town gaining clarification that I have blocked out for years and have unfortunately learned I have to face the things of my past since I can no longer just hide them away.  I have to face the truth that these things, these events and actions were real.  It is still hard for me to accept those events knowing that somewhere inside I knew better.  

The thought of jumping off this building is purely a thought of flying, flying free and that is what I want to do here in a new location.  I want to try new things, experience new things and remove all limitations from my life.  I want to remove all fear from my life because a person should not be caged up when all there is in life...is opportunity.

The Extroverted Introvert

Oh boy, here I go again.  I have always been intrigued by people, wondering why they do what they do or why they have specific thoughts at particular times, so I decided to delve into a bit of reading to understand why people give me weird looks after I have said or done something.

Apparently, in 2013 the Wall Street Journal published a controversial article about how introverts can be happier.  Of course, it was titled How an Introvert Can be Happier: Act Like an Extrovert, which made me think of Steve Harvey’s book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  Titles like these can be confusing and interpreted to the idea that an individual is not good enough, so the individual has to act or be like someone else.  I do not know about anyone else reading this, but do you not get sick of playing games likes these?  Since when is Halloween every day of the year or when did we all become un-famous actors and actresses?  I hate to admit, but I am not paid enough to not act like myself, not to mention that part of me acts out enough on her own.

Anyway, this article received much adversary as it seemed the author may have been a misguided extrovert who possibly had limited introvert resources.  I must admit that in many of the articles that followed, people enjoyed started the piece with something similar to  ‘…it is a proven fact that introverts have more fun as extroverts,’ yet I could not find any credentials in these particular articles to prove this statement.  Where are the statistics?  Where is the quote from the doctor who has done research studies?  Where is Dr. Phil?...Sorry, got off track there.

One  article I found acknowledged how offended many introverts were by this article with statements such as “I don’t want extroverts defining or interpreting what happiness is for me,’ or discussing matters of how prejudice society can be on introverts because the typical belief is that everyone should be dancing, singing, and flailing their arms singing “Happy, happy, joy, joy…,’ when that is not the case at all.  What is not recognized is that there is happiness in contentment.  I, personally never felt that it was wrong to stay in some nights to enjoy a little Netflix instead of going out to drink every night,

Other articles in reference to Wall Street included myths that were stereotypical thoughts, but were honest, especially considering I could relate to the author in that I also am a “INFJ.”  (If you do not understand this, please look up the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which gives a personality assessment.)  I took this test once in relation to a dating site where everyone thought they had to reveal this particular entity and found out exactly what I had known about myself all along.  One, the idea that introverts do not like to talk is completely NOT me.  I mean, look at this post; does this look like the post of a person who does not like to talk?  No, it is of a person who does not waste her words on nothingness only please the small-minded tater tot brains that soon hiss out helium from too much extroverted activity.  Note:  I am not saying this is bad, I am saying it is not an activity for everyone. 

Another myth that sparked me was the idea that introverts are rude.  Oh. My. Goodness!  I am probably one of those who does not have a heart to be rude, but I will be honest.  (Yes folks, those are two different things and if you do not understand them, look them up or…TOO BAD!)  Why should I feel obligated to talk to a person if nothing is going to come of it?  Do I have to jump up and down at the pure shred of an insignificant task that you accomplished? (Yay! You wrote your name, illegibly, but you wrote your name!---Can you hear the heart monitor flat line at the simplicity of the task?  Sorry, you are not in grade school and I am not going to treat you that way either.)

Then there is the idea that an introvert does not like people or socialize.  Three letters come to mind: WTF?!  That is right! Pure and utter confusion.  I love people!  Good people.  Decent people.  People who do not numb my existence down to that of a telletubby.  I am not asking anyone to sit here and swoon over everything I do or say, so why should I do that for them?  It is called mutual respect here, people!

Ugh!  A little frustration goes a long way these days. However, I did find an interesting slideshow explaining how to understand an introvert.  Great, now I need a ‘how to’ guide to understand how I function.  Why not just write a book called ‘Understanding Introverts for Dummies: For Misguided Extroverts and Confused Introverts.’  (Enter blank stare) Yeah, I did not know I came with instructions, a tush tag maybe, but instructions is stretching it.  What I learned from the slideshow is that I am asexual in producing energy with a need to recharge.  Does that sound like a bad batter pun to anyone else?  What is comical is that in slide five, I feel as though, being an introvert, is like interaction with an extinct animal.  “How to interact with an introvert…Say hello,…it is important for introverts to feel welcome…go back to whatever you were doing…Now the introverts know that you are friendly and open to interaction”  (Shakes head)  Now I am an animal that may bite if threatened.  Just do not poke me with a stick!  Actually….I might bite for sheer pleasure of this.  I might actually invest in that caution sign to wear around my neck, “I bite when threatened.”

Maybe I am just nuts (and for those of you who actually know me, no comment from the peanut gallery), but why is being quiet and thought provoking considered awkward or abnormal?  I still like to talk and socialize, but I also like to write the thoughts that come into my head to see them form on paper or even just analyze things in general.  I have this thing called a mind and unfortunately is does not contain an ‘off’ button allowing me to continuously ask questions and ponder the dear sweet questions that prohibit society from acknowledging their denial of life. 

Should I have been more blunt with that?;)

Caution: This post contains high amounts of sarcasm that may blow your mind.  Enjoy!!

Here are a couple other articles I found interesting: 

http://womanitely.com/things-introvert-should-remember/

http://womanitely.com/things-remember-dating-introverted-man/

The Misunderstood Introvert

My last couple of weeks has been filled with readjustments, as my life seems to have taken a back seat into the fast lane, watching everything and every event pass before I can comprehend a thought.  This pace has left me with a feeling of withdrawal or a type of alienation that provides little fulfillment in my life in the current state; however, lack of fulfillment and the acknowledgement of other accomplishments seem to have twisted themselves around my mind a bit deeper than I expected to recognize.  Since my recent move and driven desire for self-improvement, I noticed today how a piece of my youth that I thought I had changed still dwelled within me.  In a brief random moment I had to admit that ‘Yes, I am weird.  Yes, I am awkward,’ but then ‘Yes…I am still and introvert.’

I am sure if you are reading this you are thinking about how strange it is for someone to sit and think about a particular personality trait only to realize that some things never change.  Fine, I accept that, but I thought this was something that I had grown out of and moved beyond, so imagine my disappointment when motivation for self-improvement came to a screeching halt.  I will admit that it was one of those comic type moments where the cartoon character stares at the television screen, blinking twice with big eyes because that is exactly what I saw in my computer screen at work when I had the realization.

My big hazel eyes moved readily from side to side as if talking to someone, but only in my head of course thinking back to things that had presented themselves to my attention.  I analyzed moments in my head of confusion suddenly realizing what had taken place and now understanding the misinterpretation that others had perceived of me.

Considering my preferred type of communication is writing I realize I am the typical ‘looks good on paper’ type of person.  All the ‘I’s dotted and all the ‘T’s crossed in the black and white text and maybe some accentuated sarcasm revealing the clever innuendos that many people seem to overlook considering my personal intonation is missing from the text itself. I was able to snap out of my daze, remembering a specific time when my mother had attempted to help me with my introversion.  The idea was that I had to say ‘Hi’ to anyone and everyone.  Yeah…I accomplished that, but that does not completely revamp the characteristics of an introvert. 

I did a little bit of a self-assessment when I got home, again, replaying events in the last couple of weeks to get a complete understanding of what I was doing from verbal communication to body language (imitates Ursula from The Little Mermaid when saying ‘body language’).  I do not have the body language figured out yet, then again, I am not the narcissistic type person to stare at myself in the mirror on a daily basis giving myself a pep talk on how I am sooo sexy to myself.  Really?  Can we say egotistical fool?! 

Let us start with conversation.  I am not one for small talk, as you can see by this beautifully elongated post.  I am sorry, unless you want to play a game of twenty questions; I really have nothing meaningless to say to you.  I also do not like useless words or words with no meaning.  Do not tell me you are ‘sorry,’ that you ‘love’ me, or any term of endearment, especially in small talk!  I am not some cheap idiot of the street who is going to like totally say ‘like’ like every couple like minutes.  (I think my brain just exploded in that sentence, so sorry-I did not get any brains on anyone did I?)

Ok, moving on…

I do not like to waste things; times, money, words, you name it.  My time is valuable and I believe that applies to your time as well, so if you are just going to disappear, do not engage in a conversation that you believe may contain something of importance when it is just ignorant verbal vomit.  You see this here, this is I talking to YOU, and I am investing in a connection with YOU.  Got it?!  If not, let me try this…You have got ten minutes to impress me or I am walking away.  Awkward, right?  Yes, but honest and the fact that I told you does not make me rude, it just ensures the mutual value of our individuality so that we not invest in something wasted.  In reflection, it is a lot like gambling. (Give me a seven baby! No snake eyes tonight!)

First impressions are important, I know that, but I cannot, for the life of me, hold eye contact without repeating to myself, “Look into my eyes, look deep into my eyes,’ to which I am just going to end up laughing and screw the whole first impression up completely.  If it is not that then I, apparently, seem dull maybe boring or completely uninterested.  I hate to tell you, but that is not the case.  The ‘resting bitch face’ is actually a look of contemplation as I analyze things that have been done, said or anything else exchanged between the two of us.  The expression is the face of investment, giving you actual consideration and taking what you said or did seriously.  UNFORTUNATELY, I just get ‘bitch face.’  I am so sorry to those of you who do not understand this concept, but hope you would be more open to the fact that someone is not laughing at you for contemplating your wardrobe for the day or how big your muscles are or will be because there is actual consideration of a complete coherent thought. (How many of you understood that one?)

Therefore, to those of you who cannot interpret an introvert fluently, please do not assume the rapid judgement towards you or that fact that I am not jumping for joy at every one-syllable word you say as something negative.  Consider the fact that it is a compliment that someone would take the time of day to spend it with you because you possessed that one quality that sparked some interest that could lead to huge forest fire of thought provoking conversation, to which this introvert would be classified an extrovert, otherwise…why do you think I am here?

P.S.  Yes, I was jumping around like a fool full of expression throughout this whole entry.

P.S.S…I now have my resting bitch face on…Any questions?

Hindsight's Gray Area

Our lives can be considered long drawn out movies that only end when we do, playing out events and situations that include a multitude of characters that stay for the ride or enter briefly and although we play out each scene, there is no opportunity to rewind/fast forward what has taken place.  We act in the moment on instinct the same way animals do, which can at times mess things up.  It is about this time where the phrase ‘hindsight is 20/20’ gets mentioned and we think back wondering what can be improved for next time because ultimately all we want to do is improve situations in our lives.

Then there are those of us who may have a bit of a fear because even hindsight seems complicated due to variations, for instance, reactions to the same information.  Each of us has a story to tell and sometimes that story receives different reactions, which makes a person caution when the inevitable question is presented, what happened when…? 

I came across this recently and I still, to this day, do not know how to address the question in relation to significant events that occurred in my life.  So in the regular hindsight perspective, I debate if I should have kept quiet…should I have spoken up…I do not know. Gray.  I mean, it is not that I do not want to share and I want to be honest, but how do I predict this outcome before it happens? Again, gray.

I can’t, simple as that, which is why I have this perception of ‘love me or hate’ that can come off as though I am arrogant when it is actually protective armor that only the worthy would be able to break through.  Maybe this is where things in life get gray and misunderstood.  Maybe the gray area is where you can give a little on something significant without overdoing it or maybe if a person is worth it, you see the figurative armor.  Gives a bit of perspective on how things that are worth it, do not come easy, which could also suggest the quality of a person.

I understand this concept, which may be why I put in a little extra effort.  I understand what it is like to keep things at arm’s length because you are hesitant to get entangled in something that may not be completely positive.  Maybe I just wish someone understood that about me before writing me off after that one inevitable question.

Humble Labels

Recently I spoke with a friend of mine and this person triggered some anger in me that made me ask myself why I was friends with someone so arrogant and yet so ignorant.

This friend told me a story how the individual’s looks changed and all of a sudden the friend was getting, well, more attention than usual.  The friend droned on a bit and with each word coming out of the mouth on the other side of the phone, I could feel my anger grow. 

You see this person had also recently talked to me about labels.  Labels, in this conversation, referred to sexual orientation or reference any other prejudices that exist and this friend expressed not wanting to be identified by a label: ‘I am more than just [a label].  I am a person.’  Well, that is all true, but when a person becomes so narcissistically arrogant about looks or about weight, is this not taking away a person’s humanity the same way as if a label were applied?  Now instead of being associated with any of the titles above, the friend made a personal label of being ‘just a shell’ and not a person.  To me, this is a contradiction of an arrogant fool. 

Twenty-four hours later and I am still bothered by this to the point that contact with someone like this is actually damaging to any relationship because judging on one aspect of a person is not actually knowing the person as a whole. I am a female who is attracted to males, I am considered in a race defined as ‘white’ even though ‘white’ is not ACTUALLY a race, but I am also a daughter, a sister, a writer, an English graduate student, etc.  Wow!  Look at how all those labels made me a complete person.

As I continued to steam about what I now considered to be a ‘stupid friend’ (haha….another label), I thought back to a childhood movie I loved and still love to watch every now and then.  The movie was 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up.  In the movie, the boys are trying to be heroes, but instead become cocky because of their talents as ninjas, which make the grandfather angry.  The boys protest, saying they were just helping others, while the grandfather states they only did it to help themselves.  The grandfather points at a flower saying, ‘Now this, is what I meant by a correct path for a ninja…See these beautiful flowers?  You must learn to be like them.’

What does this mean? It means, listen to the flowers and listen to what they say.  The boys answer this concept at the end of the movie by realizing that the flowers say ‘Nothing.  They don’t want to show off how pretty they are.  They just wanna be pretty.’ 

No one wants to be known by ‘just’ a label and no one wants to be known ‘just’ by looks, so my question to everyone is, why put yourself in that box? Why decline one label only to embrace another that makes you even less of a human/person and just the shell of one?  Maybe I am ignorant, but I have never understood why I have to have a certain look to be worth something, then again that applies to all labels as well.

So to this friend of mine:

Learn to love yourself as a person and not a label especially if you want someone else to love you and not your label.  A relationship does thrive on looks because looks fade.  A relationship does not thrive on your sexual orientation, your race, or any other potential prejudices because it can only thrive on the person, the personality and if you do not have that…well, let’s just say you won’t survive any relationship you desire and for that, I feel sorry for you.